Dear Diary,

"Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened."

Terry Pratchett - Moving Pictures

It's never the things you expect that blindside you. Which is kinda 'duh', but still, it's true.

So yesterday after the universe screwed with my sense of everything by having the assault on Calverton's docks go pretty much exactly according to plan, and Marie and Saffron and I screwed everything back into place so we could function more or less normally through the latter half of the day, we spent the rest of the day doing administrivia. Housekeeping shit, really, which meant for the afternoon we were all Maids, we just didn't get the sexy uniform. Well, okay, what with us each having official 'Holy Garb', we did, but that's not the same as, y'know, that Maid thing. No idea why that's hot, it just is.

By the time we all got home, none of us were in the mood to party, not even therapeutically, so we all just stripped and collapsed on the floor. One of Marie stayed upright long enough to hang Menace's hang glider up, but even Marie didn't have the get up and go to put our laundry anywhere but where we'd dropped it. After spending a little bit of time lying there just barely in contact with one another, we'd cooled off to the point we could snuggle up and fall asleep.

Chibi chef Marie took the lead of the sous chefs, all of them yeeting shrimp while Mimic danced with the psychedelic psychotropic tadpoles coating the Bay. She still wouldn't touch the docks, and her bitching about the big uncomfortable rock in the middle of the Bay didn't let up in the slightest. Still, it was pretty, I dunno, itchy. Like a rock covered in sharp pointy bits that had laid out in the sun all day. Also, even if most of it rose straight up, Calverton still stank like rotting meat.

Woke up to Menace looking at me again. The moment my eyes opened, she started up with, "fye?"

I chuckled a little. "Not today, Menace. Gotta pay attention to what's going on down in Calverton now. Maybe tomorrow or Saturday, okay?"

That got a little bit of a pout, but we had stayed out all day yesterday. Honestly, I think she needed some napping today, because before her pout got too whiny, her face split open in a huge yawn. "Did you sleep okay, sweetie?"

"Yah. Ahm..." She interrupted herself with another huge yawn. "Na tired."

"Okay. Everybody ready for breakfast?"

"Mmm kay," muttered Saffron, still taste testing the world.

I rolled up off the floor and set Isnomi on her butt with her legs dangling off the desk, then pulled out one of her uniforms and dressed her up. Something deep inside still caught feels when I saw the little 'Aetos-Diaz' nametag on her jacket breast. I swear, it's the little things that get you.

Once I had her dressed, I took the time to pull on The Dress and her boots. At a sleepy yet pointed frown from Isnomi, I laughed and pulled on my silk panties, then hefted her onto my hip. "You two ready?"

After another minute of getting things just so, we all walked down to the Dining Hall. Yeah, there were faster ways, but sometimes it's nice to take things slow and have some time with the family.

When we got there, a corncake and tortilla greeted each of us, but we also had a tray of spicy eggs, some jalapeno scrapple, and some sausages. Hard sausages rather than the breakfast ones I expected, but honestly that wasn't a big problem for me. I set a pair next to my plate and tucked in. Isnomi cleaned up her tortilla, her corncake, most of Saffron's tortilla, and was halfway through my tortilla when she just sorta flopped over into it face first. I just nudged her face around to make sure she could breathe, then finished feeding all available corncake to Saffron. "She needs the food to grow, but I swear I'm going to wind up fat if you keep feeding me like this."

"Oh. No. Not more squish on my Saffron. Whatever. Will I. Do?"

She laughed. "You realize if I gain too much weight I might not fit in this dress."

"Like Conrad can't make alterations. If it's not self-altering or some similar shit."

She tilted her head. "You really don't care, do you?"

"Nope. Gonna fuck the shit out of you every chance I get while you're young and perky and limber, though."

She frowned. "You mean we're going to stop once I'm old and saggy and sore?"

"Pfft. As if. If you don't get tired of me leaving you too sore to walk every day I'm still gonna do it then. Fair warning." From down at the end of the table, Raven snorted. "Not gonna tell us to go get a room?"

She shrugged. "Eh. You're not being sappy, just horny. I can tolerate that."

I thought about taunting her with some of the shit I'd done down in Norfolk, but then Isnomi stirred, and I decided that could wait for some time when we didn't have little pitchers with big ears. "Cool cool. Marie, can you take our sleeping princess for the day?"

"Yes."

"Cool. I'm off to work, Kitten."

She motioned me toward her, and when I leaned over she gave me a sticky sweet sloppy kiss. When I pulled away, she licked her lips and said, "a little bit of flavor for the road."

I rolled my eyes, laughed, snagged my sausages, and stepped down to the deck of the Black Dragon. Swanson joined me shortly thereafter. "Majesty, as you commanded yesterday, we've fortified all approaches to the docks, every unit has simplified signal flags, the Heroes and Jarls are in teams and shifts, and we're prepared to 'leapfrog' in as you've commanded."

I nodded. "Set it off as soon as you're ready."

He nodded, took half a step, then stopped. "If I may ask?"

"Hit me."

"Why?'

"Why what?"

It took him a moment. "Why didn't we push forward? We had the initiative."

"Two big reasons, and if neither pans out, it's on me." When he nodded, I continued. "First of all, that whole 'strike while the enemy is reeling' thing only works against troops that worry about morale. Did any of the Undead break?"

"No, Majesty. They stood and fought."

"Yep. Thought so. We lose anybody?"

He shook his head. "Between our numbers and our quality advantage, while we took some casualties who are resting below, we've had no fatalities as of yet."

"There's part of the other part. We're never going to win a war of attrition, or a war of endurance. If we burn through all our energy and kill ninety percent of the undead, the remaining ten percent won't hesitate because all their friends are gone. They'll just come at us while we're trying to rest, then kill enough of us to restore their numbers, and then we're power fucked. No, the way to beat these guys is to go in, each and every day, and kill off as many as we can without tiring out or getting cut off or any shit like that. Yeah, locally, in the moment, we gotta overpower them, wreck their shit, but long term we've got to make sure that we're losing as few people as possible, and that we always have fighters ready to step up and fight, because the moment enough of us are tired? They will absolutely come in all at once and wreck our shit."

He blew out a huge lungful of air. "You make this sound more like harvesting than battle."

"No shit. It's a job. Yeah, there will be moments of Glory. We'll hit their fallen Heroes, and I'm especially not looking forward to facing their Mages. But for most of them? The walking dead who used to be cooks and cobblers and shit? We just gotta cut them down, one at a time, like felling trees. And just like felling trees, we gotta be careful, or someone's gonna get a log shoved up their ass."

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

"I... don't think that actually happens to lumberjacks, Majesty."

"Hell of an image, though, ain't it?"

He smiled. "I suppose so. Well. I'll be about it, then?"

"Yep. Marie and I are going to the tower for overwatch. One of us will let the reserves know if we see a yellow flag. If we see a red flag, we'll be there."

"Yes, Majesty." He saluted, fist to chest, then walked off to the bridge, where they'd set up a kind of semaphore on the roof. I climbed up to the top of the forward tower, Marie right behind me, and set to scanning for flags. This conquest was turning out to be boring as shit.

Which was absolutely the way I wanted it. Seriously. I had enough excitement watching Menace fly and enough surprises with Kitten urging Marie to experiment. This was my first time commanding a military action, and if the whole fuckin' thing went into the books as the most boring military action ever, I would order tubs of honey to bathe in before throwing myself at Saffron to celebrate.

If everything went according to plan, most of the retaking of Calverton would be an extermination, not a battle, running or otherwise.

Of course, I knew about plans and the enemy, which is why Marie and I were on overwatch. The moment our Heroic guys hit something they couldn't stomp, we'd go in, stomp it flat, and let our boys paint the lines. Or the moment our troops defending our ever-less-hasty fortifications saw something coming they weren't absolutely certain they could execute without casualties, we'd do the same.

So Marie and I watched. By mid-morning, she'd braced herself and I'd leaned back into her, my eyes full of Calverton, my nose full of the sea and Marie's fuzzy musk, my ears teased by the faint sounds of wind and wave against the hull.

Daughter, you're needed.

What's up, Boss?

I felt a hand in mine. You're needed NOW.

I handed Marie the binoculars and said, "I'll be right back," then tugged on the hand. The next moment I stood in M-Space.

A shadowy silhouetted figure stood before me, oddly familiar. Blend before moving to the Mortal Realm.

I pushed my Blend up until when I moved, the silhouette didn't track me, then stepped across. I stood in a small, dim room, the windows curtained and shuttered, the heat oppressive. A dozen robed and masked people stood facing one end of the room, where a pair of robed figures helped a decrepit elderly person lay back onto a table.

No, not a table, I realized, as a woman in a dress twin to Glowing Midnight stepped up, a long, thin blade in hand. As I looked at it, I realized it wasn't so much a 'blade' as a stiletto, more point and spike than edge. After a moment more I realized it wasn't reflecting light, it glowed slightly. Barely an Enchantment, nothing to make it a more effective weapon, just enough to make it glow in the darkened room. The hilt looked really odd until I realized it wasn't a hilt, but a handle, letting the spike and point emerge from between the Priestess' knuckles.

From that angle, in the dim room, it bore a surprising resemblance to a very silent Mana Blade.

I almost leapt when she laid the Blade along the sacrifice to be's torso, the tip above her heart. Wait, Daughter.

This bitch is about to sacrifice...

Listen!

"Are you certain?"

The old person on the altar, so old I couldn't tell even from their voice whether they were a man or a woman, wheezed out "Yes."

"That none might question, please, say why."

The ancient nodded, grimacing as they did, then croaked out. "I hurt. Always, waking and sleeping. It eats me, moment by moment."

The Priestess nodded, but asked, "you cannot wait for Her?"

The old one wobbled their head back and forth. "There will be nothing left of me for Her if pain eats all of me away."

Another nod. "We have offered you Healing?"

"Tried. You tried. Can't. Just... old."

I could heal her.

Perhaps. Perhaps not. She is older than she looks. Time itself has worn her down, and even if you healed all the damage her failing body has done to itself, it would only start once more the moment you turned away.

I... I could make her young again.

Would you do that for everyone?

I... I don't think I could.

So you would single her out? Why?

Sweat dripped down my face in the heat. Fuck, Boss. What can I do?

You can accept, and carry her home.

I don't know the way.

I am here for you, Daughter. I will help as you need it.

I nodded, then stepped up to the table, my Blend still keeping me the ghost of a breeze across masked, sweating faces.

The Priestess had the Blade in her hand, the point resting against the old person's chest as they wheezed out, "I, Aiden Miller, give my life to Mimic."

"May she know your Soul as her own." The Priestess' arm tensed, and before she could move my hand lashed out, grabbed hers. She shoved, and my hand moved about as much as it would have holding the Menace up. Less, probably. I leaned over to put my lips next to the old... Aiden's ear and whispered, "Sleep." pushing Mana and Will behind my words as I did. Aiden's eyes fluttered closed, breath streamed and steamed. I reached out, scooped her Soul up, and stepped to M-Space, the land of Souls.

I dropped my Blend as the old woman blinked, her form shifting as I watched, the years falling away until I held someone not much older than me. She shook her head, looked at me again, and laughed. "It's you."

I smiled. "It's me."

That got a laugh. "Fuckin' Oranges would shit a brick sideways if they knew."

I laughed with her, ephemeral tentacles more real than anything else in M-Space lifting us both up through a dark forest of their kin until we emerged, miles in the air, sun brilliant overhead, wind whipping across what looked almost like an endless field of flowing black grass. "Yeah, prolly would."

"Is this... is this where I end up?" She looked around. "Little bit lonely, but it's beautiful."

I looked around. I guess it kinda was. Simple, but not awful. Of course, she didn't notice how the 'grass' didn't move with the breeze, but slowly shifted to carry everything south and west to where I knew a maw big enough to suck down the Hudson waited. Something told me that unlike the endless Saffrons, Maries, and sous chefs, Aiden wouldn't wind up getting yeeted and eated more than once. I smiled at her. "Yeah, it is pretty, but it's not really safe for you. M... I'm maybe a little more than a little hungry."

She froze, then shook her head. "Now?"

I might have smirked a little at her. "Always."

She nodded. "It was a good life. Well, except that part at the end. That sucked. Okay, growing up on the streets of Newark sucked. Working in a bakery in the summer sucked ass, hard, because the smell of sweat sure as shit overcame the smell of bread and pie." She glanced down my front. "Always nice to have somebody who likes a good pie, though." Then she sighed. "Guess I get et one last time, huh?"

I laughed, tilting my head. "Is that really what you want? I mean, I don't have much in the way of an afterlife set up yet, but..."

"You're hungry?"

The smell of her, sweat and sweet in equal portions, wafted across me and my stomach rumbled. "Always."

"But you'd still give me up?"

I shrugged, thinking about my urges while talking some of them out. "Call it giving you as much time as you need to be who you need to be in the afterlife. You can always decide getting eaten one last time is what you want. Or maybe you'll find something else to be. Someone else to be. I'm still a little iffy on the whole reincarnation thing, but if I figure that out, I guess you could do that too."

"You would." She slipped free of my arms, knelt at my feet, kissed my hands, even as the grass tugged us around and tried to drag her away from me. "Forgive me, Goddess, but I would have... more time?"

I nodded, then scooped her into my arms. Boss?

A hand laced fingers through mine, and when I stepped forward we stood in front of a huge, gloomy, gray long house surrounded by thousands upon thousands of gray buildings, themselves surrounded by a gray moor under a gray sky. In the distance a huge gray boat lay moored to a gray dock extending into a gray, vaguely stormy sea.

I recognized the woman from Heracles' party standing in the door to the long house. "Father told me you were coming."

I nodded. "Lady Hel. Did he tell you who I am?"

She cocked her head. "His Champion and Highest Priestess?"

I think I smirked. "Yeah. Let's go with that. Um... has he brought anybody here recently?"

"Not... exactly?" When I raised an eyebrow she said, "Souls have been guided in. Not by him, nor by any I recognize."

"Not Valkyrie?"

She spat on the stones. "Those bitches wouldn't dirty their lungs with my air. Not that I'd let them."

"Fair. Not really my lookout at the moment, but... they aren't a problem?"

She shrugged again. "No more than any others. Less than most."

"So it's okay if she stays?" I looked down, and realized the only splashes of color were The Dress and Aiden's Soul, which grayed a bit while I watched. Hel nodded, but I had a new problem, it looked like. "Well. Shit. Do you like it this gray?"

She snorted. "What God or Goddess of the Sun would deign to lighten my domain?"

"Have you asked?"

She towered over me in that instant. "Who would you have me beg, then? Sol? Elatha? Apollo?"

I stood straight and unbowed in the face of her anger. "No begging. But, y'know, you asking for a touch of the sun, a nice one, would make it clear you wouldn't consider it some kind of attack."

"Should some deity of sky see fit to brighten my domain? Without lighting it on fire, or some other perversion of my desire for my people to have some small joy in their afterlife? I should be grateful enough to thank them politely, despite any frustration I might feel at them waiting so long."

"So... you want a friendly touch of some pleasant sunshine here?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yes?"

I grinned down at Aiden, who grinned back. I looked up into a cloudy sky. "Anything important up there?" When she looked on in confusion, I said, "just checking." A black tentacle the width of a tornado swept through the sky from west to east, clearing the clouds and showing a gray, stony sky above them. With a burst of Mana, it hammered into that sky, cleaving clear a single stripe of sky. Stars shone down. I pushed, and false dawn colored the sky to the east. "Best I can do on short notice. Might need to tweak it later in the year. Just lemme.... Let Loki know, he'll tell me what needs fixing."

Hel just stared at me. "Who are you?"

I grinned, set Aiden on her feet, raised a finger to my lips, and said, "shh." Then I winked at Aiden, nodded politely to Hel, and stepped back to the Black Dragon.

Night had fallen while I was away. Marie looked at the sky, looked at me, and said, "Early."

"Shit happened. So. Helheim?" She had the grace to look a little embarrassed. I hopped up, her arms slipping under my ass as mine wrapped around her neck. "Thanks, Murder Mittens."

Her tongue invaded my mouth as she thought back, Welcome, Vlickies.