Dear Diary,

"Aeneas carried his aged father on his back from the ruins of Troy and so do we all, whether we like it or not, perhaps even if we have never known them."

- Angela Carter

Oh, wow. That one's kinda deep. I been doing all this reading and thinking about what it means to be a good dad since Maze dropped the papa bomb on me. That definitely segued pretty quick into thinking about how my own dad going missing affected me. Then along comes Angela here talking about a dad being some kind of weight, even if we never knew them. Like, mind blown.

I guess moms are the same way, really, although socially we see them differently. Which is kinda bullshit if you think about it. Everything people talk about being dad things I've seen moms doing back at Eastside. But no matter what, our parents are something we carry with us our whole lives. Whether they're armor and shields to defend ourselves with or millstones and hobbles to keep us from soaring depends entirely on them. Whether what we remember is support, care, and love, distraction, absence, and neglect, or anger, abuse, and trauma, it molds us, shapes us at a deep level that I'm not sure we can ever get away from. Or have taken away from us.

So yeah. I got kids now. I gotta make sure that when they go out into the world they go with the absolute certainty that no matter what I believe in them. Believe they can make the world a better place, that they're gonna take whatever legacy I've left and make a world where I'm forgotten. I know that sounds really weird, but that's just it; if everybody in the world is out there fighting to make it a better place, the woman out in front doesn't really matter. She's just the leading edge of a wave, of a landslide, of a horde of people who will, inevitably, not just make things better, but change the world so its easier to make things better than screw them up. If my kids do that, if when people try to stop them deep inside they know I've got their back, I'll count that as a win.

So yesterday after dreaming about my subconscious eating my wife blue rare, I woke up to Maze and Menace quietly bickering. No idea what about, because the moment I heard them, they both went quiet. With both of them awake already, I jostled everybody awake and started the morning ablutions. Got us all down to the dining room, then turned to Maze and asked, "so, Maze. May I have your permission to marry your mama Marie?"

She frowned, where the day before she'd smiled, and her head jerked like she didn't agree with the words coming out of her mouth. Finally she sighed and said, "no. Not yet, please."

I lay a hand on her shoulder and crouched down to look her in the eye. "You don't need to say please. Really, I ought to be the one saying it. I'm sorry I haven't always. But I'll try not to forget again." When she looked about ready to argue with me about that, I said, "I mean, I'm gonna forget. But I'll try." She shot me a wry grin and we sat down to do the breakfast thing.

I spent Sunday split between discussing what we'd discovered about the Undead with the Advanced Healing class, standing overwatch with Marie on the Black Dragon's mast, running around Lancaster House Mimicking Maze, and reading the last part of Wee Free Men with Maze. I did class and overwatch mostly on automatic; nothing requiring my attention happened in either spot.

When we slid the book back onto the shelf, Maze frowned. Then, with something that sounded suspiciously like a half sob, she turned and flung her arms around my neck. "What's this? The ending wasn't too sad for you, was it?" She shook her head, her face buried in my neck. I just held her, eventually hefting her up so I could stand instead of crouching. "Are you okay?" She shook her head again. "Well, whatever it is, you don't have to tell me, but I want to know. I want to help. You know that, right?" She nodded. I held a hand out to Saffron, and we stepped back to Lancaster House.

During dinner, which was back to roast chicken, Saffron spirited copies of us away to the Love Shack. She Grinned at me and asked, "ready for more Science?"

I scooped her into a kissing hug and, when we came up for air, said, "can I have Original Formula Saffron first?"

She tapped at her teeth a few moments before shaking her head. "I think not. I want you as hungry as possible, lest it interfere."

"Aww..."

She kissed my cheek and said, "if you're a very good girl, when we're done."

"Yay!"

She laughed and said, "you're so childish sometimes."

"Who, me, the one who just spent all day playing Tag and Hide and Seek?"

She shook her head. "I meant in your absolute simple joy in things, love. Even with the darkness and hunger I know lurk within you, there is joy as unending. Your have a beautiful Soul."

"I'm gonna take that with a grain of salt, since you apparently find Her Dark, Tentacley Fatassness beautiful too. Anyway, let the Science begin!"

She nodded, slid to stand beside the foot of the bed, maybe looming a bit, and suddenly boy Saffron stood there, only with notably womanly plumbing. "Okay, how about this?"

"Oh, I'm torn. Do not like." I held up a hand for patience. "Like, just objectively? Meh. More meh than girl you with boy junk. But if I don't look below the waist, you're really pretty hot, and the more I think about that, the worse I feel about it. I look down again, and the guilt almost goes away, but... meh again."

He nodded. "Interesting. How about this?" Raven stood before me, just as stark naked as Saffron had been. She was definitely what I'd call 'fit' or maybe 'tight', because I didn't want my nips nailed to the wall if she got offended by my calling her 'flat'. Like, not ironing board, but no more than an A cup.

"Eh. No real interest, but then that could be because I think you're gonna use looking like that as an excuse to give me piercings or some shit like that. No guilt at all, though. C'mere." I reached for her, but she batted my hand away playfully, although her grin looked more mischievous than normal, like she knew something I didn't.

"No, Goof. If you're hesitating at all, I know you're either not interested enough, or too guilty to act on it. With no guilt, that means no meaningful interest."

"Hey! I have some amount of self control! Also, y'know, you've got Skills and shit. Doesn't matter what the package looks like, I know it's gonna taste good if you made it."

She blushed a little at that, then Sister Siobhan stood there in front of me. Then she leaned over, put her hands on my knees, and breathed out, "how about like this?"

"Oh, fuck me sideways with a blessed bandsaw. Not fuckin' fair. Not fair at fucking all."

Her eyebrow rose, "apparently not, if this is how you'll react to her after she accepts your advances."

I took a deep breath. "Yeah. You are almost as hot as you as a guy. Maybe hotter? I dunno. Neurons activated. Holy fuck, I wanna use you. But yeah, definitely guilt and ew no bad wrong holding me back. Not as bad as you as a guy though, if that means anything?"

She pondered a moment, then said, "it might. Now, one more thing." She pointed at me and said, "boy, please?"

I shrugged and shapeshifted into the boy version of me that she'd gotten very mouthy with a couple weeks back. The change was noticeable and immediate. "Oh, wow. Yeah. Uh, I think I see what you mean about 'savage'. I really don't want to be like this around actual Sister Siobhan. I would fuckin' break her."

"You're not worried about breaking me?"

I laughed. "You, Kitten, are a bona fide Phileo City Hero, with all the perks and bennies that come from that, which includes not just all that training we do, but those extra stronger, faster, harder buffs as well. Also, you specifically told me to, so yeah, holy crap I might just do that right now." I gasped, because I'd said that all in one long run on breath.

She laughed in return. "I did, didn't I? Why are you holding back then?"

"Wrong. Bad. Guilt. Almost as bad as you as a guy. Which gets inexplicably worse when I think about just doing it anyway. But not as bad as you as a guy. I really don't like this, Kitten."

She nodded. "But you're doing it anyway, because you're trying to figure out how to work past whatever is tying you up in knots. Because you trust me enough to do anything I say, even if you're not sure about it. I'm so proud of you, Goof." That hit kinda different what with her looking and sounding like Sister Siobhan. Then she leaned in, prompting incredibly uncomfortable but undeniably interested responses from my southern half. Her mouth next to my ear, she breathed out, "good girl. Now, close your eyes." My eyes slammed shut, and Saffron, in her own voice, growled, "destroy me."

A while later, as the fam trooped up to get ready for bed, she wheezed out, "worth. So... worth."

I laughed, shifted back to myself, and said, "hey, I didn't have to Revive you even once."

She nodded, wheezing laughter as she said, "oh, I know. I was talking about having to replace the bed."

"Huh?"

She laughed again, smacked me, and collapsed us back to our nightly tot duties. Through the whole process I kept looking at her and mouthing the word 'really', to which she would giggle and nod. After the third repetition, Liam and Menace conferred and declared us both 'silly'. When we all started to troop into the bedroom, Maze touched my hand. I stopped, waiting until everyone left the room before slowly closing the door, then squatting down beside her. "Bath night tonight?"

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She nodded, then shook her head, then huffed out a sigh and walked over to the fireplace. When she had the little logs all set up in teepees, I said, "want some help lighting them?" At her nod, I did a slow rolled Fire Bolt through each of the little cones of wood, lighting them up without ashing them entirely. Then I sat down on the side of the tub while she leaned bigger logs against the burning piles. Time after time she paused, half turned to me, then turned back. "Maze?" She turned and looked at me as the flames licked at the wood. "You know you can talk to me, right? No judgement, unless that's what you tell me you need. I'm here for you, not the other way around."

She nodded, then grabbed at her little nightshirt. "I..." she cut herself off, argued with herself a little, then started again. "I don't want to..." She paused again, another quiet argument with herself. "I like this." Then she looked at me like she was waiting for me to say something.

"I like it too. Not just the super hot water that you somehow manage to make stay hot, either."

She frowned, and I hoped I hadn't fucked everything up by trying to cheer her up with a little humor. "No. I..." She sighed, then looked down at her feet. "I don't want to lose this. I've been saying 'maybe' to keep this. I don't want to lose it, but telling you 'maybe' just to get something... It's wrong."

I sighed, then held out my arms. She shook her head, and I dropped them. "Yeah. I know. It's why you can tell me no and you won't. Lose this. You need somebody to look out for you, to keep you from being lonely when you need to sleep in here. Somebody to maybe be a buffer between you and the rowdy kids. Somebody to hit the library for you and for you to read to. I really like doing all that, but even if I didn't, I'm here, you need somebody, and I'm the one who can. So I will, even if I stop liking it. Which I probably won't, honestly. I'm kinda a creature of habit. And one of the worst habits I have is talking when I should be listening, so I'm gonna shut up now."

She shot me a crooked smile, then took a deep breath and said, "Yes."

I opened my mouth, then shut it again, miming locking it and throwing away the key. She smirked, and I proceeded to mime a whole 'trying to talk with my mouth shut' thing. When she laughed, I settled, shrugged, and nodded to her.

She quieted, then took a deep breath and said, "I meant yes. You can marry Mama. Marie. You have my permission."

I slipped down to kneel before her, looking up at her. "Is that what you want? Are you sure?"

She nodded, then shook her head. "I don't know. I just know it doesn't matter. You love her. Using that to make you do things for me is wrong."

I threw my arms around her. "I'm so proud of you, Maze. So proud." I pulled back, hands on her shoulders. "Do you think the water's hot enough yet?"

"You still want to?"

I rolled my eyes. "Duh. I said so, didn't I?"

It turned out the water was not, in fact, hot enough yet. Even with judiciously applied Fire Bolt, it took us like fifteen minutes to get the water right.

When we finished our baths this morning, before we left the room following the rest of the crowd, Maze held us back, then grabbed Marie's hand and laid mine on it. "Yes."

Saffron chuckled and said, "you know we're a package deal, right?"

Maze laughed, grabbed Saffron's hand, then heaved an absolutely over the top sigh. "Fine." Then she slapped Saffron's hand on top of mine.

Something occurred to me just then, and I said, "hey Maze, you wanna see something neat?" She looked at me, and I slipped Saffron's hand under Marie's, then thought, because you will definitely be the meat in this sandwich, at my Murder Mittens while we held her murder mitten.

I knew I'd got it right when Marie's whole head and hands went pink, and Maze giggled. "Isnomi's right. You three are silly."

When we finished breakfast, I grabbed Marie for overwatch duty, then snagged Maze for our now routine Mimic and Co-Locate to the Academy Suite. A third me went to my standard Monday appointment.

When that me got to Loki's cave, he took one look and shook his head. "Daughter, can you not go a single week without one of you dying?"

I shrugged. "One of me dying hurts, but I'll get over it. One of my people dying, they might not. Especially against the fucking Undead."

"I still find it horrifying that you face them in person like that. They are dangerous, even, no, especially to us." He shuddered.

"Yeah, apparently I get an extra dose of that from being a Psychopomp, maybe, but I get a couple tools to fight against them too. Well, having an experienced psychopomp to help develop it means we've got a good one." When he asked the question with his eyes, I said, "Smite. Saffron's shown you, right?"

"Ah, yes. I've seen the Shape. Does it work as well as hoped?"

"Been using it for a while now. It wrecks their shit real good." I smiled up at him. "So, only died twice this week, and to lucky arrows rather than Hole Spawn or beating my own face in."

He pulled his table over, I dropped The Dress and hopped up on. He lay his hands on the sides of my head and frowned. "Where else are you?"

I shrugged. "One of me is up on the mast doing overwatch with Marie. Another is reading with Maze."

"You realize I cannot realign things when you are Co-Located?"

I sighed. "Yeah. I kinda figured. I hoped keeping it to just two of me would be enough. What if I let Marie fend for herself today?"

He sat back, leaning against the back of his chair and folding his arms. "But not this Maze?"

I shook my head. "She's the one I did the face beating thing for. She's... She's a little kid with nobody else in the fuckin' world, because I killed the only people she had."

"So this means she is your responsibility?"

I growled up at him. "I don't care what it takes to explain it to you or anybody else. She's a kid who needs me, and I will not disappoint her if I can possibly help it. If you can't understand that, she's mine by right of fuckin' conquest, and I will not be a poor caretaker."

He held a hand up, not commanding, but asking patience. When I went still, he lay that big palm on the side of my face. "Your temper might be a touch on edge with unresolved deaths on your Soul, but still, you stand for her. Stand up to me for her, while allowing me to touch your Soul." He pulled me to him, arms wrapping around me, his skin cool against mine. "I am proud of you, Daughter. I claim the Domain of Hearth and Home, but it is you who gave me a Hearth, who made this cave a Home rather than a prison. And when the tides of war washed this child up at your feet, before you even knew you might have a debt to her, you took her into your Home, into your heart, did you not?"

I shrugged, mildly annoyed but enjoying the feeling of being hugged by a dad who made me feel like a little little kid again. "That's what you do." Then, because it seemed to warrant repeating. "That's what you fuckin' do, if you're not a fuckin' piece of garbage human being."

"So proud." He held me out, not unlike I'd held Maze out the night before, his hands on my shoulders, then lifted his hands to encompass my head. He Shaped Mana, and something like a full body glove slipped around me, sank under my skin. It felt kind of like an ace bandage, but all over my body, and perfectly applied, so no part of me had any more pressure than any other.

"The fuck was that?" I asked, more mystified by the odd sensation than mad.

"You do recall I once said I could apply temporary measures to help you from further injury, to perhaps help you heal?" I nodded. "One of those. The best I can do without all of you here. Now." He lifted me from the table, and set me on my chair, which Sigyn slid in behind me.

She leaned over my shoulder and said, "tell us about this new granddaughter of ours."

On the mast of the Black Dragon, starting about an hour after the sun rose, Marie looked at me and said, "This." then switched from Glowing Midnight to her Maid's uniform. "This."

I blinked, then said, "I like both. You're super hot in Glowing Midnight, but you just feel Mom shaped in your Maid outfit."

She rolled her eyes and said, "Choose."

I sighed and shook my head, smiling a little. "Bedroom or public?"

She smiled at me and said, "Both."

I pouted up at her. "And those are my only two choices?"

She smiled, sighed, then shook her head and said, "Choose."

I grinned up at her and said, "anything?" She winced a little, but nodded. I banished all her clothes and watched her go pink. When she stood there, proud despite her blush, I said, "maybe, but..." then I dropped her jeans and white tee shirt on her, and an impish grin curled my lips as she visibly sagged with relief. I stepped up to her and said, "not quite," before reaching up, taking the collar of her tee shirt in both hands, and carefully ripped the seam and about an inch and a half beneath it.

She looked down her front, her eyes crossing cutely. "Fix?"

"Don't. You. Fucking. Dare. That's a note to myself, on account of my terrible memory." When she raised an eyebrow, smiling, I said, "it says, 'tear here for emergency Marie titty access." She grinned, but I saw the pink peeking through the tear. I leaned in and pulled her down with one finger in that tear, then whispered, "which I absolutely intend to do next time you're wearing this, with no more warning than, y'know, the sound of it ripping." She went almost as pink as she had been standing there posing naked for me. I forced my smile to gentle, then quietly said, "seriously, though, you blush a lot more now. Am I really embarrassing you?" She tilted her head, half shrugged. "Am I pushing you past your limits, past what you're comfortable with?"

She swallowed, then said, "yes"

I nodded and pulled her in to a hug. "Okay. I'll stop."

My head rang where the back of it had slammed into the upright of the mast proper. Marie's claws dug into the steel behind my head, and she growled into my face. "No."

I coughed, then chuckled. "You want that?" She nodded. "Want your boundaries pushed?" Another nod. "Stretched?" Her snarl melted and she nodded again. "Folded, spindled, mutilated until they're so saggy I can drape them over me like a shawl when it gets cold?" I couldn't say much of anything after that. Hard to talk with a pink Maenad licking your tonsils.

Back in the suite, Maze looked up at me. "More? Really?"

"You still want to, right?" She nodded, speechless, and I said, "okay then. What did you want to read today?"

"Wee Free Men?"

I nodded, but said, "did you want to read that one again, or the next book in the series?" At her wide eyed look, I said, "yeah, there's like four or five books, all stories about her."

She didn't speak, she just nodded like her head was gonna come off, so I led her over to the bookshelf. After looking for like half an hour, we had three books. Wee Free Men plus the third and fourth books in the series. I shook my head. "I'm down to read book three if you want." A tiny frown etched itself across her lips, but she reached for Wintersmith. I gently took her hand, then looked at where Saffron sat coding. "Kitten? I'm gonna show her." She raised an eyebrow, and I said, "she's family."

"Do you think she's ready?"

I shrugged and turned to Maze. "I think I can get that last book for you. But... it'll take me doing something that's a family secret. Nobody outside the family knows... Well, okay, two people do now, but they're... uh... really close friends." Saffron laughed, and I frowned at her. She waved me onward, so i turned back to Maze. "So. Family secret. Can you keep it if I show you? I want to show you where the books come from."

She shook her head, but said, "I can keep secrets."

"Will you keep this one?"

"Yes," she said, like I was some kind of idiot for asking.

I stood, held my hand out, wrapped my Blend around us until we were a ghost of a memory, then dropped my personal Blend. "Ready to go to my own personal library?"

She looked up, eyes wide, but took my hand. I stepped us to M-Space, gliding upward until we stood gazing at the gently undulating tips of a billion tentacles. She gasped, and I asked, "what do you think?"

She looked up at me, mouth kinda perma-dropped open, then whispered, "pretty." A pause, then, "scary." She looked up, met my eyes, and said, "my..." she trailed off, then grinned as mischievously as Menace ever had and asked, "my papa?"

I laughed, then did that little shapeshifting twist I'd done for Saffron the night previous. "If that's what you want?"

She blurted out a hissed laugh, curling around herself and collapsing to the waving tentacle tips below us, laughing. "No. No, the other way."

I switched back, then scooped her up and settled her on my shoulders, her hands still in mine. "You ready to go get that book?"

She wriggled her hands free, and I dropped my hands to her thighs to brace her. She pointed forward in a pose she probably thought was noble, but looked totes adorable as, speaking in the kind of clear, loud, raucous voice I associated with kids who aren't scared of any damn thing in the world, she called out, "to the library!"