Dear Diary,

Y'know, it's pretty fuckin' petty of me to be pissed at Lancaster for interrupting my nookie schedule in the middle of a fucking war, but y'know what? I'm gonna just embrace the lime green and be pissed. Worst case I take it out on the 'Damn Army if I'm called up, right?

So I had nothing left to go over anything with Saffron yesterday at bedtime, so when she woke me up early this morning, with the menace still snoring gently in her own bed? The last thing I wanted to do was have a goddamned discussion about politics. But I am a Mature Woman who Takes Care Of Important Business before fucking around, so when she nibbled her way down my neck, I put a hand on her back and gently kept her from going any further. "Before I forget?"

She pulled her hands up under her chin, which gave me the sad, because they'd been just a little lower a second before. Laugh lines crinkling her eyes, she said, "so, who did you Just Happen to now?"

I rolled my eyes. "That happened one time."

"Twice if you count me."

"That happened two times."

She just smiled up at me. "You're the one who interrupted my nefarious designs upon your supposed virtue." Her smile got wider. "Ooh, I hadn't thought about this, but if you find yourself Just Happening to someone?"

I couldn't exactly pull away to give her side eye with her lying on top of me, but I tried. "Yeah?"

I got a vision of myself doing just that, real-time. "You will let me watch."

"Good God, woman. It's like you want me Just Happening to someone or something."

She shrugged. "Not really. I mean, I've said it before, I expect it to happen at some point, so when it does I'm not going to be surprised. Although," she paused, her brow furrowed a little, "at least do try to make sure they live up to our current standards?" She shook her head, "anyhow, I don't want it, or rather what I'd like is for you to Just Happen to me again, but that's impossible for obvious reasons."

"Weren't you just about to get some happening going on before I stopped you?"

She shook her head. "Not the same. Don't get me wrong, I am completely fulfilled on that score, but that first time? It, how did you put it again? It hits different. So the best I'm likely to get is vicarious voyeurism from my vivacious vixen."

"I mean, you could Just Happen to somebody." I might have gotten a menace-worthy pouty face, but I said it.

She shrugged, "I'm certain it's possible, but it's just so much less likely. Jokes about standards and self-control aside, I'm not as spontaneous a person as you are. Besides, I don't think you'd like it."

"But it wouldn't be fair if you let me and I didn't let you."

"Have you told me no?"

I shrugged, "No? I mean, I don't think I have."

"Do you want to?"

I tossed my hands above my head, flopping them on the bed. "Well, yeah, but that's not fair."

"And that's why I love you so much; no matter what Spells and such might say, you are a mature woman who will override your own nature to do what you perceive as the right thing." She put her hands on my chest and arched her back, pushing herself and twisting side to side, working the kinks out of her spine. That view combined with where she'd planted her palms drove everything resembling coherence out of my skull for a while. She looked down at me as I stared at her still-swaying sweater puppies. "So, I assume there's a reason why we're not having sex right now?"

I snickered a little, and it grew into a laugh as I reached up and drew her down to me, pulling her in for a kiss. When the pleasant lip-lock ended, I sighed and said, "yeah. Council meeting next Thursday."

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Her mouth twisted up into the cutest little pout. "Dammit. That is more important than any given instance of lovemaking."

I snerked. "Just one instance?"

She shot me an arch look, "just because my appetite isn't as voracious as yours does not mean I do not desire you intensely. Should our deprivation exceed my tolerance for such, I will kill everyone in a half hour radius to get us privacy if I must."

I shuddered at the deadpan delivery of that last. "Damn, Saff, dark as fuck much?"

She shrugged. "If everyone insists on seeing me as the villain, I might as well take advantage of it."

"But I don't wanna be the villain," I whined.

She smiled at me. "I know, love. That's why I'd announce the minimum safe distance and give them time to run. Anyone remaining would be too stupid to live. Now, are you going to keep teasing me?"

"Sorry, didn't mean to." I reviewed Lancaster's proposals and my counter-proposal. She folded her hands across my chest and leaned her chin on them while she listened.

When I finished, she heaved a sigh, which did bad things to my resolve to be all mature and shit about this. "I hate giving Lancaster more power than he already has, but your suggestion is a good one. I doubt it will slake his power hunger, but if he seeks more power after being given that much, it will make his motives seem far less benign. Just in case he doesn't suggest it, I'll look up the procedure for proposing an item for voting."

I snorted, "do we wanna try to get our vote in first? To kinda head his later vote off at the pass?"

She sucked at her teeth a little. Just about the last thing I wanted her sucking on at the moment. "You know, that's not a bad idea. I think you've got a knack for this, love."

I shook my head, "nah. I mean, maybe, but mostly it's just me thinking about how I'd deal with some of the shady fuckers I grew up around, with maybe a bit of thinking about how to wreck his shit in a metaphoric sense."

She heaved an affectionate sigh. "So modest. So virtuous. My maidenhead is imperiled by your very existence."

That got another chuckle out of me. "Don't you have a kid?"

"I fail to see your point."

"Kinda living proof that your maidenhead got itself decapitated a little bit already."

She closed her eyes, lifted her head, and pressed her palms together under her face. "I know not of what you speak. I am innocent and pure, and would never be waiting with bated breath and dripping downstairs for you to sully the pristine lady parts I've kept untouched for my future husband."

I looked up at her, my jaw slowly dropping. "I'm not sure whether to laugh, pounce on you, or stare in awe that you managed to get all of that out without bursting into laughter or flames."

She huffed a pouty little sigh and said, "I said, I am absolutely not waiting eagerly for you to despoil me and ruin my chances for a good marriage."

I couldn't help it, the giggles started leaking out, "oh. Oh, fuck. My sides kinda hurt from not laughing, but I swear that's the most concentrated, 'what are you waiting for, step-brother?' energy I've ever seen."

Her pout got a little deeper, and she rolled her eyes to beseech the heavens. She opened her mouth to no doubt let out another, even more unstealthy clue about her wanting me to ravish her.

That's when our permanent houseguest popped up beside the bed and shouted, "tikibada!" Ladyboners slain with four syllables? Two. She snickered and slapped at my arm with one hand. "Mama! Mama!"

"Yes, you incorrigible little menace?"

She stared me right in the face and said, "Ma!"

I looked at Saffron, who said, "what did you want, my tiny darling?"

Isnomi shook her head and said, "Na ma. Mama ma. Mama, ma!" Saffron and I looked at each other, baffled, until the rug rat shouted, "Mama, ma!" again. The clue she'd been tossing at my head finally got to my brain. I Mimicked Saffron and looked over at the munchkin. "Is this what you wanted?"

The moment I shifted, she squealed with glee and clambered up onto the bed, headbutting her way between us to latch onto me and start nursing. "Glagrrghh. That is still so fuckin' weird."

Saffron twisted herself around until she sat, tailor fashion, with my feet on her lap. She picked one up and rubbed at it, and between the weirdity of Isnomi nursing and the tension relief of Saffron working the soles of my feet, I kinda melted. By the time Isnomi'd had her fill, it was time to get dressed and head out for the day. After setting her on the floor to do as much dressing as she could, I muttered, "halfway ready to just up and kill the entire 'Damn Army so we could spend today filling my brain with Celtic and your virgin orifices with excessive de-virginizing."

Saffron paused with her shirt half on, cocked her head and thought for half a second before dropping her hands, saying, "okay," and leaning back against the armoire like she had nothing better to do.

I threw my hands in the air, abandoning my own shirt half-tied. "Aaargh! It's like you want me to be the villain or something."

She shrugged, waited for me to go back to dressing, then sighed and got back to dressing herself. "I won't push you into it, love. Villain or not, I love you just the same. You declare the destination, I'll map out the course we'll sail."

Yeah, right. Scary, adorable, loving little bitch probably has cases of lime green spray paint just waiting for me to drop my guard so she can villainize me. Scariest part? Knowing how easy and fun it would be to let her.