Have you ever looked at someone and wondered how the hell that person was still alive? Like that girl who tried to retrieve her stuck toast by sticking a fork in the still plugged-in toaster? Or the guy who thought he could relive his youth by jumping off a roof into a pool and missed? Yeah, Bertram was one of those people.
I followed him for hours trying to find a moment to pick his pocket and some of the shit he did was just unbelievable. Three times, I’m not joking, three, he approached a croc monster and pulled out his lute, trying to impress the creature with an awful song about some moron called Warren the Wonderful. Each and every time the croc either bashed him into a bloody paste, swallowed him whole, or sliced him to ribbons with its claws.
The first time, I’d freaked, thinking I’d lost my chance to finish the quest the Shadow Walkers had given to me. But after a few minutes, he’d revived, dusted himself off, and left the place like nothing had happened, muttering about being unappreciated in his time like all the greats.
It was just unbelievable. He was a complete dunce and yet I envied his apparent immortality. It was clear he was an NPC but he didn’t act like it half the time. He ate food he found even if it was in the trash, he broke into buildings and stole beer, and he even visited a building with a red lantern hanging out the front. One that was much filthier than Lucinda’s Dance House. I followed him in there, hoping he’d be distracted enough for me to pickpocket him. What I’d seen in there had made me want to splash bleach in my eyes.
It was dark out now. I stood by the edge of a building leaning against the cold brick as I watched the moron serenade another croc. Stella stood beside me looking on with a surprising amount of indifference. Maybe Bertram was annoying her as much as he was me.
The croc roared, painting Bertram in an outrageous amount of slobber. Bertram didn’t stop his off-key singing the entire time. The croc had had enough. He grabbed Bertram by his feet and twirled him above its head like a baton before slinging him into a wall where he splattered like a rotten tomato. I shuddered but didn’t move from my hiding place. The croc was still there after all.
The croc snarled at the disfigured blob that was once a man and wandered off, its club-like feet thumping the ground with every step.
When the thing was far enough away I snuck from my hiding place and approached the wreck of Bertram’s once glamorously dressed corpse. The man clearly had a thing for brightly colored satin. I focused on the dripping blob and thought of my pickpocketing skill. Hey, it was worth a shot, alright?
Believe it or not, something actually happened. A little golden icon appeared displaying a hand grabbing a coin. I focused on the thing and got to see exactly what Bertram had been carrying.
Basic wooden lute
1,000 Gold
Amulet of Songbird
Broken harp
Moldy tuna sandwich
The sight of the sandwich almost made me hurl. Why the hell was he carrying that thing around?
Just like when I looted fallen enemies, there was a loot all button displayed. I focused on it but before anything could happen the broken glob of blood and flesh began to move.
Stella growled and stepped back. I moved with her, barely getting out of the way before Bertram began to reform in front of me.
“What an abominable beast,” Bertram muttered straightening his royal purple satin vest. His dull blue eyes alit on me growing big and round. “Hello there, who might you be.”
Damn, I’d missed my chance.
“Argh, hi, I’m Joe.” Dammit, why did I always insist on using my real name? It was like a reflex, one that was surprisingly hard to stop.
“Well, nice to meet you, Joe. Can I help you with something?”
My brain glitched, refusing to help me come up with a good excuse to be standing so close to him. “I heard you play, you’re incredible.”
Bertram beamed and stood up a little straighter. “Good of you to notice. If you have a scrap of paper handy I’ll sign it for you. It’ll be worth a lot of gold in no time at all.”
If you come across this story on Amazon, it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.
“Argh, sorry, I don’t have any.”
A little golden light appeared around the man's hands as he pulled his lute from nowhere. “A shame. How about a song instead?”
Shoot me. Just do it now. Right between the eyes. “Yes please.”
The song, holy cow the song, was worse than my jokes. Yeah, I know, that’s saying something. What’s worse, was the lyrics flashed up in front of my face in a fancy golden font like the system was giving me a highly unappreciated middle finger.
‘Oh, there once was a man named Warren the Wonderful,
Who wasn’t so wonderful at all.
He drank and he smoked and worst than that,
He was barely an inch tall.
He hollered and howled and chased all the girls,
Giving them an unwanted spank,
When the crocs came he cried in pain and was never seen again.
Oh, don’t you just love Melumek’s prank?’
Was that even a song at all? It was a wonder I managed to hide the constant stream of cringes that his ballad elicited in me. Did he really think he would become a famous bard with songs like that? When he was silent for longer than a few seconds, I started clapping. Thankfully the applause made him stop.
He gave a fanciful bow, twirling his hand and sticking out a foot and all. Could I just knock him out and pickpocket him then? Surely that wasn’t breaking any of the rules. Not very sneaky but it would get the job done.
“How about another?”
“Oh, I’d love to hear another but I’d hate to draw out any more of those crocs. You know how active they get at night and all. Maybe I could buy you a drink instead?”
The man’s disappointment disappeared in an instant. “What a wonderful idea! Come, let’s go to Darren’s Westside Bar and Grill, he knows just how I like it.”
Good. So I had some time. I just had to steal the amulet before this Darren fella tried to get any gold from me. It might get a bit hinky if they all realized I was flat-broke.
“Come, come, there’s no time to waste!” Bertram practically bellowed. I flinched, looking around for the source of the roars that were getting closer. “The crocs don’t appreciate my music at all but all the lads in the bar can’t get enough of it. They always go crazy, throwing peanuts and beer and everything just to get my attention. It’s quite endearing actually…”
Oh my god.
“Warren the Wonderful is one of my best. You should feel very blessed that I sang it for you without charging you my standard fee. I can charge up to one thousand gold for my wonderful songs, you know? Yes, you should feel very honored indeed…”
Please, shut up.
“This one time, they even begged me to sing on the stage of the Sydney Opera House. I had to turn it down unfortunately due to a previous engagement. A man must stick to his word after all, even if it is to his own detriment…”
Where did the croc go? He can eat me, I won’t even get mad.
“Can you believe it? And this other time, when I was up in…”
I fell a step or two behind as we meandered through the darkened streets. At every corner I stiffened, just waiting for something to attack us, but nothing came. Damn.
Bertram just wouldn’t stop talking so I did the only thing I could think of, I focused on my skill and looked at the man's pockets. The item list of his inventory popped up again. I lingered over the loot-all button but rethought it. I’d been warned before that getting caught could see me dead.
I focused on the amulet. It was all I really needed. I assumed gold would be very high risk based on a game I’d played in the past. The amulet probably was too given it was the only enchanted thing he held but it was quest related and I needed it. It’s not that I minded getting into a fight with the man, with both me and Stella here it was a given that we would win. I didn’t know what going down that path would mean though and it just wasn’t worth the risk when the man barely had anything at all. I crossed my fingers and focused harder.
“Tell me more,” I said absently, hoping to keep him distracted.
“Genevieve wasn’t even the only girl to throw herself at me. There was a whole gaggle of them just hoping to meet me…”
New Item Received: Amulet of Songbird
Description: A fine golden charm necklace with a jeweled bird pendant. This amulet has been enchanted by the witch who crafted it.
Effect: +1 Charisma. 1% possibility to captivate others.
Bertram was still talking. I bent down and grabbed Stella’s collar being careful to avoid the spikes on her vest. The bard didn’t stop his rambling as he continued around a corner, not even noticing that I wasn’t walking with him anymore.
“Come on Stella,” I whispered. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
We hurried away in the opposite direction. My quest icon was flashing and I opened it to see the update.
New quest: Shiny Baubles
Description: Return to the Master of the Shadow Walkers for your prize.
I would, I just had one more thing to do first. I opened my map and searched for the marker directing me to the Glow Worm Cave. It was time to find the untrustworthy apprentice. We changed direction, heading for the caves.
Along the way, I found the croc that had smashed Bertram into the wall. I smiled, keeping to the shadows as I drew my blades. I almost didn’t want to kill the monster. Not now that I understood why he’d violently murdered the moronic bard. Experience points were still important though and so was loot that didn’t involve moldy tuna sandwiches.