You know that sound a balloon makes when the air comes rushing out all at once as it flies across the room? Yeah, that’s how I felt now. It’s hard to stay a puff-chested peacock when a short, curly-haired warrior princess is tearing you a new one.

I just stood there, letting her tirade wash over me as I marveled at the fact I was alive at all. You’d think she’d be happy I was standing in front of her. But no, I’d let my health drop too low and she was determined to make me regret it. I did. I so badly regretted it.

The fancy new swords resting against my back took some of the sting off my foolishness though. Is it weird that it was only now that I was feeling like an actual fighter? I had plenty of weapons before but these sat differently somehow. I actually felt dangerous. I grinned and tucked my thumbs behind the strap of my bum bag. There would be no more Scaredy-cat Joe. Now I was Badass Joe.

A buzz of energy filled me from head to toe, making me eager to go out and find another monster just so I could behead the thing.

“Are you even listening to me?”

I blinked and focused again on Nora. She was standing right in front of me, one finger raised like she was ready to jab my chest.

“Of course, I am.”

She snarled, “you are a fucking liar, Joe.”

“Look, it doesn’t matter. I’m alive. I’m even a level six now! Isn’t that what we wanted?”

“You’re impossible!”

She threw her arms into the air and stalked off. I shrugged and knelt to pet Stella. At least someone was happy to see me. My hand brushed over her tacky collar.

“We need to get you some better equipment girl.”

She barked and wagged her tail so fast the thing was a blur. I stood and stretched my aching muscles. The little notification bell was blinking away. I focused on it and read the demanding notification waiting for me.

New Speciality: Ranger

Effect: Passive. Animals at the same or lower level now listen to your call.

Description: The ranger is attuned to the wilderness around them and the animals residing in it. They can lure animals to fight for them and can exploit environmental advantages.

Well, that explained a lot. Could a player have more than one specialty? I hoped so.

“Hurry up, would you.”

I blinked at the tone of Nora’s voice. I don’t think I liked her over much when she was angry. I stomped over to Sob, ignoring the look the horse gave me, and leaped up behind her.

“Back to the inn?” I asked.

She only grunted. Well, this was going to be a comfortable ride. I dug into my bum bag and grabbed the last handful of my jerky, tearing into the stuff like there was no tomorrow. You’d think I’d be sick of it after so long but no, this flavor is fucking bomb. Too bad there was no more. I’d have to find some other sort of good traveling food.

Speaking of food, I couldn’t wait to get back to the inn and the goblin’s ridiculously good cooking. I missed having proper meals. I’m glad my stomach had adjusted a little to the meager amounts I’d gotten since the crocs came, but hey, you try living off jerky and warm water. It’s not exactly fun.

I washed the spicy dried meat from my mouth with the last of my water and sighed. Stella barked angrily. Damn, I’d forgotten to share. Some owner I am.

“If you spend the entire trip back farting, I’m going to throw you off this horse and leave your stanky ass behind.”

I snorted, tempted to try. “You know this is my horse, right?”

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Nora pattered Sob’s muscular neck. “I’m pretty sure he likes me better. Can’t say I blame him.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t trust his judgment too much. He’s an idiot.”

She elbowed me. Not too hard of course but enough. We spent the rest of the trip in comfortable silence. I was getting a little bored of these long horse rides. Unlocking the carriage at the inn was something I was very interested in. It did make me wonder though, what had happened to all the cars. I hadn’t seen one since I left Mrs. Percott’s farm. What about helicopters? Surely the military was out there somewhere blowing the tails of crocs left and right. Maybe things would be different when we made our way to the bigger cities.

It was a few hours past sunset when we finally made it back to Stanthorpe. I yawned and slid off Sob, stretching my aching muscles and rubbing my numb ass. At least my health was almost full again. In the distance, the familiar roars of our new reptilian overlords filled the night sky. Funny how the sound didn’t make me want to shit myself anymore. Guess I adapted pretty well to this crazy alien bullshit. You know, all things considered.

Nora slid off beside me and stumbled. I steadied her with a hand as I eyed the darkened streets ahead of us. This was the hard part, sneaking through the town until we reached the safe zone. Sob shifted and stamped his feet, tiny blue sparks dancing around his muzzle. His ears flicked back and forth, listening to the howls and the roars.

“Easy, boy,” I said. “Not long now and you’ll have a nice safe stable with all the oats you can eat.”

Stella didn’t feel much like waiting for us, she sniffed at the air and took off running into the streets ahead. I followed her, the others behind me.

“Wait,” Nora whispered, reaching out to grab my arm.

I froze. “What is it?”

“Shh…” She waited, her head turned at an odd angle, then she said, “do you hear that?”

I listened, not sure what she was talking about. Stella stood not far away, her ears perked to the left and her hackles raised.

“Help!”

The voice was faint, so faint I barely heard it. Stella barked and took off running toward the scream.

“No, wait!” I bellowed but she didn’t listen.

Nora raced past me; her axe held firmly in both hands. I drew my blades as I ran with a satisfying ring of metal. We rounded a corner and came face to face with the biggest croc I’d ever seen. It towered over the small man cowering at its feet.

Nora let out her war cry as she charged forward. Stella latched onto the thing's leg. I darted to the side, taking the advice Nora had once given me to attack monsters from behind. Besides, no better time than now to try out the added backstab advantage.

The man, I say man but the kid can’t have been more than eighteen, scurried back. I dodged around the beast, grinding my teeth as it roared. I jumped on top of a chunk of broken-off building and used it to launch myself. Both my blades sunk to the hilt into the croc's back, just below its bulging neck.

Overhead its health bar dropped, its name bright and bold above it.

Toilet Croc Chief.

The croc lashed out, tossing Nora across the road like she weighed nothing more than a ragdoll. Stella yelped as a clawed hand smashed into her, sending her flying in the opposite direction.

I struggled to yank one blade free before smashing it back down just below the bastard’s shoulder blade. The croc let out a wild growl and reached over, knocking me clean off its back with my blades still seated deep in its skin. The croc roared and thrashed sending me tumbling to the ground, my swords still stuck in the beast’s back. I rolled away from the crocs stamping feet.

Nora came charging back, sinking her battle axe into the beast’s stomach before being struck again. I watched her health plummet. A panic like nothing else I’d ever felt overwhelmed me. I couldn’t lose my new partner, not so soon after finding her.

Sob’s lightning whizzed through the air, lighting up the beast in blue sparks. The croc turned toward the horse and charged. Sob panicked and bolted. Without something to launch off of, there was no way I was reaching my blades.

The boy we’d come to save sobbed and covered his head with his scrawny arms. Stella wobbled to her feet but fell when she took a step, her leg bleeding and sticking out at an odd angle. Nora shifted where she’d landed, her hand searching blindly for her fallen battle-axe. I climbed to my feet, standing there like an idiot not sure what to do. If I had more arrows, I could blast a hole in the monster’s ass but I was all out.

“Everybody down!”

I dropped, covering my head. A blast so loud it muffled the crocs thundering footsteps filled the tight street. The croc stumbled back, blood spurting from a gaping wound in its chest.

My eyes wide, I searched for the source of the blast, my jaw dropping at the sight of the woman standing near Nora’s crumpled form.

I knew her. It didn’t matter that was wearing a black studded trench coat or that she had a ridiculously tall hat hiding her greying blonde hair or that her bright red thigh-high boots were so out of character. I knew her face. I knew her intense glare. If she turned around and dacked herself, I’m sure her heart-shaped birthmark would be on full display.

It was Mrs. Percott. And she was carrying a big ass rocket launcher.