I shoved at the stupid cow, but the big bovine wouldn’t move its ass. As soon as this big girl was away for the night, I could get back to the others. They’d be waiting for me. Who else would tell Bruce no woman in her right mind would touch him with a twelve-foot pole? The man needed a reminder sometimes the way he told his jokes.

“Come on, Bessie,” I said giving her another shove. “I got places to be.”

Bessie turned her head to look at me and said, “no one wants you, Joe. Go back to the void where you belong.”

I stopped my shoving and stared at the black and white creature. “Did you just speak?”

“Die, Joe. Die like the pathetic ant you are.”

The cow began to morph, turning blue than green and standing up on its rear legs. It sprouted teeth and claws and a long reptilian tail. The beast roared. I screamed as its foul breath wafted over me.

The floor hit me hard as I rolled off my makeshift cot. I swore and cursed my bastard brain. It couldn’t think of a better dream than that? For fuck sake.

Stella huffed at me like I was somehow disturbing her. I glared at her as I rubbed a hand over my stubbly face. I needed coffee. Or whisky. Whisky would be better.

I stood and rubbed a hand over the sore spot on my ass where Sob had decided to zap me with his weird magic. I really didn’t like that he could do that now. I’d never been more aware or paranoid of what was coming from behind me. Not even when Benji had admitted he’d had a crush on me. That had been weird, sure, but not scary. Stupid horse.

I shook out my stiffness and started shifting the huge set of drawers I’d blocked the door with. Sob had refused to come inside but at least I’d tried to protect Stella and me. I had a bit of a look around after I’d looted the crocs, but I hadn’t looked through everything yet. This place might be falling apart but that didn’t mean there wasn’t anything handy lying around.

Before that though. I had some boots to put on. I touched the tattoo on my wrist and my inventory popped up. I tried to drag the boots to the right place, but my finger went straight through the thing. I focused on the icon of the bright green boots and with a little flash the boots glowed green, and my feet felt different.

I closed the inventory window and admired the pretty boots that had appeared on my feet. It felt a little strange that I didn’t have to tug them myself. That’s something I could live with though. Saves time and all that.

I bounced a few times, impressed that something I’d stolen from the corpse of an alien croc could be so comfortable.

I walked out the door, holding it behind me so a sleepy Stella could follow. Sob was standing beside the door. He looked at me but did nothing else. I still eyed him suspiciously though. He was no longer trustworthy.

I took my time sifting through all the junk in the station. I had plenty of it now that I was stuck here. I thought games were supposed to have quests or objectives but there was nothing to give me a hint on what to do next. I guess I had to make them up on my own. Finding another human seemed like a good way to start but I didn’t know how to do that either.

Sifting through a pile of trash I found a dusty and slightly torn bright pink bum bag. I laughed and moved to toss it aside but paused. I was out of space in my inventory, and I didn’t even have a shirt on. I adjusted the strap and wrapped it around my waist, buckling it into place. The job done I opened my inventory again and smiled. I had two extra spaces!

With my green boots and the pink bum bag, I’m sure I looked fucking spectacular. The sun hadn’t had a chance to really heat the earth yet and my nipples were a tad chilly. A shirt would be nice, even if it took up one of my precious spaces.

I dug through every room but the closest thing I could find was a child shirt with a train stitched on it that said ‘choo choo’. That was not good for me. Even my forearm would barely fit in the thing.

Great, I guess I get to go out into the outback shirtless like the sexy beast I am. The sun was going to turn me into a lobster.

A natural discomfort in my lower gut had me heading toward the toilet in the back of the station building. I had my hand on the door when I paused, remembering in vivid detail what had happened to Bruce. I danced a little as I wondered if it was worth it or if I should take a page out of Sob’s book and just let loose outside. Well, if I was going to do that, I was at least going to bring some toilet paper with me. I do have some standards you know.

The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

I pushed the door open a crack and looked through, making sure there were no monsters in there. Thankfully, it was crocodile free. I crept in, trying hard to ignore the stabbing in my lower belly. Two of the three toilets were smashed along with the stalls around them. One was still intact if a little grubby. I’d seen worse. There was a nice roll of single-ply tissue hanging on a bent hook for me though. I reached for it and then stopped when a golden glow in the bowl of the toilet caught my eye.

There was a piece of paper floating in the dark yellow water. I screwed up my face. There was no little golden sack icon over this treasure. The game wanted me to go diving in poop water. Delightful. I looked around for a plunger or a toilet brush or a stick. You’d think when the stalls had broken there’d be one lying around. But of course, I’m not that lucky, all the bits were too small to be useful or too big to fit in the bowl.

This is a secret between you and me, okay? I don’t want you spreading this titbit around the schoolyard. I shoved my hand into the thing. Chasing the scrap of paper around until I caught it. The strong smell of ammonia clogged my nose and the sight of caked-on shit had my stomach convulsing. This was so much worse than hiding in the horse-shit hay. Insert vomiting noises here.

Anyway, I yanked the thing out and ran for the tiny sink in the corner. I’d hoped for soap but there wasn’t even an old cake of the stuff laying around. No such luck. Urgh.

I unfolded the sheet of paper, being careful not to rip the soaked thing. The words on it were running but I could still make out most of them.

… Happened before… Danger… Deepwater… Help!

After I’d finished reading the thing something dinged and the scrap disintegrated.

New Quest: The Toilet Master of Deepwater

Description: You’re a disgrace! Your mother would be mortified to know you’d shoved your dirty mitts into a toilet! What the hell is wrong with you? This note seems to think you should head to Deepwater. Not sure you should listen to a note soaking in piss but hey, since when do you have standards?

I stared at the floating words in front of my face. Was I really being told off for doing exactly what the game had wanted me to? And I’m the disgrace? Fuck off.

The words faded and as they did a small icon appeared next to the bell at the edges of my vision. It was a fat exclamation mark in an upside-down triangle. It was lit up in green until I focused on it and a new window opened showing the quest I’d just received. I guess I had a quest menu now.

With my health bar, the thin silver bar under it, the notification icon, and now the quest icon my field of vision was getting a bit messy. If they added any more my head would start spinning. As it was, I kept turning my head occasionally just because it irritated my peripheral vision. If anyone was looking at me, they’d think I had a neurological tic or something.

I moved to leave the bathroom but quickly doubled back. I snagged the toilet paper and left to relieve myself animal style. I almost ran to the small kitchen I’d found after. The water coming from the tap was an ugly brown color for a moment before it ran clear. I scrubbed my hands and arms as hard as I could but without actual soap, I didn’t have high hopes for cleanliness.

I left Joridoon Flats soon after, still shirtless and looking fine in my bum bag. There wasn’t much left for me here and I needed to find real supplies. And now I had a place to go. Deepwater. I’d heard about it before, but I’d never been there. It was a pretty small town. And far. It would take days of walking to get there. I had drunk my fill and filled my canteen before leaving. Hopefully, that would be enough. Maybe I could find a rabbit or something to eat.

Anyway, no point dwelling on all the maybes. I had a purpose, and that was more than I’d had in a while. Well, three days really. It felt like longer than that thought. Sob and Stella followed behind me like the good pets they were. I still felt a little edgy having the horse behind me but the bastard still wouldn’t let me ride him.

We walked the entire day and for a while into the night. By then I was hurting, hot and hangry. Surprisingly, the only thing that didn’t hurt was my feet. The boots were fucking amazing.

I stopped and plonked my ass on a flat-topped boulder. I took a small sip from my canteen and looked around. The minimap in my inventory window had been wonderful. I didn’t know where Deepwater was but there was a little marker on the map that showed me the direction to go.

A golden glow about one hundred meters away caught my eye. I sat up straight, eyeing the lootable item. My stomach grumbled again. I hoped the thing was food.

I jumped up and ran toward it slowly as its shape turned from a golden glowing blob to something I recognized. It was a person!

My sunburnt cheeks ached but I couldn’t help but smile. It had been so long since I’d seen a real live person. I approached, calling out so I didn’t scare the woman.

She turned toward me, a beautiful tall, and curvaceous woman with silver-blonde hair. It was a little disconcerting that she was glowing but who was I to judge?

“Hi, what are you doing out here?” I asked.

“Please help me,” she said. “I’ve lost my sheep, and I don’t know how to find them.”

I froze, frowning. “What?”

“Please help me. I’ve lost my sheep, and don’t know how to find them.”

“Yeah. You said that already. What’s going on?”

“Please help me…”

Oh, for fuck sake. She was an NPC. And a pretty poor one at that.