Dear Diary,

"Failure's inevitable,

What you do after matters,

Do it different next time."

Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Redemption

Yeah, really feeling this one today. Fucked up big time with Siobhan yesterday. Only reason our little Ice Pop didn't wind up puking her guts out was Saffron's quick thinking and mad magical Skills. We still need to get her healthy, because we care about her and according to what Saffron and Marie tell me she's not just a little malnourished now, but she's basically been starving herself for a long time, subsisting on as little as possible for as long as she's been at the Academy. But rupturing her innards isn't the right way to fix that, and while she's definitely at the 'intervention' point what with her passing out on the regular, the whole point of an intervention is to get buy in from the person you're interventioning.

That makes me wonder about whether it would be a good idea to put personal anecdotes into the Doctrine. Yeah, the meter and sound bite nature would make it a little disjointed maybe, but knowing even their Goddess fucks up now and then has got to make people feel better about themselves. Then again, I've got a feeling most of my screw ups wound up being pretty public knowledge. Like, the ones since I got cursed haven't, but that's because the ladies have kept me mostly under wraps while they figured out what the fuck was going on. Even now I haven't really returned to what I was doing before I got whammied. Hell, I'm not even sure what I was doing, other than writing the Doctrine.

Pretty sure I'm not going to, though. The anecdote thing. Between storytelling being a pain in the ass in this format and the tendency for religious folks to conflate virtues and vices, which means any admission of fault invalidates everything somebody ever told them, it's probably a bad idea. Kind of irks me that I've got to take people like that into account, because they're wrong, profoundly so, but they exist, they're pretty fuckin' common, and a surprising number of them look to Holy Books and shit for guidance. Hell, maybe I need to find a way to fit that in, in case the whole 'redemption' thing doesn't clue them in, that everybody's got good and bad in them.

The goal isn't even really to get rid of the bad; that's sorta impossible. The goal is to choose good when you've got options. Or maybe choose the goodest option you've got? Which is sometimes the least evil thing. I mean, that's always the case, isn't it? Like, if Good and Evil are a spectrum, even two things well over into the 'Good' side of things are gonna have one that's less good, which means it's more evil, right?

Yeah, no idea why people think I'm the one to talk to about morals and shit.

So yesterday at the end of the day all four of us, especially me, stank like burned mold. I didn't even know burned mold stank before now, but that knowledge is now in my noggin. I guess to give me more practice the ladies had me teleport them home, followed by an evening bath before dinner. Not surprised, we totally would have ruined people's appetites. As Marie dumped like the third kettle of water over my head for my final rinse, Saffron said, "at least it's not as bad as Hole Spawn stink."

"Yes."

Marie's agreement normally would have ended the discussion, but this time it made me feel some kinda way. "Dammit. I really wish I could remember the shit we've been through together."

"Trust me, love, this in particular is a blessing in disguise. No one wants to smell Hole Spawn spew. Even the memory is enough to make me consider skipping dinner tonight." She shook her head. "Frankly, if we didn't need to be sure Siobhan's eating, I would."

That reminded me. I turned to Siobhan, waved her over, and went to my knees in front of her, because otherwise I kinda couldn't help looming over her just a little. "Siobhan, I'm sorry about what I did yesterday. I was clumsy and arrogant and didn't listen to you when you said 'no'. I almost hurt you. I'm sorry, and I'll try to do better in the future."

Her jaw kept dropping throughout my apology, and she actually teared up midway through. When I finished, she stepped forward and put her arms around my head, pulling my face into her belly. "I can't say I'm happy about it, because that was both unpleasant and," she took a deep breath, "the first time you've ever done something when I told you I didn't want you to." She went silent for a few moments, then asked, "why?"

I turned my head just far enough to say, "does it matter? I screwed up."

She pondered for a few moments, then said, "yes. Yes, it does matter. Please tell me?"

I heaved out a sigh. "Because I thought you were trying to avoid medical treatment. At least that's what I think I thought at the time. If I was even thinking, which I'm not sure I was." I paused, shaking my head. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

"It is your nature, love." Saffron cut in. "You've agonized over it in the past. I'm not sure you've ever completely come to terms with it, really."

"My nature? What kind of fucked up nonsense is that?"

Siobhan pulled my face around and up to look at her. "No, Tabitha. It is not nonsense. Saffron is right, it is part and parcel of what you are, what Mimic is. She... you... hunger. Endlessly. For everything in creation."

I flinched. "I am the fuckin' bad guy." I whispered.

"No," said Saffron, coming up behind me. "Hunger doesn't make you evil, love. Hunger drives you, but you choose what you consume, and how, and when. What you did with the soup was wrong, true, but we all erred with that. But we all make mistakes. Even you, my Goddess."

"Kinda surprised you'd say that. What have I done that you considered a mistake?"

I tilted my head back to look at her, and she smirked at me. "At the time I thought telling me you hated me was a mistake."

"I did what?"

"You were angry. So angry that you considered ending the world. Which is well within your power, and even within your rights as the Primordial Matriarch of the Mor. I interrupted you, and you lashed out."

"I'm sorry."

She reached past me, put her arms around Siobhan, and squished me a little bit. "It's quite all right, Goof. I've long since forgiven you."

I still slumped between them. "I hate this. Not remembering. I feel... but I don't know. Someone's stolen all this good shit away from me, and... If I had it back, I'm not sure I'd be me."

They just stood there holding me. Eventually I felt Marie kneel next to me and put her arms around all of us. "Love."

"She's right, Tabitha. We love you. With or without your memories. If you get them back or if they're gone forever, we'll love you. And we have all of our lives and beyond to make new ones." Siobhan reached down and ruffled my hair as she said that.

"Yeah, if I can avoid accidentally killing you because I'm a fuckin' idiot."

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

She laughed at that. "Oh, but if you do, I'm sure you'll Revive me. Or carry my Soul off to some secluded corner of the Land of the Gods to be your private plaything for all eternity."

"You say that like it's not horrifying."

She stroked my hair some more. "Why would it be horrifying? I've been your Concubine for less than a month, and with the exception of one poorly executed attempt to help me, it has been wonderful." She blushed, and didn't wobble very much at all. "Especially the parts where you... made intimate use of me."

I sighed. "It's... just a lot to take in. I'm still sorry about the soup thing."

She looked down at me and said, "if... if you submit to me in one thing, to 'make us even', will you consider yourself forgiven?"

"Doesn't matter if I consider myself forgiven. It's if you do."

She smiled. "But I already have. But you don't seem to feel that. So... one thing?"

I sighed, then nodded.

"After dinner then. And yes, ladies, I will eat. But not heavily. Not tonight."

We all got dressed and headed down to dinner after that. Weird, Siobhan taking charge like that, but there's a first time for everything, I guess. Once we got everybody through the nighttime routine, before we lay down to sleep, she quietly pulled us all to the bathroom, then took our hands and stepped us to that vast field of undulating tentacles. At night the place seemed eldritch, like another world or something.

Siobhan pulled me away from the other two, then took my hands in hers. "Goddess, may I?"

I raised an eyebrow, then felt that weird sensation of her sliding into my mind, and realized what she wanted. "Okay."

I let go, and she fumbled a bit before the tentacles under us rose, writhing around her until they lifted her up, supporting her and rolling her over until she lay on her back, smiling at me. She turned my head so I could see the other two equally suspended, both smirking ever so slightly at me. Then she turned me back to face her. "Do you feel them, my Champion, my Hero, my Tabitha?"

Given the exactly zero garments we had between us, I couldn't exactly ignore the sensations from all those writhing, undulating tentacles. I swallowed, then said, "yeah."

She rolled herself over, propped her chin up with a few tentacles, then pulled a few more into very suggestive positions before smiling at me. "Would you know what form I want your apology to me to take?"

"I... I think I can guess."

"So why aren't you?"

I closed my eyes, and tried not to think about how I could still see her, feel her, smell her, taste her. "Because I want... no, I need to hear you say it, so I know I'm doing what you want me to do, and not what I want to do."

She laughed, moved herself down to where she could hold my face in her hands and kiss me. "Silly Tabitha. Saffron is right, you are such a Goof. Who says what I want and what you want need be different?"

"Still need to hear you say it."

Still holding my face, but slipping backward until only her fingertips touched me, tentacles rising around her, she said, "So I'll say it. Stuff. Me."

Yeah. Like I could resist when she straight up told me shit like that. We didn't get to sleep for a couple hours, but when we did, we all slept well.

Dreamt of the others just kinda flopping themselves into my mouth, exhausted and happy.

Woke up first, got a little upset when it took a while for the others to wake up, until I whispered out, "are you guys all right?"

Marie immediately replied, "Yes."

"So why are they still asleep?"

She leaned over so I could see her grin. "Satiated."

"So why is nobody else getting up?"

At that point the woman who kept flirting with me at bath time whispered, "because everyone likes sleeping in sometimes, and you and the Imperator set our schedule." A series of quiet, lazy chuckles filtered through the low snores in the room, and I decided that my official position was 'fuck it, I'm gonna burrow into Marie's belly until Saffron and Siobhan wake up'.

Bath time was super late and super lazy, and we wound up missing 'official' breakfast. Marie led a couple of the women, including Devorah the flirt and the one who seemed 'in charge' of all of them, Anna, down to get a couple big trays of waffles and sausage from the kitchens for all of us. After our brunch, the women went about their daily whatever, which apparently now included a bit of communal kid watching, and my ladies and I headed back to the homestead.

Karen stood there waiting for us in that porn star wedding dress of hers. "Tabitha. Please forgive my absence these past few days."

I shook my head and stepped forward to give her a hug, because she honestly looked distressed about it. "No worries. You had important stuff to take care of."

"Not as important as my duties to you, my Goddess."

I rolled my eyes. "You were working on the Temple, right?" She nodded. "That's part of your duties to me, right?" Another nod. "So you were attending your 'duties to me'. Don't feel guilty just because I'm high maintenance." She opened her mouth, probably to argue, and I realized that I actually had a trump card to play at this point, and I played it. "Karen, who's the Goddess?"

"You are, of course."

"And that means what I say goes, right?" She nodded, and I finished up with, "and I say you've got nothing to apologize for. Okay?"

She smiled at me, genuinely relieved. "Of course. Now... what did you need me here for again? High Priestess Aetos-Diaz wasn't clear."

I mouthed the words, 'high priestess Aetos-Diaz' before saying, "that's a bit of a mouthful."

"Not as much as last night," muttered Saffron, grinning like an idiot. Then again, Siobhan grinned just as hard, and while Marie was behind me, I'm pretty sure her purring was a good grin indicator. Then Saffron stepped forward. "Today you get to experience something which may be entirely unique to our Goddess. You're aware that Deities can take direct control of their followers?" Karen nodded. "Normally, this requires a Divine messenger of some kind, typically a Demigod, to act as a cutout, lest the Deity's power erase the Priestess' Mind and destroy their Soul. However," she turned to me. "Show her, love."

I looked Karen right in her suddenly apprehensive eyes and said, "may I?"

She tensed, then laughed. "I thought being trapped in the Workshop of The Weyland Smith for a day was the most terrifying thing I'd have to face as your Priestess."

"Our Goddess is the embodiment of Terror. Best to get used to it. I certainly have."

Then Siobhan cut in with, "me too," before she started giggling like a madwoman until Marie came over and draped her arms over Siobhan's shoulders like a shawl.

"May I?" I repeated myself.

Karen took a deep breath, blew it out, and said, "yes."

I slipped into her mind, and surprised myself with how natural it felt. Siobhan was way weaker and skinnier than me. Saffron was an absolute shortstack, with tits and ass for days. Marie was all whipcord muscle and tension. But Karen felt more like me; definitely woman, but also definitely somebody who'd worked out until the only excess fat was in the chest region. I rolled her shoulders, then kinda reveled in how comfy the dress was. "Wow," I said with Karen's voice, "who made this?"

My Holy Garb would be why I spent a day in the Workshop of The Weyland Smith.

I blinked a little at that. "He did not strike me as the type to ogle women."

All four of them chuckled at that, Karen doing so inside my head. "He is not, but you are, my love."

"Wait, my adopted son put my Priestess in eye candy clothing like, specifically for me to ogle?"

A moment later Siobhan and Saffron both wore their black dresses. Then they both popped the dress parts off, and Marie prowled around into my line of sight to show me she'd done the same. "He made this dress too, love."

I shook my head. "The Wayland motherfucking Smith is trolling my basic horndog nature."

Saffron snorted. "Unless there's something you haven't told us, that is one appellation that does not apply to him, love. Also, he made the bed. And the toys that go with it."

I blinked. "The bed has toys?" Then I shook my head. "No, no, no, we're getting way off track." I slipped my mind out of Karen, then said, "Okay, so now I want you to do that to me, and show me how you do that Mana Blade of yours."

"You want me to do what?"

"You heard her correctly, Karen. Like this."

I felt the two of them slip inside my mind, then Saffron slip back out. Karen's first word out of my mouth was, "Ow." Followed shortly by, "do you hurt like this all the time, Goddess?"

I shrugged, or at least sent her a mental shrug. Better some days. Worse others. You get used to it.

"Really?"

I keep hoping if I keep telling myself that, I will, but so far? No, not really.

"Oh... Goddess."

No tearing up on me, Karen. Make with the fancy Mana Blade.

I felt her gathering power in my arms; when she pushed it out through my wrists, two eye-searing bright bars of brilliant white light lanced downward, punching two neat holes into the stone of the courtyard.

"Dammit, more holes to fix," muttered Saffron as the Blades winked out.

It took another couple tries for Karen to calibrate her Mana Blade spell to my apparently limitless Mana, at which point they looked a lot more like hers. A little darker at the core, a little brighter around the edges, but that same basic cool two toned look. After another half dozen attempts, I managed to poke another pair of holes into the courtyard, and by lunch time I was able to extrude a pair of Mana Blades of my own without her riding along.

Felt really good when Saffron, instead of bitching at me about the holes in the ground? Had me test my new Blades against the remains of that fuckin' Cold Iron helmet. Had to get Siobhan to heal me when I burned my hands a bit vaporizing some of it.

Worth.