Dear Diary,

"It was my father who taught me to value myself. He told me that I was uncommonly beautiful and that I was the most precious thing in his life."

- Dawn French

Damn. Y'know, I think out of all the things I've read about being a dad, that's the one I might have missed the most, the one I want to make sure I do for Maze and the others. Yeah, I'm not actually gonna be a dad, although if she wants me to be I will be. But I never had anybody to tell me I was special and treat me like a precious pretty princess. Probably why I fell for fuckers who would give me even really shitty backhanded compliments back at Eastside. Well, that and a desperate and unending need for cock that I might be overestimating in retrospect because of the whole itch I can't scratch at the moment. What's really weird is how I could totally scratch that itch, but doing so in a way I don't feel like I've fucked up somehow is the big challenge.

Shit, maybe that's another thing I missed out on from that lack of a dad. I never had somebody giving me stuff just to give me stuff. I don't mean that in a gold digger kind of way, either, but like, spending time with me, making me stuff, getting me stupid little presents because he was thinking of me. Not because I wanted more stuff, although I was just as much of a greedy little bitch as any other little kid, and not even because I wanted him to spend more time with me, even though I wanted that too, but so that I'd have maybe gotten the idea that an adult person thought I had some value. Y'know, other than what I could do for them, or as a trophy or whatever.

So yesterday was pretty good. Honestly, a near perfect day if I hadn't died twice and maybe lit Calverton on fire. Luckily, like a lot of the buildings here and now, the place is mostly stone, and we'd had enough rain recently that nothing was really dry. Coupled with the Create Water I dropped on it, the rooftops just wound up a little bit scorched. Okay, from what Olga told me, they'll need to replace those roofs to make the buildings usable again, but since they're not in our controlled section of the City, nobody was using them, so no harm, no foul, right?

Also yesterday Maze managed to make it about halfway through Wee Free Men. She seemed oddly subdued as we put the book back on the shelf. I gave her a hug and said, "don't like how it's going?"

She shook her head. "No, I..." She trailed off, looking pensive.

"But you're liking it?" She nodded, but didn't say anything. I took her by the hand, then stepped Saffron and I back to Lancaster House. I ran the me Mimicking Maze up to our suite to meet us, collapsing into myself the moment nobody had eyes on me.

Saffron hopped up to give me a peck on the cheek, then stepped around to Maze's far side. "Come along, love. I think Marie's made something else for you tonight."

"Cool!" I took off, leading our chain of me, Maze, and Saffron. At the steps I scooped Maze up, scooped Saffron into my other arm, then slid down the bannister. We hit the bottom laughing like loons, and I traded an armful of Saffron for an armful of Isnomi when I reached the table. Two. I had two little girls, two daughters in all but name, laughing as I spun them around. So fuckin' weird to think, but so fucking awesome. After a few moments of spinning in place, I set them down and laughed more than I should have as they both stumbled their dizzy ways to their seats.

I did not stumble. That would be far beneath the dignity of the Champion of the Alliance. I Translocated into my seat and flopped into it, slumping against the back until the room stopped spinning.

I'd learned my lesson last night, and waited while the wait staff brought dinner out. Everybody except Saffron and Bonnie looked a little weirded out when the first thing delivered to each of us was a waffle. Not disappointed, Lancaster House Waffles are absolutely breakfast for dinner food, but I couldn't remember seeing them outside of breakfast. Then I smelled something that made my mouth water, but I couldn't place it. I realized why a moment later, when Marie placed a quartet of big chunky southern fried chicken tendies on top of the waffle, then poured some kind of pale brown gravy over them. I'd really intended to wait until everybody was served, but the moment that sight, that smell, that combo on the plate hit me, I grabbed Marie by the arm, folded my waffle over the chicken and tore out a big chunky messy bite of waffle and chicken and surprisingly sweet gravy, and stared at her as I savored the fuck out of that shit.

I think my eyelids fluttered shut at one point. I know I groaned a little, because oh, my, god. My brain did that 'tell me to swallow' thing and I absolutely the fuck did not, just mashing that shit for every ounce of flavor savor until I looked deep into Marie's eyes, swallowed, then pulled her down to savor her mouth as much as I had her cooking. When we came up for air, I leaned my forehead against hers, let go of her arm, and said, "thank you, Marie. That's fucking incredible."

"Welcome." She grinned, tickling my lips with her fur. "Vlickies." Then she was off to finish her part of the whole food distribution.

I looked up to see half the table watching with varying degrees of amusement. Hell, even Raven didn't look as disgusted as she normally did at our public display of amorous shenanigans. "What, no snarky comment?" I asked before nomming another huge bite of my waffle and chicken.

She smirked and replied, "little disappointed. I thought you were gonna bite her."

I nearly choked on my food when Marie murmured, "Same."

Of course, right then Bonnie leaned over and stage whispered to Larry, "if you insist on doing that with our Maid, I'm gonna find out what Oscar tastes like."

He spun to face her, spouting something like, "I'd never," only to get interrupted by her lips. When she eventually pulled away, she said, "I know. I just wanted to hear you say it. Blame it on the pregnancy."

He huffed out a sigh. "You blame a lot of things on that."

She frowned. "Upset?"

He smiled and shook his head. "Hardly. But you don't need an excuse. I enjoy doting on you, wife."

"Careful, husband. You'll spoil me."

"Only if I'm doing it right."

At that point, they started feeding each other chicken tenders, and Raven pushed her chair back in disgust. "Enough to put me off my feed. Pity, it's pretty good." She walked off for the steps. I wouldn't have noticed, except I was trying to figure out if she'd get bent out of shape if I stole her leftovers without asking, so I saw when she dropped one hand down to her side and snapped her fingers twice. Not, like, loud, either, but Lachlan's head snapped around like she had him on a leash or some shit.

I got to watch ten seconds of him looking back and forth between his plate, hers, and her rapidly receding posterior. At that point I took pity on him and said, "I don't think Marie or Oscar will kill you if you take your plates upstairs."

He still hesitated until Oscar said, "of course not. Master Lancaster may have his dinner where he likes."

Of course he nearly dropped both plates when Marie chimed in with, "Wound." Credits for bravery, he still dashed up the steps carrying two plates a few seconds later.

Didn't spill any gravy, either, which was probably a good thing. Gravy isn't normally sticky, but whatever Marie had come up with definitely had some honey or syrup or something in it. The flavors in it hit my tongue with unexpected intensity; sugar sweetness of syrup, maybe a little of the savor from honey. The creaminess of butter, which I'd come to realize since arriving here had a lot more in the way of flavor than the super processed butter back at Eastside. Some kind of deep savory something, dark and compelling. Then the meaty taste of chicken, like you'd expect from chicken gravy. It was like what you'd expect from the glop left over on the plate when you finished eating chicken and waffles with butter and syrup, but with some kind of added kick to it, and, like, with all the flavors hitting one right after the other.

I savored the last bite even more than I had the first, and after licking my plate clean I held it up in front of me and looked at Marie with my very best 'may I have some more' puppy dog eyes. She just smiled, came over, took my plate, and leaned down to bunt her forehead against mine. "Patience."

Not the answer I wanted, but with my goal of being more mature and parentish and shit, I smiled and just said, "thank you for dinner, Marie," then nodded to the rest of the staff, "thanks, everyone."

That fired off a chorus of 'thank you' from the posse and horde hoard, which surprised me. Surprising no one, I turned to Saffron, who still had half of her tendies and waffle, because she was eating them like a vaguely civilized human and using cutlery, stared at her plate and whined. Saffron looked up at me and said, "didn't Marie just tell you to be patient?"

"Yeah," I whined, giving her the puppy dog look as well.

She sighed, sliced off a bit of chicken tender, picked it up in her fingers and said, "sit on your hands." I did, because I am a Good Wife and Obey my Wife and Am Not Stupid. "Open your mouth." I complied, and she said, "now, catch." I waited, then she said, "with your eyes closed." I froze, whined a little, but closed my eyes. Then I held absolutely still and tried to listen for the sound of her flicking it at me, or it flying through the air, or something like that.

I am not fucking Daredevil. Before I moved something warm and sticky plonked onto my upper lip, and it was all I could do to bobble it into my mouth instead of onto the table. I managed it though. Even managed three out of four of the following shots. Embarrassingly the one I missed was one that landed on my tongue and somehow still bounced out of my mouth, leaving a trail of sticky syrup down my chin. Then the chicken bites stopped landing on my face. Right before I opened my eyes Saffron said, "scoot back," from right behind me. I scooted, and she laughed and said, "you can open your eyes, Goof."

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

When I did, she set her plate in front of me and flopped that ass right onto my lap, sitting sideways and saying, "feed me, wife. And no stealing my food. I've given you all I intend to share tonight already." Then she leaned in and breathed, "food, anyhow," into my ear.

I was a good Wife and fed her carefully. Okay, that's a fuckin' lie. I'd have to apologize to Marie later, because by the time we finished her uniform Jacket had as much syrup on it as sweat. None on her face, though, because I licked that shit clean right the fuck away. After I watched, fascinated, as she swallowed the last of her dinner, I realized the rest of the table had sort of devolved. The few Dan matrons who'd decided to risk dinner with us tonight looked just the tiniest bit scandalized. I was about to get cranky about that when I realized they weren't looking at Saffron and I, and definitely weren't looking at the Heir and his Consort either, because they, like me, were not mouth breather stupid.

They were looking at the kid end of the table, which showed every sign of having been the site of a massive tender flinging free for all. No tenders or waffles remained in evidence, but sticky trails crisscrossed the table and even parts of the floor. Marie had Isnomi by the scruff of the neck, one hand waving to encompass the syrupy devastation wrought across half the room. For her part, Menace pouted, then huffed out a sigh, slumped, and said, "ah-tay."

Marie ruffled her hair, hugged her, and said, "Good."

After the assorted kids helped clean up the mess and we all stood to troop up the stairs toward bed, Saffron Co-Located the pair of us to the Love Shack and banished our uniforms, at which point the one missing nugget flopped directly into my cleavage. She flopped me over backward, pinned me to the bed, and took her damn sweet time collecting that last morsel, making sure my general inter-boob region was as clean as a tongue could get it. It wasn't until she pulled back that I realized that she was not, in fact, she right at that moment.

My first reaction was drooling like the idiot everyone knows I am. Her, no his face was just as beautiful and handsome as ever, but subtly more angled, more masculine, his jawline a little sharper. A laugh forced its way through the drool when I realized his eyelashes were absolutely to fuckin' die for. His chest gave me pause, since boy Saffron was missing two very important, beloved features, but holy fuck on toast those pecs. My hindbrain took over my mouth and let the intrusive thought leak out. "It is a nice night for a walk. Definitely nothing clean. You can have my clothes, no fucking needed."

He laughed at my half-sane rambling. "That is absolutely not what I expected you to say." He flexed, and something kinda thwapped against my stomach.

I looked down between us. "Wow. That's. Wow. That's a lot."

He smiled, slow and confident, and something in my stomach fluttered. Then clenched in a way I did not like. "Too much? I wanted to make a good," he flexed another couple times, slapping against my abs in a way that made me giggle, "first impression." I giggled, but shifted my way back up the bed. He followed until I scooched my way into a sitting position, at which point he raised an eyebrow, then shifted smoothly back until he knelt in front of me, knees splayed just far enough to put himself on display. "What's wrong?"

I whimpered a little and said, "I don't fuckin' know. I don't know! What the fuck? Seriously," I slapped at my own cooch region, eyes crossing when I realized I had not done that particular maneuver since stealing all the Strength in the world. "OW! What the fuck?"

He snorted, but quietly said, "do you want me to shift back?"

"NO!" I grabbed at him, freezing the moment my hand made contact. "Holy shit that's bigger than my fuckin' hand."

"I could make it smaller." When I looked back into his eyes, he said, "shapeshifter, remember?"

"Shit, no, that was actually kind of a challenge. One I want to win without shapeshifting me to fit it now." I flailed my hands a little. "But right now. I... Fuck, I am literally drooling looking at you. It's like, fuck, half of me is screaming 'put cock in hole now', but the rest of me is all 'no, bad, wrong', and somehow that latter bit has gotten control of the fuckin' waterworks."

I realized how true that was when he reached up and wiped a tear away from my eye. "We won't unless you want to. I know you like me pushing your boundaries, Goof, but it seems this one might break something rather than stretching it."

"Maybe I like being broken."

"Maybe you do, but if you wanted to be broken, we both know you crying isn't the way to get me to do it."

I rolled my eyes, more at me than him. "Yeah. Yeah, I know. Fuck. Fuck, shit, damn, double fuck that you took that as expletive rather than imperative, shit, shit, shit, fuck."

"Done?"

"No. FUCK! Okay, I think I'm done. Fuck. Why the fuck?" I stopped, then looked up at him. "Saffron? Help?"

He nodded. "Just one question."

"Anything."

"Do you want me to help you let me in you, or do you want help understanding why I'm not yet?"

I slumped down, then scooted back until I sat a little more upright, supported by the bed. I waved my arms at him, and he scooted over to sit in my lap, arms around me. I smiled at the thought that holy fuck why am I not fucking him right now hottie or not, my wife was absolutely a short king as a man. "Are you disappointed?"

He shrugged. "A little. The impulses like this are a little more... intense? No. Consuming maybe. Reckless." He smiled, kissed me, and said, "very you-like, I think."

"What, I'm some kind of trans-guy waiting to happen?"

"No, love. You're spontaneous and fierce and savage and one hundred percent woman. I meant I felt a little more savage about things like this." He paused. "I am now simultaneously desperately wanting to find out what you'd be like if you did what I'm doing now, and terrified I would wind up losing my title as Imperator if you did."

I frown ed, stroking my hair down her, if anything, thicker locks. "You think I'd take your job?"

He smiled, shaking his head. "Oh, no. I think you're both serious and correct about immortal rulers, and that means the title passes to another if I die."

"Hey! I'm careful with you! I'd be careful with you!"

He leaned in and kissed me, long and slow and gently. When he pulled back, he breathed out, "I trust you completely, love. I also know how easy it would be for you to make a mistake, and even still I trust you to Revive me." Then the Grin showed up on his face, and I whimpered at how both sides of that 'insert cock right the fuck now' and 'no, bad, wrong, dirty' tore at me. "Also, and mark my words and obey me, wife..."

"Yeah?" I panted.

"I don't care how many times you wind up Reviving me, if we are in that situation? Don't you dare fucking hold back or stop until you're done." I barked out a laugh, and he said, "no, seriously, I love my job, but I love you more, and along with satiating you in new and interesting ways, who other than perhaps the Maenads can say, 'I had sex so good it killed me multiple times, and yet I walk the Earth to spread the tale of my wife's Glory nonetheless'?" That got me laughing. When I settled, she said, "do you really want me to 'science this shit'?"

"Yeah." She nodded, and suddenly she sat in my lap, soft features and tits bigger than I remembered, although my hand on one of them felt the same. Looking down I realized she had not, in point of fact, entirely changed back. "Well. Damn. Didn't even make it smaller. Shit, did you make it bigger?"

"Not intentionally. So, do you want me to...?"

I thought about that. Really fuckin' weird situation, but I gave it my best think, imagining us in the act like that. "Yeah, I dunno. I mean, I got no bad feelings about it, so if you're trying to start your stress testing my hoo hah tonight, I guess we could, but..."

"But?"

I shook my head. "No drool. Like, if I hadn't been struck with the mother of all ADHD executive dysfunctions a minute ago, you'd be destined to lie here all mummified after I sucked all the juices out of you two tablespoons at a time."

"Sucked? Not..." she glanced downward.

I laughed. "Yeah, okay, but I got Kegels for days. Call it alternate sucked and squeezed. But yeah, no, right now? Total 'I could eat, and it looks edible, but no hunger detected. Wait, no, that's kinda a lie."

"So..." she shifted a little.

"No, I still kinda have that 'need to get my ashes hauled' thing going on, it's just... this is not the shovel I'm looking for."

Saffron nodded. "Okay. So you've nothing against trying this, but at the same time it doesn't engender either of those passionate feelings you'd been dealing with, for good or ill."

"Yeah, that sounds right." She nodded again, then straddled my left leg. It did not fit. In point of fact it played hypotenuse to my thigh and abs, poking me in the bottom of my left tit. "Shit, you did make that bigger, it's like, the size of my fuckin' thigh."

She laughed, throwing her head back and all but losing her shit. "Oh, Goof. Oh, love. I absolutely did not, and it is nowhere near as large as your thigh, but perhaps I did go overboard a bit."

"Yeah, y'know what you said about how you're gonna scream 'worth' at the top of your lungs when you pop off after I Revive you?"

She choked on her own spit and laughter. When she got her mouth under control she said, "not what I said, although I am absolutely doing that now, but yes?"

"Yeah, as to overboard, when we... okay, let's be honest, when you figure this out, throw me in that fucking ocean. Drown me."

She smiled, bowed her head with an impish grin etched onto her lips, and said, "as my Goddess commands." I swear that fuckin thing throbbed and got bigger. "At any rate, we've two data points now. How about this?" The weight and warmth poking me in the tit disappeared, and damp warmth spread across my thigh.

A while later she leaned over and booped my nose. "Well. I think we can call that 'attracted without paralyzing guilt', can we not?"

"Hoo, yeah. Check, check, checkity check."

She nodded, then rolled over to kneel between my thighs. As I stared at the jiggle physics, it thwapped against my belly again. She raised an eyebrow. "So, shall I continue the sciencing?"

I shrugged. "I never thought being a living lightning rod would be hot, but you convinced me. What the hell. Wait... don't we need to wrap it up or something?"

She shook her head. "I'd planned on, well, suffice to say you are not fertile at the moment."

"Okay then. Permission to science granted. Ramming speed!" Yeah, she had to stop laughing first.

Her eyes fluttered open a while later as I ran my fingers down her front. "You like?"

She smiled up at me. "I think that's what I should be asking you."

I shrugged. "I mean... bell rung." I chuckled a little. "Like a fuckin' cathedral calling the faithful, really. Very nice."

"But?"

"No, that's still sixth." She laughed and slapped at me. "Okay, yeah, good clean fun and all, but," I thought about the dudes I'd been playing tonsil hockey with as a 'reward for good behavior' down at sus alley and shook my head. "Still craving cock."

"Sooo..." He rolled me over, slipped into our previous starting position, and raised an eyebrow.

"FUCK! BLESSED FUCK SHIT FUCK DAMMIT FUCK!" I twisted away and curled into a ball. I might have been weeping. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

"I think I may have an idea. Come back? If you can? Nothing will start until you say so."

I rolled back over and looked up at Lachlan. "Oof. Wow. Uh..."

"Shall I?" I shook my head. "Okay. Explain?"

It took me a second to get past the idea that he was trying to convince me. "One, that's really good. Mimicked?" He nodded. "Okay, so still kinda fucked up, but not as bad. Like, Lachlan's not nearly as hot as you are, but the whole guilt trip 'no bad naughty wrong' isn't as harsh either."

"Such a flatterer."

"Nope. You're insanity inducing hot as a guy. I want this block broken almost enough to tell you to break shit."

He shook his head, "No, love. stretching, not breaking, and to do that I must map out what needs to be done. So, still enough to keep you from doing what you want." He tapped at his teeth, a very Saffron gesture coming from Lachlan. "I have an idea, but... not tonight. Tonight, I think we're for bed."

I sighed, then wriggled my shoulders against the sheets. They went squish, and I chuckled. "Yeah. So weird, drinking until I slosh and still being thirsty."

Saffron held out a hand, pulling me upright and whispering in my ear, "perhaps you're hungry, and neither spirits nor stew will suffice when you need steak." Then she collapsed us back to Lancaster House.

Mimic dreamt of Saffron as steak, rare and melting in her mouth while she danced with her Kraken above the Bay.