Dear Diary,

I really don't want to do this. Going to Lenny Lancaster for advice is bad enough, but now I've gotten the idea in my head to ask him for a favor. Right here and now I get why people, and by people I mean Gods, Lords, and people with more money than sense bully other people.

Okay, that's not quite true. I know why they bully people. One of my old teachers at Eastside talked about it once, when the administration decided we needed a zero tolerance bullying policy, even though ninety percent of the bullying that happens winds up completely non-actionable. Seriously, if you don't record them doing it, they get away with it, and if you do record them doing it, you get in trouble for privacy violations. As I was saying, though, Bullies bully because they get endorphin rushes from the power. It's addictive. And like any other addict, they don't give a shit who they hurt to get their fix.

So yeah, I think I may have scared people into doing shit before. I know I made Larry piss himself at least once. I'm pretty sure Saffron uses me as a threat when someone's tryna stop what she's doing with the Alliance. I can't really change any of that, although I definitely need to maybe say something to Saffron. Using me as a potential consequence for bad behavior is one thing, using me as a club to force people to hurt themselves is something else entirely.

I remember a therapist telling me that I need to focus on what I can control, not what I can't. I can't change the past. I can't change what other people do, although I can talk to them about what I'd prefer and what pisses me off. I can, however, avoid bullying people for fun and profit. I think. I'm gonna try anyway.

So yesterday after spending a day with Saffron, first with her taunting me while she did her Imperator job, then with her doing so even more when we did our one on one to bring me up to speed with the State of the Alliance, I wound up a little... anxious. At the end of our day, she stepped me back to the Bedroom, everything but her stockings, garters, and boots evaporating. "So, love. Did you have anything particular you wanted, or may I seek out my own round of applause?"

"Still kinda want one of those."

"We're well aware. That's for tomorrow."

I blinked. "Wow. Planning out all the shenanigans and hijinks. I'm... I don't know how to feel about that."

She smiled at me. "I cannot dictate your emotions, but if I may suggest?" I nodded. "Feel adored. Appreciated. Desired. Most of all," she paused, meeting my gaze. "Feel the pleasure we want to give you."

"We?"

Siobhan cleared her throat, and I glanced over to see her sitting on Marie's lap, both of them lounging on the divan. "Do you mind?"

I snickered a little. "Pretty sure I need to get used to it." She cocked her head, and I explained, "Pretty sure I'm supposed to show up to do, y'know, sex stuff at the Temple now and then."

Saffron flopped her butt back on the bed, then pulled me to her, squishing those magnificent breasts against me. "If that bothers you, tell us. We'll find another way."

I thought about it for a second, but not much longer, because my ability to think was definitely being drained away. "I'm not feeling icked by it. I mean, you and I broke the damn Temple, and that was fun as shit. No, mostly I'm just kinda... afraid?"

"Afraid, my love?"

"Yeah. I mean, I get that some of you see me a lot less... damaged than I see myself, but I'm still kinda worried that I'm pretty far away from anybody's perfect woman."

Saffron frowned at me. Then her frown melted into a wicked grin. "The only way you could be more perfect, to me, is if there was more than one of you."

I laughed, Co-Located to kneel behind her, putting my arms around her from both sides. "Yeah, we both know you prefer blondes."

"My tastes are varied and eclectic. But while my sex becomes uncontrollable with certain images, certain people, you, my love, are the one I want most of all." She pushed back a little against the one of me behind her. "Back up?" I scooted backward on my knees. "Further?" The moment she almost had room, she flopped backward onto the bed. Both of me went into shutdown as that had the expected effect on her jiggle physics. A moment later, she thwapped against the belly of the me standing next to the Bed

"Uh, I'm not sure that's gonna fit."

She giggled. "Turn me around, please?" Both of me picked her up, one by the hips, the other by the shoulders, and rotated her until she lay across the bed. She turned to Marie and Siobhan and asked, "this gives you a better view, yes?"

"Yes." Marie answered, while Siobhan just bobbed her head.

"Now," Saffron said as she reached down and moved me so I straddled her hips. "You know absolutely well that it will fit." She pulled me down, and I gasped. "Shapeshifter, silly. I will be exactly the size you need."

"Hokay," I breathed out. The view from behind her head was pretty fuckin' hot. Then she pulled that me down, and I lost any ability to do anything but enjoy the ride.

As she raced both of me toward completion, my eyes fluttered closed. Open your eyes, love. I forced them open, my gazes drawn like a lodestone to her breasts. Not me. Look at yourself, love.

Both of me looked up. I watched my own mouths drop open just the slightest bit; the only thing I could control was keeping my eyes open and locked on my own face. She slowed down, dragging me closer inch by inch. My pupils dilated, and I stared into the infinite black space behind my eyes. I whimpered as she held me there, unable to move, unable to do anything but stare and maybe drool just a little.

You need to be kissed.

"Okay." I chorused.

So. Do it, love. My mouth is a little busy at the moment.

"Yeah." I leaned forward, unable to look away from the empty universe behind my eyes. The moment my lips touched, my tongues flicking forward, she finished me. Lights sparkled across the blackness behind my eyes. Then Saffron bucked and moaned, never stopping as she kept me coming. Her mouth vibrated against me, and heat rushed through me as she came. She dragged it out until she slowed and stilled. I collapsed back into the me straddling her hips, filled with her, and then fell forward to kiss her just as passionately as I'd done myself.

As we lay there in the afterglow, Siobhan and Marie both applauded quietly. "That was brilliant, Saffron."

Saffron tangled her fingers in my hair and pulled me back just far enough to say, "thank you, Siobhan. Tabitha?"

"Yes, Kitten?"

She twitched when I said that, and both of us shuddered for a bit. "Did you like what you saw?"

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"Uh... whoa. Wow. Um."

"Did you dislike it then?"

"Oh, fuck no. It's just... a little overwhelming."

She chuckled into my neck. "Only a little?"

"Okay. A lot overwhelming."

She nuzzled my neck more and whispered. "Now perhaps you begin to see what I see, then."

"Every time?"

She giggled. "Not every time, no. But often enough. Am I right, ladies?"

"Yes."

"I, uh, tend to close my eyes."

Saffron looked over at the two on the divan and said, "Oh, you simply must keep them open next time. Trust us on this."

"Okay."

Then Saffron looked at me and said, "so, are you hungry, love?"

"I could eat." I grinned down at her.

"Well then, let's..." I proceeded to shut her up by totally deliberately misinterpreting her question. She didn't seem to mind. Still felt some kinda way when I didn't get any applause. But after that... I don't even know what to call it. Is seeing all of time and space in my own eyes one of those things you'd call a 'religious experience'? Totally unsure.

Also don't care that much. Enjoyed Saffron enjoying my mouth too much.

We got to dinner late, but Marie had everybody eating. Some kind of bear meat pastry. At least I'm pretty sure it was bear.

Up in the Bath, Menace towed Siobhan off to play in the deeper parts of the tub while Saffron and I just soaked. "Hey, Kitten?"

"Yes, love?"

"Are we keeping an eye on the shores of Erie?"

She frowned. "That inland sea the Dire Bears came out of?" At my nod, she said, "yes. Marie's keeping watch along the shore."

"All by herself?"

I realized how stupid that statement was before Saffron replied, but still felt better when she said, "she has Vulcan with her."

I chuckled a little. "She's not, like, dry firing him all day long, is she?"

Saffron just smiled and kissed me as we sank to the the bottom of the Bath.

Dreams wound up very quiet. Felt like in one of those videos where an orchestra is gonna play a big number, but before that they all sit there tuning their shit and getting in the right headspace. Weird. But then, dreams.

In the morning, Saffron woke me up leaning on me. "Well rested, love?"

I sighed. "Yeah. Don't want to talk to Lenny today, but..."

"But?"

"That's what adulting is. Doing what you have to, not what you want to."

She grinned at me. "Oh, don't tell me you didn't want last night."

"Okay, there are some good sides to the whole adult thing. "

"Excellent. Marie has just delivered Lord Lancaster to the Grand Council chamber. Are you ready to speak with him?"

I took a moment to do my best impression of putting my ducks in a row, then popped my uniform on and stepped to the Grand Council chambers. I arrived sitting on Treachery Rock, my legs dangling over the side. "Hey, Lenny?" He looked up, kumquat look in full effect. "You mind if I call you Lenny? Fuck it, I'mma call you Lenny. You got some time this morning to let me pick your brain?"

He bristled a little at that, his gaze tracking over to Saffron. When he got a look at her staring at him, he sighed, then something maybe approaching a smile colored the kumquat look. "I suppose needs must. Tabby."

I stepped down next to him, held out my hand, and when he took it I stepped us both to the café down by the river. Realized what I'd done a moment later, then shrugged and sat down. I motioned for him to sit opposite me, and after a sigh and a headshake he did so.

"What did you want to ask me about... Tabby?"

I bit back any kind of snarky response. I had started it, after all. "Couple things. First, I need some advice about training."

"Your own?"

I shook my head. "I mean, if you've got something to say about that, something you think I ought to know that I don't, feel free. I know I'm a dumbass whose gotten where I am mostly by luck and bloody minded refusal to quit, so I'm not gonna get my panties in a bunch over it if you do." I paused, and he nodded for me to continue. "Okay, so I've got three really talented Cadets in my Physical and Combat Training courses. Cadets Citron, Hildegarde, and Vickerson." His face gave away a little recognition at Citron's name, but other than that he just nodded.

So I spent the next hour or so explaining everything that had happened so far with the three of them, focused mostly on Citron and Hildegarde. He mostly sat there, quietly listening, but now and then he'd ask a question about some detail. When I couldn't think of anything else to say, I finished with, "so, what do you thiink?"

He took a moment, sipping at his tea while he did. "I'm a little surprised by your taste in meeting places. Far more subdued than I expected. Not very intimidating at all."

I shrugged. "Yeah. Sorry."

He chuckled. "Don't be. It shows me that even you can grow and change." He paused for another sip of tea. "You realize it seems you've mostly solved the initial problem?"

I nodded. "Yeah, kinda, but I'm not sure if the problem is solved or I've just papered over the symptoms, y'know? Also, I don't know if what I've done has set up some kind of bigger problem later, or if I need to keep doing something to keep them from backsliding."

Weirdest thing, the more I talked the more satisfied Lenny looked. When I paused, he waited a moment, then said, "Well, I can offer some advice, things I was taught a decade or more ago when I worked at the Academy alongside William more often."

"Okay. I'll all ears. Hit me."

He proceeded to give me a bunch of what seemed like really little, finicky tips. Like, ways to phrase shit, specific timing on things, like really persnickety bullshit. But I'd asked, and he seemed like he wanted to legit help. Then again, these were Alliance Cadets. Something told me right there that whether he'd walk across the street to piss on me if I were on fire, he'd actually bought in to the whole Alliance concept. I did my best to take mental notes, and when I started getting overwhelmed, thought, Kitten?

I've been listening, love.

Thanks. Love you.

Love you too. Back to listening.

Maybe half an hour after that, he wrapped up, taking another sip of tea before saying, "anything more would require me to know the results of implementing those stragegems."

I nodded my reply. "Fair enough. Thanks for the advice."

"You mentioned needing something else?"

I smirked just a little, but mostly at myself. "Yeah, I had one thing in mind, but now that I've got you here, I'm wondering... Would you mind tutoring Vickerson at some point?"

He raised an eyebrow. "You'd have the Alliance's premier strategist tutor a simple common Soldier?" I definitely felt a bug crawl up my butt at that, but I held my tongue as he stared at me, then sighed. "Since my own Skills have been surpassed by my former protégé, who was a common Bag prior to becoming Imperator, I suppose I ought correct my assumptions about where talent can be found." As I sat there trying not to gawp at him, he took another sip of tea. "I will meet with her. Should my own assessment agree with your own, even in part, I will arrange to teach her as much as she can learn about strategy. If the Alliance continues to grow, we may well find ourselves needing more than two Generals capablee of leading an army."

I kinda deflated at that point. Weird. I'd won, but not by being all blustery and scary, but by holding my fuckin' tongue. By shutting the fuck up and letting him convince himself. Shit, this must be what growing up feels like.

"Anything else?"

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, but this one is totally a personal favor. If you can't, or even just don't want to, I understand, and I'm not gonna push you." He nodded, took another sip of tea, and waved for me to continue. "I saw you fighting back during the war."

His head tilted. "When?"

"The night raid. You held off three New Amsterdam Heroes and and their Levies until Saffron managed to distract one. Then you took out the other two."

He paused in thought for a moment. "That matches my own recollection, yes."

"You're an absolute badass with a spear." He shifted one shoulder in a shrug. "You're also a good teacher." He just sat there, quietly, until I forced myself to say it. "Would you please teach my daughter Ria as much as she can learn about how to use a spear?"

He froze, then a smile crept across his face, chasing the kumquat look away. "You'd trust me?"

I shrugged. "I think you're kind of an asshole, but you're... a trustworthy asshole? You're not gonna hurt my kid, both because I don't think I've ever seen you hurt somebody for funsies, and you also know that if you hurt her I'll hand you over to Conrad..." His eyebrow drew up, questioning. "The Weyland Smith's given name." Got to hand it to him, other than a slight twitch of his eyebrow, he took the news better than anyone I'd ever told about Conrad. "So, yeah, I trust you, both to do the right thing and to avoid getting turned into a table lamp."

He chuckled. "Only you. Tabby." When I tilted my head, looking a question at him, he said, "You ask a personal favor of me, acting as if there's no benefit to me in performing said favor. Meanwhile the favor is to spend a great deal of time with the daughter of the Imperator of the Alliance, the Champion and Patron Demigoddess of the Alliance, and also the daughter of the Overlord of Rich Man's Port. Thus leaving all three of you indebted to me."

"Yeah, I guess so. Don't think it'll let you walk away if you pull some deeply shady shit."

"Do you think me that stupid, Tabby?"

"Stupid? Hell no. Just kinda entitled and arrogant."

"Well then. Why would I do something so stupid as to anger three of the most powerful women in the Alliance, when I have the opportunity to ingratiate them to me?"

I sat there, staring. Holy shit, there might be something to this 'keep my mouth shut and let people convince themselves' thing. "Thanks, Lenny."

He nodded, then finished his tea. "Of course, Tabby."

Yeah, that's definitely gonna take some getting used to.