Dear Diary,

"If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person."

- Fred Rogers

I read this one again today, and after the past couple days, it hit different. Look, at heart I'm just an orphaned kid from the worst kind of town; an old industrial powerhouse that got abandoned by the corporate overlords, left to rot as a symbol of 'what those people are like'. Deep down, some part of me can't really believe that I make a difference in any real way. Okay, maybe to Saffron, or Marie, or the kids. Yeah, I can kinda see that, even if I'm surprised that I'm having a positive impact there. One me helping one person? Sure. I can understand that, accept it. Maybe helping one person at a time, or even, maybe, if both of us get just the right kind of lucky, helping one person in a way that completely alters the course of their life for the better.

Fuck, that's really what started most of this shit, really. I didn't start this shit to make the world a better place. I started it to save one little girl. One baby, who I'd decided was mine. Hell, Saffron decided she was mine when she made me Isnomi's Godmother. Maybe it's some kinda flaw in my psychological makeup, but I can't not take something like that seriously. Like, I know my mom wanted to do her best, and did the best she fuckin' could for me. She literally worked herself to death for me, and yet still I've got some mommy issues. So I know how hard that shit can hit, and I also know how easy it is to fuck up, even giving a hundred and ten percent. So maybe yeah, I was absolutely ready to throw down with an incarnate Goddess to save that adorable rugrat.

Every step of the way it's been 'helping the people in front of me'. But now and then that's meant 'putting the people endangering them through a mythical Cuisinart'. And I guess maybe telling the people who replaced them, the ones inheriting their temporal power, that the Cuisinart still had blades and power if they decided to continue the cycle of enshittification. God fuckin' knows I'm not the right bitch to build shit up, what with my inherently shit wrecking ways.

I know nothing of the sort, Daughter. But as you once realized while dealing with Laurence Lancaster, as a mentor sometimes you need to step in to assist, and other times you must let your protégé work things out on their own.

So I'm on my own?

Never, child. I am always but a thought away, should you need me. I simply have the utmost confidence in your abilities, whether those be of destruction or creation.

Thanks Boss. You're the best.

I know.

So yesterday afternoon Saffron and I explored the potentials of darkness. Dunno if it's weird that I closed my eyes for a lot of it, but then it's different without light. Focused on touch, on smell, on taste and sound. The strangest thing might have been awareness of my own body. I mean, shit, normally I'd say I'm pretty fuckin' grounded in myself, oddly enough. Yeah, sometimes there's more than one of me kicking around, and very recently I might be watching from the perspective of my short stack Saffron or my Maenad Maid Marie, but in every case I'm not thinking about my body, I'm just being my body. But there, in the dark, eyes closed, I guess I had some extra clock cycles or something kicking around, because I realized that while the feel and sound of her responding to my questing tongue and fingers definitely lit up some neurons in the noggin, it was the smell of her that made my guts clench, that left me hungering for her touch.

Imagine my surprise when, as we lay there gasping in momentary recovery late in the day, Saffron plopped us both back into the Lancaster House bedroom. Okay, she collapsed me to the me there, landing a her dressed in civvies next to me, squishing her best squishy bits against my arm and side. I blinked, looked over at her and, quietly so as not to interrupt Maze's reading, said, "home early, love?"

She stretched up to give me a kiss, then leaned against my shoulder to listen with the rest of the family and refugees. If any of them felt some kinda way about the Imperator showing up late and taking the best seat, nobody mentioned it. Focus, love.

I mean, I was. Really.

I'm well aware, Goof. But... this. More importantly, what comes after, is far more important for you than any amount of bed play. She squeezed my arm too gently for anyone but me to notice. No matter how enjoyable.

I wriggled my arm around her, and she snuggled into me without disturbing our little Horse Girl as she finished up Wee Free Men. When she finished, just a little time before dinner, she turned to me and asked, "could you put this away please?"

"Sure thing." I popped another of me up to take the book, stepped up to Phileo to put it in our bookcase, then collapsed back into myself as everyone started migrating toward the dining room. Well, out into our suite living room, since as far as I could tell every one of the refugees we'd brought back from Turkey or Persia or Asia Minor or wherever had been staying in our room except at mealtimes. Then again, I had no idea how long some of them had been in those little bolt holes. Basically living in shacks and caves and tents, living off the land, not daring to make anything more permanent because the Spartans might see it. As far as I cared, they could stay as long as they wanted. I mean, I kinda wanted them to maybe recover enough they could find their own places, but I sure as fuck wasn't gonna complain about how long it took. Not like I was the poster child for rapid recovery from psychological trauma and shit.

When we got down to dinner, Larry waved me over once folks started eating. For whatever reason, the staff had started seating me just to his right, with Saffron beside me, so I leaned over and quietly asked, "what's up, Larry?"

"I hesitate to say anything, Commander, as I would not be thought a poor host, or unsympathetic to the plight of those travelling to collect the children you rescued, but..."

When he paused, I sighed, lay a hand on his shoulder and gave him a little squeeze and shake. "C'mon, Larry. We both know you're going overboard trying to do the right thing. What did you need me to help with?"

"Many of those who've collected their kin have remained at Lancaster House, hoping to see you before leaving. Normally at this time of year I wouldn't object; crops won't be due for harvest for weeks, and very little else is time sensitive in the same way on the farmsteads, but with the Calverton refugees staying in the bunkhouses already, we're pressed for space. The rain the other day had many of the Maenads, especially the newer ones, sheltering in the stables." Before I could express my opinion on that, he said, "I doubt they would have even come that far into the buildings had they not had the little ones with them."

I chewed that over while I chewed a bite of roast chicken. "Yeah. I guess I ought to see them before they go. Wish I could get the Maenads to come inside. At least to come in out of the literal cold." I took another bite, thought it over some more. "I'm gonna talk with Marie about the Maenads, can you arrange for the folks staying to come see me in the courtyard tomorrow first thing? I'll stick around as long as need be, but I figure if folks get to see me early, they're more likely to hit the road headed home to get their kids bundled in, y'know?"

"Can do, Commander. Bonnie and I will arrange for packs with supplies, to make sure those with trips lasting more than a day don't starve themselves or put their hosts out unduly."

From his other side, Bonnie murmured, "you mean you'll have me arrange for it and you'll take the credit."

I realized right then that whatever else might have changed, Larry definitely doted on Bonnie as much as he had the day of their wedding. He spun to face her, horrified. "Love, I have never intended any such thing. Please, forgive me, I'll handle everything."

She poked dispiritedly at her chicken with a matte black finger. "You'll just screw it up. Again."

I didn't want to interfere, but at the same time this sounded really fucked up, not like the Bonnie I knew at all. "Bonnie? Larry? Everything okay?"

Larry looked at the table in front of him. "I'd rather not air private matters in front of everyone."

I nodded. "Sure." Then I lay a hand on each of their forearms and Translocated all three of us up to the Heir's Suite, where I plonked them both onto a sofa. "Okay. Not in public."

"This is still... It's a private matter between spouses, Commander."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I kinda get that. I also seem to recall something about you two both picking me as Patron. Right?" When they both nodded, Larry looking sheepish and Bonnie looking sour, I said, "okay then. If I were, like, a real Goddess or something, you two could pray to me and I could wiggle my nose and sort your shit out, but instead, you get me noticing when you're bickering, so I stick my nose in and see if I can't maybe let you blame everything on me or something."

Larry barked out a laugh. "That's the first time I've heard a Patron take responsibility for their followers."

"Unlike a certain someone."

I turned to Bonnie as Larry winced. "Okay, Bonnie, mind if I ask you something?" She shrugged, looking away. "What did Larry do to piss you off?"

She waved her hands as she replied, "He's just so... I do all the organizing and making sure everybody eats and has clean clothes and that we can pay for it all and..." at that point she just sat there flapping her hands, and I don't know if he saw the tears lurking, but I sure as hell did.

"Does Larry try to help?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes, when he gets a break from the important work. You know, shipping everything off to Calverton." The way she dragged the words 'important' and 'Calverton' told me as much as anything else.

"Are you guys sending more than you can afford to send?"

"Lancaster House has ever supplied Phileo in times of war."

I closed my eyes and sighed. "Larry. Buddy. Love you like a brother, but you gotta maybe take that rod out of your ass for a second and use it to clear your ears out." As he spluttered and Bonnie giggled, I said, "you're feeding what's left of Calverton, and doing it right after a fuckin' famine. Did it through the middle of the thing. I get that you're big and bad and bold, but..." I sighed. "Look, I get you don't need much help, ever. You're a certified badass. But just because you are the baddest of asses does not mean you can do everything all the time by yourself."

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He worked his mouth, like he had half a dozen different smart assed answers that he decided not to swallow, before finally saying, "of course, Commander."

"Nah, don't just agree because you're kowtowing or some shit. Do you get that maybe sometimes even the strongest person around needs somebody to help carry the load? Or keep it balanced? Or open doors and shit? Or maybe hand them a sword that won't shatter?"

At that last he jerked like he'd been slapped, and I knew it had hit home. When he let out a long breath and smiled ruefully, I knew it had hit home the right way. "Commander, could you remind me of something next time we see my father?"

"Sure. What?"

"That you have once again proven your worth as Patron."

"Yeah, well. Not done yet. Bonnie?"

She looked up, mulish. "Yes?"

"What does he fuck up when he tries to help you?"

She waved her hands around. "Everything! It's like he's never had to run a household, or a business, or an accounts book!"

I nodded. "Larry? Have you?"

He sighed again, shaking his head. "No. I suppose normally I'd have had to oversee Oscar's work in those matters had I been Heir, but I'd only just begun to when we wed." He stopped, thinking. "After that, it just seemed a natural division of labor? I've had tutors regarding logistics, and she seemed to have a knack for domestic matters."

"A knack."

Larry had some top tier combat instincts, but holy shit he did not seem to get that Bonnie looked about ready to rip his wedding tackle off and have them stuffed for mounting. He nodded. "Yes! You seemed to know just how everything should go! I don't know how else to describe it, like you were born for the task."

"Uh, Larry?"

"Yes, Commander?"

"I think you'd best shut the fuck up right the fuck now, because I don't think she'll stop stabbing if she starts." He blanched, then looked to Bonnie, then crumpled when he saw the look on her face. "Bonnie?"

"Yes, Commander?" She never stopped glaring at the top of Larry's head.

"Do you trust me?"

She heaved a sigh, then said, "not with my lunch or makeup, but yeah."

I smiled at that memory. "Okay then. You knew even back before you two got together that Larry's utterly clueless about some shit, and his default mode is accidental douchebag, right?"

His head snapped up at that, but I silenced him with a hand even as Bonnie giggled and said, "I'm dumb, but I'm not dumb enough to miss that."

"You are not dumb!" barked Larry.

I waved him down. "Yeah, yeah, all three of us know you'll defend Bonnie from everyone, including herself. Now shut up and let the women decide your fate."

That left him gawping again, and Bonnie giggling again. "Okay, okay, what are you trying to tell me, Commander?"

"First of all, let him know why you're so pissed about him talking about your 'talent' with bookkeeping and house management, because he doesn't know."

"How could he not..." I lifted an eyebrow, and she slid to a verbal stop before turning to Larry and pulling him around by his chin to face her. "I learned all of that stuff by doing it. Everyone in my family worked. I was the boss' daughter, so I got to work in the office, but I was the boss' daughter, so I wound up having to do the household books as well as the tannery books."

"How... but..." He stopped, took her hand in both of his. "May I know how long?"

She sighed. "You can know anything. I want you to know things about me, Larry. But sometimes you just... Lancaster yourself into thinking you know when you don't."

I watched as he seesawed between offense and humor, and let out a silent sigh when he chuckled. "Hearing my family name used as the verb form of 'arrogant' should offend, and probably would if you weren't absolutely right, Bonbon. Please. Forgive me?"

She scooted toward him until her lips could reach his if she leaned over. "Always, Larry. Always and all ways. I love you, even when you're pissing me off so much. Hell, I'd probably get less pissed if I didn't love you so much." She leaned over and kissed him. After about sixty seconds I realized they'd forgotten I was there.

"Uh, guys?" They both jerked around to stare at me like deer caught in the headlights, or kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar. Given that his hand was definitely showing he preferred bonbons to cookies, and hers really was more in the sausage drawer than the cookie jar, it was all I could do not to laugh. "Yeah, kinda figured. Look, I'm not a professional marriage counselor or anything, and I'm definitely not a doctor, but I think Bonnie needs some help, and not just because Lancaster House is a hell of a project for just one person to manage."

"I can handle it."

I nodded. "Yeah. Normally, absolutely. You've been doing it pretty much since we got here last winter. But things change." At her frown, I said, "Larry? Drop your hand four inches." He slid his hand down from her breast to her baby bulge, and she winced in sudden understanding. "Yeah. I dunno how the women in your family handle pregnancy, but a lot of women wind up getting tired faster, not to mention not having as much patience for petty bullshit. Totally justified!" I said to her sudden glare. "Totally! You're growing a whole assed 'nother person in there, and that shit is not easy." Somehow something about his shift in posture, his indrawn breath, I dunno, his increase in overall Lancasterness made me cut Larry off with, "seriously, Larry. Think about trying to keep a Created ball of Water mid-Create, then using Heal and Mineral Bond inside until you had a whole assed person."

He looked a little like I'd once imagined he would if I shoved a Squadball up his ass, but a moment later he stroked his hand across her belly, wonder in his voice as he said, "you... you are, aren't you?"

Bonnie and I shared a bit of a look, then she put her arm around him and pulled him down until his head rested on her belly. "Yes, Larry my love, that's exactly what I'm doing." Then she looked back up at me. "So, what do your recommend, Commander?"

I shrugged. "Didn't Raven help you out at first?"

"Well, yeah, but she's so busy with her art now."

I chuckled a little. "Yeah, I get that, and I think it's awesome that you two have decided to back her up with that. Kids and art. Pretty much everything important in life, everything that lives past us and makes the world better comes down to one of those two, doesn't it?"

"Saffron might add learning in there," murmured Bonnie.

I laughed. "Yeah, my Kitten is a nerd. The nerdiest of nerds, and we are absolutely raising a bunch of little nerdlings, but," I paused and sighed. "You guys have enough on your plate between feeding the army, caring for the refugees, and sponsoring the Artist Laureate for the entire fuckin' Alliance. I'm absolutely certain Saffron can cover setting up our school system." Before they could latch onto that, I followed up with, "I'm sure once you're recovered from popping out your rugrat, you'll be ready to wrangle Lancaster House solo again. She can help out until then, and get back to full time arting afterward."

She gave me an amused look, "so nursing and being mother to a newborn won't be a drain on my time and energy?"

"Get you a nursemaid. Shit, there are about a hundred Maenads outside, and even if not all of them are quite as wifey as Marie, I'm sure you could find one who's down to watch your little Lancaster. Shit, on top of nursemaid and nanny, you'll pretty much have bodyguard covered as well." Bonnie looked a little shocked at that, but Larry nodded.

"That was a concern... Ow! Ow?" Larry's head kinda bounced away from Bonnie's belly, and he clutched at his ear with a look on his face of somebody who'd just realized they were startled, not hurt.

Bonnie looked down, the weirdest look on her face as she laughed and rubbed at the little oblong protrusion sticking out of her belly. "That is your father's head, little one. I'll thank you not to rattle his brains too much." She raised her eyes to look at Larry, and when his gaze met hers she grabbed him by the collar and said, "that's my job," before yanking him in for a kiss.

Well, it started as a kiss, and before it got too far, I cleared my throat, lay a hand on both their shoulders, and stepped us both back down to the dining room. They looked almost as rattled as they had at my earlier interruption, especially since I'd plunked each of their asses down in their own chair as I called out, "hey, Raven? Bonnie needs you for a second?"

As I slid back into my seat, realizing as I did that the Menace sitting on Saffron's lap had the remains of my chicken mostly eaten on her mom's plate. Before I could open my mouth to gripe about it, she looked up at me and growled, "meat!"

"Yeah, yeah," I laughed, leaning around her to kiss Saffron.

Who kept her eyes open and raised an eyebrow. Just Happened to abscond with the Lancasters, hmm?

What? No! Just helping them out with, y'know, married stuff.

She pulled away and tapped at her teeth, grinning. Oh. Yes. Married stuff. What was the last thing I was doing with my wife? I forget.

No! Seriously, I... I turned to motion toward them, only to realize exactly why she had such a stupid smug grin on her face. Before I brought them back, Bonnie'd managed to get Larry's shirt partially open, and by the way his arms kept twitching and he kept his hands under the table, I'm pretty sure his pants were way more than partially undone. My man Larry's hands hadn't slowed in the slightest, and while her shift still kept her tits nominally covered, half of it was tucked up under one of her boobs and her shirt was really more of a boob shelf than anything else.

I couldn't help it, my palm wound up irresistibly drawn to my face. I can explain. You see, what had happened was...

Ah, ah, ah. This can wait until after dinner, when I decide on the consequence for your indiscretions.

But... but... I sighed. Fine.

I kept my pouty face mostly inside, especially as every woman in the damn place kept looking back and forth between the Lancasters and I, and for some reason all of them were smiling. Not even the nasty 'oh, we know what you were doing' smile, either, but more of a 'damn, you go girl' kinda thing. So I just tried to nuzzle Saffron and look smug. At least she didn't push me away, just let me snuggle while Menace finished my food.

Upstairs, after we had everyone in bed, Saffron dropped the three of us onto the Love Shack Super Bed, then said, "Marie, be a dear and hold her down?"

I squirmed a little, but my heart wasn't in it. I'd felt so proud of myself for helping the Lancasters out, and now Saffron thought I'd been, I dunno, snagging a quickie or some shit. With Larry of all people. Ew.

Saffron slipped off her civvies, then with a thought had Glowing Midnight's lingerie on. Then she shook her head and banished it, only to put her civvies back on. "No, I recall you not being healthy enough to support them the other day." She flopped herself down and crawled up my front while I swear Marie snickered. "But you're feeling better now, right?"

"Well, yeah, but..."

"Now, before you receive your just reward, my Hero, could you indulge me for just a little bit?"

"Huh?"

She grinned. "I was watching the whole time, Goof. Just in case you needed me, and to explain where you'd gone. Everyone thinks it was something medical in nature as regards Bonnie's pregnancy. At least that's what I told them. Not my fault you brought them both back looking half ravished. Now," she lifted my hands up to her breasts. "What Larry was doing looked delightful."

Yeah, got a little less sleep last night than I might have, but wound up feeling pretty good by morning bath time. Doing the Patron thing, helping my friends, getting enthusiastically rewarded by my boss slash High Priestess slash wife slash fic ain't got nothin' on our private time activities, baby. Like, in all seriousness that was the first thing in a while I remember doing that really helped somebody out and didn't wind up hurting me or somebody else to do.

Spent the day listening to Maze read the second Aching book, making little rocks into big rocks at the homestead, getting myself thoroughly coated in Worship and gratitude in the courtyard of Lancaster House, and staring at the flare-free skies of Calverton. Midway through the day I noticed some ships heading to the south side of the river, so I hopped aboard the nearest one. "Hey, Jarl. What's up?"

He shrugged. "Majesty. Seneschal ordered us over here. The Trolls have taken most of the southern sections of town; they just need someone to keep the Undead from reinforcing via the western bridges, plus maybe some assistance with the holdouts in the middles."

"Huh. Good to know. You've got the new flares and flags, right?"

"Yes, Majesty."

"Carry on then." I hopped back, reminding myself to ask Saffron about the new flags and flares, because I sure as fuck didn't know what our new signal scheme was.

At the end of the day, Saffron flopped back next to me where I played bear for Maze to lean on while she read. "Hey sweetie," I whispered.

She snuggled in and murmured back, "ready?"

"Ready for what?"

For the consequence for your good behavior, Goof.

Uh... wasn't that last night?

She twisted around and Grinned up at me. Oh, love, didn't you hear me then? That was you indulging me. Tonight is time for your reward.

"Why do I think you're gonna keep on coming up with excuses?" I murmured into her hair.

She whispered back, "because you are far smarter than you look. Not that that's hard. Didn't duBois teach you how to duck?"

I couldn't even be mad at her. Mostly because everybody else was, because Maze couldn't stop laughing long enough to finish today's reading.

Oh, no, guess I'll be too busy doing Penance to reward you properly tonight then.

My wife best wife.

No you.