Dear Diary,

Y'know, some days this whole, 'intentional systematic rational self improvement' thing really feels like a lot of work for very little return, especially the days when the people around me seem bound and determined to ignore my progress.

Like, I get it, I'm not doing it for them. Yeah, I do it to be a better mom and wife and paramour and daughter. I guess It'll make me a better Priestess, since baller dudes like Doc Glass aside, Clergy seem to the the closest fuckin' thing to mental health professionals in the here and now. Maybe even, though thinking about it with no spare brains in the conversation to check me out freaks me out a little, to be a better Goddess if I wind up with any followers other than my Kitten.

You will.

Good to know. Also, good to know that she's got my back, so if I go off the reservation too far, she'll drag me back by the short hairs if she's gotta.

But mostly? Though all of those folks are the reasons I tell myself? I think I need to be doing this for me, or at some point it's gonna fail and fall apart. But that also means when people start expecting me to remain eternally the lovable idiot with a secret 'kill everything' switch? Fuck those guys. Or, y'know, deny them fucking. That sounds way more like punishment. Seriously, what kind of neopuritan bullshit is that? Fucking as punishment. The fuck? Yeah, I get it, Kitten and I bullshit about that all the time, but legit punishment has to be something you'd otherwise avoid, y'know? With the exception of Ace folks, and while I don't get them I totally respect their life choices, fucking seems to be a sort of universal hobby for adult homo sapiens, y'know?

So we all woke up in our communal cuddle puddle this morning, well rested after Marie set all Happy Brain Chemical values to 'yes'. I felt like I'd hit a pretty good place both physically and psychologically, even after spending the entire night vaguely embarrassed at Mimic burying our head in the sand, leaving an ass the size of the tri-state area hanging out in the breeze, and considering herself 'hid'. With all the feline going around, my subconscious alter ego just had to be a goddamned orange tabby.

I was the last one awake, and woke to the three of them all staring at me. Okay, with Saffron that was mostly just cute, but Marie and Menace both had that motionless about to pounce cat thing going on, until I swept my gaze over them and said, "well?"

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Menace couldn't keep up the stillness, toppling over sideways laughing at fuck knows what, snorting out, "Mama siwwy."

Before I could respond Marie scooped her up while saying, "Yes."

After that we lay there reveling in soft, warm cuddles until breakfast time rolled around. Corncakes and tortillas again today. With Marie doing actual work, I figured Saffron might know, what with her being Imperator and all. "Hey Kitten?"

"Yes, Goof?"

I got a sudden bizarre taste of boot leather, dirt, and toe cheese, which prompted me to rephrase my question from, 'what's up with the limited menu?' to, "so, everybody getting enough to eat?"

She closed her eyes and heaved a deep sigh. "Barely. I suspect more than just the folks with extra pounds are going to lose a few. Especially the poorer folks." A lopsided grin stretched across her face. "Maybe not on that last though. Something about the folks at the bottom not only being the ones scrounging up your, ah, Jackville food, but also being the ones who are least averse to trying it."

"Is it like this every year around here?"

She shook her head, shrugging as she did so. "In Phileo? A bit, although the locals are more willing to eat fish in early spring than folks up north of Newark. Camden Yards hasn't had a serious hunger problem in a long time. I'm not quite sure where they store it all, or how they keep it from going bad, but the Drivers basically drew a line in the sand a few generations back. No one goes hungry. Period. When times are good, not everyone eats there, because if you have money, they expect you to pay. But when there's no money or food left to buy anyhow? The Drivers have everybody's back."

"So... what happened this... I'm an idiot."

She smiled and threw a spoon at me. "No, you just talk before you think. More of a common problem than you'd think at an Academy, but here we are."

"Yeah. Which hit the food supply harder, the war or the plague?"

She waggled her hand in the air. "If New Amsterdam hadn't been blockading us, both fleets would have been fishing or trading with southern or Mediterranean Cities. If the plague hadn't hit, some farmers would have gotten early crops in." She shrugged. "But since someone started teaching people how to eat food they'd previously fed to the chickens and cows? I don't think we'll lose too many to famine this spring."

I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding. "One is too many."

She reached out, and I took her hand across the table. My Goddess, for that alone I would follow you unto death.

Eh. Just me being too stupid to know when things are unavoidable. Too idealistic, maybe.

And yet, you seem the first one with the power to make things different. To say, 'no, this will not stand'.

I shot her a crooked smile. "Somebody's gotta. You ready?" She nodded. "Menace, you going with Marie today?"

"Yeth." At my nod, she hopped down and scampered off to Marie. The next moment Saffron and I sat in our Strategy classroom.

Honestly? I tuned a lot of it out, kinda wondering how the fuck we were gonna pull off a military campaign when we were already starving.