Dear Diary,

"Falling in love and having a relationship are two different things."

- Keanu Reeves

I'd never really thought about that before, but it totally makes sense. Like, falling in love is totally about the hormones, the Happy Brain Chemicals that make you feel all fluttery when the object of your affection is around, when they're paying attention to you, when they do something that makes you feel like they're into you as much as you're into them. I guess that covers being 'in love' as well. The fancy word for it is 'infatuation'. Like, this person is your hyperfocus of the week.

But... that whole 'object of affection' thing is... like, the whole problem is 'object'. I mean, I'm down for being maybe just a little bit objectified at times. Object of desire, object of affection. I think part of that stems from what Bonnie talked about in her letter. I grew up knowing I was... superfluous. Unwanted. Useless. Somebody looking at me like an object is intellectually bad, sure, but if they're looking at me as something they want, that wanted overrides that 'thing' completely. Wanted. Needed. Useful. So, y'know, that's part of it, when somebody is just some rando you barely know, but they're cute, or hot, or funny, or have something else that makes the lady bits tingle, throwing rizz at them to see how they react. If they throw some back, give you that look that says 'let's rub body parts together and see what happens', for however long it lasts it overrides that useless feeling.

But a relationship? You don't have a relationship with an object. Relationships are with people, who have thoughts and feelings and plans of their own. You gotta pay attention not just to how they make you feel, but how your actions affect them. Like, make them feel and think and affect their plans, not just, y'know, stiff nips and panty drips. Relationships are hard. I mean, the concept isn't hard. Even a dumbass like me can get it. Communicate honestly, listen openly, do what you say you're gonna do. That's three things. Three little things. I mean, yeah, they lead to a bunch of other shit, like 'watch me stuff the eastern seaboard into my cooch', 'tie me up and fuck the guilt out of me', and my least favorite, 'rip me to pieces because I want cool body art of your fingerprints'. But that's... y'know, those are the things that weird me out about our relationship, but it's really selling shit short to focus on them. 'Snuggle me when it's all too much'. 'Make me really believe you love the darkest parts of me rather than just tolerating them', and maybe my favorite, 'include me in your life in every way we can without wanting to throttle one another'.

I think I got really, really lucky here and now. Because I'm in a relationship with women who love me, who care about me and even take care of me, and I'm utterly infatuated with them.

So yesterday right before sunset Senior Cadet Karen Smith showed up and dropped her bomb of a request in my lap. I just stared at her, not speaking, hoping she'd take my silence for contemplation of her request. I mean, it was, but let's face it, when it comes to big brain time, and contemplating seems like big brain time to me, I know exactly which big brain I'm gonna turn to.

Saffron!

Yes, love?

Are you seeing this? It was all I could do not to gesture, lest Karen misconstrue it.

Saffron snickered in my brain. I am. It's adorable.

The fuck?

Don't you have that saying in your world? Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?

It took me a second to realize exactly how right she was, exactly how many parallels there were between Cadet Smith right now and my Kitten nearly a year ago. Declaring me her Patron? Yep. Wanting to be my Priestess? Yeah, that too. I am not fucking her!

That much is obvious, unless you can make your tentacles both invisible and ineffective now.

No, I meant... Gah. I'm married, getting more married at some point in the future, and already have another chew toy lined up for when the war's over. I'm swamped!

Saffron snickered in my ear. Oh, I dunno.

What?

You've got two hands, a mouth, and a crotch.

I snorted, shaking my head when Karen looked up at me. I raised one finger, and she froze. How exactly does that last one figure in in terms of me keeping another one of you satisfied? My Kitten's reply was a mental image of Marie cutting fabric with a set of shears, with a soundtrack of uproarious laughter. Oh, ha, ha, ha. What the fuck do I tell her?

I hadn't even gotten to your tentacles, love. You're nowhere near capacity yet, I'm sure. Be that as it may, however, what do you want?

I blanked. Huh?

Do you want Clergy dedicated to you in your person as the Demigoddess of Bloodlust, Justified Homicide, Vengeance, Passion, Ecstasy, and Children?

I thought about that for half a second before replying, if people start Worshipping me as Bloodlust, as Vengeance, as any kind of Homicide, is that gonna make me get more violent?

Saffron chuckled quietly inside my brain. Oh, love. 'Start' Worshipping you? Throughout your Alliance you are already Worshipped. Haven't you noticed your urges ramping up to match? We certainly have. That last bit came through as an almost mutter; if she hadn't intended me to hear, I wouldn't have, but I got the impression she wasn't exactly complaining. Not exactly not complaining either, but it seemed more like a 'good exhausted' thing.

Dafuq? How the fuck do I keep them from doing that?

She sighed. That ship has sailed, love.

So there's nothing I can do?

Of course there is. I hate to admit it, but I whined at her, and she explained. You appoint Clergy to explain your desires to them.

Fuck.

You can do that too. She giggled again. So very flattering.

I sighed, out loud, and Karen's shoulders slumped. "There are gonna be some conditions."

Her head snapped up, and she looked at me with glistening eyes as my whole front tingled. Then she averted her eyes downwards. "Name them, Goddess."

I reached down, grabbed her by the bicep, and lifted her to her feet. Then I used my other hand to tilt her chin up to look at me. She got the point pretty quick, looking me in the eyes. "Yeah, that's the first one. I don't need anybody kowtowing to me, blowing smoke up my ass, or anything like that." When she opened her mouth with a mulish look, I said, "respect is fine. I..." I thought about it a second, "People wanna Worship me. I don't really get it, but okay, sure, but I don't want anybody putting themselves down to lift me up." When her mulish look turned to confusion, I shifted my hands to grip her arms and lifted until her head wasn't all that far from the ceiling. "You see me going down at all?"

She blushed and gabbled, and I realized right then that my fuckin' worshippers might be exacerbating my foot in mouth disease. Worse, Saffron was giggling and sending me images of her in a cheerleader uniform, obviously fully behind the idea of me despoiling her rival as some kind of dominance thing.

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I set Karen back on her feet. "Look, I don't want anybody making themselves less to make me more." I shrugged. "Kinda the reverse, really. You wanna make me happy? Be the best person you can be. You need somebody to call on when times get tough, or you wanna say I inspired you, sure, I can roll with that, but that bowing and scraping shit is just not for me. Just not the way I want to be worshipped."

"Yes, my Goddess."

At that point Sister Siobhan joined Saffron in giggling at me. I hopped down to the Infirmary, popped Glowing Midnight onto her, then popped the 'dress' part of it off of her. Her giggling slipped into something more like panting, she went red in the face, and she toppled over; I caught her and lay her down on one of the Infirmary beds, pulling a blanket over her and giving her a kiss on the cheek before collapsing back to myself.

Of course, that little bit gave me an inspiration. "You're asking me to trust you, Karen. Trust you with some really private shit. Stuff that only my family and lovers know."

Oh, so she'll be joining your growing legion of lovers now? I swear, if Kitten didn't sound so eager, I'd have thought she was getting pissed about it. She probably had some kind of plan to go full on Domme on Karen or something. Seven percent of a plan at most. You only just mentioned you'd be amenable.

I did not... Fine. If and when she asks me, and I am hereby commandmenting all three of you that you are not under any circumstances allowed to try and manipulate her into asking me, or get someone else to do so. Understood?

Saffron sighed. You'll probably faff about just as much with her as you're doing with Siobhan. I'm still half convinced that you're going to make us wait until next Summer Solstice for her, you know.

I grinned, reveling in the certain knowledge that I knew something she didn't. Fine. She asks, I do. No waiting. But no interference from you lot. Got it?

So we're just to wait until your natural allure becomes irresistible to her?

That's what I said. She just hummed seven notes, because she is an absolutely adorable little sadist. "Okay, so I'm not making you Clergy quite yet. You've got to go through trials and shit."

She nodded, her eyes dropping then coming back to meet mine. "Completely reasonable. What must I do?"

I waved her in, and she stepped into the suite. Which, I just realized, meant she stepped into the room with the big double bed. She looked at me, a little bit of shock showing on her face, and I held up one hand, closing the door. "Not that, Karen. Follow me." I lead her into the office, where she and Saffron nodded to one another, then through the door in the back of the armoire. "Son? Are you here?"

"Yes, Mother?"

I felt Mana gathering, and barked out, "Stop!" I turned to see Conrad standing between the two of us, smiling at me, obviously ignoring Karen as she straightened from the crouch she'd dropped into. "Good Evening, Son." I pulled him into a quick hug. "You're looking well. Created anything interesting lately?"

He sighed and slumped, the whole thing faked, but faked well. "The Spawn has proven remarkably resistant. Still, I've not failed yet."

"I have faith in you, Son. I wait with bated breath to see what you make of it." I paused, then nodded to Karen. "Senior Cadet Smith here has asked to become my Clergy." He lifted an eyebrow, and I said, "I can think of no one else I would trust to design the official Holy Garb for Clergy of Tabitha Diaz, Patron Demigoddess of the Alliance."

He smiled at the compliment, and even gave me a half bow with one hand pressed to his chest. "Mother, I'm flattered. Of course I would be honored to do so."

"Thank you, Son." I stepped up close to him, giving him another hug. I whispered, "Don't think I didn't notice you pandering to my tastes, Son."

When I stepped back, he gave me another little head nod of a bow. "Understood, mother." He then turned to Karen, but I stepped forward before he could say anything.

"So, Karen. You know who this is?"

Her eyes showing just a little white all around the edges, she whispered, "yes."

"Good. Really wouldn't do to have you be too dull to pick up on him being my son after me calling him 'son' so many times, right?" Her lips drew back in a rictus grin. "This is your first trial. You will remain here, with my son Conrad, until your Holy Garb is ready. Be on your best behavior, I don't think I can make you my Clergy if you offend my son. Understood?"

"Understood, Goddess," she whispered hoarsely.

"Good." I turned to Conrad. "How long do you think it will take?"

He dropped one shoulder in a gallic shrug. "Perhaps a day, perhaps two." He turned to Karen. "Have you eaten dinner?" Her head jerked once. "Excellent. Mother, could you arrange for a Maid to deliver... three meals, please?"

Can you take care of that, Marie?

Yes.

"Of course, son. I leave her in your hands."

I stepped out of the Workshop and slid the door shut. Saffron gently set Maze on her feet, then stood and walked carefully over to me. As she did, Marie showed up, scooped up Maze, and disappeared. "Tabitha?"

"Yes, Kitten?"

"That was perhaps the cruelest single thing I have ever seen you do." Before I could reply, she leapt on me, lips locking to mine, ankles locked behind me. Goddess please take me now, I beg of you.

I'm nothing if not an obedient wife. Diapering kids, obeying my spouse, doing housework... I mean constructing a house counts as housework, right? Complete Tradwife, that's me.

Slept too well to remember too much about Mimic's dreams. There was laughter and screaming, and I'm not sure what else.

Today was mostly full of same old, same old. The Undead had left some roofs clear, so I hopped around on the guarded ones shouting out my PSAs until they got bored and sprung the ambushes on the unguarded ones when I hit a guarded roof nearby. I visited Loki and Sigyn, and we chatted about what I should do regarding Karen.

I think I got prouder than anything short of Saffron agreeing to marry me when Loki said, "I can think of nothing to add to your plan, Daughter. Kudos, as the Greeks would say."

Okay, I glowed a little more when Mom added, "you even included your wife in your decision. Well done on all counts."

The ex-Undead and I did a bunch of cargo moving under the decks while Marie kept one of me as a chew toy. Okay, not so much 'chewing' as idly licking the spot she'd marked me, but it still left me all warm and fuzzy.

Maze kept going with the Aching books, and Menace got cranky when I wouldn't take her on another visit to the Black Dragon. "After Calverton is clear, Menace."

She gave me a narrow eyed stare for like thirty solid seconds, then smiled, nodded, said, "ah-tay!" then ran off with her crew.

Right around lunch, Saffron stopped coding and said, "turn me around?"

I lifted her and settled her back on my lap, straddling my thighs. "This okay?"

She kissed me, then leaned back smiling. "Perfect." Then she frowned. "I... cannot dictate to you, Goddess. I want to, mind you, but I feel I ought not. So this is a request. Please take it as such."

"Okay?"

She nodded. "Do you have additional Trials planned for Cadet Smith?"

I shrugged. "I'm making this shit up as I go along, Kitten."

"May we?" When I just stared making confused Tabitha noises, she asked, "may we, your High Priestesses, each give her a Trial to complete?"

I almost said yes without thinking about it, but then got a sudden rush of brains to the head. "You're not allowed to fuck her." When she got a bit of a booger look, I amended, "I mean, not as a Trial. I can totally see you getting your Domme on with her and shit and calling it a Trial." She pouted. "Tell me you wouldn't."

"I try not to lie to my Goddess that blatantly. Siobhan?"

I didn't think about it, I just snapped, "mine first." I shut my mouth a moment too late to keep the words in. I swear, they'd come out totally without conscious control.

Luckily my insane wife just laughed at me and nibbled on my ear. "Mine second."

"Agreed."

"Just like Karen."

I shook my head, amused and exasperated in equal measure. "After me. I'm not telling her she can't get her groove on."

"I should hope not. She'll be your Priestess after all."

I pulled back, pulling her back far enough for me to look into her eyes. I might have gotten a little lost in them for a while before I remembered and said, "what's that supposed to mean?"

Fortunately for me my Kitten can pick up conversations after my brain lags them. "Passion. Ecstasy. Lust."

"Bloodlust."

"Is. Still. Lust."

I sighed. "It sounds almost like she's gonna be leading some kind of, I dunno, ritualized fucking."

Saffron leaned her head against my chest. "Probably more like Revels. Promise me that if they are, we can attend some day?"

I chuckled and put my arms around her. "You know I can't tell you no when you're like this."

"Yay!" Then she raised her head. "So, that leaves Marie to test her Skills in that regard, and instruct her as needed?" I opened my mouth, and she cut me off, saying, "or are you going to tell Marie who she's allowed to Revel with now?"

"You... you totally maneuvered me into that."

"Yes."

"I'm not sure whether I'm mad at you or happy with you."

She Grinned at me. "I am ready to receive my punishment or my rewards, my Goddess."

"Fuck. Maneuvered yet again."

She shot me the absolute shittiest surprised face ever. "Oh, no! More rewards! Or punishments!" She raised one eyebrow and blepped for a moment. "And punishments?"

I snorted, because for the second time in two days my Trickster Brain wasn't totally fritzing. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. So first of all, you've got research to finish. You're finishing it before we go home tonight." She gabbled wordlessly for a second. "I know how close you are, I can feel you feeling it. You've got at least eight hours of daylight left. But I am a kind and generous Goddess, so..." She smiled at me. "As soon as you've got that Spell ready? You and I are gonna hit the Love Shack." She nodded, even maybe bobbleheading a little. "Where I'm gonna be the laziest pillow princess to ever make her partner do every bit of the work until said partner collapses from exhaustion."

She snickered, smiled, laughed, and leaned over to put her mouth next to my ear. Where with one syllable she expressed exactly how badly she'd outplayed me a third time in one conversation.

"Ding."

First world fuckin' problems, I tell you.