Dear Diary,

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies."

- Aristotle

I've gotta show this one to Saffron. Somehow I think she'd have some kinda thing to say about it. If you can't tell, there's a whole section in this one self-help book on relationships. Almost all of it is either bland shit that anybody with a brain knows, like 'relationships take work and communication' or useless mushy crap, like 'listen to your heart' or 'when you find the right one, you'll just know'. Seriously, if you're reading a book to get better at loving somebody, you are probably not the bitch whose feelings guide her to anything but sweat and messy sheets. Unless you're talking about reading a book to get better at fucking, in which case you probably need diagrams and shit, not mushy talk.

The quotes are nice, though.

So after all five of Saffron playfully roughed me up over eating 'her favorite part of her present', the two of us used the water Marie'd left heating to wash ourselves clean of the remaining vague stickiness. Like, there wasn't much, and none of it tasted like anything, which is probably the only reason Saffron okayed the washing up. Okay, that and both of us enjoying washing the other one. I think I got the best of that, since she stayed quintuplet until she'd finished washing me. Then again, her bath was a lot less energetic, what with her very carefully reading her birthday present while I kept her afloat and gently washed her clean.

So cool that the Lancaster House baths are big enough to actually keep her afloat. Also kinda fun teasing her by washing her as Hilde, 'because that way we both fit in the tub'. Utter bullshit, the tub was totally big enough for both of us with me as me, but if I choose to extend my Kitten's birthday to the following night, anybody who wants to complain about it can suck my Mana Blade until they change their mind.

Snuck into bed only to have the kids all sort of gravitate over to the bed and form a pile on top of us. I'm not sure why any of them would find my hard ass comfy to snuggle up to, but at the same time they weren't going to suffocate me or anything like that. After spending so much time alone in my old house, I think the kid pile pressed a button I didn't know I wanted, even needed to be pressed.

Mimic still wasn't up for dancing, and she seemed almost hesitant when chibi Chefs Marie and Saffron led the super chibi sous chefs into her maw and lay down in a cuddle pile in the middle. Just waiting there patiently until the maw closed gently, tentatively, and waited for her only mouthful of the night to melt rather than her normal madcap maceration. Stupid weird, like dreams are, but she just sat on the Docks and salivated until everything melted enough for her to swallow.

Woke up to the sounds of Marie playing traffic controller in the bath room. When we went in expecting to get willingly drafted into kid washing duty, we were met with a sight that would have brought tears of joy to my eyes had I retained the need for basic waste elimination. I'd totally missed the new little curtained alcove last night, but with the curtain pulled back and Marie lifting a kid onto it, the fancy old fashioned toilet became impossible to overlook. By 'old fashioned', I mean the kind where the tank was hooked to the wall kinda above anybody except maybe Marie's head, and the 'flush' control was a chain with a wooden grip on the end rather than a lever.

"When did that get there?"

Saffron chuckled a bit. "It was there when we visited to get the Hole Spawn stench off you, love. I understand why you might not have noticed it then, though."

"It was there last night?"

She stepped around in front of me, pulled me down into a kiss, which got the now typical chorus of 'silly' from the posse and the hoard horde, then pulled away and smiled up at me. "So good at subtle compliments."

"Huh?"

She laughed, tugging me toward the tub. "Come on, let's get to work."

I realized right around when Menace's turn under the towel came up that at some point, if we ever got the world straightened out to the point where I wasn't constantly fighting for everybody's fuckin' life, I'd really like to do the full time mom thing. For a bit, at least. I don't think I'll ever be as good at the whole 'cooking, cleaning, sewing, housewife' thing as Marie. Hell, I think I'd fail hard at all that shit except maybe cooking, and then only if, like, slow cookers and grilling is allowed. But the 'wash the kid, put food in the kid, play with the kid' part was like my favorite part of living with Saffron and Isnomi.

Fuck. Was. Not because I don't love it still, but because of the fuckin' Undead and Norfolk and Sengann and Garland and Oliver and Artemis and if I keep thinking about this I'm gonna hop over to M-Space and start killing fuckers and cutting their ankles and wrists off and throwing them into the fuckin' Maw to let Mimic suck their insides out through their eye sockets.

"Mama!" Menace's whiny bark snapped me back to the present moment. "Na sa ruff."

"Oh, shit. Oh, shit oh shit oh shit, did I hurt you baby?" I pulled the towel away and turned her around looking for any kind of bruising or rugburn or whatever the fuck I'd screwed up with my fucking angry lack of attention.

Then Isnomi giggled at me, and everything bad just washed away. "Mama siwwy. Nodda baby. Towuh messed up tho."

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

I looked down at the towel I'd dropped when she shouted. It smoked a little, and the smoking spots were more than a little threadbare. I pulled her to me and snuggled her for a moment, and counted it as a huge win when she snuggled me right back even as the older members of her posse looked at me like maybe I wasn't the Cool Mom after all, what with being openly physically affectionate with my kid. "Sorry about the towel, kiddo. Go let Marie dress you up."

"Ah tay!"

As she scampered off, I reminded myself that my precious Menace was, in fact, a Goddess. Just like Loki, and Sigyn, and even fuckin' Canta and Dionysus. I mean, shit, Dionysus may have been in full on edgy asshole teen mode when he created the Maenads, but if they're okay with him now, he doesn't exactly deserve the death penalty.

I still wanted my family time back, though.

For the moment, bath time with Isnomi's posse and Marie's horde hoard would tide me over. Might need to schedule it as a regular thing, along with Monday family visits and shit.

Once we had all the kids trooping down to breakfast, Menace leading the parade, I pulled Marie over. "How many of those are yours now?" She looked a weird kind of guilty until I hugged her and said, "not mad, woman, I just wanna know how many beds we're gonna need when I finally get around to cuffing you."

"One."

"Just one of that whole horde?"

"Bed."

I laughed. "Okay, okay, I love the pile of bodies just as much as you do, you big wifey nerd. How many kids are gonna wind up adding Aetos-Diaz to their name tags?" Her eyes got big when I said that, and I pulled her down for a kiss. When I let her go, I said, "wife. Eventually. Not side-chick. All we have is yours and all your burdens are ours. And every kid you've hoarded is gonna get as loved as we can love them. Got it?"

Her eyes glistened as she whispered, "five"

"Wow!" She looked up at my exclamation, and when I followed it with, "six kids? Cool!" some tears might have dropped, but her broad smile made it clear she wasn't upset any more. Then, since the last kid had trooped out of the room, I pulled her down, got really pointedly handsy while kissing her again, and when I let her up for air I put my mouth next to her ear and whispered, "it's a start, anyhow. Wonder how fast we can double that?"

So fun walking around hand in hand with pink Marie. Even more fun when Saffron grabbed my other hand and hissed out, "she's got an unfair advantage!"

"Huh?"

"She can pop out a whole litter at a time, where I'll be hard pressed to have two."

I might have blushed a little at that my own self, but I leapt to Marie's defense. "Hey! That's... wait, I can't tell if that's kinda racist or not."

Marie, still pink and looking to stay that way for a bit, muttered, "Not."

"Uh. Holy shit. Really. Wow. Um..."

Saffron giggled. "I've no issues with assisting our lovely wife-to-be with nursing, but it's hilarious."

"What is?"

"You. So... driven. You've never really taken the time to explore Marie's finer details, have you?"

As we headed down the steps my considered reply was, "Uh..."

"Six."

I blinked. "Dafuq?" I nodded at Marie's chest. "Two. I can count to two. Most days."

Saffron giggled again, "I guess we're not depriving your brain of air enough then. Next time she's less than dressed, perhaps take a closer look?"

"Nipples?"

"That is the business end of a teat, yes."

I shook my head. "But... boobs."

"Are lovely, but adults interacting with Maenads tend to have two hands, not six. Dionysus, for example. Two hands."

I was gonna banter some more until Marie shut me up with a simple, "Yes."

I looked up at her, smiled, and said, "we're gonna need a lot of diapers then."

So fun when she's bright pink.

We enjoyed a leisurely breakfast where I fed my Kitten Lancaster House Waffles much more carefully than my cramming and ramming of the day previous, because she did, in fact, have to go to work today, as did I. When we finished, we gave out hugs and kisses for not only Menace, but any members of her posse and the horde hoard who wanted them. I watched Marie as we did, and she nodded at five of the little ruggers. Okay, three of the five looked almost Liam's age, but they were littler than him. Pretty obviously not Lancaster genes, what with the dark hair on all but the littlest. Goodbyes said, Marie took our hands and we stepped to work. Marie and I landed on the Mast, while I assumed Saffron and Marie landed in the Council Chambers.

"Hey Marie?"

"Vlickies?"

I got warm all over at her reply, and it took me a second to remember what I wanted to say. "I think I want to get a workout in today. Like, actual exercise in the Practice Yard. You wanna join me?" She shook her head, and I Co-Located up to the Practice Yard, where I had one of me lifting and another running laps through the day.

The day was pretty chill, in a creepy terrifying kind of way. The Killer Squads found empty streets. Like, they could see Undead in the distance, but we'd been maintaining an absolute machine-like search and destroy pattern, and today's areas were just... empty except for a few buildings with piles of dust in them. So, y'know, chill, but terrifying.

At lunch I even had one of me hop back up to read a bit next to Saffron. I spotted that quote about love and souls. "Hey, Kitten, read this."

She paused what she was doing, read through the page, then nodded. "Wise. Who is this 'Aristotle'?"

"Like, father of science philosopher Aristotle? Taught Alexander the Great?"

"Who?"

I shook my head. "Fuck. That would explain a lot, too." She shrugged, sighed, and shook her head. "What, you're not pissed?"

She blinked as she looked back up at me. "Oh, no, I'm furious, but I've hit a point where throwing some new bit of fuel onto that fire simply cannot make it hotter, and it's not like me running around killing everything Deific I see will do any good at this point." She shrugged. "I've got you for that."

I pulled her to me and quietly said, "some of them aren't so bad." When she stiffened, I said, "Sigyn. Loki. Isnomi."

She sucked in a huge breath, then let it out slowly. "I know. In my moments of greatest clarity, I know. Again, though, I have you for that, My Goddess, to sit in judgement. Those you say are innocent will be untouched. Those you say ought be allowed to atone will atone." I heard the ever present echo of Mana Blades in her voice when she finished with, "and those you judge guilty for the state of our world will be fed to Mimic one tiny screaming piece at a time."

I stuck my tongue out. "Blech. Can you two like, make paté out of them or something first? Ooh! Wait! Deep fry it! Deep frying makes everything better!"

"Deep fry?"

"Tempura."

"Oh. Yes, I see. As My Goddess commands, Deities deemed unfit to live will be boiled in oil until lightly crispy."

Y'know, that shit should have been way funnier. Would have been if she'd been joking in the slightest. Or if Mimic hadn't perked up and started fuckin' salivating all over the Eastern Seaboard in M-Space.

Bitch already has the fattest ass in creation, and now Saffron's gonna addict her to fried food.