“Let me get this straight. Orion, the guy who likes teleporting through fireplaces, just came up to you, a goblin tavern owner, and demanded to speak to me, a complete nobody and subpar thief. Is that right?”

“Not just asking to speak to you. The guy wanted to know everything I know about you. Right down to the color of the underpants you’re wearing,” Phlegm answered.

I looked up at the almost clear blue sky overhead as the wonder of it crept through me. “I’m not going to ask about the underpants but holy cow, I’ve never had a stalker before. I don’t know whether to be honored or completely grossed out.”

“If I were you, I'd go with terrified. That guy practically radiated murderous intent,” Phlegm muttered.

“That part is not surprising. But what does he want with me? I would have thought he’d be chasing after his oh-so-precious seals.”

Phlegm lifted a wooly eyebrow at me. “What are you talking about? Do you know this man?”

“Well, no, not really. We’ve crossed paths a time of two. Sort of. I don’t know why he’d be interested in me though. As I said, that guy is all about his little seal things which frankly I know nothing about.”

Now that I was saying it out loud though I was starting to wonder why I hadn’t tried to learn what they were. I mean, if keeping Melumek out of this realm was really the ultimate goal of this game then why wasn’t I even remotely interested in Orion and his mischievous doings in the shadows? Was it because the game had never given me a quest that related to him? That was a little single-minded of me.

“Joe… Joe, are you still with me?”

I blinked and look back at the rotund green man. “Huh?”

“I lost you for a bit there. Where did you go?”

“Nowhere special. Just had a bit of a thought. Say, you’re a knowledgeable kind of guy, yeah?”

Phlegm shifted uncomfortably on his rock, flicking his tail back and forth. “What do you want?”

“Do you know how finding Nigel the Sentinel is supposed to stop Melumek?” I asked.

Phlegm’s face turned a darker shade of green as he stared at me. “I can’t tell you that! They’ll kill me.”

“Alright then answer this question; who is ‘they’?”

“I can’t…”

“I know, I know. You can’t answer that question. You know, it would make our lives a lot simpler if you did,” I muttered as I bent to pick up a flat stone and skipped it over the water.

“For you maybe. If I told you any of that I’d be a dead man. That doesn’t sound like a fun time to me.”

“Then what can you tell me?”

Phlegm jumped up and picked up his three buckets full of fish. “I can tell you what’s for dinner; grilled herring. Interested?”

I sighed and shook my head as I trailed the goblin back toward his tavern. The completed notification had never popped up for Phlegm’s quest but the goblin seemed done with me. What else was there to do? I also didn’t understand the need for all this secrecy when the tavern owner was giving me nothing.

“Phlegm, was that really all you wanted to tell me?”

The goblin stopped with his foot on the first step of the staircase that would take us off the riverbank. “No, there is one more thing. You must promise not to show it to anyone. It skirts the line between the things we can say to you players and the things we can’t. If you get me killed over this stupid feud I will cook you into a stew and feed you to my prize-winning wombat. Understand?”

“Just give it to me.”

Phlegm placed one of his buckets on the ground and pulled a thick envelope from his pocket. He handed it to me before retrieving his bucket and flying up the steps with a speed I never would have thought possible.

Quest Completed: A Mysterious Note

I turned the envelope over in my hands, hating the fact that my name was scrawled on the front in decorative cursive over and over until there wasn’t any room left. The flap of it had been sealed shut with a glob of red wax. Three circles connected by a single straight line had been pressed into the wax.

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I cracked the seal and pulled out the folded card tucked inside. The card had a large pink frosted donut on the front with the words ‘I donut know what I’d do without you, valentine’ written around it in a continuous circle. I stared at it for a long time, wondering where the hell Orion had gotten a Valentine’s Day card from when the holiday was a good five months away. It was too soon for the shelves to be stacked with candies, cards, and heart-holding teddy bears.

Feeling weird I opened the card and read what Orion had left for me.

To my Beloved,

It has come to my attention that you are the key to my latest project. If I am ever to see my dear friend Melumek again I need your help.

If you can find it in your heart to come see me, I’ll be waiting at Lovers Point at sunset.

Oh, and just in case you’re feeling shy, your friend Theo is here with me.

If you come, I promise he won’t get hurt.

Missing you terribly,

Orion xoxo

New Quest: Orion’s Challenge

Description: Orion, the mysterious man somehow linked to the Fellowship of Fayum and the Outsiders has demanded a sunset meeting at Lovers Point. If you fail to present yourself he will murder the man known as .

Time Remaining: 4 hours 24 minutes

I screwed up my nose and stuffed the damn card back into its envelope, tearing the weak paper as I did. The asshole clearly didn’t know me from Adam. If he wanted to force me to see him he should have chosen a better bargaining chip than a man I wanted dead.

Too bad for him I would be long gone across the country by sunset. I might have to find a way to introduce Orion to Kendrick someday though. Something tells me they’d get along really well.

I shoved the card into my bum bag and climbed the stairs much slower than Phlegm had, whistling over my shoulder to Stella as I did. She barked and came running. The tavern wasn’t far. Not a single pigeon tried to dump a load of acid on my head which was a bit of a relief. Although I wouldn’t have minded too much collecting a few more of those Acid Sacks.

I pushed into the tavern and paused, shocked by the disaster within. Three large men covered in faded tattoos and wearing strange combinations of frayed leather and metal plate armor were charging around the dining area, destroying tables and smashing glasses against the far wall. Above their heads Frank was spiraling in tight circles, screaming at them to shut up.

Gabby and Jacob were hiding in the far corner, trying not to get in the way of the three hooligans. Stella dropped into an aggressive pose, showing her teeth as she snarled. I couldn’t see Nora anywhere but Taki and Phlegm were running around like crazy trying to clean up the mess.

“What is going on in here,” I snapped before I had a chance to think.

The three men paused in their destructive rampage and turned toward me. I swallowed hard with regret when I realized just how tall and wide every one of them was. They could flatten me without even breaking a sweat. Fuck.

“Who do you think you are, fuckwad?” The leader of the three bellowed. “This tavern is ours. If you’ve got half a brain in that skull of yours, you’ll turn your ass around and leave.”

“I’m warning you,” I said with the smallest of shakes in my voice. “If the three of you don’t hit the road you’ll regret it.”

Stella snarled louder, her hackles rising with every step the man took in my direction. Seeing the giant dog like that gave the man pause for half a second. Then he took out his twin hammers and roared with enough force to make his three stubbled chins wobble.

“You’re dead meat punk, say your prayers.”

I swallowed and drew my sword. Facing monsters didn’t seem so bad compared to battling other players. This kind of battle was a little too real and just completely unnecessary. This was supposed to be a safe zone. So much for that, I guess.

“For fuck sake, I go to the bathroom for a few minutes and this is what I come back to? Phlegm, what is this?”

I sighed my relief as Nora stepped off the stairs and placed her hands on her hips, glaring at the men as she waited for Phlegm’s response.

“It’s just a little misunderstanding Mistress Nora, nothing to worry about. These fine folk here were just a little upset that dinner wasn’t quite ready yet,” the goblin said as he picked up a fallen chair.

“Is that so,” Nora said her eyes briefly flashing in my direction. “Well, I think you three should leave. Perhaps you can come back when you’ve learned some manners.”

The leader of the three let out a brutish laugh. “And who do you think you are to boss us around, skirt? Maybe you should get back in the kitchen or better yet, my bed.”

I hissed through my teeth and bolted for the corner to join Gabby and Jacob. Stella tucked her tail between her legs and followed me at full speed. Frank dropped down from above, burying his head beneath a wing.

The air around us began to crackle as Nora stepped away from the stairs and growled, “What did you just say to me?”

One of the other men stepped forward and swept her with his gaze. His tongue poked out of his mouth, slowly sliding along his lips as he flexed his thick fingers. “Don’t listen to him beautiful, come crawl into my bed. I’m the one that can show you a good time.”

Phlegm and Taki joined us in the corner. The taller of the two whispered just loud enough for me to hear, “My poor tavern won’t survive this.”

I clamped my hand on Phlegm’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, she’ll leave something behind for you to salvage.”

“Come on pretty lady,” the third man snapped. “Don’t keep us waiting. I’ll give you gold if you do a little dance for me.”

Nora reached over her shoulder and slowly drew her war axe from the strap holding it in place. The three men took that as a threat and charged.

The smile that crept over Nora’s face as she swung her axe was almost terrifying to see. The bellows of anger slowly turned to screams as she moved through the room with the ease and grace of a seasoned warrior. The room filled with the sound of wood shattering and metal striking metal. Phlegm sobbed and buried his head against Taki’s smaller shoulder as blood splattered from the floor to the ceiling high above.