Chapter 23: The Suffering of Alisa.

(*Alisa’s POV*)

As I plunge my head into this woman’s chest and wail like a child, my past forces its way to my thoughts. I wanted to tell her my name, but the tears just wouldn’t stop at all. And she just stayed there with me, with extreme patience.

She clearly realizes that I am not really a child, but she still gives me something that I have always desired. A mother… How long has it been since someone has comforted me like this? The fact that I don’t recall, either means that it has never happened before, or that it happened a very long time ago.

My mother died giving birth to me, but that is to be expected. It wasn’t my father’s seed that combined with my mother’s. Instead, it was the seed of a demon of Chaos. I didn’t learn this until much later, but it doesn’t matter much now.

No matter what I ate, I would still be hungry. The first few years of my life were absolute hell. It wasn’t until I was four, where I was able to cause chaos, or rather, terror, that I would actually eat. Throwing a teacup and scaring a maid was my first meal.

And for many years, these small acts were enough to fill my stomach. But eventually, it wasn’t enough. When I was ten, I was once again starving. My little actions of violence, which could be just seen as a spoiled brat acting out, didn’t fill me anymore.

Starving, I did something that I still regret to this very day. I pushed one of my maids down the stairs. This was in plain view, I didn’t try to hide it at all, as I needed the people to be in terror to eat. Unfortunately, the girl died from the fall.

My child brain couldn’t comprehend what had happened. I just wanted her to take a fall so that I could eat. My mind, which wasn’t as developed as it is now, was confused between the feeling of being completely full in years, and the guilt of killing someone.

By the time I was ten, the cat was well out of the bag. Despite the years going by, I still looked to be around five years old. I didn’t age, and my violent tendencies were rampant and unending. My father, despite me being a monster, still loved me.

Once he did some research, he realized that a chaos demon had replaced his seed with theirs, thus giving birth to me. A chaos demon and human hybrid. It wasn’t an unheard of thing, so it was easy to figure out why I acted this way.

My father could see the guilt in my eyes, so he arranged for me to terrorize and kill death-row inmates. Thankfully, no matter how many years go by, killing people in view of others always fills me up without fail.

I was once called the evil princess, and then the evil queen, and I very much was. Even after my father died, with me being the only heir, my acts of violence to fill my stomach only got worse and worse. Frankly, just remembering the crimes I’ve committed is enough to make me want to kill myself.

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As I am now immortal, that isn’t an option. But even back then, it wasn’t an option either. Nothing could really kill me at all. In fact, maybe the only way for me to have died back then, was by me starving myself to death. I often think back to if I should have done such a thing.

You can’t change the past, but my past is stained with the blood of millions of innocent people. This woman says that I can pay for my sins, and that I can have her love, but do I really deserve it? I honestly don’t think that I do.

But I am tired… So very tired… As this is Heaven, and as I am trapped here, even though I am a living being, eating was beyond difficult. No one here could die, and even if I did something horrible, the amount of terror isn’t what it would be in the world of the living.

Celia: “What is your name?” She asked once I finally stopped crying.

Alisa: “Alisa…” I reply while wiping my eyes.

Am… am I doing this to win her sympathy? Acting like a child… No. As much as I hate myself with a burning passion, these are my true thoughts. My elation and sadness from her accepting me are real. I am not faking it. It is only due to how I look that makes me feel bad. If I looked like a full grown woman, this would be more acceptable to me.

Celia: “Alisa, you hate yourself, right?” She asked with a warm smile.

Alisa: “I… Yes.” I stutter out my reply.

Celia: “One of my daughters is the Void. Do you know what that is?” She asked.

The Void? Even though I haven’t been to more than a few dimensions, I am aware of it. She was able to accept someone like that?…

Alisa: “I do.” I reply.

Celia: “Good. Then you should know that Nina has killed far more people than you, Alisa.” She said while rubbing my head.

Alisa: “But…”

Celia: “I know. Your sins are heavy, but won’t you let me help carry them for you? Ah, my name is Celia.” She proposed.

Alisa: “I’ll…I will try, Celia.” I reply with an unsure nod.

Celia: “Great! I can’t wait for you to meet my family. Though, I have some other things to deal with in Heaven before we can leave. Even then, we can’t see them yet, either.” She said as we started to fly away.

I nodded to reply. The only thought on my mind at the moment is that this woman will eventually break. If she keeps shouldering the suffering of others like this, Celia will end up dead inside. For accepting her kindness, I am implicated in her self-destruction.

I am sure that the other people in her life are somewhat similar to me. Even just knowing about the Void, I doubt that I will be the last broken person that she attempts to save. How she treats me right now, well, it is amazing.

Liking her treatment of me isn’t up to debate. I love it. And, her becoming broken is the cost. One day, it will all be too much for her to handle. Celia will lose herself, as it isn’t fair for us to put so much weight on her strong shoulders.

Yet another sin that I will end up committing. I don’t know if I will regret taking her hand, and letting her into my life, but at the very least, I will help her at that time. Celia is that type of person. We, or rather, our family, could ask anything of her, and she would probably do it.

Saying that I am part of her family might be presumptuous, but it already feels that way. I am already part of her heart. I only hope that if such a day ever comes, then we can help her get through it. As Celia carries me like a princess, I slowly drift into slumber. I can’t even recall the last time I was this happy and relaxed that I fell asleep…