Dear Diary,

"Do your best, expect to fail,

Get back up and try again,

And let others do the same."

Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Redemption

Y'know, talking about second chances and making sure you give other people second chances, I forgot about how many people don't give themselves second chances. Like, they try once, then throw their hands in the air and walk away. I think that might actually be worse for people who are gifted or talented or whatever in a field, because they don't get the same experience with fucking up. I mean, yeah, if the first time somebody tries something they get curb stomped and see no way to try something different the next time I get that they might give up, but most people aren't in that boat. Like, they try to cook box mac and cheese and it doesn't come out like mom's, because they don't know all the stuff she adds, but it doesn't come out inedible garbage, just... not great. So they try again, maybe adhering to the box instructions harder, maybe mixing things up a little, and it comes out different. Maybe better, maybe worse, but every time they try they get a little more knowledge, a little more skill. So when they try a new recipe and it comes out shit, they know that's not the end of their cooking career.

But somebody who has a gift at something is in a different boat. Whether it's some knowledge they picked up watching mom, or a nose and tongue that can pick out subtle flavors, or an intuition about how that shit combines, if they even try the store bought mac and cheese, it comes out perfect the first time, or good enough that any changes they make are perfective, not corrective. They don't hit any real challenges early on. So when they finally do hit some kind of challenge, they fold like a house of cards. They think maybe their gift has abandoned them, or they've hit some kind of insurmountable plateau, or whatever. So where the normie tries a soufflé and it goes south and they say, 'okay, what did I do wrong, how can I do better next time', the former gifted kid tries it and says 'oh, shit, my endless rise has ended, time to go sell access to my orifices on the street'.

So yeah, I gotta make sure to let people looking to me, or really to the transcription of my cereal box prize Moral Compass for guidance know that it's okay to fail. Like, not 'try to fail', but 'when you fail, get back up and try again'. Shit, with the people I see around here who remind me of people back at Eastside, I wonder if Aaliyah's still around. Then again, that'd put me as Jet Li, and I sure as shit am not Jet Li. If anybody's Jet, it's Larry. My man has some serious quickness in him. And now I'm trying not to freak out about how I know that. At any rate, if I'm anybody from one of those old Honk Kong flicks, it's Jackie Chan. Y'know, stumbling through shit and somehow winning through being just a little too dumb to realize that I'm demolishing myself bit by bit, and just a little too durable for the bad guys to realize that I'm still coming despite all the crap they've pulled.

I guess that 'acceptance of failure' helps with the whole 'embrace death' thing as well. Like, I don't want people killing themselves, or throwing their lives away in some kinda fucked up 'notice me Sempai', but when it comes down to it and your back's the wall, 'on death ground, fight' and all that good shit. If you know you're gonna lose, know you're gonna die, that opens up whole new avenues for fucking somebody's shit up in ways they will not expect. Maybe not enough to live, maybe not enough to win, but maybe, just maybe, enough that the people coming along behind you have a chance to pull Victory out of Defeat's duodenum.

So by the end of the day yesterday Maze had beat me five games out of eight, and four of those were the last four we played. I dunno if I was getting tired, or bored, or she's just a budding little clever genius at board games, but I do know that when I tipped over my king for the final time yesterday, I reached over the board, scooped her up, and gave her a big hug. "You're so good at this! I'm really proud of you, kid."

She just grinned like an idiot, hugged me back, and murmured, "papa," into my chest. No idea what's up with that, but I'm not gonna harsh her joy just because I'm clueless.

Once we had everybody in bed, I thought at my ladies, d'y'all mind if I go read the notes I made for myself?

Saffron and Siobhan both glomped me a little harder, and Saffron replied, Co-Locate, please? And take Marie with you? And above all, no playing with Cold Iron without us there in case of emergency?

I nodded, then thought, uh, how do I Co-Locate?

I felt Siobhan's smile, but Saffron's voice filled my head, Marie, show her?

Marie lay her hand on my head, then the two of us lay on the floor bed in the Academy Suite Office. I closed my eyes in the Lancaster House Bedroom, then I rolled over, nuzzled her, and pushed myself to my feet. "Thanks, Marie. But... I still didn't quite catch how you did that?"

She pushed herself up into a tailor seat, pondered a moment, then said, "Do. Don't. Both."

That froze me in my tracks while I parsed it. I guess my brain has some talent for turning Marie's monosyllabic comments into comprehensible ideas, because after that bit of thinking I asked, "so, like, Translocate, but partway there stop, but also keep going?" She contemplated that for half a second, then nodded. So I tried it.

As I rubbed my temples at the sudden audiovisual feedback, I found myself glad I'd done this in the middle of the night in the padded office, where nothing really echoed. "Uh..." Talking out loud was dumb. Ow. Uh, how do I undo this?

Fall back into yourself, love.

I did a kind of Nestea plunge backward into myself, and the feedback disappeared with the extra me. Thanks, that worked.

's good, love.

I let that go; it sounded like Saffron was almost asleep. I sat down at the desk and picked up the... I couldn't really call it a 'letter'. More like a set of abbreviated instructions to myself. Well, okay, mostly instructions.

'You're doing great. Keep it up!

Names -

Saffron - Kitten

Marie - Murder Mittens

Isnomi - Menace

Maze - Horse Girl

Siobhan - Ice Pop

Tell Dad he's the best

Have Priestesses puppet you and pay attention!

Learn These Shapes -

Mana Blade (Karen's! Coolest!)

Mana Ward

Filtration Ward

Co-Location just Translocation but stop AND go

Heal Injury

Cure Disease

Inspect / Status?

Quick wardrobe trick!

Intro (to Values?) - 1

VALUES - A / E / R - 10 each

Intro (to Domains) - 1?

DOMAINS - Justified Homicide, Vengeance, Bloodlust, Ecstasy, Passion, Children - 9 each

Close - 4?

Hang in there. You I We got this.

- T'

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I read through it like three times, then folded it up, walked back over to where Marie sat, patiently watching me. "Yeah, I think I need to sleep on this."

She nodded, reached up, and took my hand. I stepped us back to the office at Lancaster House. She looked a question at me, and I smiled, held up the note, and said, "needed to put this away... Murder Mittens."

Holy shit I'd never seen her move quite that fast. Also, every bit of the stiffness she normally had when she had her Maid's outfit on disappeared. She moved with the smooth grace of a striking predator. Before I knew what was happening she scooped me into her arms, her lips against mine, her tongue invading my mouth. I went with it, because screw it, if I was gonna die, death by snu snu wasn't the worst way to go. For the record, I think that would be trying to Translocate with Cold Iron in my guts. After a thorough physical inspection of my tonsils, Marie pulled back, grinning from ear to ear. She lay a hand where my shoulder joined my neck, glancing at it before asking, "Please?"

I relaxed into her arms. Fuck it, I went totally limp, staring into her eyes and saying, "be gentle?" She got the cutest little moue, and I rolled my eyes, "as gentle as you can be?" More pouty, which looked so adorable I relented. "Okay. Do with me as you will."

Her eyes shot wide at that, and that radiant grin returned. Clamping one hand around the back of my head to hold me in place, her other arm holding my weight, she brought her mouth down on my shoulder. Pressure, followed by four sudden, sharp pinpricks, then the strangest mix of subdued tearing pain, like pulling off a scab that'd been hit with lidocaine, and pleasant lethargy, like somebody'd dumped all the serotonin in the world into my brain all at once. The pressure increased slowly, gradually, until I heard something click inside my shoulder. Maybe her teeth. I didn't fuckin' know, and didn't fuckin' care. Serotonin good.

"I'mma fall asleep now?"

No.

Before I could even think about arguing, my beloved Maenad Maid, ah, manually manipulated my dopamine release. Okay, I'm not sure if it counts as 'manually' if she did it with her knee. Afterward, floating on a cloud of all the feel good neurotransmitters in the world, not to mention a whole fuckin' ocean of endorphins, I muttered, "sleep now?"

I swear I felt her chuckle in my fuckin' spine. Yes.

I plummeted into blissful slumber.

Dreamt of Marie doing the Lady and the Tramp thing with me, only the pasta was Marie shaped. Later in the dream Saffron and Siobhan showed up, taking turns doing the same thing with Saffron shaped soup dumplings and Siobhan popsicles. Dreams are fuckin' weird. Although, y'know, oral sex and my lovely ladies is like chocolate and peanut butter. I want all of that good good in my mouth as often as possible.

Woke up right in the middle of crunching, shattering, and swallowing another popsicle, only to discover Siobhan whimpering into my mouth. Weird thing, her mouth, her tongue, both were just a little cooler than mine. Not sure what's up with that. Maybe she needs more iron in her diet. Hell, I'm pretty sure she does. When she came up for air, I said, "Marie?"

"Yes?"

"Spinach and mussels today, please?" Yeah, growing up as a woman with limited funds I learned quick what cheap foods were rich in iron. Never thought I'd need it for an anemic Concubine, but like I said before, never know what's gonna turn out important.

"Yes."

"Extra servings for," I nuzzled my nose against hers, "our little Ice Pop here."

Her mouth dropped open. "What did I do?"

"You'd rather have liver?"

For some weird reason she blushed a little at that. "Liver? Yes, please!"

I shrugged, shook my head, and said, "okay, can we do spinach and liver instead?"

Marie gently pulled my chin around until I faced her. "Yes."

"Why do I get the feeling I could name any food I wanted and you'd say yes?"

"Because she dotes on you, as is right and proper behavior for the Champion's Maid and fiancé." Saffron's assertion could have been nasty, but the barely suppressed laughter in her voice made it clear that she wasn't being sarcastic about the 'right and proper' part, even if she seemed to find it hilarious.

I stretched up to give Marie a quick peck on the cheek, then turned back to Siobhan. "And we are absolutely going to take turns stuffing you today."

"Okay!" she kinda meeped out.

I shook my head. "I meant with food, silly woman." She frowned, and I couldn't help myself. I leaned in and whispered in her ear, low enough it wouldn't carry to the crowd of kids around us, "the other is for tonight." She smiled nearly as wide as Marie had the night before.

"Okay everybody. Bath time, then I'm gonna need a quick confab. I think it's time for a training montage."

We cycled everybody through the bath, and even though my shoulder gave out partway through, I managed to towel off all the kids before I needed Siobhan to step in and help. When it was down to just the four of us, with Siobhan getting scrubbed by Saffron while Marie and I waited, I said, "Okay, ladies. Future me has given me some pretty clear instructions, as well as a bit of a how-to. Do you know what I meant by you guys 'puppeting' me?"

Saffron nodded, scooted Siobhan out of the tub toward me, and said, "of course. Relax, and 'go with it', as you would say." I shrugged, and before I completed the motion I swayed into motion, sashaying across the bathroom, handing Siobhan a towel as I passed her. I stepped into the tub, settled in, and put my arms around Saffron. "Like that."

I slumped a little, my posture shifting, but didn't let go of Saffron, because I'm not an idiot. "Whoa. Any of you can do that to me?"

"If you allow it. Or if all of us coordinate to focus on you, like the time Marie and I ferreted out all your secret silly guilty desires."

"Uh... why do I get the idea that this is not a one way thing?"

She smiled. "Because it absolutely is not." I felt... something. I felt her perceptions slip into mine, almost like I'd done the night before with two of me in the office, but without the feedback. You want me to kiss you?

"Well, yeah. Duh."

So do it.

I froze. "I'm not sure..."

I am. I consent, Goof. I want you to make me kiss you exactly how you want to be kissed. Now. Please.

I... I realized I didn't want to resist, even if I thought I should. I wrapped her arms around me, one hand tangling in my hair to guide my lips, the other slipping down my back to massage and fondle its way around to my front. I tickled my lips with hers, over and over until I lunged against her grip on my hair, our tongues tangling as her hand roamed southward. The kiss ended not with a bang but a post-bang whimper into her mouth.

Her lips curved as she pulled away from me, and the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was her adoring, amused gaze. "That was a little more than a kiss, Goof."

"Sorry."

She pinched me. "Don't. Be. Goof." She mock frowned. "Consider that an order from your Imperator, my Attack Dog."

"My brain tells me I ought to be offended, but my crotch tells me that if my brain doesn't shut up it's going to beat my brain to death with my own left arm, so okay."

The other three all laughed at that. Saffron asked, "what does your heart tell you, Goof?"

I smiled back at her, warmth welling up from inside. "To do whatever the fuck my Kitten tells me to."

Yeah. We didn't get my training started for a while. Also, while she's obviously gonna be better with her hands than I am, it's kind embarrassing that she apparently literally knows me better than I know myself.

After breakfast, we all gathered at the homestead. The setting definitely didn't make for warm fuzzies, especially with the melted helmet still lying in a scorch mark, but I got why we were here. Nobody else to hurt, Marie to keep me safe, and the other two to Heal me if I needed it. "What did you tell yourself regarding 'puppeting' you?"

"To have you puppet me while using the abilities I've forgotten, while I watch you real close?"

Saffron shook her head, frowning, then mock shouted, "Again! Again, you outsmart me! If I weren't making better progress on my new Inspect lately, I'd think I'd gotten dumber. So you must be getting smarter."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. I like smarter."

"Okay, so what do we want to start with?"

We wound up starting with Siobhan showing me how to do the Heal Injury thing. Of course, that required somebody to be hurt, and I was not copacetic about Marie slicing one of Saffron's forearms open, but I had to admit it was a clean slice, and when Siobhan slipped into my brain and did the thing, it felt completely natural, like what she was doing was supposed to happen, like breathing or kissing Saffron's arm after it healed without a scar. Took me a few more repetitions before I could do it, but eventually I managed to seal it shut without Siobhan's help.

We kept going through most of the day. We managed to get like half of the list done, although my ladies added 'Stabilize' to the list, telling me it was good for waking somebody up, knocking them out, giving them Mana, and keeping mortal wounds from being quite so mortal. We didn't get to Mana Blade, because Karen wasn't with us, and Saffron said she had some critical work on the Temple to oversee today.

So fuckin' weird, being able to do all this shit just by, y'know, focusing my will. Of course, none of that was the weirdest thing I had to deal with.

That was at lunch, when Marie proved that liver can, apparently, actually taste good when prepared properly.