Look, I know you think I’m just some lazy master procrastinator, but I promise that’s not all there is to me. Okay, yeah, it’s a pretty big part, I’ll give you that. I have other parts, though—parts that are firm and maybe a little bit naughty. No, not like that! Get your mind out of the gutter, geez.

What I mean is I can be determined. I can bend the rules to get what I want. I can play the innocent card when really it was me who broke the school window and should be spending the next month in detention. Wow, that was a blast from the past. I hadn’t thought about that day in a very long time. You should have seen Keith’s face. Almost twenty-five years later, it still makes me laugh my ass off.

No, I am not wasting time. Shut up.

I had thought I had mapped the entirety of the pipes that ran over the top of the Outsider's hideout, turns out I was wrong. Shocker, right?

I didn’t find the tunnel I had dubbed ‘Satan’s Butt Crack’ until I had been heading back toward the stable I’d left Sob in. I’ll admit it; I had kind of given up hope the moment Theo had picked up the bolt from the growing room floor. The giant traitorous bastard already had Frank, and now he’d seen weaponry I knew he would recognize for what it was. It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together. I’d been relying on the element of surprise. So much for that.

I had to fall back and make a new plan.

And like all my other plans that had worked out perfectly, this one did as well. I turned down the main shaft that would lead down to the spillway over the river when I was stopped by the most terrifying monster I had seen in this entire game world.

A Tentarat.

Yep, you read that right. Don’t let its unholy cuteness fool you. The Tentarat was a deadly beast with the body of a grey-furred rat. Its eyes were enormous and somehow sparkled, a little like the eyes of an anime character might have. Its soft hairless tail had been replaced by ten wavering red tentacles covered in suckers.

The thing squeaked and skittered up the walls, its suckers making a squelching sound every time it moved.

“Don’t be so cute,” I demanded, pointing an accusatory finger at the beast. “I know you’re just trying to lull me into a false sense of security.”

The Tentarat chirped and hung its head, hiding its bright eyes behind its tiny paws.

“Are you deaf? What did I just say?”

The Tentarat turned away from me, dramatically squelching away over the pipe ceiling, seemingly unbothered by things such as gravity. It hadn’t gone far when it solemnly looked back at me with those damn puppy dog eyes.

“Fine, damn you and your cuteness. Help me out here, would you? Is there a faster way to the outside?” I asked.

The Tentarat squealed its delight before rushing back to me. It flung itself off the ceiling and wrapped its tentacles around my face. At first, I panicked, but it seemed like all it wanted to do was give me a very uncomfortable kind of hug.

“Alright, that’s enough,” I said, my voice muffled by the creature.

The Tentarat let go and dropped into the sludge below me. I followed it as it scurried away, back toward the Outsider's main hall. Do you know how hard it is to turn around in a cramped and dark pipe? Yeah, not fun. I’m not a bloody contortionist.

We didn’t get very far before the creature climbed onto the wall again, seemingly unable to keep its feet, ugh, I mean tentacles, well, both actually, on the floor. It chirped and squealed as it turned in circles around a patch of safety yellow paint on the concrete. Even in the gloom, I could recognize that paint anywhere. Gordon had bitched and moaned about it every time he’d had to repaint some of the farm machinery.

I reached up to touch the spot. Just before my fingers brushed the cold, wet wall, the Tentarat leaped at me, wrapping itself around my wrist like a replica of the crossbow strapped to my other one. He didn’t weigh much at all, but the way his suckers pressed into my skin was extremely uncomfortable. I shuddered and grit my teeth, pressing my fingers on the paint patch.

Welcome, dear reader, to Satan’s Butt Crack.

The floor opened up beneath me, and I fell into a river of sludge. My scream turned to helpless gagging as my mouth filled with the foul liquids and thicker clumps I didn’t want to think too hard about. I flew through the tunnel. My face stung from the tiny needles of airborne filth as my nose filled with its rotting stench.

Blinding lights in every color of the spectrum flashed in nonsensical patterns with only long patches of darkness in between. The air was much hotter than it had been in the pipe up above. The sludge was on the verge of burning me, the humidity almost enough to choke me. The Tentarat was vibrating on my wrist, but I couldn’t hear the sounds it was making over the thundering whoosh that filled my ears.

The wall rushed up on me before I could even begin to orientate myself. My health bar flashed and shrunk by half from the sheer force of hitting it. I gasped and curled around myself, pressing my shaking hand against my deflated chest.

The torrent of filth rushed down a wide grate only a hands width from my face. It roared into the oblivion beneath me, joining the rushing waters that wound their way through the tunnels toward who knows what.

The Tentarat chortled happily and detached from my wrist. To it, it had been nothing more than a waterslide. For me, it had been a journey through hell.

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I lay there for so long the tiny adorable creature started slapping me in the face with its many tentacles.

“Fine, enough,” I gasped, pulling myself up from my pained huddle.

I looked around, trying to see through the bright spots that still danced in front of my eyes. A rusty metal hatch was attached to the wall not far from me. The Tentarat chirped and rushed to it, climbing over it in rapid circles as it had done on the painted splotch up above.

“I…I… get it,” I managed as I limped over. “There… There’s something… there for me, right?”

Screee!

I yelped and covered my ears at the horrible sound, glaring at the small creature that was almost level with my face.

“What the hell is the matter with you?”

Screee!

I muttered and cursed under my breath. I grabbed the noisy little bastard and slapped him back against my wrist like one of those toy bracelets you got from the fair. Surprisingly, he was more than happy enough to curl back around my limb. Shaking my head, I focused on the lockpicking icon.

The bouncing balls that had once caused me all manner of trouble were now a soothing pastime, almost like an odd form of meditation.

The lock clicked, and the hatch squeaked open. Dim firelight filtered in through the opening. Carefully I climbed through, trying hard not to knock the Tentarat’s head on the hard wall as I squeezed through the tight hole.

I stood, pressing a hand to my still-spinning head. I stumbled on a rug. The Tentarat reached out with a tentacle, holding me upright with an insane amount of strength. I got my feet back under me and traced the stretched-out tentacle with my eyes until they landed on an enormous mahogany four-poster bed.

My mouth dropped open at the sight of it. I reached out, gingerly touching the intricately embroidered quilt that covered the plush mattress. I scanned the rest of the room, amazed by it all. A place like this didn’t belong in the sewers. Delicate tapestries hung on the walls, the rug I’d stumbled on was not the only one covering the floor, and a well-padded armchair sat in front of the brazier. Even the smell of excrement had been replaced by something more robust and earthy.

“What is this place?” I murmured, closing the hatch behind me just in case.

Screee!

“Okay, I swear to the Goddess, if you do that one more time, I’m going to stab you.”

The Tentarat whimpered and shrunk, tightening its grip on my wrist and covering its eyes with its paws. How the hell a little rat monster could make me feel bad about reprimanding it, I’ll never know.

I moved around the cozy room, sidestepping an enormous carved chest at the end of the bed as I headed for the door. Part of me desperately wanted to stay here where it was warm and comfortable. The other part of me wanted to find out where the hell I was.

I reached for the doorknob, realizing almost too late what the thuds on the other side actually were. I swore and ran, diving under the bed and kicking my feet to get in deeper. Silver sparkles danced around me, drawing a relieved sigh from my lips. The Tentarat plopped to the ground and disappeared into the deeper shadows, letting out what might have been a disgruntled hiss.

The door swung open on silent hinges, and a pair of heavy boots strode inside. I froze in place, watching under the corner of the dangling quilt as the man waltzed right by me.

“I can’t believe this fiasco,” the man rumbled in a baritone I recognized. “We’re so close, and yet… I don’t know.”

The fire in the brazier flared bright, casting shadows across the floor. A pair of polished heeled boots hit the rug, followed by a voice I had hoped never to hear again.

“Are you done pretending to care?”

I carefully inched forward, ducking my head to look out at the pair. Ryan stood there, tugging at his enormous ginger beard. Beside him was Orion, the man's face still shrouded by his flaming cape.

Fuck.

“Tanya caught the idiots before they could find her precious flower,” Ryan said. “I’m going to have to do it myself.”

Orion sighed and dropped into the armchair, kicking a leg out over the arm of it. “Good help is so hard to find these days.”

“Theo left his room. That might be a problem. I was relying on his grief to keep him out of the way,” Ryan grumbled.

Orion snorted. “He might hold the title of Champion, but he is no threat to us. Not without his little pack of unruly followers.”

“Do you know what’s happened to them? I don’t imagine you had anything to do with their disappearance.”

“Please. I have seals to break. These people mean nothing to me. Melumek’s newest Lady might have dipped her toes into it, though. She is wicked through and through. My kind of lady, I tell you,” Orion said.

The Tentarat pressed up against my cheek. I bit down hard on my tongue to keep from screaming, tightening every muscle in my body just to stay still. I glared at my newest headache in animal form, but it didn’t seem to care very much.

“What if Joe comes back?” Ryan asked.

“Who is Joe?”

“The leader of Theo’s little group of troublemakers.”

I smiled, chuffed to my core at being called the leader.

“Oh, of course, the one that ruined my plans at Castle Condamine. I remember now.” The man in the flaming cloak tapped a finger against his chin. “If he comes back, kill him. We’re down to five seals. I don’t want the idiot getting in my way again.”

Double fuck.

“He won’t go easy. I tried to break him when he was here, and the bastard fought me tooth and nail.”

Orion snorted. “What, scared of a thief, Ryan? I thought you had bigger balls than that.”

“Fine. Whatever. Unless you’ve got something interesting to say, can you get the hell out of here? I want to get some rest.”

“Of course, Princess. Would you like me to read you a bedtime story before I go?”

Ryan roared, his hammer slamming into the padded armchair where Orion had been only moments before. The chair shattered, spewing stuffing and broken wood in every direction, some of it scorched from the strange man’s flaming cape. Orion’s chuckle filled the room, growing distant as the flames in the brazier burned brighter again.

Ryan cursed and stomped about, dropping his clothes all over the floor before clambering onto the large bed. The mattress depressed on creaking springs, the pinching metal almost biting into my backside. I huddled there in the sparkles as Ryan began to snore like a freight train, contemplating everything I’d just heard.