Dear Diary,

Nothing quite like getting to bed when you're really beat. I guess its the same as food tasting best when you're hungry, or the way water tastes so good when you're parched. I guess I never thought about it before, because 'going to bed' is so anathemic to little... holy shit I'm adulting again. Like, I'm actually actively enjoying laying down and going to sleep. Shit, not just enjoying it, but waxing rhapsodic and shit like that. Next I'll have a favorite pillow and... Fuck. Mittens. Mittens is absolutely my favorite pillow. Okay, Siobhan is my favorite body pillow, because she's always just the tiniest bit cool to the touch. Shit, now I'm wondering if I have them backwards, and how pissed either or both would be if I had them swap.

Shit, I'm debating pillow qualities for something other than sex position padding. I'm doomed. I've let Geoffrey down. I'm no longer a kid. I grew up. Fuck.

Next I'm gonna be talking about fiber and the state of my... Wait, no, I don't actually do that. Holy fuck on a stick, I never thought I'd be happy about lack of discernable waste output for that reason. Then again, I already talk about that now and then, and 'none, so nothing' is still a report on the state and nature of my bowel movements. Next I'm gonna need support braces and dentures and shit. I'm gonna be geriatric before you know it.

Yes, I'm well aware that as a bona fide Goddess, I am in fact immortal and immune to aging, but I've only been one of those for around a year, and I only really understood what it meant after I'd been here a while. Meanwhile I had over a dozen years of being old enough to understand death and watch it happen to people around me more or less at random, followed by my mom dying slow and hard right in front of my eyes. Also, it's not like there haven't been plenty of deaths in my general proximity since I got here to reinforce those old mortal ways of thinking.

Hell, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe part and parcel of where the Gods here went wrong was calling their supposed Immortality a reason they were fundamentally different to and better than all the mortals. Really hope that if I ever get to the point where I think of my self as a Goddess when I'm not thinking about it that I don't wind up thinking anyone who isn't a Deity is somehow less worthy of consideration, of basic Human and Human Adjacent rights. Y'know, I think maybe there's a better way of phrasing that, because Kraken are clearly sapient, but nowhere near Human, but they still deserve some kind of rights. Sapient Rights? Yeah, that sounds right. No pun intended, but clearly and gladly owned up to.

So yeah, by the time I had one of the Cadets gather up the basketballs and deliver them to the equipment sheds, I'd kinda worked myself hard for over a week. I mean, I'd worked harder before, but never quite for so long without any meaningful rest. Led them through a brief cool down run, because if I'd stood in the middle of the Yard I've had passed out on my feet, then dismissed them to dinner.

Didn't stay for it myself. I Translocated myself to the Bath, banished my clothes, and just toppled forward toward the Bath. Remembered at about a forty five degree angle, Translocated myself into one of the shower stalls and caught myself before I flattened my face. Co-Located to scrub myself down, forgot which one was doing the scrubbing, wound up scrubbing both of me, then collapsing into me to rinse myself under the shower. Duty done, I stumbled back toward the Bath. Halfway there my ladies appeared under my arms, supporting me, and a moment after that Marie scooped me up and stepped into the Bath carrying me. The hot water felt so good I straight up passed out near immediately.

Dreamt of my ladies treating the Maw like some kind of gargantuan stew pot slash hot tub. Too tired to even weird myself out thinking how good they all taste.

Woke up in bed in the morning almost, but not quite, not exhausted. Whispered to Marie, "is it class time already?"

"Breakfast."

"Shit."

"No."

I snickered. "Fuck."

"Later."

At that point I gently Translocated us both to the Bedroom and said, "are you attempting to get me to be a mature, responsible adult?"

She insta-dressed us both, then Translocated us to the Dining Hall. "Maybe." One of her whispered in my ear as she set me in my high table chair, while another lay a decadent breakfast of spicy eggs, jalapeno scrapple, breakfast sausages, fresh black bread, and at the center of it all a single perfect waffle.

I held her there, leaning against me from behind as I tore up my waffle. "Couldn't have kept the one of you delivering me au naturel?" Then I smiled, turned to kiss her on the cheek, and let her go. "Thanks, Mittens."

"Later." With that both of her disappeared.

From down the table, Headmaster Miles said, "I don't think I ever asked if you're responsible for our Head Maid's, ah, multiplicity."

"Guilty as charged."

That got a laugh out of him. "Somehow I'm not surprised you'd phrase it that way. While occasions of suddenly Marie have increased, most of us had already had at least one before that. But startlingly stealthy is one thing, able to step directly behind me when called for is something else entirely."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"No need to apologize. She's probably saved more lives, made the Academy a better place in so many other ways as well."

After that we went back to eating. I Co-Located up and waited for my class to arrive. When they did, I think they all got the idea that I was not in the mood for fun and games and chatter. Probably something about the whole hunched over Parade Rest, because sure as shit I couldn't keep that shit parade ground crisp.

"Good Morning Cadets! Marshall duBois has not yet returned from Saint Boltophsburg. While I'm sure you all miss him as much as I do, I can tell you that as of yet I haven't been called in to deal with rude Boltophsburgers, so I can only assume the diplomacy is going well." The Cadets' expressions ran the gamut from vague disappointment to relief. Then again, the disappointed ones might just have wanted him back. No reason to think they were all as belligerent as Citron. Who, oddly enough, surprised me by being one of the relieved ones. "Okay, then. Five mile warmup run, then stretching by pairs, and then a rousing day of Squadball!"

While nobody injured themselves running in circles or stretching, for which I remained endlessly grateful, they then continued to surprise me by remaining fundamentally uninjured until maybe an hour before lunch time. Like, not just 'nobody sent to the Infirmary', but 'nobody even needing an Assess Health'. Of course, it wasn't for lack of trying. If anything, I think it was Citron being on the opposite quad from Vickerson and Hildegarde. Not that those two didn't have some epic head to head contesting going on, but I think somehow the previous day's rule about Infirmary Visits being Undesirable may have carried over.

Of course, I'd been rotating the teams every half hour or so, and an hour before lunch Hildegarde rotated onto the half of the Yard with Citron. Now, where she and Vickerson had been getting physical, doing their dead level best to hit one another with Squadballs from point blank range, preferably without letting them go, I got the sense that they kept the basic goal of 'full contact armed ball-tag' in mind. When she moved over to the court with Citron, that changed. Hildegarde went after him like he owed her money. This wasn't 'target of opportunity', or even 'taking out the other side's captain or MVP'. This just looked personal. The fact that she took out three other players without ever letting go of the ball was just secondary.

I think that's part of why Citron didn't realize he was her target. While she bounced through another team, then into his, he fired off a shot that bounced off an opponent's forehead so hard he caught it out of the air on the rebound. Good thing, too, because that armed him a split second before Hildegarde arrived. Since my declaration that only hitting somebody with the ball was legal, some of the Cadets, and Hildegard, Vickerson, and Citron all three qualified, had started developing some kind of Squadball based martial arts or some shit. Grabs, shoves, blocks, nothing that could injure except strikes with the ball, and the blocks very carefully did not touch the ball. Kinda impressive, really, and gave me an idea for an alteration next week, but at the moment I left the two maniacs to their mid-game spar and stepped over to the downed Cadet.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

His team's Healer had already reached him. "Good job, but I think he needs the real thing." I grabbed him and popped up a small Filtration Ward, because I didn't need to get brained while trying to make sure this kid... Cadet Bouras, with a blue and white nametag. Dark hair, skin tanned from plenty of time spent outside. I wove one hand through the motion for Assess Health.

Assessment For: Peter 'Pete' Bouras Target Type: Hybrid Humanoid Biped ('Bag' / Human) General Health: Injured Conditions: Unconscious, Contusions, Minor Fracture. Recommended Treatment: Stabilize, Heal Injury, EIGHT Hour Observation Granular Assessment Data: Activate: ( Y / N )

Obedient to my ladies' indirect commands, I tagged him first with a Stabilize, then holding him down so he didn't get brained again before he had a chance to orient himself, I hit him with a Heal Injury. Then, while he blinked his way back to coherence, I mentally focused on the words 'EIGHT Hour Observation'. A new window popped up immediately.

Treatment: Observation Description: This injury often has extremely subtle side effects which do not show up on simple divinations. Therefore the patient should be closely observed for at least EIGHT hours, paying special attention to DIZZINESS. PUPIL DILATION. HEADACHE. NAUSEA. DISORIENTATION. SLURRED SPEECH. LIGHT SENSITIVITY.

I had no fucking clue how it worked in a technical sense, and for all I knew it wasn't any better than, like, WebMD, but it was still pretty fuckin' impressive to me. Check that, it didn't diagnose him with cancer; definitely better than WebMD.

I put one hand on Cadet Bouras' shoulder and said, "chill, Cadet; you get to spend some time with Doc..." A massive double crackling crunch interrupted me. I spun on my knees to see Hildegarde and Citron, each with one hand grabbing the other's jacket, the other attempting to juxtapose a Squadball with their opponent's skull, both slowly slumping to the ground while the rest of the Cadets stared. I rolled my eyes and Co-Located one of me to stand next to them, throwing up another Filtration Ward while I Translocated Bouras' down to the Men's Infirmary.

One of me called out, "Hey, Doc. Got an eight hour observation for you," as I helped Cadet Bouras into a cot. The other looked down at the two who kept growling at each other even as they collapsed.

I sighed and tossed an Assess Health at Hildegarde.

Assessment For: Hildegarde Target Type: Hybrid Humanoid Biped (Human / Vanir) General Health: Injured Conditions: Unconscious, Contusions, Minor Fracture. Recommended Treatment: Stabilize, Heal Injury, EIGHT Hour Observation Granular Assessment Data: Activate: ( Y / N )

Much like I'd done for Bouras, I tagged her with a Stabilize, then a Heal Injury, then I Co-Located next to Citron and carried her down to Siobhan's Infirmary.

"Hey, sweetie. Got an eight hour observation patient here. Potential concussion, maybe?"

Concussion?

Uh, she got hit in the head?

And needs observation? A potential brain bruise then?

Yep. Gotta go teach now. Love you.

I love you too, my Hero.

While I did that, I shaped an Assess Health on Citron.

Assessment For: Cadet Cathal 'Carl' Citron Target Type: Hybrid Humanoid Biped (Dan / Human) General Health: Injured Conditions: Unconscious, Contusions, Major Fractures, Minor Fractures. Recommended Treatment: Stabilize, Regrow Bone, Heal Injury Granular Assessment Data: Activate: ( Y / N )

That one got me. While I Shaped Stabilize and stopped myself from Shaping Heal Injury, because I realized the order might be important, I mentally poked 'Regrow Bone'.

Treatment: Regrow Bone Description: This Shape is used to fix damaged bone in cases where the bone has completely lost integrity or the fine details of the shape of the bone itself are integral to its function. Regrow Bone is required for a broken TOOTH, TOOTH, and TOOTH.

Well, shit. Guess the worst that would have happened was fucking up his smile, but I figured he didn't deserve that just for being generally unlikeable. For all I knew his dad was just as big a dick as Lenny. So I Co-Located one of me back to the center of the Yard to observe, then hoisted him up and stepped him down to a cot in Doc DeLeon's Infirmary.

"Hey, Doc. Got you some dental work to do here."

Doc DeLeon, who'd been waving his hand in front of Bouras' face, looked over to me and sighed. "Is there a reason you didn't have the Cadet who injured Bouras bring him down?"

I nodded toward Citron, who was clutching at his bloody mouth and moaning. "That would be this one, who was out himself until a second ago."

"How..."

"Hildegarde did for him."

DeLeon shook his head. "And she didn't bring him down because?"

"She's with Siobhan now."

Doc just shook his head, sighed, and waved me back to class. I collapsed all of me back to myself and went back to my oversight thing.

Those weren't the last injuries of the day, but they were definitely the most interesting.

Not the most interesting thing of the day, though. That would be at lunch, because I didn't get any. Murder Mittens decided Lunch was later enough.