The judge banged her gavel and called for order in her court. With an equally sharp and commanding tongue, she successfully silenced everyone in the room. "The case of Les Schargo's V. Gertrude Cumberson is now be in session!"

Legal Suit Larry cleared his throat and began reading off an uneven pile of legal documents. "Your honor. We have gathered here today on behalf of Monsieur Bunting Dupree, esteemed owner of the Les Schargo's 5 star restaurant chain."

Justice Divine Justice's sharp eyes scanned the courtroom. "Prosecutor? Where is Mr. Dupree?"

"He's running a bit late," the prosecutor said, "he says but he will be here in time to testify."

"Very well," the justice replied.

Larry's squinty eyes peered up from the papers straight at Trudy. "Your honor. Mr. Dupree has filed a lawsuit against Ms. Ruby Pickleson for…"

"If I may object," Mina cried. "My client's name is Trudy Cumberson."

"Er…right…" Larry responded. "But uh…yeah…"

He produced a hanky and began to dab at his sweaty balding head.

Mina let out a sigh of relief. If he couldn't even get Trudy's name right, who knew what else Larry would bungle.

"Anyway, the name doesn't matter much, but the crime does. Your honor, the defendant, in an act of brutal irony, has chopped the head right off Les Schargo's head chef and famous celebrity, Mr. Horton Hamsay."

Legal Suit Larry paused dramatically, waiting for the audience to react to the heinous misdeed.

Justice Divine Justice rolled her eyes. "Prosecutor. They all know what the crime was. That's why they're here."

Larry chuckled nervously. "Sorry, I was just working the audience. We need a bit of grandstanding here."

"Don't quit your day job," the justice advised.

"Ummm okay…" Legal Suit Larry nodded and pointed to the witness stand at the center of the court. "Anyway, I call the defendant, Rubin Cumberbatch to the stand. I'm sure we all have a bunch of questions for her."

Trudy looked helplessly at Mina. Her dear friend placed a consoling hand on her round shoulder. "Don't worry," Mina said. "We rehersed this. Even if this is my first case, I'll try to get them to see our way, no matter how much legal mumbo it takes!"

Trudy, Mina and Larry all approached their podiums. Mina looked across the room at Larry who was either squinting or attempting to glare at her. Whatever it was, it made him look very near sighted.

Larry gave a semi-confident giggle. "You're in the big leagues now, sweetie."

He reached in his pocket and thrusted an unwrapped lollypop at her. "Perhaps you'd like to suck a lollypop while a real prosecutor handles things here."

Mina shook her head. "Thanks but I can't take that."

"Why?"

"My parents told me never to accept candy from a strange man."

The audience laughed as the pasty man turned bright pink. Some even applauded. A bang from the gavel shut everyone up. "Order," Justice shouted. "Even if that was a good comeback, there shall be no petty insults in this court."

"I'm used to it," Larry muttered, still rather pink. "Ever since grade school, girls would pick on me."

"Pathetic life stories aren't allowed either," the justice barked.

"Sorry!"

He turned his small eyes to Trudy. "But yes, Ms. Cucumber, care to tell us what you were doing before you committed such a heinous crime?"

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

"If you say so," Trudy said timidly and looked to Mina.

Mina nodded to urge her on.

"So as you know," Trudy started. "I'm a certified reviewer on Yowl and I was saving up all my cash so I could go to Les Schargo's and give it an elaborate review!"

The judge cocked an evebrow. "A Yowl is what now?! It sounds like the noise I make if I whack my hand with the gaval!"

"Erm… Yowl," Mina began, "Is a website where people review resturants, your honor!"

Justice Divine Justice nodded. "Oh yes. We have one for judges called Judgejudges.net."

"If you let me continue, your honor!" Larry said. "You'll start to see where this wannabe food critic went wrong."

A smile curled on Larry's lips. "And when you went to Les Schargo's, Rudy? How did you act?"

Trudy nervously nibbled on her fingers like they were mozerella sticks. She turned to Mina who sighed and gave her a thumbs up.

Trudy held her hand to her heart. "Well…I took myself out on the fanciest date I could."

The ever judgemental judge raised her eyebrows. "Took yourself on a date? Is this a new thing?"

Trudy puffed out her cheeks and defiantly closed her eyes. "Hey, a girl can take herself on a date whenever she wants. It's called self love."

She earned more incredulous looks from the audience, the judge and the jury. Trudy's arms sank at the podium. "Or just…I don't have a boyfriend. Do you have any handsome grandsons, your honor?"

The justice shook her head. "I do, but no way am I setting them up with a murder suspect."

"Mina!" Trudy shouted, waving her arms from behind the stand. "You gotta get me off of scot free so I have a chance!"

"Anyway," Larry said, shuffling his papers together. "Miss Cumbersome did not answer my question. How did you act when you got there? How did you treat the esteemed staff at the restaurant? Especially Mr. Hamsey?"

Trudy's lips began to tremble.

"Just spit it out," Larry shouted, digging his fingers into his stand.

"Okay…okay!" Trudy cried with tears in her eyes. "Because I'm a Yowler. I demanded the royal treatment. I had them make me a delicious escargot bacon cake and…"

Like a shark sensing blood, Legal Suit Larry licked his lips ready to feast on her testimony. "Go on!"

Trudy gazed at the floor, trembling. "And I sent the cake back because it didn't have an even number of snails on the top!"

"And how did Hamsey react?"

"He told me," Trudy gave a congested sob before she wailed. "It was good I was sending the cake back because…I NEEDED TO GO ON A BLOODY DIET ANYWAY!"

The room was stunned into silence aside from Trudy's loud panting. Some people glared at her, judging her harshly, while others offered her looks of condolence.

Even if Trudy was acting bratty, Mina thought to herself, there was no reason for Chef Hamsey to insult her weight.

Trudy frantically gasped for air like a stranded flounder fish. She pointed at Legal Suit Larry's pocket.

"Can…I have…that…lollypop…" she asked between breaths. "My blood sugar's a bit low …"

Legal Suit Larry pointed his index finger right at the sniveling woman. "As was your morality when you killed that man over his…heavy remark, Trudy Cumberson."

Legal Suit Larry giggled at his own terrible pun.

Much to everyone's surprise, Justice Divine Justice slowly applauded.

Larry turned hopefully towards the justice. "Is this case closed, your honor? Is that your reason for your applause?"

Justice Divine Justice shook her head and rested her gavel. "That's my applause for you getting the girl's name right for the first time, you bumbling boob. Does the defense attorney have any questions about Miss Cumberson's behavior?"

Mina offered a meek grin. Her heart thumped nervously as she clutched her ace inside a plastic baggy. "Thank you, your honor," Mina said, "The only thing the prosection has managed to prove is that the victim was super rude to a paying, and very beautiful customer."

"Thanks Mina," Trudy said with a sigh.

"Now then," Mina said, standing tall at the podium. "How about we get down to the itty bitty, nitty gritty. Trudy, what did you do after you were accosted by that blond brute!"

"Well," Trudy said, sniffing. "I was so distraught, I paid my tab, left and wrote a scathing 2000 character review on Yowl."

"Oh…" Mina said with a clever glance. "Did you forget something when you left? Like this?"

Trudy's face spread into a broad smile.

Mina raised the plastic baggy up so the room could see. Inside was a ring of keys and a butterfly pendant dangling from the keyring. "Like the keys to your house, mayhaps?"

Trudy clamped her hands and rocked back and forth excitedly. "Oh yes! That's why I came back to the restaurant later! I had totally forgotten my keys."

"And…" Mina said. "How did you know where they were?"

"Somebody called me!" Trudy said, bouncing up and down on her stand. "And I headed straight down to the restaurant."

"Who?" Mina asked, a sly smile on her face.

"The restaurant owner…I think…" Trudy nodded. "He had a thick, French accent. Thicker than French dipping sauce."

"Your honor …" Mina said, turning to the justice. "Is it possible that Trudy wasn't alone at the restaurant last night? I think the owner was there too. Shouldn't he be a suspect?"

The judge widened her wrinkled eyes. "You have a point there. Larry, was your client at the restaurant last night?"

Larry, for the first time, had no comeback. He shuffled through his papers nervously. "My client, Bunt…

A high pitched voice gave a loud 'oo ho ho' from the back of the court room. It wasn't jolly or kind like Santa Claus, but sharp and caustic. Leaning on one of the stone columns was a tall, thin blond man. He was dressed in a white tuxedo with a radish colored ascot. His hair was slicked back with some of the greasiest hair oil possible ("olive oil?" Mina thought) and he had a sinister sneer in his emerald green eyes. He held his hand to his mouth and spoke in the most exaggerated French accent possible.

"Bonjour!" he said with a vampiric smirk. "The name is Monsieur Bunting Dupree, mon cherie. Proprietor and big cheese of zee Les Schargo's restaurant chain. And aside from tres lawsuit, I 'ad nothing to do with zis case!"