"Up on the hill overlooking the ocean,

Is a fair maiden just swimming in lotion

She’ll wet her pink lips with a slow lick,

Toss her a gem and she’ll suck your dick!

Oh maiden oh maiden oh maiden so true

Please keep my jewels from turning blue

Oh maiden oh maiden oh maiden so fair

Please cry my name while I tug your hair"

I hung my head in shame as the others turned their glares in my direction. Nigel had spent the last twenty minutes regaling us with his favorite gnome songs and every single one of them was as colorful as ‘oh maiden so fair’.

We had traveled day and night until the first of us dropped from exhaustion. I’d scouted the forest and found us a quiet little cave hidden behind the roaring torrent of a small waterfall. The cave ran deep and thankfully had another way out in case we’d been tracked this far. This is where we’d made camp.

Theo had warned us the Elders wouldn’t give up so easily. They had an entire village filled with players to send after us. I’d tried to cover our tracks but not a single one of our party aside from Gabby could move without leaving a painfully obvious trail. Seriously, a herd of brumbies could have moved more stealthily.

After a night of rest, we’d have to just keep moving to avoid capture. Nora had saved all of us from a multiple-month-long journey on foot by reminding us that the goblins in Stanthorpe had a carriage we could all use. At learning he would be home that much sooner, Nigel had been reveling like it was New Year's Eve. He’d pulled out tiny bottles of some sort of gnome alcohol that smelled like petrol and tasted like burning death as it slid down your throat. I’d choked down one of the things before turning down anymore. I’ll admit, the little buzz it gave me was nice but the taste… I’d rather shove a dirty sock in my mouth.

Gabby marched back into the cave rubbing her eyes and I took her place out front, looking from my little perch for any intruders who got too close. I know I needed sleep, probably more than all of the others, but for some reason, my brain refused to stop whirring.

Did the other Elders truly believe the world's savior was a little foul-mouthed gnome? And, if they somehow did believe that, why had they chosen torture over any other means to get information out of the creature?

The Fellowship of Fayum, well, two low-ranking members anyway, had called the people of Oliver’s Rest the ‘good guys’ but I had my doubts that was true. They just hid their crazy a little better than the members of the Fellowship did. It was disappointing that after so long we’d barely found more than a handful of people that shared our desire to escape this hellish world. It made me wonder, were we the ones who were crazy? Maybe we should be adapting like they were instead of fighting it so hard. It would certainly be easier.

It wasn’t just my morals keeping me back from doing just that, it was more an overpowering desire to complete the main questline. I’m not even sure I truly cared whether the Crocs fucked off after we finished it, I just knew I wanted to win, and there’s only one way to win a game.

Jacob plonked down hard beside me. I glared at him and muttered, “must you be so loud?”

Jacob ignored the comment, handing me a small loaf of damper and a mug of warm stew. “You didn’t eat when the rest of us did,” he said.

I smiled and placed the mug down beside me, tearing chunks from the bread and shoving them in my mouth. We sat in silence for a long time as I ate. Jacob’s eyes swept the forest. His face was still pale but his eyes had a determination in them I’d not seen before.

I used my Identify skill on him, just to see how he ranked compared to all the others.

Jacob Jones - Level 12 Gunslinger

I had expected him to be at a much higher level given how quickly he’d reached level ten. I wanted to ask him about the time before we’d met but I wasn’t sure he trusted me enough to tell me. We weren’t really that close.

I held the warm mug in my hands and looked out at the forest, aside from a family of bats squeaking and fluttering overhead the night was still and quiet. The moon was full and the sky was clear of clouds, making it a very bright night.

“How are you coping with all this chaos?” I asked.

Jacob fidgeted before answering, “not great. I’m not sure how much help I will be. I’m a gunslinger that can barely hit the broad side of a barn.”

Stolen story; please report.

“You’ll get there mate, it's not an easy thing to learn,” I said.

“I doubt it. I trained every day for hours in Oliver’s Rest and barely got any better.”

“Maybe it’s your weapon, or you’re closing the wrong eye, or using the wrong hand to hold your gun?”

Jacob laughed but it was not a happy sound. “I wish it was that simple.”

I sighed and spotted a koala running between some trees. “Looky there, you don’t see ‘em on the ground very often.”

Jacob frowned, “what, I can’t see anything?

“Right there, it’s a koala, see?”

Jacob just shook his head as his eyes wandered over the spot the koala was sitting in. Too late; the little creature climbed up the tree and disappeared amongst the branches. The boy rubbed his eyes and yawned.

“I guess I’m too tired to see anything. I better go get some sleep.”

I frowned. Something felt off. “Hey Jacob, can you see the bats flying over those trees?”

“Yeah, kinda. They’re pretty far away. They’re just blotches. Anyway, I talk to you later.”

I just stared in horror as Jacob walked away with little more than a wave. I didn’t think he was as terrible as he thought he was. He just needed fucking glasses. The kid couldn’t make out things at a distance. Fuck. What do you think the chances are of an optometrist surviving the Toilet Croc Invasion? They don’t sell distance glasses at your local pharmacy.

I sat there for hours, watching for danger as my mind spiraled. I didn’t know how to help Jacob. It’s not like just telling him that his eyes were bad would help any. Maybe if I ever ran into Red again I could ask if he sold anything that would help. Could Sob’s healing magic fix it? I doubt it, he’d healed Jacob before and it hadn’t helped his eyesight any.

Theo marched from the cave and relieved me for the last shift of the night. I yawned and stretched my aching body as I wandered back into the cave. I moved to drop atop my bedroll but found it occupied by a small, snoring man with a pointy red hat pulled low over his eyes. I shrugged and fell on Theo’s instead, pulling the covers up to my chin as my brain finally shut off for a brief moment.

Nora shook me awake and pushed a warm cup of tea into my hands. I thanked her and drank the warm brew, wishing it was a strong black coffee instead. Tea just wasn’t hitting the spot.

I eyed Jacob as he wandered about, still torn about what to do.

“Come on everyone,” Nora said, hurrying everyone to their feet. “We have to get moving. Stanthorpe is still days away.”

She tried to wake Nigel only to be met by a feral hissing and a slap to her calf. I watched the drama unfold as I slowly sipped my tea. Nigel had chosen the worse person to attack. Nora grabbed him by the scruff and lifted him into the air, pressing the curved edge of her killer axe against the gnome's throat.

“Do you really want to start a fight with me you little rat?” she snapped.

The gnome bared his teeth. “Without me, all of you will become Melumek’s little playthings for all eternity.”

Nora pressed harder. “It’s not you, we need. It’s the real Nigel. Now fucking behave or I’ll decorate my belt with your severed head.”

The gnome chose to behave rather than take on Nora anymore.

It only took a few minutes to clean up the mess we’d made and put out the little cookfire. Once we were done, it was time to face the dangers of the outback once more.

Three days later we marched, tired and sore, into the outskirts of Stanthorpe. Every one of us was battered and bruised, even Sob. That’s what happens when you somehow get attacked by one type of beast after another for days on end. Did you know there were Giant Brown Scorpions? Yeah, the Minor ones had some big brothers. Ones that were far more determined to kill, maim and poison anything with a heartbeat.

We dragged our feet as we made our way toward the inn. A Common Striped Cobra slid out from the shadows, blocking our way. Nora barely looked at the thing. You know it had to be bad when even she couldn’t be bothered anymore.

I took out my bow with sluggish movements and dipped the arrow into the wet end of the Toxic Toad’s tongue that was still shoved in my bum bag. I’d discovered it was a potent poison even without being further refined.

I shot the arrow, watching with satisfaction as it struck the snake's eyeball sliding deeper into the creature than it would have had it hit scales instead. Gabby gave me a thumbs-up. I smiled and yanked the arrow free from the dead snake, looting its meager belongings before stepping over it like it was nothing more than a tree root.

I know arrows aren’t as good after they’ve been used in a battle but so far I’ve seen little difference. Gabby, however, seemed to be able to analyze which arrows were still good enough to keep. I’d watched her stand over corpses and hold her hand above an arrow before either returning it to her quiver or leaving it behind. It seemed like a useful skill for an archer to have.

“Hello,” bellowed Taki as he came charging from around the back of the little out-of-place inn.

Sob whinnied excitedly and pushed past everyone, charging around the building to his stable of pampering and infinite quality food.

“Hello Taki,” Nora said, stifling a yawn. “It’s good to see you again.”

Theo was looking at the carriage in the corner of the yard, making the small green goblin in the driver's seat shift uncomfortably. “Should we go now, or rest first?” he said.

We all just looked at him like he was crazy. Even Gabby just shook her head at her father’s stupid question. Jacob shoved into the warm, cozy great room followed closely by everyone else. I walked in last, Nigel strangely quiet as he rode on my shoulder. The way his weight made me slump to one side made me desperate to get Frank back just to even it out.

“Welcome, welcome. It’s good to see so many smiling faces. How many ales would you like? I have a nice boar roasting on the fire if anyone is hungry,” Phlegm said in his jovial tone.

The large goblin's eyes fell on me and then slid just as quickly to Nigel sitting on my shoulder. Phlegm’s eyes widened as he growled through the tusks rising up at the corners of his mouth.

“Gnomes are not welcome here,” he grunted. “He leaves, or you all do.”

Nigel, no longer silent, screamed, “fuck you, you green, bucktoothed troll!”

Phlegm leaped over the counter and charged with a roar, hitting me square in the gut and sending me, and my screaming passenger, right back out the doorway onto the hard-packed dirt of the yard.