Dear Diary,

"I think the healthy way to live is to make friends with the beast inside oneself, and that means not the beast but the shadow. The dark side of one's nature. Have fun with it and you know, is to accept everything about ourselves."

- Anthony Hopkins

Okay, yeah, look, Mister Hopkins, I loved you in Silence of the Lambs. Probably modeled myself way too much on your portrayal of Hannibal back during my pizza cutter phase. But I gotta say that the beast inside myself, my shadow, my dark side, is not healthy in any way, shape or form. I really don't think I should be having fun with her. Crazy bitch would eat half the world before I could stop her, and don't even get me started on, y'know, tentacles.

Then again, maybe I'm not really hearing your point. Maybe part of why I have so much trouble controlling the melanistic orange tabby of unusual size is that I don't accept her. I try to block her out, try to pen her in. Try to say she's not really me.

Because the times when we're in synch? Shit gets done. Primordials and Goddesses alike get themselves taught lessons, or turned to squishy ash and eaten. Undead burn.

Kids live.

Shit. I definitely have to maybe get my act together, just for that last one. Also, while I totally understand your portrayal, I've met the asshole in question, and you gave Odin way too much credit.

So yesterday while my beautiful little Kitten taunted me by shouting, "DING!" with decreasing yet still disheartening regularity through the day, I stood watch, refereed the kids, and let Maze read to me. Saffron told me in no uncertain terms that our Love Shack Sapphic Shenanigans were as active as I was allowed to be for the rest of the week, what with dying four times the day before, and the only thing preventing that from being five was the intervention of Marie and me collapsing back into myself. Only one red flag, and Olga not only took care of that one, she did so in less time than it took her to jog over to the spot. Personally, I think I may have rewarded throwing red flags maybe a little too much, but fuck it. Oh, no, my people have tried to game the system designed to keep them safe in order to try and have wild sex with me. I'm sure I had a fuck around here to give about that. Wait, no, sorry, gave that one to Sergeant First Class Vickerson Tuesday night.

Huh. Finally acclimated enough to think of the night before Tuesday as Tuesday night. Still not calling it Tyrsday though. Fucker insulted my son.

When we went to put her book away, Maze looked up and said, "are you mad?"

I shook my head. "No! Why did you think so?"

"You're very quiet today. My... my papa told me when he was quiet, it was because he was mad, but didn't want to be mad at me, so he stayed quiet."

I smiled down at her and booped her nose. "Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, but I'm not that good of a mama or a papa, I guess. I get a loud kind of angry when I get angry. Not that I'd ever get angry with you."

"Why not?"

I shrugged. "You're a kid. If you fuck up, it's either because you didn't know any better, or because somebody taught you wrong when they did. You're definitely not old enough or experienced enough to start picking apart everything you've been taught and deciding whether it's something you want to keep as part of the core of you, something that works for what it does but you'll replace if you find better, or complete bullshit that you'd rather do without than keep."

She frowned up at me. "I'm not stupid."

I shook my head, a little mad now, but entirely at myself. I tried unsuccessfully to smother my frown, then squatted down next to her to look her in the eye. "I never said you were. Never thought you were. Stubborn as fuck, but that pretty much describes me as well, so I can't throw stones and shit. But smart doesn't mean adult."

She cocked her head, thought a second, and said, "Does that mean adult doesn't mean smart?"

I pulled her in for a hug, laughing. "See, I said you were smart."

"Then why does everybody say I have to listen to the adults?"

I thought about that for a second. Mostly because I had to squash that sudden spike of panic at the thought that, 'holy fuck, I am the adult'. Again, since I pretty much low key panicked every time some situation reminded me.

You, Tabitha Diaz, are growing into an adult I am proud to call my Daughter.

Thanks, Boss. You're the best. Even if you have started with the Dad Jokes.

I know.

"Okay, so you know how sometimes the little kids will do something that just seems dumb?" She nodded, brows beetling. "Okay, how do you know it's dumb?"

"It just is."

I booped her nose. "That's a cop out, Maze. You're smarter than that. How do you know something is dumb?"

To her credit, she thought about it, frowning the whole time. "I... think about things?"

I realized just then that I had the perfect example. "Okay. Yeah, that's not a bad start, but think about this. If you got really, really mad at me, mad enough you wanted me dead again, would you try to drown me?"

She shook her head. "No!"

"Why not?"

"That would be dumb!"

I nodded. "Fair, but why?"

She rolled her eyes. "Because you can't drown."

"Okay, good. Now, since it's so dumb, why did you try it in the first place?"

She shrugged. "Because I didn't... oh!"

I looked over at Saffron. "We're screwed." When she looked over at me, I said, "we've got two kids that take after you in the smarts department."

This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

Saffron smiled, shutting down her coding windows as she stood and walked over to us. "Three." At my questioning look, she said, "I take it you've never spoken with Daya?"

I sighed. "I think she thinks I'm gonna eat her or something."

Saffron stepped us back to the Lancaster House Suite. When Maze skipped off ahead to dinner, Saffron pulled me over and, after collapsing the two of us in the Love Shack and kissing me to keep me from feeling some kind of way about missing another potential 'DING', put her mouth next to my ear. "You have a bit of a reputation among the Dan, and with Calverton. She may very well think you will eat her if she displeases you."

I slumped. "Fuck. Fucking fuck. I don't want to scare her."

"Well, then, maybe you should do something about the pain?" I frowned at her. "You don't even realize, do you?"

"Realize what?"

She took my hand and led me toward the door. "While you have yet to even raise your voice to the children, when you're in pain your face is an absolute thunderhead."

"Oh, shit. Fuck. Dammit. I try so fuckin' hard not to let it affect the kids..."

She stopped, took both of my hands in hers, and waited until I looked her in the eye. "And you do not. Not in any way you can control. You are patient and sweet and it is, as you would say, fucking adorable."

I smirked, "kinda wish it was more adorably fuckable."

She bounced my smirk back with interest. "Whenever did I imply that it is not. But for now, you are on, as I've heard you say, 'light duty' until you are no longer in pain."

I sighed. "I... I can't, Kitten."

Her back straightened, and the Imperator spoke. "You will relax and rest or tell me why, now, Champion."

I slumped, then dropped to my knees right there on the balcony. "I never stop hurting," I whispered.

"What?"

I stared at the floor, muttering. "The scars. Even after Dad does everything he can. Even in the midst of the euphoria from the Worship on my birthday. They never stop hurting."

She reached down and cupped my cheeks in her hands, pulling my face up to look at her. "Oh, my beloved Goof, my Goddess, why did you not tell me?"

I tried to smile up at her. My lips quirked, at least. "I... I did. I thought I did. Every time Maze tried to drown me. Every time I've channeled more Mana than I really should. Pretty much any time I hold enough that shit starts glowing. They hurt. I mean, most of the time it's an ache, not, like, a spikey knifey pain. But they hurt. Always."

She shook her head, a sad smile on her lips. "Goof, saying, 'this makes my scars feel better' is not the same as telling me, 'I am in constant pain'."

I twitched my shoulders. "It's not much most of the time."

She shook her head. "Not much is not the same as none. You are going on light duty until we figure this out."

I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and said, "I. Can't."

She sucked at her teeth. "And why are you disobeying your Imperator, my Attack Dog?"

I smiled up at her, though it drowned, fast, as the expression twisted one of my scars. "Who dies?" She shook her head, confused. "Who dies, so I can 'rest'? Marie? Vickerson? Swanson? Olga? Weyson? Okay, maybe Weyson, but..." I shook my head. "I've tried to cut back to just shit only I can do. But there is shit that Only I Can Do. If anybody else tries that shit, even Marie, they're gonna fuckin' die."

She frowned, almost pouting. "I hate to say this, but even if is the only one of her, she will rise again the following dawn."

"Will she?" I whispered. "If some Undead Mage Asshole drains the life from her because she springs a trap set for me, will she get up again?"

She grabbed my chin and pulled my face up to hers. "A what?"

"A trap. Set for me. I mean, I'm pretty fuckin' sure that's what happened."

She shook her head. "No. No, love, I don't think so."

"Oh, really? You don't think so? Then what the fuck else is your explanation?"

She glared at me for a moment. "Keep your voice down, or whether you will it or no you'll scare the children. May I see?"

I took a deep breath, shrugged, and muttered, "Go ahead." Now that I knew to, I dunno, look for something, I felt her ruffling through my memories.

She smiled fondly up at me. "You are such a Goof, even in this." Then she frowned again. "No. No, love, I think you're wrong. You were merely a target of opportunity."

"Really?"

"Really." A moment later we stood in the Practice Yard, stars dusted across the sky above us. "They sprung this ambush on Monday."

It took me a moment. She let me put the pieces together on my own. When they finally clicked, rage washed over me. My skin burned, and I reveled in it. I would find whatever remained of that fucking Mage and use his asshole as a sock puppet for the biggest, spikiest tentacle I had. I would stuff one of his eyes into his mouth and then force him to eat tanning slop and pig shit. I would spend all eternity torturing his Soul to the point where it fell to pieces, then put the pieces back together and do it again. I would fucking create more time just to torment him more.

"TABITHA!"

I blinked, looking around the room. The Library, actually, although dust filled the air. My beautiful High Priestess stood beside me, clung to me, staring into my eyes. "Saffron?"

"First of all, I'm afraid you cannot harm him further. From your memories, his Soul is gone, burned to ash by Mimic herself." She shrugged. "You might have eaten him. Well, eaten what remained of his dusted Soul. Sort of like saying you 'ate' ash, but still. Gone."

"He. Had. A. Master."

She nodded. "And in due time, when we find him, he is yours, my Goddess. But, should I tell you to stop..."

I frowned down at her. "Why would you deny me?"

She smiled up at me. "Because the Master might have his own Master. Because you might hurt yourself, and he is not worth that. Because you might scare the children."

My eyes slipped shut. "You would use our children against us?"

She shook her head. "No, love. But he might." She sighed. "Will you trust that my wrath runs as deep as yours?"

I shook my head, opening my eyes, lifting her lips to mine, her cheeks cupped in my hands. "No, my Kitten. It. Does. Not." I kissed her, savage hunger given form. "But you can control it. Make it work for you. Make mine work for us. He suffers."

"In every way I can conceive of, beloved Goddess." I stood there, inhaling Mana and the scent of my love, exhaling fury. Eventually she said, "Goddess?"

"Woof."

"Can we go home? The children are ready for bed."

I stepped us home, and my eyes sought out my little horse girl. "Maze? Any chance you could see your way clear to helping me with a bath tonight?"

"Yes!" She pranced toward the bathroom door.

Marie came over to us, and I pulled her lips down to mine. I desperately needed the feel, the sound, the smell and taste of her filling my senses. When I finally let her pull away, she asked, "who?"

"The so called 'Master' of Calverton."

"Why?"

I Co-Located to the plateau of Olympus and drove a goddamned Mana Blade into the fucking mantle. Then burned the words 'Ares' Asshole' into the nearest mountainside before I collapsed back into myself.

I looked up into her wondering eyes. "You."

You... Vlickies... This... For me?

I nodded, and moving like I was made of spun sugar she lifted me and carried me to the bath. She and Maze filled it up around me, the boiling water flashing to steam where it touched my skin until the entire room became a sauna. Marie stood there, panting a little, and I said, "Sorry."

She clutched at my face, kissing me. "No. Never. Not. For. This."

I pulled her down to me, and she knelt beside the tub as Maze finished filling it.

Right as Marie tossed her uniform aside and climbed in with Maze and I, Saffron shepherded the rest of the kids into the bathroom. Marie gave her a look, but Saffron just said, "you think any of our children can drown, now?" Marie glanced over at Liam, and Saffron smirked. "Or that I am insufficiently greedy to claim all of them as 'ours' in this?"

What about the office door? I thought.

"What office door?"

So we all slept in the bathroom. Fuck it, I've done weirder shit for worse reasons.

Mimic... Mimic loomed over Calverton, a living hurricane of epic proportions waiting to be unleashed. Her Kraken poured from the bay into the Patapsco River. Some Undead and Hole Spawn had been hiding there. There were no survivors.

In the morning, Marie and Saffron both told me on no uncertain terms that I was to do nothing but what they told me, when they told me, until I'd gotten back to at the very least a pre-Tuesday Night level of fucked up. So other than sitting on our Academy bed with Maze reading to me, I did dick all today. Saffron filled in on the mast and with the kids. She and Marie also forced me to play pillow princess in our new bed, pumping me so full of endorphins and concentrated Worship that I lost track of unimportant things like time, space, and causality.

Is it weird that I kinda liked Maze reading me Pratchett just as much?