Dear Diary,

"Please give us a simple answer, so that we don't have to think, because if we think, we might find answers that don't fit the way we want the world to be."

Terry Pratchett, Nation

Damn. Don't think I'd ever heard that quote before. My man Pratchett has some sarcasm, but I can't remember him being quite that savage. Then again, maybe it's just always snuggled in among the hilarious descriptions, or snuggled up with the awesome characters. Eh, probably just me missing shit. All that said, I totally get what he's talking about. Hell, I'm trying to encourage independent thought in my officers and troops and shit almost entirely because I don't want to think, so I even get the reason why people do that shit. Okay, I'm kinda shit at fostering initiative in my guys, but that would be for the same core reason I'm trying to do it; I'm really kinda shit when it comes to thinking. At least in any kind of calm, collected, coherent manner.

So yesterday evening the command staff told me about a Hole Spawn blocking our potential advance tomorrow. "Shit, is the thing hitting our troops?"

"No, Majesty," said Swanson. "If you'll follow me?"

"Lead on, my man!"

It took us like fifteen minutes to reach the big slip drydock thing. When we got there, I saw half a dozen guys making their way down three ladders into the big rectangular hole in the ground. As I watched, one of them slipped and dropped down a rung before catching themselves.

"The fuck?" I muttered, then stepped across to the guy with the fanciest uniform on the far side of the box, at the top of the ladders. "What the fuck are they doing?" I nodded down to the climbing guys.

"Majesty! These brave men and women volunteered!"

"Not what I..." A ripple in the muck at the bottom of the pit caught my eye, and I Co-Located down even as I screamed, "get them out!"

The trooper who'd slipped before lost their grip again, and one of me caught them just before the fuckin' Hole Spawn's claw did. Another one of me landed inside that same claw, braced so it couldn't slam closed. Not fast enough to avoid getting bisected, unfortunately. While two parts of me splashed into the water, I Co-Located to each of the idiots on the ladders and grabbed them, stepping up and dropping them half a dozen feet beyond the side of the pit. Then I collapsed all of me next to Mister Fancy Uniform and screamed, "what the fuck were you thinking?"

He took half a step back, stuttering, "I... I... but..."

I stopped and took a deep breath, holding up a hand for silence. I looked down as the sounds of scrabbling came from inside the drydock; the Hole spawn scrabbled its way about ten feet up the side of the dock, then the moment its back feet left the ground, it toppled over backward. The moment it did, the troops surged forward.

"STOP!" My scream echoed through and out of the drydock, and I wound up having to Co-Locate and grab another pair of idiots who took headers off the slippery edge. Amplifying my voice, I screamed out, "GET THE FUCK BACK FROM THE EDGE!"

I Co-Located a line of me around the edge of the drydock, Blades out, glaring at the idiots as they scrambled backwards. After I had them all backed away far enough that nobody would accidentally tempt fate into applying death by muck and spawn, I retracted my Blades and shook my heads. "Look, guys, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you..."

"My men are not..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I screamed in his face, and the fucker shut the fuck up, because he wasn't a complete idiot. Then he fell over in a dead faint, and I had to keep his annoying ass from sliding into the fucking drydock. "Cheese and rice, you guys need OSHA." I scanned the crowd, and none of them seemed like they wanted to argue with me. I heaved a sigh and tried again. "I'm sorry, guys, I'm more pissed at your boss here," I held up fancy uniform and waved him around. "Than I am at you guys." I shook my head. "Hell, I'm not even really that pissed at any of you, even him." I tossed him over to some of his buddies, then said, "I've been trying to get this across to you guys, but let's make it really clear. If you see something like this?" I waved at the Hole Spawn, which had opened its raggedy-assed wings, gotten about five feet off the ground, then slammed back into the muck. "Call me the fuck in. Talk to the guys in sus alley." I watched as they all looked at one another, confused. "That one fuckin' alley the Undead kept attacking? Yeah, talk to those guys. I'm not gonna get pissed at you for calling me in."

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

They all just stared at me. "Guys?" They didn't get any less confused, but when all of me put my hands on my hips and stood there cocking my head at them, I definitely had their attention. "I just don't want you guys getting hurt if you don't have to. Okay? You're my guys. I want you all coming home at the end of this. Okay?" I swear, I never thought I'd have to put on the fuckin' uwu magic girlie chan eyes to get people to stop being stupid, but here we fuckin' are.

"So, can you guys please stay safe for me?"

"YEAH!"

I very carefully did not facepalm, instead smiling serenely at them, and holding up one hand to stop the sudden surge of soppy idiots from trying to hug me while I stood on the sloppy slippery edge. Thankfully they weren't quite stupid enough to drop us all into the fuckin' pit with the Hole Spawn.

I waved Swanson over, and when he stepped up I asked, "can you station some Jotnar to watch over this little fucker? He can't seem to get out, and I've got an idea."

He frowned. "I was hoping to open up the floodgates and bring some supplies in here, since the docks proper are a bit far now, and the docks near here have mostly rotted into uselessness."

"Can it wait a day or two?"

He sighed. "I'm not happy about having one of those behind our lines, but... it does appear trapped, and the Jotnar should be able to keep it contained if it finds some purchase on the walls."

I nodded. "Thanks, Swanson. You're a bro. Marie and I will stick around until you get those Jotnar up here, okay?"

He nodded, and Marie Co-Located next to each of me on the cordon. We sat there until the Jotnar arrived, and by that point some of the troops around us had found some rope and wood and built an actual little rope fence. I realized the guys here at the drydock were actually a bunch of our Undead Killers, and all of a sudden the extra testosterone made a lot more sense.

Once everything looked more or less under control, with Olga herself moving forward to take charge and make sure none of these idiots offed themselves or each other, I stepped home with Marie, then slid open the armoire and the door in its back. "Son?"

I jumped as he dropped down from above, and his grin spread to his fuckin' ears. "Yes, mother?"

"You wanted a Hole Spawn, right?"

He frowned, "I would like one, but working with dead materials is always so... limiting."

I smiled at him, "guess what?"

His smile returned, hope lighting in his eyes, making it look almost real. "Really?"

I nodded. "Yep. Only problem is getting it back here. I don't think we have a ship other than the Black Dragon that could do it safely, and even she might have some problems. But... remember what you did with our rooms?"

He looked thoughtful. "That does take some preparation, Mother dearest."

"Can you have it ready to go some time tomorrow?"

He pondered a moment. "Is it inside of a building of some kind?"

"Nah. Drydock. Sides are too slick for it to get out. Open top though."

He frowned again.. "It hasn't flown out?"

"Nope. Wings are broken. Dunno how it happened, but they're all fucked up."

"Pity. The soonest I could be ready to open a door into my Workshop would be just after sunset tomorrow, and it would be extremely helpful if you could remain at the site tomorrow, to help me calibrate."

I thought about it. "All of me?"

"Oh, no. Just one will do, although I'd prefer you stay relatively still. Within a few paces in any direction."

I nodded. "Can do. Thanks, son."

"Oh, no, Mother dearest. Thank you!"

I gave him a quick mom-hug, then stepped out, motioning to the door. He nodded, so I slid it shut and stepped back to Lancaster House, where Menace and Saffron waited next to the bath. Right about then I realized the stench from the drydock hadn't gone away. It wasn't anything like the awful shit from last time, but I still sighed and sat my ass down in the tub. Fortunately, whatever Marie had found last time worked a treat, and before long the four of us stumbled out, squeaky clean, into a room full of sleeping kids. I yoinked the mattress down, and we all settled in for a good night's sleep.

Mimic danced with her Kraken and nommed chibi-Chefs with a modicum of restraint. She still looked at that one tentacle like it stank, though.

Today was surprisingly quiet. More fighting, because the Undead Killer squads had finally gotten to the Undead which had been waiting in the distance, but nothing the guys couldn't handle with the slow, systematic extermination I'd told them I wanted.

Meanwhile Marie and I both sat atop Black Dragon's mast, watching for flags and flares, while another pair of us watched the fuckin' Hole Spawned crab creep around in the muck.

At least none of the fuckers were dumb enough to make me go swimming with the fuckin' thing again.