Dear Diary,

"Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good."

- Henry Rollins

Yeah, I definitely feel that one. No idea who this guy is, but read this in one of those self-help books, and it totally resonated with me. I know it sounds a little mid, like 'oh, yeah, it's either one thing or something else', but I get how when you find something that you've been looking for, it's either what you wanted, and holy shit that rocks, or it's not, and fuck but that feels bad.

But y'know something? I think I'd rather feel bad for real than feel fake good. I mean, I'm a dumbass. Everybody knows it. So there's no way I can be sure I'm not just wrong and feeling fake good thinking I'm feeling really good, but fuck, if I dive down that rabbit hole I'm never getting out. So yeah, I guess fake good is better than fake bad, but if I can get it, real good is good.

Look, I've had a heck of a day.

I don't even remember most of yesterday. Saffron and Marie knocked me the fuck out. Like half a dozen times, I think. I know there was a whole 'pass out, wake up, pass out again' cycle there for a bit. Honestly I kinda feel bad at this point. Not, like, for playing pillow princess last night. Saffron straight up dictated that shit, I was just along for the ride. But because she's worked up actual Skills to amplify our nocturnal entertainment, and if Marie doesn't get that kind of thing as Racial Skill, she's had thousands of years of Revels to learn. Meanwhile I'm over here like, 'herp derp, press button make Saffron go squeak'.

I guess at some point when I'm allowed to get Skills I'll make it up to them. Shit, I think that means I gotta slow roll the Wedding of Maenad Marie until I can get fuckin' Skills. Oh, noes! More antici...

So I woke curled up in a warm pile of blankets on the bed in our Academy suite. Maze read The Shepherd's Crown quietly but not silently, her back a warm weight against my stomach. I smiled and shifted just enough to Co-Locate to the other room where Saffron sat coding. "Hey Kitten. How's it going?"

She waved me over, pulled me in for a quick distracted kiss on the cheek, and replied, "it goes well. I think I've gotten the Shaping for those 'tool tips' you mentioned finished."

"Cool, so all the Tool Tips are done?"

She shook her head. "Oh, no. I still need to populate them. But I've come up with a single Shape which I can slip into any other Divinatory Shape to enable that type of information."

I just stared in awe. "That sounds... kinda tough?"

She grinned at me. "Ever the Mistress of understatement, love."

I shrugged, feeling some kinda way a little bit. "Sorry. I'm trying. I just... I can follow along with Healing, mostly, and I can do stuff if I practice enough, but what you're doing? Way beyond me."

"Given our relative Skills and Reason, as well as how long I've struggled with this, it ought to be." She pulled me down again for another smooch. "It's fine, love. I enjoy this work, and you provide both inspiration and reward for my efforts." She tilted her head and shifted something on her coding window. "Not to mention empowering me to create these Spells as truly Global tools." I stood there silently for a moment until she looked over at me again. "What's wrong, love? You seem pensive."

"I dunno. I just feel like I'm the weakest link sometimes."

She stopped, turned to face me fully, and folded her arms. "Surely you must be joking."

I chuckled a little, but shook my head. "No, I mean it. Like, yeah, we're fighting a war, and I'm really good at wrecking shit. But... what happens when the war's over?"

She shrugged. "You come home and play with the children during the day and your wife, at some future point wives, at night."

I clutched at the air, like I could somehow grab the words from nothing. "Yeah, but... you guys are good at what you do. You've got Skills for it and everything."

She shook her head. "Love, I truly doubt we will run out of enemies before you are capable of gaining Skills. Also..."

"Yeah?"

"Marie is Dionysus' Champion. The most lethally devastating combatant among the Maenads, who routinely defeat five times their number of Spartans. Do you really think she started out knowing how to sew?"

I stood there, mouth slowly dropping open, until she smirked and pounced. A few minutes later, tonsils thoroughly licked, I set her back in her chair, a relieved smile on my face as big as the smug one on hers. "Thanks, Kitten."

"This, love, is part of nurturing according to my nature. Now, I do have some coding to do, and I think you had a prisoner to deal with? Oh, and if you could take over refereeing for the children?"

I leaned over to give her one more peck on the cheek, then stepped down to the Black Dragon and over to Lancaster House. Taking over for Saffron was just a matter of collapsing her back to her self in the Academy while I dropped my Blend, but for the prisoner interrogation I needed some equipment. At least I thought I did, at first. After a quick kiss for Marie, who stood scanning the City with my binoculars, I stepped down to Skasn. The former Death Knight lay on the deck, snoring lightly and whimpering slightly.

"Hey, Skasn. She wake up yet?"

He nodded. "Majesty. Briefly, long enough to eat a ration breakfast, then she passed out again."

I sighed. "I hate to do it, but we're going to have to treat her as an enemy until we find out more about her."

He nodded again. "Since the penalty for Necromancy and Undeath alike is usually destruction, that's incredibly generous."

"Yeah, well. I'm not sure most of them really intended to become Undead." He looked ready to argue until I frowned at him and said, "Sure as shit the babies didn't."

He shut his mouth, nodded, then said, "excellent point, Majesty."

Hey Kitten?

Yes, love?

D'you know where the brig is on the Black Dragon?

Would you like me to guide you?

Just a second. I leaned over and, as gentle as I would be with one of our sleeping kids, slipped my arms under her and lifted her into a princess carry. Okay, lead on.

She looked down at the woman in my arms. Oh, it's to be that sort of 'interrogation', is it? Before I could reply, she laughed in my head and started walking. Just playing, Goof. Although such an... intense celebration of Life would certainly eradicate any remaining tendency toward Undeath.

I laughed gently, so as not to disturb my sleeping cargo. I swear, sometimes it's like you want to rub my crotch all over everybody in the Alliance.

She laughed again. Love, with Lord Loki's help I've done a little research. To help with your treatment.

Okay. And?

She paused a moment, as if gathering her thoughts. Before she started talking again, we reached a small room with a pair of Thralls set to guard it. They stood, saluted, and murmured, "Majesty." I laid the Death Knight down on the thin mattress, made sure she had a pillow under her head, then stepped out and closed the door. One of the two Thralls handed me a key, and I locked the door.

"Make sure you've got food and water ready for when she wakes up. If she needs anything else, check with me, Marie, or Skasn, but if you can't find us and it's not a weapon? Go ahead and give it to her if you can."

"Yes, Majesty," they chorused.

I left her there, got myself back to the top of the mast, and leaned up against Marie. "Hey, Mittens?" She hummed and kept scanning. "Do you know anything about interrogations?" She tensed. "Shit. I'm sorry."

She lay one claw on my upper back and rubbed it back and forth. "De Nada."

I sighed. "Yeah. I gotta find out what she knows, and probably gotta decide what to do about her."

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She nodded and rubbed my shoulders more, almost like she was kneading me for her own comfort. Fuck it, if she was, if I was her little stress doll, that was fine with me. I pressed into it, letting her knead away. "I'm gonna be doing some research, let me know if I'm needed?"

She slipped her hand down to my waist, lifted me, and kissed me without ever moving the binoculars. When she finally let me up for air, she smiled and said, "Go."

I Co-Located to the Academy Library, and the me still held in her claw wrapped my arms around her torso and snuggled into her. "Remind me tomorrow night after the interrogation?"

"What?" she asked as she started kneading my back again.

"Guitar."

I spent the rest of the day first looking through the Library, then conferring with some Priests from the Big Seven. Every single book I read, every single person I spoke with, even Ray and Saffron Rae, pretty much had the same response. It boiled down to, 'Undead? Destroy!'

At the end of the day, when my beautiful, generous partners spirited me off to have their way with me, I sighed and said, "I hate to keep doing this, but I'm tryna focus on the interrogation tomorrow. I can't really appreciate much tonight. Sure as fuck not whatever you two have planned for my big 'reward'."

"Rewards. Plural. Don't forget that, love."

I chuckled. "Not like you're gonna let me."

She sighed melodramatically, looking at Marie with the back of her wrist against her forehead and a twinkle in her eye. "Yet again we must wait upon the whims of our Goddess."

Marie drew a laugh out of me with an absolutely silly, "Sad."

As my Maenad pinned me down, I said, "yeah, I need to be up early, too."

Saffron just nodded. "Ah. Drive you deep into unconsciousness as hard and fast as possible. As my Goddess wishes."

"That's not what I..." At that point Marie kinda eliminated my ability to speak. Or breathe. Not that I was gonna complain. Then Saffron took the opportunity to demonstrate that high teens Skill she'd gotten so smug about.

The last thing I heard before they slam dunked me into unconsciousness was her crowing out, "DING!"

Woke in the morning as the kids were stirring. Helped everybody through the bath, confirmed that Anna had yet to find a nursemaid for the Lancasters, but she'd yet to hit any serious problems with talking to the Maenads. After breakfast I split one of me off to play with the kids, another to read with Maze, one more to stand watch with Marie, and a another standing in the Academy office where Saffron sat working.

She looked up and asked, "did you need something, love?"

I scrunched up my nose. "Kinda sorta?"

After a few moments she said, "well, out with it."

I nodded, stepped over, picked her up, spun about, sat down in our chair, then sat her on my lap and slipped my arms around her waist, tilting her back until her pony tail poofed into my face. "Comfy?"

I heard the smile in her voice when she answered, "tolerable."

"Good. Carry on, Beloved Priestess Mine."

On the mast of the Black Dragon, I handed Marie the binoculars, then scampered up and wrapped my legs around her waist, my arms around her chest. "So, Murder Mittens. Did you enjoy using me as a woobie yesterday?"

"Woobie?"

"Comfort doll?"

A purr rumbled through her as she raised the binoculars with one hand and slid the other up my back. "Yes."

I lay my head against her chest and said, "you can be a little bit ungentle. Just don't mess up The Dress?" A moment later I decided not to regret my words as she slipped her claws all the way around my chest and dug in just a little more than she had been before. Okay, I realized a second later that I needed to Co-Locate right away, because that me would definitely wind up bringing back some new scratches before the end of the day. On the other hand it felt incredible on my sore muscles, so... win.

I walked down to the brig. A new pair of Thralls were on duty, and the woman I'd un-Undeaded sat on the simple bunk, a book in hand. When she saw me, she snapped it closed, and I saw a circle and arrow symbol on the cover. She stood and dropped into a parade rest as I grabbed the folding chair leaning against the wall, walked over, unlocked the door, closed and locked it behind me, then handed the keys out to the thralls. I set up the folding chair, sat, then nodded to the bench. "Sit."

She stared at the wall over my head. "I'd prefer to stand."

I rolled my eyes. "You injured?"

She shook her head. "No."

"Then I didn't ask. Sit." Her nostrils flared, but after glancing at me where I lounged in the folding chair, she snorted and sat. "Do you know why I put you in here?"

She shrugged. "I assumed you needed time to build a gallows."

I laughed. "Nah. I'm pretty fuckin' straightforward. If I were gonna kill you, I'd just kill you. Which, if you notice, I'm not doing."

"Why?"

I sighed. "Look, I've got a few questions for you. Do you mind if we get those out of the way before we start any back and forth bickering?"

"I cannot... I will not help you conquer Calverton."

I facepalmed. When I looked back at her, she looked at me, confused. "Yeah, look. Would it make you feel better if I told you General Hargreaves is one of the field commanders of the Alliance Liberation Expedition?"

"Alliance?"

I shook my head. "Shit. Okay. My questions first. Did you, like, intentionally become Undead?"

She barked out something like a laugh. "Like you'd believe me if I said 'no'."

I shrugged. "I'm a dumbass. I probably would. But just in case the answer was 'yes', would you do it again?"

She shuddered. "No."

I nodded. "Okay. Good. I can work with that. Do you remember anything about your Undead time?"

She sighed. "Some. Parts are... fuzzy. But I will not help you conquer Calverton."

I rolled my eyes so hard I wound up staring at the Thralls. "Do you believe her?" I shook my head and looked back at her. "Look, let's start over." I held out a hand. "I'm Tabitha Diaz. Champion of the Inter-City Alliance, High Priestess and Champion of Loki, and for now Queen of Norfolk. And you are?"

"For now?"

"Okay, sure, gimme an alias. Just something to call you."

She shook her head. "No, I meant why are you Queen 'for now'?"

"Oh! Yeah, well, I didn't want to be Queen, but Mayor McCann and General Hargreaves joined the Alliance at least in part to get our help to free Calverton from the Undead, but former King Shitdick, you might know him as Gregor of Norfolk decided to be a dick, so I had to kill him and take his shit in order to get your Soldiers through." I thought for a second while her jaw dropped open. "But as soon as Calverton is free I'm gonna crown Olga and wash my hands of that shit."

She shook her head. "Mayor McCann is alive?"

I nodded. "Yep. He's on the Grand Council now. One of..." I made a show of counting on my fingers. "Six Grand Councilors."

"Gregor is dead?" I nodded. "How?"

"I boiled what passed for his brain into steam. Amazingly, that killed him dead as fuck." She snorted, and I asked, "your name?"

She sighed. "Orla."

I waited, but she just stood there. "No family name?"

"My family... My family's gone. No point. It's just me now."

"I'm sorry."

She looked up at me, anger sparking. "Why? Did you do it? Or should I say did you mean it to strike at my family specifically?"

It only took me a second, and I sighed, leaning my elbows on my knees. "Fuck. They died to the Plague?" I took her fuming silence for affirmation. "Yeah, despite what that asshole Garland might have said, I didn't start that fuckin' Plague."

"Blasphemer! High Priest Garland was a great man! He abandoned wealth and power in Phileo to warn us about you!"

I raised one hand, and she flinched back. "Look, before you say it, I'm a slut, not a whore. Also, I'm pretty sure Garland abandoned a potential treason charge in Phileo to avoid us catching him feeding Oliver Orange information about our military. He also lost a Trial By Combat to my man Larry."

"Garland lost? I don't believe you!"

I sighed again. "Look, would you believe Hargreaves? He was there."

She shook her head. "Hargreaves is a good man, but he could have been deceived by you, Harlot of Loki!"

I leapt out of my seat and screamed, "SLUT! If you're gonna be all high and mighty, at least get it fuckin' right!" She cringed, and I sighed and slumped back into my chair. "Sorry, sorry. That just... that really pisses me off. Okay?" She stayed silent. "Look, gimme a sec."

Atop the mast, I nuzzled Marie then leaned back onto her suspiciously slick claw. "Mittens, could you be a sweetie and fetch Artemis please?"

She nodded. "Vlickies."

I split one of me off to Hargreaves' office. He looked up from his paperwork when I entered. "Majesty."

"Oh, jeez, not you too now. Can we stick with Tabitha?"

He tilted his head. "Commander. Best I can do."

I laughed. "I need you for a few minutes." I held out my hand, he took it, and I stepped us over to the Black Dragon. Artemis stood there, blindfolded. I took her by the hand, nodded for Hargreaves to follow, and led them both down to the brig.

When we got there I collapsed into myself and nodded to the two coming into the brig. "You recognize them?"

She looked up, then leapt to her feet. "General Hargreaves!" She saluted, then saw Artemis as the Goddess ducked to get into the room. Orla's eyes went wide, and she scooped up her little book and flipped to some pages near the back, then dropped to her knees. "Lady," she muttered, her face on the floor.

Artemis blanched, looked in my general direction, and whispered, "rise, woman. You ought not bow to me, of all people."

Orla stood, but didn't raise her eyes. "You are the sister of my Lord Ares. If not to you, to whom should I kneel?"

Credit where it's due, Artemis didn't flinch. "To the one who sits within your cell, the one who defeated me in single combat." When Orla's head snapped up, Artemis said, "twice."

I looked over at her. "Twice?"

The Goddess nodded. "The bath."

I snorted. "Oh, please. That wasn't a fight. You didn't even fuckin' have arms. That was just a lesson in manners."

"As you say it, Mistress."

Orla scuttled backwards until she'd pressed herself into the corner opposite where I sat. "What the hell are you?"

Before I could bring my temper to heel, Hargreaves cut in. "She is Our Champion, Orla."

Orla looked at him. "Our?"

He nodded. "Our. And Patron Demigoddess of the Alliance. Tabitha Diaz. I strongly recommend you apologize for whatever you said to upset the Demigoddess of Bloodlust."

"F-f-forgive me," she managed to croak out. "I... I... I..."

I shook my head, sighed, and pushed myself to my feet. I held out a hand and waited for her to take it. When she did, I pulled her in and embraced her, patting her back. "Water under the bridge. Just remember...?"

"Remember?"

"Slut, not whore, or harlot, or prostitute. I do it for free or I don't do it at all. And I really hate being called a thing. I'm just a dumb bitch who wound up in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time, and just happen to have a knack for wrecking the shit out of anything and everything." I took a deep breath, blew it out, and pushed her out to arm's length. "Okay. Artemis? Who spread the Plague to Calverton City?"

"My brother Apollo, who you have punished for his crimes. Also Garland, High Priest of Ares to Phileo."

When she went silent, Hargreaves cut in. "That arrogant bastard died to her," he nodded to me, "man Laurence Lancaster, who took him right through the eye slit. Cleanest lunge I've seen in a while."

Orla dropped to the bunk with a thump. "What have I done?"

I stepped over and lay a hand on her shoulder. "You got conned. Then I'm guessing you got sick and died?" At her nod, I continued. "Then you got mad about it, and when the Miasma got thick enough, you got back up to get back at the 'Whore of Phileo'?" She winced, but nodded. "Well, good news, Phileo doesn't have an official whore. So nobody to get mad about your interrupted vengeance. But right now, you could maybe save a lot of lives, especially those of Calverton's remaining Soldiers and Heroes, if you could answer some questions for the General?"

"Of course!" She nodded, looking at the General eagerly, as if somehow he was her only lifeline out of a nightmare.

Fuck it. Trapped in a room with me? I might have thought so too.