Dear Diary,

"Dear Grid Coordinates"

- Artillery Fire

Y'know, at some point when I get some downtime I need to go through and make a list of all the shit I've promised folks I'd do and, y'know, do that shit. There's plenty of things that I remember just off the top of my head, everything from freeing the Boss and his family to dealing with Artemis in some kind of more permanent fashion. But there's just a shit ton of little stuff I've said I'd do, and totally mean to do, but when shit hits the fan, it just kinda slides by the wayside.

So got home last night incapable of motion, because the Boss' massages, while fantastic for long term healing, leave me sort of more useless than a lesbian sheep immediately after. I mean, shit, I literally could not move my mouth. Unless Saffron wanted to play with me like a Real Doll, no nookie happening last night. I mean, screw it, not like I'm walking around constantly unfulfilled, so I'm not gonna go off on everything like I did in Norfolk, but I'd actually put the mental effort in to have nefarious nookie plans. Which, since my reaction to the Boss' massages has reliably been utter inability to do shit about shit, just proves that my planning skills need some serious work.

So after getting snuggled in the middle of a Saffron, Isnomi, triple Marie cuddle puddle, I drifted off to sleep, utterly at peace with the nigh continuous stream of shrimp and sous chefs yeeting themselves into my maw. The Bay looked like a pulsating disco dance floor, so I got my fat ass out there and threw it back a little, just for old times' sake, but the lack of an actual ass to throw back despite, y'know, having an ass so big it has it's own gravitational pull made that a less than successful attempt. The light show got a little wild, though, so I guess it wasn't a total loss?

Woke up in the morning to all three of them staring at me. Not freaky at all. Okay, totally adorable, but still kinda freaky. Saffron is the least predatory of the three of them, and she's fully living up to the fucking Imperator role I put her in. Also, while Marie's the Champion of the Murderfuck Cult, Saffron might actually have her on thirst. No, I am not using that as a put down. Ford Prefect had it wrong, I will absolutely be her glass of water and get drunk at any time she's in need of some hydration. So the moment my eyes slid open, the three of them all grinned down at me.

"Are you in pain, Goof?"

More than a little hesitance colored my voice. "No?"

She nodded. "Please say something if that changes."

Then all three of them descended on me, tickling me. Well, okay, Isnomi blew raspberries on my belly, not unlike I was wont to do to her, while Saffron tickled my sides and Marie took my feet and the backs of my knees. My eyes crossed a little as she managed to hit the ticklish spots on the insides of my thighs without hitting any of the horny making spots, which was hella weird. I guess knowing exactly where to touch meant she knew where not to touch if her goal wasn't lighting a fire in my loins. Of course, the three of them eventually lit some fires in my belly, because continuously crunching my abs as I laughed eventually started cramping them up.

"Guys!" I wheezed. "Guys! Can't breathe!"

"So?" Marie's deadpan question got the other two laughing. Hell, even I laughed at that one. I'd spent hours underwater every day for the past couple weeks, it's not like them keeping me from breathing put me in any kind of danger.

Of course, after a while longer those ab cramps spread a bit to the muscles in my lower back, at which point I slapped the bed lightly. Marie and Saffron both froze, and when Menace didn't, Marie five-point-harnessed her up into the air, where she yowled crankily and nipped at Marie's fingers. That got her turned around so Marie could look her square in the eye. "No."

Menace may be the Primordial Terror of Predators, but she is not, in fact, as stupid as the inhabitants of the house of Zeus. She froze, opened her mouth, and after patting Marie's finger a couple times, kissed the spot she'd been nipping. "Sowwy Mawa."

"Scamp."

By that point I had enough air to talk again. "Sorry guys, my back started hurting. Don't want to screw up what Loki did yesterday."

I'd be most put out by that too.

"No, it's fine, love. It's why I told you to tell me. Isnomi wanted to surprise you, not hurt you."

I smiled up at the little one, reaching, and Marie deposited her in my waiting arms. "That was really sweet, Menace. You remember when I used to do that to you a lot?"

"Yeth!"

"So you wanted to do something nice for me and you did that?"

"Yeth!"

I grinned, and saw knowing smiles from Marie and Saffron. "So, you liked it when I did that?"

"Yeth!"

Without another word, I flopped her belly first on my mouth and blew raspberries until she squealed. I lifted her up until her giggles died down from bat slaying levels, then did it again. I kept rinsing and repeating as Saffron and Marie both got up and got dressed for the day. I got the extra special treat of watching Marie dress Saffron twice; one of her in Glowing Midnight, who immediately Translocated away, at a guess to do her Imperator thing, and another in her Academy uniform. That actually wasn't a terrible idea. Once Saffron had everything just so, I tossed a squealing Isnomi to Marie, then stood up, Co-Located, popped The Dress onto me, and stepped down to the tower of the Black Dragon. Weirdest thing; her boots cinched down tight the moment I had them on, which they'd done before but I just now noticed that they'd done so without me really intending that to happen, and her panties did the same. Definitely an eye-opener there, both having them on when I hadn't intended that and having them snug in like they'd been painted on. Not unpleasant, but definitely weird.

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Down on the deck, the Thralls and Volunteers had gotten lumber from somewhere, and built one trebuchet atop each of Black Dragon's turrets. At first I didn't think they were ready to fire yet, but apparently they'd just been waiting for me. A dude stationed right up next to where I'd arrived called down, "Her Majesty Queen Tabitha on deck!" I'm totally not sure if that was the right protocol, but if it's not I'm not gonna be the one to get them to stop calling me 'Queen Tabitha' until Olga's officially crowned and shit. When the guys down near the trebuchets heard that, a couple of them called out over the edge, which prompted a trio of the Jotnar fisher dudes to drop their fishing baskets, hop up, and scramble aboard. I realized why a few moments later, when they each set themselves and lifted the big old counterweights on the trebuchets, which let the guys manning them just lock the throwing arm in place rather than having to winch it there. I mean, they had a winch, sure, but that looked like a lot more work than just saying, 'hey, dude, lift this' and having it get lifted.

Admiral Swanson stepped out from the bridge and called out, "would you like to do the honors, Majesty?"

Asking me if I'd like to fire siege weapons seemed like one of those no-brainer questions, even to me. "Sure!" I stepped down to the top of turret number one, then took a look in the sling. It held big old boulder with a bunch of shit glued or maybe mineral bonded to it. "What's the payload?"

The dude holding the lanyard waiting for me to take it, who wore a Calverton uniform with a Cold Iron chain tee shirt, said, "the boulder's just a rock the Jotnar brought us. Just about the heaviest we can fling all the way to the docks from here. The stuff on the outside is low grade Cold Iron ore."

"What'll that do?"

He shrugged. "I think the Imperator said something about them shattering off on impact. I guess they'll mess with the miasma, maybe hurt the Undead more than regular shrapnel?"

"Cool." I looked around, seeing the other two trebuchets with dudes standing next to them ready to pull the lanyards. "You mind if I take the first shot?"

"Be my guest, Ma'am. Just stand back as much as you can?" With that he handed me the end of the lanyard, then scampered off and then inside the turret. I figured that looked like a good plan; if the trebuchet ate itself explosively for whatever reason, it might pulp someone standing outside, but it sure as shit wouldn't do jack shit to somebody inside something as armored as the Black Dragon's turrets.

"Everybody ready?" I called out. When the other turrets called back that they were, I hollered, "On three! One! Two! Three!" and yanked the lanyard. I dunno how well aimed it was, or how reliable it would be over the long haul, but the trebuchet worked beautifully, yeeting the fuck out of that Cold Iron Shrapnel Enhanced boulder. I stepped up to the top of the tower, watching the rock get smaller and smaller. It looked like a pebble against the dockside walls and buildings, and the impact was anything but impressive at this range. Just a puff of smoke or dust or some shit, then some writhing as itty bitty humanoid figures twitched. Some of them stood up and leapt in the water, some ran away, and one particularly bright boy attacked the fuckin' rock.

"Shall we continue, Majesty?" called Swanson.

I shrugged, then hollered back. "Yep. No rush, make sure everybody's safe, double check everything before each shot and shit, but keep it up as long as we've got rocks to throw."

"As you command, Majesty!"

I spent the rest of the day leaning against a railing, watching little puffs of smoke and imagining the roar of cannon.

Meanwhile the me back at home got my uniform on with plenty of help from Saffron. Plenty of grab ass, too, which I thoroughly approved of. Even if nothing could come of it with Menace watching, it's hella nice to feel wanted. Didn't even split us down to the Love Shack; just enjoyed the closeness and the titillation. Marie brought the four of us breakfast, and if I didn't get to power eat, I did get a whole tray of hot out of the pan spicy eggs heaped over a core of scrapple. Menace got herself a tray of sausages, and if Saffron stuck with a 'balanced breakfast' of corncake, tortilla, and bread, she had her own little quart sized tubs of butter, honey, and syrup to drench everything in. I started out taking my time, but like halfway through, just about as I found the scrapple, I forgot I was trying to savor and just scarfed everything down.

That meant I got to feed my Kitten syrup soup for the second half of breakfast, so it's all good.

Marie had fish. Like, not cooked. Not sushi. Just... fish. Cleaned up and all, no scales or guts or heads or fins or anything, but not even sashimi. "You like raw fish?"

She took a big bite, and I heard all the little bones snapping, not to mention the spine. She nodded, smiling as she sort of mooshed it around in her mouth in lieu of chewing. Lack of molars, maybe? "Crunchy."

"Can I try?" I reached out a hand.

She snatched her plate away, mock scowling for a moment before smiling mischievously. "Open." I smiled, then opened my mouth, tipped my head back, and closed my eyes. I smelled more than felt the fish slip into my mouth. "Bite."

I chomped down as hard as I could, and if the spine hurt my incisors a little, the flavor wasn't half bad. Very fishy, but, y'know, duh. She was right though, really crunchy. I'm not sure what part of my digestion took care of the bones, but I didn't even notice them when, after crunching the bite until it didn't so much crunch as moosh, I swallowed. I'm about as far from blonde as I can be, but apparently my new body came with a lack of gag reflex, too. Handy.

Out on the Practice Yard Marie helped me set up a bar to do inverted crunches on. I know it sounds weird, but lying on my back hurt like fuck, but the crunches themselves didn't. Did those plus some upper body strength training, Saffron and I taking turns spotting one another, Marie spotting for Menace when she decided to try. The fact that she could, in fact, lift the smallest barbell was still pretty fuckin' impressive for a one year old. One and a half? One and a quarter? Something like that.

We cut out early when my hips started acting up, and Marie took me back to bed to do some normal non magical Marie massage on my general butt region. Saffron took Isnomi down to visit Grandma in the Infirmary. Not sure whether I really liked the idea of Saffron chatting up Sister Siobhan without me there. Not that I'm worried about the two of them engaging in debauchery or some shit. If they do, they do, and I think I'd be more disappointed by not getting to deflower Sister Siobhan than Saffron getting it on with somebody else. I mean, shit, she and Marie sure as shit get up to sex without me on the regular, I'm sure, and neither one has ever left me wanting because of a lack of desire. Deliberately edging me to enrage me, sure, but that's just part of the fun, right?

No, what scared me a little was the two of them somehow conspiring to, I dunno, prep Sister Siobhan to resist my dubious charms. Or maybe to give in to the most dubious ones, even though they suck? I'm not sure which I'd be annoyed by more, getting beaver dammed by the woman who's been encouraging my hypothetical extracurricular activities, or getting, like, pity sex after lame game.

Eh. Fuck it. That shit was too complex for me today. Bed soft. Marie strong. Buttocks pleasantly mauled. Life is good.