Dear Diary,

Y'know, the more I think about it, the more I realize that 'being an adult' is pretty frequently 'not doing' rather than 'doing'.

Seriously, though. Not taking someone's hand off when they reach for my eggs. Not hunting down Gods for after dinner mints just because I could. Not duct taping the menace into her toddler bed when I wanted some hanky panky time. Not slaughtering every man, woman, and child from Calverton who survived Apollo's poor aim because I was a little bit scared, a scooch startled, and a fuckton pissed off. If I really thought about it, I suppose I could think of examples from other people as well. Doc Roberts not punishing a student who called them on their own scared bullshit. Lancaster not letting himself skimp on his own values, no matter how fucked up those might be. Headmaster Miles not just expelling the dumb bitch who fucked his school up on the regular. Marshall duBois not hitting on the chick who tried to suffocate him with her crotch... and maybe flirted with him unconsciously without really thinking about it.

Funny. I remember one of my teachers back at Eastside saying something once. When he told a student that he needed to settle down and focus on the day's lesson, the kid replied by screaming, "I'm an adult, I do what I want!"

The teacher just shook his head, sighed, and said, "I really do try to treat you all like adults, hoping you'll act that way, but what you just said is the most childish statement I've heard in a while."

The guy kind of spluttered, but it intrigued me, so I leaned forward on my desk, squished my tits together so they bulged in my cleavage, batted my eyelashes at him and said, "what do you mean?"

He rolled his eyes and said, "first, children think that adults do what they want. Adults, on the other hand, know that adults do what they have to do, to the point that most of them don't have the time or energy to do anything they want when they're done. Second, Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball."

I laughed, mostly because the thought that adults didn't do whatever the fuck they wanted sounded hilarious to me, but also because I'd scored that subtle, 'yes, yes, you're very sexy, now get back to work' point for the day, so I could count it as a win and move on. Right. You have met me, right? I totally let the laugh enhance my jiggle physics and said, "you really sure about that?"

He sighed, shook his head, and turned back to the board to write some more 'if you don't know what to put in your notes, write this' notes on the board. "Yes to both, Tabitha. Please don't make me repeat myself. You know I'm an awful old man who will likely die of asphyxiation if I do anything like that."

It wasn't until, like, a year later that I realized how deftly he'd managed me. Like, not in any kinda bad way. He hadn't ignored me flirting with him. He'd acknowledged it, turned me down politely with a side order of self-deprecating humor, and used my now-obvious appetite for shenanigans, along with my still hard to accept budding infatuation as a lever to shove more actual real-world useful knowledge into my brain. Shit, now that I thought about it, he even slid a joke about him dying of terminal Tabitha titty overdose if he didn't say 'no' in there as well. Shit, the more I thought about it, the more I realized he'd done that with me and other delinquents in his class over and over and over again. Fuck, I think that's why so many of us liked him. He didn't just chuck us out, he just did some kind of weird mental Judo to get us to learn shit without realizing we were doing it.

Y'know? Maybe that's another part of Adulting, one that I hoped I'd be able to do someday. I mean, everybody understands that Adults Protect Kids, right? Protect, teach, nurture, all that good shit. But nobody seems to get that in a perfect world, Adultier Adults do the same thing for Less Adulty Adults, especially the ones just out of the chrysalis of puberty who have just started Adulting. I... did not look forward to that. Especially if it included anybody who wasn't my own kid, because fuck if I know how I've avoided Just Happening to anybody but Saffron and Marie. I'm really not sure how I'd respond to some barely not a kid who shoved her tits in my face. Or his pecs. Or, y'know, any other body parts, because part of my own Journey to Adulting has been recognizing that my fucked up brain can sexualize anything even vaguely related to a human body part, let alone an actual, y'know, body part.

Part of me wanted to confront duBois and ask him exactly how the fuck he managed to do that shit. Two other parts of me were having a knock down drag out fight over being terrified or titillated by the thought of Just Happening to him right there in his office. Or the hallway, because let's face it, I've long since killed any shame residing in me about my body or sex harder than I killed fuckin' Sengann. The final part of me? The quiet one which just stared at the other three parts until we settled down and were ready to listen, a slight, knowing smile on her face the whole time? Realized his answer without even asking. You just did it. Without hurting them if you could manage it. Without hurting yourself either, if you could do that too. Somehow, if you could pull it off? Do it in a way that teaches them to do the same, only better and less painfully than you did.

Fuck me. Adulting is some fucked up shit sometimes.

Deep thoughts today. Probably because the past two days have been stepping hard on the physical gas, but not really engaging my brain much. Slept well last night, while Mimic dreamt of stargazing and stench again. Hopefully now that we had a plan for how to deal with that Saffron could put it into play. I supposed I'd have to pitch in at some point, but hopefully it would wind up being something more like hunting Arse Priests with Marie than trying to Cure a whole fucking City at once.

I woke up to a pleasantly squishy weight on my chest, and opened my eyes to look up into Saffron's eyes. After we gave each other's tonsils a thorough tongue-cleaning, she pulled back and said, "you're so... you... when you sleep."

I lifted an eyebrow. "The fuck?"

She sighed and smiled. "My favorite thing about you, and given how many things about you I adore that's saying something, is how uninhibited you are. Unashamed. Unfiltered." She took a deep breath, frowning as if taking herself to task, then smiling with a tiny giggle. "To put it plainly in an attempt to emulate what I adore most about you? How honest you are."

I grinned up at her. "You're telling the Champion, Daughter, and High Priestess of Loki that she's Honest?" I clapped my hands behind her and rubbed them ostentatiously so she could tell what I was doing without looking. "Muah. Ha. Ha. You have fallen for my nefarious plot!"

She booped my nose. Then kissed it, then booped it again. "Oh, Goof. We both know that Monday was a fluke and your most complicated 'plot' has to do with finding a way to distract our little Menace for a few hours without me or Marie being involved in the distraction."

I pouted. "Pfft. You're no fun."

She wriggled a little. When my eyes uncrossed, she booped my nose again. "We both know exactly how much fun you find me. I seem to even recall you referring to me as 'fun-sized' on multiple occasions."

I gave her my best 'shifty-eyed' look. "Uh... you heard that?"

She smiled at me. "Don't worry, love."

"Because you're not mad?"

Her smile slowly melted into one of her most terrifying Grins. "Oh, no. Even as I find it adorable, charming, even a little attractive? It also infuriates me. But don't worry. It all goes on the ledger, and some day in the future when we have more than a momentary respite? I will clear that ledger in full."

"Why am I not sure whether I should be too scared to think, or too turned on to think?"

Her laugh rang through the room, and Marie purred as she slid around us. "Oh, beloved Goof. That's because your simple Goof brain is incapable of comprehending the fact that you should absolutely lose your mind to both at once."

"Oh, shit."

As she snickered, Marie chuckled as well. Right up until Saffron turned to look her in the eyes and said, "that goes for you as well, you realize?" Marie's sudden frozen subsonic shivering made the whole bed vibrate with her lust and terror in equal amounts. I couldn't help it, I laughed my ass off. Saffron looked back at me and said, "no longer terrified?"

I shook my head. "I know I should be, and I am, but I know I don't need to be, so I'm not."

"Forgive me, but please enlighten me as to how even your enormous cranium can hold that much cognitive dissonance?"

I booped her nose with my own, then said, "I know you, and I trust you." When her eyebrow rose, I explained further. "I might wreck someone's shit, but I'm gonna do it, get it done, and yeah, I'll probably enjoy the fuck out of it even if I don't want to admit that to myself most of the time. But you? You're gonna meticulously plan that shit out. I might leave some portion of shit unwrecked, but you? You're going to systematically wring every bit of ruination out of someone, until when you're done there's not going to be anything wreckable left to wreck."

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

"And you are not afraid why?"

I kissed the tip of her nose. "Because I trust you. I trust you way more than I trust myself, really. When you set about to wreck my shit? You will wreck it absolutely as much as it needs to be wrecked, and not one iota more. Also? Because you say I should be both, and we both know that no amount of 'getting wrecked' is going to turn me off of 'meticulously planned Saffron shenanigans'."

She just smiled warmly down at me, even as Marie rumbled the bed around us. "You realize, of course, that my mild frustration with your acceptance of your fate will only push me to ever greater levels of depravity in my vengeance?"

"So I should be even more of both?"

"Yes."

"Then I'll be both." When she pouted just the tiniest bit, I laughed and said, "c'mon, Kitten. You know me. Logic? Planning? All that other left-brain shit? Yeah, I can do it, but at heart I'm a straight up right brain girl. I'm supposed to feel two contradictory emotions? I'm gonna revel in that shit as long as I can."

I knew I'd got it right when she scooched down just a touch and lay her head down on my chest, purring almost as much as Marie. I lay there, one arm draped over Saffron, the other under Marie's head, and just enjoyed everything being right with the world for a while. For the barest moment, even knowing that Saffron never said anything without meaning exactly what she said, which meant I ought to be so terrified I pissed myself, was just another piece of transcendental rightness to the world.

Then our Menace burst into the room. "Ma! Mama! Mawa! Beffas! Beffas!" She'd managed to dress herself, even down to her ties and boots.

"Very well, my girl. Let us get dressed first."

That's when Isnomi stopped, scrunched her eyes into a squint, sniffed the air while tasting it with the tip of her tongue, then nodded once. A moment later we all lay there fully dressed.

"Holy shit, Menace! That's awesome! How long have you been working on how to do that?"

She shrugged, without words communicating exactly how little thought she was willing to give to my question, then grabbed Saffron and I each by a boot and tugged. "Beffas! Beffas!" We both scooched our way to the end of the bed, then got upright. The moment our boots hit the floor, I nearly pissed myself as Menace grabbed Marie's tail with both hands and tugged, still hollering, "Beffas! Beffas!"

I didn't even see Marie move. One second Isnomi tugged on her tail, the next Marie crouched on the end of the bed, Menace dangling from one five-point-harness grip, growling at a register that made me need to clench my sphincters to avoid needing to change my pants. A moment later I had to stifle my laughter as our little Menace growled back in that same fucking register, then barked out, "BREFFAS!" Marie blinked once, smiled, then head-bunted the Menace before setting her on the floor and standing to hover over the three of us.

I scooped her up, put an arm around Saffron, leaned back into Marie and fell backwards into my seat at the Dining Hall. Marie commandeered a few trays of food to throw in front of the Menace, who started power-nomming at a pace that even had me gawping. Eventually the rest of the Maids let the rest of the Academy in, and though the reactions varied from a couple of the old Barbie Brigade holdouts making moues of distaste to Angel straight up cheering her on, not a single person in the Dining Hall could miss the Menace packing away food like some kind of adorable vacuum cleaner. Best off all, in my book? Even if it made Saffron blush and facepalm? When the Maids started collecting shit indicating breakfast was done, Menace looked straight at the Barbie holdouts and belched for a solid ten seconds straight.

When she finished, without moving her hands Saffron said, "what do we say, my girl?"

Without looking away from the holdout Barbies, Isnomi said, "fuggahs."

While Saffron just gaped at our offspring, I snapped my fingers in front of her face. "Oi! Mini-bitch! Two things!" When she looked up at me, eyes wide, I continued, "first, from now on before you use a word that contains or even sounds like an Adult Word, you ask one of us first, got it? No penalty this time, but next time? Grounded." She blinked, looked a little sheepish, and nodded. "Second, the words you're supposed to say after any burp, or fart, or big body sound? 'Excuse me'."

"Cuse me?" she echoed. At my nod, she turned to the Barbies. "Eckscuse me!"

I couldn't help it, I laughed. Eventually Saffron did too. A couple minutes later, after hugs and kisses to see Marie and Isnomi off on their day of carting and Marie things, Saffron and I stood in the Library. After Doc DeLeon gave us a quick introductory lecture about how while many Laws in Phileo City and Camden Yards were identical, as they'd been enacted after Camden Yards became a de facto client state, the differing Customs in each City altered the interpretations of those Laws. He even used the word 'precedent', which I actually knew the meaning of before he explained it to everyone else. Go me, right?

Then Sister Cheryl stepped up. "Before you begin your independent work for the day, I have an announcement." She looked at me, and I gave her a tiny head shake. She replied with an even tinier nod, then said, "thanks to the intercession of a High Priestess of Loki who wishes to remain otherwise anonymous, the missing copy of Law and Custom of Phileo has been returned, and as such all Cadets may now receive extra credit for creating legible, complete copies of that book of Law and Custom."

Of course Cadet Smith piped up with, "oh, please, we all know Loki only has one High Priestess."

Couldn't leave it like that. I shook my head as I looked at her and said, loud enough the whole Library could hear, "nope. Loki's got High Priestess Pesce from Camden Yards now, too."

Before she could reply, Loki's voice sounded in my head. She has been joined by Ora Orange of New Amsterdam, Antony Pesce of Newark, and Marylin Calvert of Calverton.

Oh. Oh, shit, Boss. I'm sorry, I didn't even think about, y'know, recruiting and shit.

Laughter, absolute uncontrolled hilarity in auditory form, echoed through my head. Only you, my daughter.

Huh?

Only you would apologize for failing to recruit new Clergy after demonstrating my power and protection with such impact that believers who saw you spontaneously spent days reaching out to me, begging to devote themselves to me.

Devote?

Of course, daughter. Worship would be so... gauche, don't you think?

I laughed out loud in the sudden silence in the library, then said, "sorry, sorry, I've just been informed that there are now High Clergy of Loki in Calverton, Newark, and New Amsterdam. So, y'know, could have been any of us."

Wait, did you say Ora Orange?

Indeed. Her sister is livid, but given that High Priestess Orange now commands five Clergy, a growing congregation, and a newly dedicated temple which includes living quarters, there is little Ophelia can do about it, even from her elevated position of High Councilor.

I blinked a little, then thought, Good for her? Um... you said Calvert, didn't you?

I did indeed. Bringing my total High Clergy of ruling houses of their Cities to two. Still far behind my blood brother, but the fact that I have any at all has, as you would put it, his panties in a bunch.

I let out a relieved breath. Oh good. I was about to ask if Antony Pesce was, like, secret heir to the throne of Newark or some shit like that.

No, dear daughter. He is a simple fisherman, albeit a hardworking one. No known relation to High Priestess Pesce, other than their family trade.

Wait, doesn't 'pesce' mean 'fish'?

It does indeed. As God of Fishermen, I find it particularly fitting that two of my new High Clergy are themselves fishermen.

Ah, shit. Am I gonna have to back him up like Momma Driver does George?

His chuckle was warm and comforting in my brain. No, daughter. While his background is simple, he is... not... a retiring... sort. That's all he got out before he broke down in gales of laughter.

Okay, Boss. Out with it. I know you wanna tell me.

I got the distinct impression he was wiping his eyes, and I sort of heard the echoes of Sigyn's laughter as well. Not least amongst Ophelia Orange's points of outrage was her nine year old sister wearing the garb of my High Clergy.

I thought about that for a second, then thought, uh, you know the whole problem my world had with 'toddler beauty pageants', right Boss?

Suddenly serious, he replied, I do, and trust that should any seek to sexualize her before she reaches her majority and can choose such things for herself? She is my High Priestess, and I watch over her. The only question as to their fate would be which of us got to the miscreant first. You, Me, her Clergy, her followers, or Antony. At my quizzical emotion, he explained, the cut of Ora's dress is slightly less exposing than yours. A little longer on the short side of the skirt. Not to mention that even with Spring arriving, she will be wearing outer garments should it be windy. Ophelia still attempted to object strenuously to her attire until Antony, who by the way has daughters himself, showed up and asked her exactly why Ophelia objected to her sister wearing the garb of my High Clergy.

What the fuck was he wearing?

The garb of my High Clergy, of course. In the, ah, more traditional cut and style, as worn most frequently by my Priestess High set above all others. As the image formed in my head, Loki overwrote it with what I assumed was Antony Pesce himself. He would have fit right in with those 'high muscle to brain cell ratio' guidos I'd recruited for Saffron's front line. Only hairier. Way hairier. Like, 'probably should have shaved a circle around his neck, so he didn't get mistaken for a gorilla or yeti or sasquatch or some shit' hairier. Almost hairy enough that, in a still image, it was hard to see exactly how... blessed he'd been in other areas.

I literally stumbled and fell to the ground, laughing my goddamned ass off. How... what... fuck... say?

Loki, with a warm smile I could hear in his voice, replied, his exact words were, 'the fuck you say about my Sister's dress?'

Oh. Oh god. Oh, god, thank you, Boss. You're the best.

I know. As do so many more, now that you've shown them.

I levered myself back to my feet, looked around and said, "sorry, everyone. My Boss tells the best jokes." I turned to Sister Cheryl and said, "if it's okay, I'm gonna go back to the copy room upstairs and get to work?"

"Of course, Cadet Diaz."

I stepped Saffron and I to the shelves to collect a single copy of Law and Custom of Phileo, helped her pick out a couple other books on Camden Yards customs, gathered up my copy materials and, after Mineral Bonding the door shut, un-Blended and settled in to copying.

Would have been prouder about finishing my first full copy of 'Law and Custom of Phileo', especially with Saffron rewarding me with some intense snogging despite my furry state, until she shyly handed me what she'd put together.

The first and, at this point, only copy of 'Law and Custom of Camden Yards'.

How the fuck does she wind up making me feel so proud, insignificant, and low key terrified and horny all at the same time?