Dear Diary,

"Once you've found your Ecstasy,

Don't exceed capacity,

But fill yourself with that stuff."

Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Ecstasy

Y'know, I'm not sure whether that's valid or not, but I figure I ought to put it in there. Yeah, some folks are gonna be like me and have hyperfixations, which just kinda burn out naturally no matter how much I get to indulge, so I might as well dive in and fill myself while I can. But other people have special interests, which just kinda stay with them their whole lives, and they can guzzle until they fall down and pass out, and the worst problem they ever have is bandwidth.

But I've heard that there are folks who like something, indulge in it, and kinda burn out on it. Like, they no longer like it after doing it too much. Which makes no damn sense to me, really. Like, okay, yeah, I get hyperfixation. But then there are just regular, I dunno, fixations. Like I don't care how much I get of Saffron, I'm still gonna want more. Yeah, I guess at some point I'm no longer craving her touch like a drug, but I still want her. I dunno if it's being in the best shape of my life, or the Goddess thing, or something else entirely, but I can take advantage of that want for as long as she's up for it, too. Honestly, with a couple exceptions, I can't remember her ever not being up for it when she was physically capable either.

These past few days I've been taking advantage of that. I really hope I'm not taking advantage of her, in a bad sense, because I just... Yeah, I think unless Saffron comes to me and tells me that this is it, I'm never getting my memories back, ever, I'm gonna have 'existential dread' as a big component of my psyche. But I've decided not to wallow in that. I remember seeing it once, a meme about 'happy nihilism'. Like, if nothing matters, do what makes you happy. Which isn't really the case here. Shit matters. It does, and I'm doing my best to make things better. But at the end of my days, when Saffron figures out a way to undo this Blessing, because I'm absolutely certain she will... I won't matter. Like, the only person who sees me as, y'know, not me? Not Future me? The only one who sees me as different from her is me. And when I'm gone, I won't be here for that to matter to. Yeah, I could get all weepy about that, and maybe sometimes when nobody else is around I do.

Okay, maybe I ought to let myself be weepy when it's just me and Saffron, and maybe Marie and Siobhan. But... I don't know how long I have. I'm healthy. I'm capable of filling my moments with pure, unadulterated passion and joy, so why shouldn't I? I guess the only answer that disagrees is 'if I'm faking it', which I'm generally not. But yeah, every minute I'm not working to make life better for my partners and kids, I'm gonna enjoy spending time with them, as often as they're up for it.

With that in mind, at the end of the day yesterday as we got settled into bed, I snatched my ladies away to the Bed's room.

"Someone's quite affectionate today," Saffron observed, one eyebrow arching.

"Yeah," I said, pulling my face out of her cleavage. "We've kinda been monopolizing each other the last couple, and I wanted..." I stopped, frowned, and pointed at my pleasant yet imperfect Murder Mittens. "Waffles. Now."

"Belay that," Saffron snapped. "Flour, one half cup." Before I could say anything, Marie blinked away, and Saffron explained, "quicker metabolization and more reliable dosage."

Right then my tiger lady herself showed back up with a stein of water and a cup of white powder. "Faster fuzzy Murder Mittens better," I said before gulping down alternating flour and water.

As I did, Saffron said, "so if we've been monopolizing each other, am I here as a spectator then?"

I made my opinion on that clear without pausing my runny dough consumption by scooting over to Siobhan, then bumping her with my hip, toppling her right over Saffron. Siobhan took the hint, and as I chugged down the last of the water to clear my mouth and throat, I asked, "unless you're not okay with Marie and me watching you two from the couch?"

Just watching?

"Oh, I absolutely did not say that." I pulled a rapidly enfuzzifying Marie butt first into my lap, and she showed me just how flexible she was by twisting her face around to kiss me. Like, one shoulder pressed against mine to brace her, the other one sticking out to leave her hand free to wander. It did not, in fact, wander southward, as she'd decided to show me exactly how much tail control an ancient tiger-lady in fact has. She also, deliberately I think, kissed me with her head tilted enough I could see past her over the side of her face to watch the goings on on the Bed.

Yes.

Stolen story; please report.

I realized right then that my tiger lady could also see via the mirrors. At least I'm pretty sure she could. So many mirrors. So many views. I love you, Marie.

Same, Vlickies.

We spent at least half the night playing mix and match, seeing how many ways we fit together. I almost demurred when Saffron and I wound up together on the Bed, but she pushed me back to the wall, pushed herself into my lap, and whispered, "oh, no, you simply must see this." I had not realized that Murder Mittens could span Siobhan's head with her jaws. Like, one fang each above and below her ears on both sides. She didn't, like, bear down or try to give our Ice Pop a brain piercing or anything. But I swear if there's a reservoir of natural lady love tunnel lubrication in Siobhan, Marie must have punctured it with that move.

It only got worse when she made a noise that sounded remarkably like, "Yum."

"The," I paused for Saffron identification as she blew my circuit breakers without obstructing my line of sight. "fuck?"

"Fear fetish," whispered my Kitten. "I shudder to think of what the two of them get up to when they're unsupervised."

"Me... too..." whimpered Siobhan, in the weirdest mix of unable to speak because fear and unable to speak because sex I'd ever heard.

"Thanks, Kitten. This is fucking adorable."

"What about adorably fuckable?" she giggled.

"Nah, that's..." Enforced pause. "You."

"So why aren't you again?"

"Somebody keeps... Distracting me or... I would."

She spun around, straddled my leg, looked deep into my eyes, and quietly sang, "That makes it even better."

The night did not get any less Ecstatically lewd than that. It slowed a little when Siobhan tapped out around midnight, and again when Saffron did so a couple hours later. "I must be up to do my Research."

I frowned a little at that. "Oh, shit. I'm not, like, impeding that, am I?"

"No, love. Inspiring me."

I raised an eyebrow. "So, you want to get rid of this me that bad?"

She ran one hand down the side of my face. "No, love. you remind me how much I love you, how much you've told me you want to remember all that we've done together. All that you've done with Marie and Siobhan as well." When I tilted my head, she said, "who do you think gave her that fear fetish?"

She left me with my jaw dropped a little from that. At which point Marie took advantage of my open mouth, which I wasn't about to complain about.

When Marie and I decided we wanted snuggling and sleeping more than shenanigans, we collapsed back to the snoozing cuddle puddle.

Dreamt of Marie and Karen dancing with Siobhan and Saffron, the former dipping the latter into my Maw, letting them dissolve into blurs before pulling them back out, time after time after time. Savory and Sweet. So good.

Asked the kids if I could see our rooms today, but all of them presented a united front, saying that they weren't quite done and ready to show off. I must have looked a little upset, because after a quick whispered conference they told me they'd have them ready to show by tomorrow. Not done, they made it clear, but done enough I was allowed to see them. So I gave them all hugs, thanked them for getting it ready just for me, then went back to watching over all our women from the top of the tower.

Saffron slipped in next to me around midday, bringing me lunch along with Siobhan and Marie. Who may have engaged in some very subtle shenanigans while feeding one another, but fuck it, subtle enough I couldn't tell a few feet away was subtle enough nobody on the ground could see shit. I also have no idea where they scored the jumbo four tier bento lunches for each of us, but again, not complaining.

Afterward, when Marie took the dirty trays and possibly dirtier Siobhan away for cleaning and or finishing up her workday, Saffron leaned into me and whispered, "I've spoken with Tallulah."

"And?"

"She's... concerned. I'm not exactly sure why, and she's clearly too disturbed by me informing her of the incoming fleet for me to press just now."

That did not bode well. "Do you think she's worried because we spotted her reinforcements?"

Saffron tilted her head, then lay it on my shoulder. "Honestly? I'm not sure. I suspect not, because I don't see how she'd have Fae allies in the Celtic Isles when she has so few in Rich Mans' Port. But as she refused to answer, I cannot be sure."

"What else could it be?"

Saffron shrugged, shaking her head while keeping it on my shoulder. "Any number of things. A displaced faction fleeing to Atlantis. A would be conqueror hoping to capitalize on New Amsterdam or Calverton's losses."

"Seriously? Didn't the Alliance just kick a whole fuckin' Army of Undead out of there?"

"We did, but we don't know the size of that group of ships. Only that there are more than one. Also, Fae live long lives, and some of their Mages and Warriors have Skills that rival Demigods. Should they come intending war, we may have a real war on our hands again. Also, news travels slowly across the Atlantic, and often in a fragmentary manner. They might only know that New Amsterdam lost a war badly enough to shatter their military. They may only know that Calverton lost even more of its own military to a Plague."

"So do we call up the Army?"

She shook her head again. "Not yet. Our Heroes are dispersed, with many attending to duties where they can rest, but we can bring them together quickly. The Dragonslayers and quite a few other non-Heroic units are also still active and can be brought to bear quicker than we can call up new Volunteers, Levies, or Soldiers. The Karls and Jarls are, of course, more or less permanently ready to fight. Not to mention projects which have been building since before your Liberation of Calverton. So if they come intending war, we will stop them. Never fear, love."

"You'll need me to fight then, though."

She nodded. "We will. Though you need not carry the day on your own again, love. We will stand beside you."

I took a deep breath, then let the worry out with it. Didn't work. "Still wish Tallulah would tell us something."

"I'll have Karen probe gently at dinner."

"Thanks, Kitten."