"Of course he's not here," Mina spouted, getting close to spitting on the floor in wrath. "Because of course he isn't. Why does anything happen? Roll the bones!"

Everyone was immediately shocked at this display from the normally bubbly attorney. Cyrus Borg was the first to answer with a snide yet computerized reply.

"I do believe my database qualifies this as a bonafide meltdown from the defense. And we haven't even begun yet. Is she even fit to be her own lawyer in this highly personal case?"

Divine slammed her gavel down hard. "Mina. Er...I mean, Miss Hawkins. This gearhead raises a very valid point. Are you mentally well enough to serve as your defense attorney?"

Mina hesitated for a second. She took a deep breath and nodded. "I will try my best."

"Good," Cyrus Borg answered. "Then I will proceed with the legal breakdown until she is nothing but prosecuted pulp."

Mina's legs trembled as she gripped the podium. This would take every possible effort to not go insane. There was so much riding on this case and right now, she would much rather be sitting on the couch with a head shrinker discussing how she had lost everything from her boyfriend to her apartment to her friends.

She had rolled the dice of life and came up with clear snake eyes glaring back at her.

Cyrus Borg turned to Devillia and nodded. "I will present to you exhibit A where this nogoodnik lawyer and her friends were invaded the personal household of our esteemed mayor."

There was a crimson wheelbarrow beside him and inside of it was hundreds of cracked and shattered lawn gnomes and pink flamingoes

"Good lordy! Green beans, cauliflower and spam!" the judge exclaimed. "That's quite the tacky lawn ornament massacre! Are there any fingerprints that Mina...er...Miss Hawkins and friends are the perpetrators?"

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

"There are none, your honor," the Dark Persecutor said.

Mina was almost ready to breath a sigh of relief when suddenly, the prosecutor whipped out a surprisingly professional diagram of three butts. One was average sized, one very large and one almost non-existent.

"As you can see by these highly sophisticated butt measurements, they match this lousy attorney and her friends win for win. These rear ends landed on the lawn ornaments to break their falls. Everything from Hawkins' slightly better than average butt, to Cumberson's oversized rear to Winona Sumac's malnourished and very cadaver like tail bone. We can clearly see that these belong to the defense."

"Objection!" Mina exclaimed from across the room. "While I don't object to you saying my butt is slightly better than average, how about you explain this to me?! Where are Winona and Trudy? How come they haven't been rounded up and put on the bench like me!"

The Dark Persecutor shrugged his shoulders. "Well isn't it obvious? Unlike you, they high TAILED it and got their BUTTS out of town!"

There was a roar of cruel laughter from the audience, causing the cyborg behemoth to chuckle like the Mephistopheles himself. "And they say that cyborgs don't have a sense of humor!"

The judge banged the gavel so hard that she nearly split the podium in two. "Order! Anyone who makes rump jokes in this courtroom will be completely penalized for good taste! You'll be out on your ass faster than you can say glutinous maximus."

The judge thought for a second and then face palmed. She had just done it herself.

Changing the subject, she tried to turn a sympathetic voice to Mina. As futile as it seemed. "You do raise a good point though dear. I'm surprised that hard nosed police chief hasn't managed to track down the other vandals. The only person she has a harder vice grip on than the criminals is that little twinky deputy of hers!"

Mina nodded. "Yes, your honor. I agree. And not just about Chief O'Law's bedroom practices."

"Well," the old judge said. "I am willing to hear your side of the case, sweetheart if you are willing to tell me where your friends are. Perhaps if you come clean and plead guilty, they'll be sentenced to community service instead."

Mina gulped. Did she tell them the truth? Would anyone believe her if she said her friends were kidnapped and trapped in the mayor's house? She would have to prove it after all. And she didn't think she could.

She opened her mouth. "Let me get back to that your honor!"

Cyrus Borg chuckled in his cold vocoded voice. "Then let me get back to trouncing you. And here we have Exhibit B..."