Dear Diary,

Apparently, my dumbassery comes in layers. Like an onion. Or an ogre, I guess. Or cake?

Wait, shit, do ogres exist?

Kitten, are ogres a thing that exists?

Yes?

Are they green with little trumpet shaped ears and Scottish accents?

Green, no. Trumpet shaped ears, no. Scottish accents? I'd say 'they're mostly too stupid to speak', along with 'nobody tries talking to them anyhow because they eat people and they're twice as big, four times as strong, and one eighth as smart as Carruthers', but then, this is Scotsmen we're talking about, I'm pretty sure there's at least one that has one working off a debt somewhere.

Ouch. Not really vibing with the whole racial thing there, sweetie.

It's a joke.

It always starts with jokes, though, doesn't it?

My adorable genius huffed into my head. I think you're missing the nuance, maybe.

Oh, hey, I probably am. Clueless, thy name is Tabitha. Enlighten me, oh Saffron of the... uh... tits.

Are you okay, love?

Yeah, just distracted by, like, work.

Well. What you're missing is that most of the people in Scotland who are legally allowed to call themselves 'Scots'? Have a lot more in common with the Lancasters than anybody from the Yards.

Oof. Do we need to pay a visit there?

I got a sudden sense of someone swallowing something down the wrong hole, then, we're still dealing with problems with the neighbors, and you're talking about screwing with Scotland?

Hey, I'm too dumb to pick my battles. I just grab them as I see them.

I don't know how my brilliant lover did it, but she smacked me in the back of the head without actually being here. From now on, at least let me schedule them where possible.

Yes, dear.

So anyway, since for the time being the Scrying Room has me based out of Lancaster House, I got to spend last night with Saffron, Marie, and Isnomi. With a surprising amount of Isnomi-free time for the three of us, which was kinda nice in a 'we all slept well' kinda way.

The moment they showed up, Isnomi looked around, sniffed at the air, and said, "wanna pay!"

I shrugged, because I'm down for some non-adult playtime on a fairly regular basis. "Okay, Menace. What do you wanna play?"

She shook her head, grabbed my hand, and tugged me toward the suite door. "Pay wif kids!"

"Uh..."

Saffron cut in at that point. "If she's old enough to want to socialize, it's probably a good idea if we let her."

I shrugged and turned to the rug rat. "Okay, Menace. Lead on."

She led us out the door, up the stairs, and before I knew it we knocked on Larry and Bonnie's door. He answered looking a little rumpled, but not, like, naked and sweaty or anything like that. "Hey, Larry. Our little one here wanted to play with the kids?" I nodded toward the back of the building, where I assumed a door led into the Ladies' Quarters.

He shook his head, chuckling a little. "It's always the little things that trip you up, isn't it? We'll have to start working to put doors on every floor. With good locks on their side, of course. I don't think they'd feel safe otherwise." He shrugged. "I could be wrong. They may wind up unlocked until they rust that way, but..."

He looked just a little more self-reproachful than I thought was good for him. "Hey, Larry. You're doing the best you can to fix what, hundreds of years of stupid bullshit? You've been at it for like three days. So long as you keep up the good fight, do the best you can do? That's, like, literally the best you can do."

At that point, Bonnie called out, "who's there, love?" Something weird about her voice, but while the rooms in Lancaster House may or may not be soundproofed, they're thick and the rooms are big. I've really got no clue if she's a screamer or whatever, and other than morbid curiosity I really don't need to know.

Larry turned, waving for us to come in as he did so. "It's the Commander and her family, my bonnie lass."

"Ooh, I like that one. It's clever." Bonnie had a nightgown on, and I realized one of the big benefits of makeup not being a thing most of us had. No mascara means no mascara running when you're crying.

"Hey, Bonnie. Is everything okay, guys?"

She shook her head, a maybe too-bright smile plastered on her face. Larry stepped to her and pulled her in close to him; she slid in front of him, facing us, pulling his arms around her. "We're fine, Commander. Or should I say Tabitha, since we're at home? No, that doesn't feel right either. Diaz? You don't mind Diaz, do you Commander?"

I chuckled. "Shit, it still weirds me out a little when somebody calls me 'Commander'. But it's part of the job, so I roll with it. Tabitha, Diaz, 'hey you moron', whatever works for you." At that point Isnomi wriggled free and pelted over to Bonnie, holding her arms up. Bonnie picked her up, of course, laughing as she did so. Her laughter seemed a little more natural this time, but I also saw a few new tears roll across her face. I sighed and said, "look, I'm really not trying to butt in, because I've been in some shitty situations and everybody deals with them differently. I just want you two to know that if we can help? Let us know. I'd hate to think I fucked something up when I healed you and now you're living with the aftermath of me fucking up, y'know?"

I almost couldn't hear Bonnie between her burying her face in Isnomi's curls and the menace herself purring loud enough to hear from where the three of us stood. "I'd rather live with that aftermath than not have the chance to live at all."

"Oh, hey, I get that. You've made that abundantly clear, and I'm glad that my baseline fuck up wasn't 'making you come back'. But if there's, like, something that didn't get healed right? Something that doesn't work the way it should? Like, anything at all that we could help you with, or find somebody to help you with? Say the word and we're on it."

Larry, who'd been silent to this point, replied. "We thank you for the offer, Commander. It means more than you know." He snorted. "More than it should, really, since anything along the lines of 'find someone to help' is probably easier for me than you." When I shot him a questioning look, he said, "I'm still richer than most of the rest of the families in Phileo put together. But... you've done things that no amount of money can buy. 'Improbable' can be bought. 'Impossible' can't." He let out a long breath, not quite whistling. "So. Thank you. We'll let you know if we think of anything that might help, or rather if we're sure enough that it would help to have you go looking for impossible answers." He smiled at that, and Bonnie leaned up and whispered in his ear. "Really?" She nodded. "Please take no offense if this is crossing a line, but could Bonnie and I take Isnomi to visit with the young ones in the Ladies' Quarters?"

I looked to Saffron and Marie, who both nodded. Saffron firmly, Marie a little more tentatively, with a bit of a shrug involved. I turned back to Larry and said, "sure, so long as you're sure. She can be a handful. Several hands full. We've got six between us, and sometimes we still don't have enough."

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Bonnie laughed at that, and Saffron said, "also, Bonnie?" When Bonnie nodded, Saffron said, "if you ever need someone to talk to who neither needs a codpiece nor sees you as a potential rival, our door is always open for you."

Before Bonnie could reply, Larry said, "Thank you, Imperator." He shook his head. "Thank you, Saffron Aetos."

Bonnie looked over her shoulder at him, her arms still full of menace. "You're sure?" When he nodded she turned to Saffron, then pointedly looked me up and down and said, "so, I'm not a potential rival?"

That got a real laugh out of Saffron, who grabbed at my arm more out of a need to hold herself up than any kind of possessiveness. She might have even shoved me forward a little bit. "Oh, be my guest. I doubt she'd be willing if your husband is involved, but I think somehow Isnomi gets her 'handfulness' from this one."

Bonnie just laughed at that, even moreso when Marie intoned, "Yes."

Eventually she managed to get out, "When do we need to have her back by?"

I shrugged and looked at the others. "Morning?"

Saffron considered a moment, then said, "before breakfast if you could, but morning sounds fine. Sooner is fine too, if you prefer." Marie just nodded her agreement.

"Okay then!" Bonnie held Isnomi out just far enough to see her face, keeping her mostly snug against her. "Did you want to go meet the other little ones now?"

"Yeth!" She twisted around and waved at us with one arm. "G'nigh Ma! G'nigh Mama! G'nigh Mawa!"

"Well, she's let her preferences be known, hasn't she?" Saffron shook her head, smiling. "Good night, my girl."

"Yeah, Menace. Good night, have fun, and be good while you're with the Lancasters, got it?"

"Goddid!"

With that, laughing at our little menace's enthusiasm, we left back to our suite, and Larry and Bonnie headed toward the back end of theirs. When the door closed behind us, I smirked, looked down at Saffron, and asked, "Did you or did you not just offer me up as a therapeutic sex doll?"

I felt some kinda way when both of them started laughing. Less that kinda way when Saffron hopped up into my arms, her arms snaking around my neck, her mouth doing interesting things to my ear as we walked. After a bit she pulled away and said, "Did you or did you not say that you would do anything Bonita needed."

"Well, yeah, but, y'know..."

She rolled her eyes at me and used her mouth to hit that soft-reset button in my ear. "If you were about to start some nonsense about 'infidelity', what is the one rule you are required to follow no matter what?"

"Uh... tell you about..." Right about then my brain actually spun back up and I interrupted myself with, "simulcast?" At her quizzical look, I shot her the full sensory spectrum view of what I very much wanted to do the moment we got behind closed doors.

"Exactly." She turned a little behind me and said, "see? She can learn."

Before I could respond to that, I got scooped off my feet as Marie said, "Yes."

So weird being the middle person in the princess carry stack. Not bad, mind you, but weird. Also yet again impressed that Marie can still handle doors carrying both of us like that; her biggest problem is having to duck under normal sized doorframes, and Lancaster House didn't have that particular problem.

So yeah, we got some private time. Slept well. Mimic is still dreaming about that stone game. It's not Othello, I know that. I know the rules for that one.

In the morning we woke to the quiet sounds of an entire herd of kids sleeping in our front room. I crept out to get a look at them without waking them up; I think every damn kid below the age of eight was sleeping on and around our sofa. Four of the Ladies had come along, along with four women in maid's uniforms. Larry, obviously awake, looked at me from where he lay under Bonnie, who not only had the menace lying on her back, but all the self-mobile smaller ones piled around her. All of them including Bonnie asleep, of course. When I came into the room, the maids all stirred. I felt a little bad at waking them until I realized that Larry really did look like he'd slept; he'd just woken up before the rest and realized that he couldn't move without waking, well, everyone.

I crept over quietly and leaned in so I could whisper. "You okay, man?"

He smiled up at me. "Nothing I can't deal with in good time. Thank you, Commander. I... This was good for her, I think." He paused in thought for a bit. "She has concerns."

I stomped down my initial flippant reply and said, "they are?"

He shook his head slightly. "I'd rather let her tell you. I'll encourage her to do so if they remain and bother her."

I nodded and smiled my approval at keeping his wife's private matters private. "Unless you think she needs something addressed and can't, for whatever reason, ask for herself. Like, wants to, or ought to want to, but she's been infected with my dumbass and can't ask or something."

At that point the woman in question startled us both a bit by saying, "I'll let you know, Diaz. Or let him know. Larry?"

She'd said all that without opening her eyes or moving. "Yes, love?"

"I trust you to tell her if you think I can't ask you, but need you to."

"Yes, love."

Right about then the kids started stirring, and everything went a sort of slow motion, barely controlled berserk. More than four of the menace's new friends weren't potty trained yet, and I think I scandalized everyone but Bonnie, Saffron, and Marie when I grabbed a clean diaper, a cloth, and a stinky kid and made with the diaper changing. I mean, I picked a girl-looking just-past-football age one, because I'm helpful, not masochistic. Felt a little silly when I realized I'd used 'headful of golden curls' as a 'girl' marker in a houseful of fuckin' Lancasters and other assorted Dan. No shade intended, they just ran to blond in both genders, and curls really aren't, y'know, a gendered trait. That got me wondering what Larry and Bonnie's kids would wind up looking like, which got me wondering if somehow one of them might inherit one of the animated bits of darkness I'd grafted onto her, which made me feel real stupid for a minute as I thought about the kids of inked up parents coming out 'blank', which finally got the free range clue that had been drifting around since last night to land in my head.

Is she worried about being able to have kids?

After our conversation last night? Especially when she didn't take me up on my offer specifically to mess with Lancaster in that 'ramp his libido up to ever more legendary levels'? It did cross my mind.

Well. Shit. Could...

On my ever lengthening to do list, Goof. Let me know if you find anything that might be applicable.

You got it, Kitten. Really feel some kind of totally good way that you finish my...

Desserts?

I shot her a look over the kids we were changing. By this point every woman in the room had gotten down to work, even if two of the younger Dan moms looked like they had no fucking clue how to change a kid. I almost wished they'd done like Larry, who'd gone into the other room and brought back a hamper, carrying it around so people could yeet dirty diapers into it. If you can't do, get out of the way and help. "Thanks Larry." I said as he fielded my most recent toxic waste and I started with the Mom Origami magic.

That wasn't what I meant, and you know it, KItten.

That makes it even better!

I swear, that woman had become addicted to that singsong phrase. I mean, not like I hadn't provided some really positive feedback every time she'd employed it. Hell, I was even coming to...

Are you Pavloving me, woman?

Is this a new and hitherto previously unknown form of loving from your old world? I'm game to try it next time we're alone.

I sighed, put the re-diapered kid back on his feet, and waved my next victim over. No. It's a kind of conditioning where you make somebody react to some kind of unrelated stimulus. Pavlov was a guy who taught his dogs to start salivating when he rang a bell by feeding them every time.

Oh that? Yes, absolutely. My ultimate goal is to induce orgasms by humming at you.

That got me. I paused, holding the kid down and fending off inquisitive hands while looking up at Saffron. I can't tell if you're serious or not. I'm also not keen on stopping you for some unknown reason.

Probably because you realize I would be merciless with you, and you'd enjoy the ever loving fuck out of that, all puns intended.

I went back to diapering, shaking my head as I thought. I am married to the wicked witch of below the waist.

That makes it even better!

I couldn't help it, I started laughing and didn't stop as I continued changing the tykes' diapers, not stopping until we finished and I had a chance to engage in some entertaining publicly acceptable liplock with the instigator of my laughter. And panty dampness.

Once we had everyone in the room mostly clean and mostly dressed, the assorted adults in the room trooped them down, at Bonnie's insistence, to the dining room. Three words: impromptu waffle party. Chaos. Madness. Levity. The menace repeatedly stuffing entire waffles into her mouth, blowing raspberries at me when I told her to slow down enough to taste it. Whipped cream, which Bonnie had apparently shown one of the maids how to make. No crepes, but whipped cream, butter, and syrup on waffles? Not really missing the crepes all that much.

Isnomi asked to stay at Lancaster House for the day, and after confirming with the local maids and the Lancasters that they didn't mind having the menace corrupting their kids, Saffron and I agreed. Marie decided at that point that the Academy could do without her for a day, what with having the rest of her murderfuck cult guarding it and doing the chores, so she spent the day in the Ladies' Quarters. Probably dispensing slightly fuzzy, sublimely violent, much needed feminism. Shit, the menace was probably doing the same on all counts. Fuck it, I used the word 'corrupting' on purpose, and he agreed.

Spent the whole day checking out another dozen or so farmsteads in the Scrying Room, focusing on the southern border. The further away from the cone of death I got, the more the farmsteads looked like normal winter farmsteads. A couple of them really did look like they were on the raggedy edge, with more snowy lumps than moving people, but still with, y'know, smoke from chimneys and signs of life. I dropped Angel and Bill at our southeasternmost cleared point with two units of Volunteers and instructions on which turns to take to get to those farms quickest. I couldn't exactly move cattle, but each of them had as much food and assorted critical supplies as they could carry. On the topic of Supplies, I sent Fred and Linus out with about half our remaining troops to hit each of the 'dead' farms, Cure the bodies and bury them, and scavenge any livestock or supplies they could.

Our south border? Not in terrible shape, the further west I went. Of course, in both of the bridge villages? The far side of the border had way more chimneys tracing lines of smoke to the clouds than our side of the river.

I really hoped they were chimneys.