Dear Diary,

Shit fuck goddammit fucking fucker goddamn fucking fuckity fuck. Whoever said swearing reduces stress lied. I still don't feel better. Okay, that's a lie, I feel a little better, but this still sucks.

Yeah, Saffron was right.

Yesterday I spent the morning running laps with the troops, then the afternoon running errands for Loki. I think he was trying to distract me from Saffron's upcoming deployment. It worked for a little bit, but by mid-afternoon I'd gotten a little glum anyhow. He sent me home early, with instructions to spend the rest of the day focused on Saffron. Divine Commands to that effect, even.

No dreams last night. Hard to dream without sleep. No complaints, mind you, but no sleep either.

When Grandma Aetos brought Isnomi back in the morning, we fussed over her, took turns feeding her, then trooped down to breakfast, all of us in uniform.

Speaking of uniforms, remember way back when I first went wandering, the day I met Loki, when I saw the bus bringing the only-marginally-rich-kids to the Academy? I mentioned then that the bus had a gray roof, and speculated on whether the uniforms had a gray hat. No such luck. Metallic gray, apparently. Phileo Heroes in the field, especially during wartime, wear helmets.

I know because Marie brought Saffron hers during breakfast. Along with their normal cartloads of food, the Maids delivered the final piece of the uniform to the Cadets who didn't have their own custom tailored uniforms. I mean, I'm pretty sure Saffron's is custom tailored, but that's 'cause something about the metal bits reminds me of Jon's work, and the lining is way nicer than you'd expect from a one-size-fits-all helmet. The embroidered monogram in the lining was a pretty big clue as well, just in case Marie hand delivering it wasn't enough of one. Despite the rest of the table clamoring for her to put it on, she set it beside her tray and kept eating. When the others got a little insistent, she said, "it's rude to wear a helmet inside. It's not like the Academy is under direct attack at the moment."

Of course that meant once breakfast finished, instead of heading up to class the way we probably should have, we all followed her down to the staging area behind the Academy. I handed Isnomi to her, then stepped back to the room. The Smith stood there, Vulcan's case in hand, a leather carrying strap around it. "I rather thought Mom would be needing this."

I took it from him, then pulled him in for a quick hug. "Thank you, son." Still fuckin' weird to call somebody who looks twice my age and is probably thirty times older than me 'son', but fuck it, I said I'm gonna, so I'm gonna. When I let go, he'd blushed a little bit.

"I'd come say farewell, but I suspect my presence might prove disruptive."

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I nodded, "if you're not comfortable with it, I won't force you. I'll let her know you're thinking of her. If you want to join us, just let me know and I'll come get you." He shook his head and retreated to his workshop. I stepped back to the staging area and handed over Vulcan's case.

Isnomi reached to pat it in passing, hand hovering until I nodded. "Ba bada." She ran one hand along the case, then patted it before reaching for me.

I pulled Saffron in for a kiss; when she stepped away she introduced the men and women in her unit. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is my wife Tabitha and our daughter Isnomi. Tabitha, Isnomi, these are the Volunteers and Sergeant I've been assigned to lead. Volunteers Thomas, Richard, Harold, Gertrude," she nodded to the four hirsute, heavyset Volunteers in the first row who'd armed themselves with shields and spears. "Volunteers Vivian, Taylor, Trion, Darren," her first row of crossbows; also carrying slung spears and shields. "Veteran Mary, Sergeant Victor, Veteran Jack," the second row of bowmen, with a slot just to the left of center waiting for her. "Volunteers Schwartz, Timothy, Saul, and Sandra."

"Good to meet you all. Keep my wife safe, please?" Yeah, kinda lame thing to say, but I couldn't think of anything else.

Sergeant Victor nodded and touched his cap; it looked like some kind of rigid leather. "Don't worry, miss. We'll see her safely there and back again."

Saffron slipped her own helmet on; it covered the top, back, and sides of her head, with a hinged jawpiece that covered her cheeks and chin without obstructing her vision. I understood why; between spellcasting and giving orders, she needed her face and vision clear, but I really wished it covered her face a bit more. Then she stepped up to me, hopping up to sling one arm around my neck and kiss me one last time before heading out. The metal chin guard pressed into my jaw, but I didn't give one solitary shit about that as I wrapped one arm around her and hugged her to me, savoring the taste of her mouth and the tangle of her tongue with mine. Somewhere in a world that didn't matter I heard cheering from her unit and the ROTCs who'd followed us down but nothing broke my focus on Saffron until a clickety clack like dozens of metallic ants climbing over one another came from my other arm, where Isnomi perched.

We broke our liplock to look to the menace, whose tiara had expanded to cover pretty much the same areas as Saffron's helm. "Dadah!" Then she tried to glomp into Saffron's arms.

I held Isnomi back, but she managed to get her arms around Saffron's head, and Saffron hugged her close for a minute before whispering, "I have to go now, my girl. You watch over Momma and keep her safe while I'm gone, and I'll be back before you know it."

Isnomi patted Saffron's cheeks with her palms, nodding, and said, "Ah ga dih, Ma. Ah la va."

Saffron smiled. "I love you too, my girl." She turned to me. "I love you."

"I love you, Saffron Aetos. Come back safe."

She just nodded, stepped to her unit, and ordered them to march to their place in the column of troops already headed for the Boulevard. We watched until she went around the Academy, then I sprinted through the building, Isnomi clutched to my side, charging up the stairs until I got to the roof access. Together Isnomi and I stood on the roof; I pointed out Saffron in the midst of the troops below; though the unit around her blocked most of our view, Vulcan's case stood out enough for us to pick her out of the crowd. We watched, waving, until she passed out of sight when she turned off the Boulevard onto Vine.

I wouldn't cry. I couldn't; I had to keep it together for Isnomi.

A tiny hand touched my cheek, wiped a tear away. "Ma ga, mama. See ga dih."

Fuck.