Dear Diary,

"When you follow your Passion,

Remember who's left behind,

Lest Passion's price be too high."

Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Passion

Definitely seen that happen a bunch of fuckin' times. Like, I get it, I do, when you find that hyperfixation, you gotta chase that Dopamine until it dries up, because nobody fuckin' knows when the next dose is gonna come along. When you find that person, place, or thing that makes the Serotonin flow, you weld your ass to that shit, because if Dopamine is Gold, Serotonin is Platinum. You get that Passion going, the urge to chase it can be strong, so strong you give up everything else for the chase.

Sometimes, maybe, if you didn't start out with a lot, and your Passion is the kind of thing that can pull you through life, like music, or art, or, I dunno, service to others, that's worth it. Like, if your dad left for cigs when you were a kid, and your mom's an addict, and you realize that you can sell anything to anybody, and closing that fuckin' deal is what you live for? Fuck it, get a job at the used car lot, sell a car when everybody else is busy, get yourself a suit, and just sell every goddamn thing anybody will let you hawk until you get rich or die trying. Seriously, only sheer random chance kept that guy's kid out of my uterus, and he didn't even ring my bell reliably. Just... loved sealing the deal, any deal, and sometimes I wound up the deal, y'know?

But not everybody's like that. Some of us have important jobs to do, or kids, which is an entirely different kind of important job to do. Yeah, sometimes you get lucky, like me, and find your Passion in your partner. Or, y'know partners, because I'm pretty fuckin' Passionate about all of them, and no I'm not exclusively talking in a sexy way. Like, yes, that too, but I could spend days, even weeks, just watching them. Working. Playing. Sleeping. Talking. Shit, now I sound creepy. Fuck. But I don't want to hurt them or own them, and holy shit they've all pretty much acted like they'd put on the collar and the leash and let me walk them around town like that, even Saffron who is absolutely the one who ought to be holding that fuckin' leash.

Yeah. Passion can make you stupid. Gotta put a verse in about that, too.

So yesterday after I recovered from Baby's First Stabilize, Primordial Terror edition, my ladies stepped the rest of the kids through trying it. Daya and David both wound up moving their hands around and doing fuck all other than that. Like, Saffron showed me that they kinda sorta had a bit of Mana flowing, but nothing that produced any Shapes. But we patted them on the head and praised them for getting the hand motions almost right, because they had. Lindsey nailed the hand motions, but had less Mana flow than either of her little sibs.

Alex... Alex fucked up in the most spectacular way possible that didn't end in tragedy, I think. She's got Mana, and enough that Saffron thinks she's got what it takes to be a decent Mage if she applies herself, but holy fuck was her Shaping sloppy. Sloppy to the point that Saffron slapped a petite Mana Ward around her hands just before it went completely sideways, and Siobhan and I slammed the biggest Heal Injury we could into her before she stopped yelling. Not even gonna describe what her hands looked like, but other than a big scare, she walked away unscathed.

Maze managed an actual Stabilize. A little one. Not sure it would actually, y'know, keep someone from dying. But it might. Of course, she wound up sweating and damn near passing out, and Saffron forbade her from trying again until she'd had a full night's sleep, but she did it. The real weird thing came from Ria. She didn't even take her turn, and I don't think anybody but me really noticed she hadn't. Instead, when Maze wandered over to the collection of chairs to find a seat, Ria followed her over. I kinda ghosted along just close enough to hear the conversation, maybe a little worried about their whole 'Kelpie vs. Sidhe' thing from before.

"You did very well."

Maze gave her a bit of a look. Not actually offended, but on the edge of it. "I barely got it off, and it took everything I had. The Shape. I had nothing left for the, y'know, Stabilizing part."

Ria shrugged. "That will come with time, with practice. You created a Shape. That is the difficult part, the part most Mortals cannot do."

"Oh. So you can?"

Ria blinked, looking honestly confused. "Certainly."

"Really? Show me."

Before I could even think to intervene, Ria twisted her hands through the Shape for a Mana Ward, then, as every adult head in the room snapped over to her, did the same with a very tiny Stabilize. "See?"

"Is that real?" I leapt forward as Maze reached one finger out to poke it. Not quick enough, not when I was trying to hold back so I didn't hurt her worse than a botched Stabilize could. Something like a spark jumped to her finger the moment she touched it, and her legs went out from under her. She landed on her butt, blinking. "Ow?"

Ria knelt as her Mana Ward dissipated. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry... sister? I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Maze shook her head. "No. No, it didn't hurt? Not really? Honestly I feel better than I did, just a little, but it was kind of surprising." Ria reached out a hand as she stood, and she helped Maze to her feet.

I looked around and realized that the rest of the family had seen me on the case and turned back to their own charges. Saffron very carefully moving Alex's hands through the proper motions, Sister Siobhan doing something involving breathing with Lindsey, Daya sitting quietly in Loki's lap while David chatted quietly with Sigyn. Okay, Daya was also staring at Menace, who'd ridden the fuckin' snake up onto the ceiling, where she giggled and made faces at Marie, who stood just out of reach beneath her. I mean, yeah, if Marie wanted to she could have hopped up and grabbed her, and I'm pretty sure Isnomi knew that too, but it wasn't part of the game.

At that point Maze made a frustrated noise and said, "but that's kind of my point. You just... did that. You're not even sweating. And you made that other Shape. How am I supposed to compete with that?"

Ria frowned. "You're not?" When Maze frowned in return, she said, "we shouldn't be competing." I relaxed just a little until she opened her mouth and tried to fellate her own ankle by saying, "It would be totally unfair."

I stepped up behind Maze, but didn't intervene quite yet. Her shoulders hunched a little, and she growled out, "excuse me? Not fair? Why, because you're a high and mighty Sidhe and I'm just a pitiful little common half-Kelpie?"

Ria shook her head, clearly confused. "No. Well, actually..."

I stepped forward and put an arm around each of them. "Ria?"

"Yes, Tabitha?"

"I think, just for a moment, you need to be silent." I mean, I wanted to say 'shut the fuck up', but... Mom mode.

"Yes, Tabitha."

"Maze?"

"Yes, papa?" she smirked at me.

I smiled in return, but tried to put a strong element of 'don't pull any shit' into it. "I get that your sister isn't very good at explaining herself, and she definitely phrased that badly, but... I think it's because of exactly the point she was tryna make. Can you promise me to listen to her, hear her out, and not punch her in the face until after she's done her explanation?"

"Yes, papa." I swear to fuck she actually sounded disappointed, like she'd half wanted to rumble.

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"Okay. Ria, now, take a minute if you have to to gather your thoughts, but explain why you don't think it's fair for you and Maze to compete in Mana Shaping."

The little redhead nodded, paused, then looked low key horrified. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Maze. I just realized, I assumed something based on... well, based on things I assumed. May I ask you questions?" Maze nodded, giving Ria all the side eye. "How long have you been studying Mana Shaping?"

"You mean like, actually being taught?" Ria nodded. "Uh, two days, same as all of us."

Ria shook her head. "No, sister. Not 'the same'. I have studied Mana Shaping since the first year I learned to walk and speak. So while we both have had two days of group instruction in a small number of Shapes under a professional Healer and an Archmage, I have had over six years of individual Mana Shaping instruction under the greatest Mage in Rich Man's Port. To expect you to have anything approaching my proficiency is ludicrous."

Maze kinda sagged. "Six years?" Ria nodded. "Well. Sh... Sugar, that is kinda a big head start."

At that point I nudged them both and said, "hey Maze, you spent a lot of time growing up in mercenary camps?"

She shot me a look. "Mostly in garrisons, not camps."

"Fair amount of time spent talking to people? Some of them kids, some adults?" She shrugged. "I get that you're not a social butterfly or anything, but you know how to talk to people. How to talk to people who might not want to listen to you. Right?" She shrugged again, but nodded. Then I turned to Ria. "Who have you had more than one conversation with?"

"Mother. Adrienne. Cailyn. You. Maze. Saffron. Isnomi." She tried to hide the face she made and failed miserably. "Alex." She paused. "Do the past two days study with Sister Siobhan count?"

"Nobody else?" She shook her head, and I turned to Maze, "so you see maybe how while she's got some advantages on you in Mana Shaping, she's got her own struggles with things like, y'know, basic conversation with her friends?"

Ria just proved my point by saying, "but... She's not my friend. She's my... Sister?"

Maze shook her head, letting out a bark of a laugh, then reached forward. Ria winced, but didn't duck, and seemed a little surprised when Maze's arm went over her shoulder. "Yeah." She hugged her from the side. "You do realize we can be both, right?"

"Really? I... I haven't really had any friends before. I didn't know."

Maze laughed again, this time way less stifled. "I can tell. C'mon, you help me out with getting this Shape, and I'll try to give you some tips on talking to people without making them want to punch you."

"I... I would like that, but didn't Archmage Aetos-Di... Saffron forbid you from Shaping again today?"

"I'm not gonna Shape. Just gonna move my hands around, you can show me if I'm doing something less right than it could be. Maybe give me some tips on moving my Mana around. Baby steps. Just like you and talking to people."

Ria blinked, then her mouth dropped open, obviously aghast. "Am I really that bad at it? Talking to people?"

Maze looked almost pissed for a second, then stopped and laughed out loud. "Okay, okay, I'm gonna say 'yes', because you obviously don't realize how you just totally told me how bad you think I am at Mana Shaping."

I kinda ghosted back away as the two girls sat and chatted, because they were definitely of an age where they didn't need constant oversight. Fuck, it might even hamper their development or some shit. Sure as fuck Ria had 'observed' her Mother talking plenty and that hadn't helped. So I put my trust in my little Pony Girl and drifted back to stand next to Loki.

"Well done, Daughter."

"Thanks, Dad. You okay, Daya?" She nodded solemnly, saying nothing.

"Little Diamond is fine, she's just aware that not all silences need be filled. Something I've oft forgotten myself, truth be told."

I opened my mouth, then realized what he'd just said. After a quick snort of laughter at myself, I leaned back against him and just watched as the rest of the family did their thing. Time flowed oddly in Loki's cave, but that really seemed to matter less than it usually did as our kids played with their moms, their grandparents, and each other. By the time I felt the sun nearing the horizon, they were all more than a little droopy, although Alex had gotten a little of her brash confidence back after her session with Saffron. Not all of it, which might have been for the best. Before we started gathering up for good byes, I realized something and waved Ria over.

She approached cautiously, her hands moving weirdly. I didn't realize until just before she reached us that she'd been trying and failing to keep herself from reaching for the stick she wasn't carrying today. "Tabitha."

"You can call me 'mama' or something like that if you want, you know."

"I know." She stood there, very carefully not staring at Loki or Sigyn, who was maybe an arm length away from her to the side. Okay, a Sigyn arm length. Maybe a Ria body length. Sigyn's a bit on the tall side. Then again, if she wasn't, she'd be risking serious internal injuries engaging in adult activities with my Jotnar Daddy, so I can't say it's a bad or unexpected thing.

"I just realized I've never really introduced you to my Dad."

"I know who he is." Then with a sideways nod. "And who she is."

"Oh really?"

She nodded, her eyes as solemn as ever. "He is my Greatmother's Mentor's Father. Loki, the Backbiter. Son of Laufey and Ymir, Elder God of Trickery, Fire, Hearth, and Home."

At that point I got an armload of David as Sigyn swept in from the side and scooped a very surprised Ria up. "And who am I then?"

"You are Sigyn, Goddess of Victory and Marital Devotion, wife to Loki."

Sigyn shot Loki a very amused look and said, "I suppose, what with my Domain of Marital Devotion, my husband might matter as part of my identity."

Loki reached out and lay one palm on Sigyn's cheek. "Not nearly as much as you matter to my heart, my love."

Sigyn's eyes closed briefly, then snapped open again. "You, my husband, are an incorrigible charmer. But you are charming, so you get a pass." Then she turned back to the wide-eyed girl in her arms. "Do you know who else we are?" Ria shook her head. "Your Grandmother and Grandfather."

Ria's head tilted. "Foster?"

Sigyn lowered her head down until she could whisper to Ria, "do you think that matters one whit to either of us? Or to Tabitha? Or to any of the rest of your family?"

Slowly, tentatively, like she thought any errant movement might wind up with a bigger explosion than Alex's Shaping screw up, Ria first shook her head, then leaned into Sigyn, putting her arms around her. Okay, stretching her arms across Sigyn's front. Ria couldn't really put her arms 'around' Sigyn any more than I could Loki. As noted, big woman. When Ria's face pressed against her, Sigyn hopped into Loki's lap opposite Daya.

I laughed and perched myself on Loki's knee, making sure to leave Daya most of his thigh. "There you go, Dad. Proof positive you have the best Grandpa feature ever."

Loki narrowed one eye as he looked down at me, one hand around Sigyn, the other providing a backrest for Daya. "And what is that?"

"The biggest and bestest of laps, of course!"

He chuckled, and we sat there for the next little bit while everybody else wrapped up. We didn't have to peel Ria away from Sigyn and Loki, but it seemed like a bit of a near thing. After giving each of them a hug, she practically leapt from Sigyn's arms to mine, only to glomp onto me almost as hard as she had Sigyn.

Managed to peel her off for bath time with minimal fuss. Noticed that she got her own bread at dinner, and also noticed that she shared a little of it with Maze. Not sure how I felt about that, but marked it down as something to ask Saffron about when we had time. Which we did not before bed, because after a full day everybody was ready to snuggle in and get warm and cozy and sleep.

Dreamt of my ladies slow dancing across the maw, soup and sauce and syrup and schnapps all dripping down. Should have tasted maybe a little awful. Tasted absolutely Divine.

I kinda slacked off today. Like, a couple of our women had picked up the Mineral Bond shape. Okay, they might have known it already, or whatever, but they didn't need me to do the last bits of railing. Speaking of, kinda getting an itch for that, and we've now got the world's most awesome balcony to get bent over at the top of our tower. I know, because that's where I spent the day, just sitting and enjoying the view.

Okay, enjoying the views, because I absolutely spent most of the day looking through the eyes of my ladies, one after the other. Siobhan Healing and managing her Infirmary. Marie watching the kids, straightening up our rooms, managing the staff both at the Academy and Lancaster House, not to mention standing guard over Saffron both at our Academy office and the Grand Council Chambers. Well, not 'standing' in the Academy suite, but definitely far more alert than her apparent focus on her sewing showed. I even looked in on Karen, both where she stood over Tallulah's shoulder and as she oversaw the furniture and decoration placement in the temple. Hell, at one point she even hopped around a couple other Alliance Cities, I think; I recognized Calverton from its 'recently rubble' theme. Weirdest thing, one I really was not sure how to feel about, was that the buildings she visited, where the staff treated her as a Visiting Dignitary from the Home Office? I couldn't tell if they were supposed to be brothels, orphanages, or some really sus combination of both.

And, of course, because yes at least half of my day was spent in her head, Saffron. Saffron guiding the Grand Council with a word here, a look there, an answer to a question that redirected everyone else. I think she'd brought her chair up from Rich Man's Port. No idea why, it did not look comfy at all. Saffron meeting with the Plumbers Guild, going over the plans for the buildings at the Homestead, arranging for the delivery of pipes and Plumbers. Saffron looking at coding windows and images of me with my Soul spread out to show the tiny ribbon threaded through me, the Blessing that kept me from remembering everything that might tell me why I felt the way I did about her. Not that any of that mattered. Not really. Yeah, I wanted to know. Yeah, it hurt not to remember. But it didn't take away from that feeling of warmth, of belonging in her arms, in her head, in her heart, in Saffron.

Always Saffron.