“Where the hell have you been?” I bellowed.

Red reared back like I’d slapped him. “The hell are you talking about man? I’m a wandering merchant, where did you want me to be?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe in a park in the middle of a maze of webs instead of some bitch named Ruby.”

Red reached up with a hand and rubbed at his neck as he let out a quick harsh breath through his teeth. “Met my ex-wife did you? My condolences. Don’t hold it against me, alright?”

“Is that the Arachnes that got you trapped in the Shadow Realm?” Nora asked me.

“Arachnes?” I asked.

Nora lifted a brow at me. “Yeah, that’s what Red and that Ruby woman are. Didn’t you know that?”

Red stepped closer on his lanky legs, spreading them wide to lower his mismatched body and look me in the eye. “Yeah, Joe, didn’t you know that?”

I threw my arms up in defeat. “Alright, enough. I’m not a walking bestiary. My bad.”

Red laughed and righted himself, brushing imaginary dust from his slender shoulders. “Anyhow, it’s not my normal hours of business but I’ll make an exception for you fine folks. Would you be interested in a Croc Repellent Trumpet? Or maybe a decorative Pyramid of Skulls to perk up the boring corner of your humble abode? I have amulets and swords and all manner of potions. What do you say? Whatever you need I have it and if I don’t, I know right where to get it!”

I blinked and stared up at the beast I called friend. “Do you have a personality outside of trying to sell shit?”

“Hey, a man’s gotta make a living. No need to be rude about it.”

Nora elbowed me and said, “He might have a new axe for me!”

Red’s eyes twinkled in a manner I found suspicious. “I was wondering what was different about you. You just don’t look right without a hefty axe in your hand. Lucky for you I have just the thing! Come have a look.”

Red stiffened in place as Nora approached. I was intrigued to see her face go slack and her eyes glaze over as she entered what had to be Red’s merchant menu. It was interesting to see. I always thought we just continued as normal when we were looking at menus. Hell, I’d even had a full-blown conversation with Red the last time I’d been shopping. Had that been all in my head?

A slimy tentacle wrapped around my wrist making me jerk. Boopzy chittered and swung himself up, pressing his fuzzy face against my cheek as he settled around my neck. I tickled him under the chin. It really was unfair that Nora made him stay away from the fire. Boopzy might not have been your traditional pet but he grew on you.

“Sorry buddy, she’ll come around. I promise.”

Like my words had been a magic spell Nora broke out of her stupor and turned around with a wicked cry. Her cheeks were flushed red and her eyes were flashing with something akin to greed.

“Joe,” she practically screamed. “Lend me some money, please!”

Boopzy cried out and slithered further around my neck away from her. Nora screamed again but this time it was not from excitement. Her grip on my shoulders turned into a vicious shove that almost saw me on my ass.

“What the hell woman?” I snapped.

“What is that thing doing around your neck? It’s not a bloody scarf.”

Boopzy whined and buried his head under my collar. “You are so mean,” I muttered.

Nora shook herself and locked her eyes on me, aggressively avoiding looking at the Tentarat. “You have to lend me some money.”

“I really don’t think I do.”

“Please, please, please. I’ll pay you back. Come on man this thing is amazing. I need it. I have to have it. Please.”

“What are you even talking about? What the hell does he have in his shop? Besides, you have way more money than I do.”

Nora’s lips turned down in a sour expression. “No, I don’t. Miranda only let me keep my armor. She took everything else.”

My brows dipped hard at that one. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Miranda, our friend in the once flaming pink dress, has turned to the dark side. Why would anything she does make sense?”

“Because she’s not an idiot.”

“Stop changing the subject. Please, I need this axe, it’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Come on, you know I’m good for it. With an axe like that I can make my gold back threefold,” she begged, placing her hands tightly together.

I sighed and threaded my fingers into my hair as I turned toward Red who had been oddly silent but was wearing a grin that could only be described as shit-eating. “Any chance both of us can have a look at your wares at the same time.”

Red’s face changed as he rubbed his chin and his pale forehead crinkled. “Hmm, maybe. I’ve never done it before but I don’t see why it can’t be done. Come on both of you, step closer.”

I gave Nora a look as we moved cautiously closer. The trading window flashed in front of my face with a flattering close-up of Red’s face on one side with a similar image of Nora directly under it. The other half of the screen was filled with an enormous list of items and of course, their heavily inflated prices.

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

Red’s information was displayed as it had been before but this time his stash of gold was a good five times larger.

Red the Travelling Trader

Gold: 15,000

Nora had a sad figure floating in the top right corner of her display.

Nora Nightingale

Gold: 0

Is it wrong that I was a little thrilled that mine was so much higher than either of theirs?

Joseph Griffon

Gold: 35,000

“Alright Red,” I said trying not to think about how the pair of us must be standing there like weird lifeless statues. “Show me this axe she’s going on about.”

Red beamed and with an odd salute started filtering through his items. “You won’t regret this purchase my friend, no siree.”

“It’s not a done deal, don’t get too excited.”

“Just wait, Joe,” Nora said. “She’s a beaut.”

I sighed. For such a tough and no-nonsense kind of woman, Nora really had no idea how to go about negotiating.

“There, that’s the one. Look at her!”

I focused on the image of a wicked-looking axe and read the description that came along with it.

Carbon Steel Battleaxe of Bountiful Sundering

Description: A ferocious battleaxe honed for blasting through armor and dealing heavy damage. Suited for those who like to wound and slaughter. Blessed by the Primordial Divitiae, this gloriously forged weapon will fill your coffers.

Restricted to the Warrior Class with Heavy Weapon Proficiency.

Effect: 33% chance to cause bleeding. Gold drop increased by 25%.

Charge: 2,000/2,000

I’ll admit it. The damn thing seemed pretty good. Or at least it did before I looked at the price of it.

Carbon Steel Battleaxe of Bountiful Sundering

31,000

It took everything I had to keep my face vacant. “Nora,” I said. “Can I speak with you for a moment?”

We snapped back into our bodies as the trading window closed. Not bothering to be gentle about it, I grabbed her arm and dragged her back to the fire. Red stayed where he was, wearing his grin as he inspected his fingernails as if he wasn't internally dancing a jig at the possible sale.

I yanked Nora around ignoring the way she cried out when Boopzy placed a tentacle on her shoulder.

“Joe, please. I know…”

“No.”

“But, Joe…”

“No.”

“But…”

“No buts. I can’t buy that. Do you know how long it took me to make that money?” I said.

“Didn’t you see the gold drop effect? You’ll have it all back in no time.”

“Look, it’s amazing, I get that. It’s almost everything I have though. He had another one that was only ten thousand gold. Can’t we get you that one? It’s still awesome. It would be the most I have ever spent on, well, anything.”

“Please don’t make me get on my knees and beg,” Nora said.

I bit the inside of my cheek to hold back the inappropriate comment. I wasn’t around the other cow hands anymore. I couldn’t go around saying shit like that.

“Nora, I’m sorry but I have to put my foot down on this.”

Nora grabbed the leather strap crossing over my chest and tugged me forward until our noses were almost touching. “Do this one thing for me and I’ll help you build your sanctuary.”

“With what money?” I snapped.

Boopzy chittered and reached out a tentacle to wrap around Nora’s throat. With impressive speed, the little creature swung from me to her and nuzzled her face.

Nora stiffened. Her mouth dropped open just a little as her eyes grew wide. “Get… get it off of me,” she said in barely more than a whisper.

I smiled, a little touch of evil bubbling up inside of me. “If you promise to take care of and snuggle with Boopzy for a full month I’ll buy you the axe.”

I watched her throat bob as she swallowed hard. “One week.”

“One full month or you get nothing.”

Nora closed her eyes, her entire body quaking as she hissed, “Fine.”

I marched up to Red and folded my arms over my chest. “Will you take twenty-five thousand for the axe?”

“Sorry, sweet cheeks. I know what this thing is worth. Thirty-one thousand and not a penny less,” he said.

“Have it your way. Catch you next time. We’re heading back to the Master Smith in Stanthorpe anyway,” I said with a shrug before returning to my stump by the fire.

Red’s smug grin dropped away as I poked at the glowing coals with a stick. “I’m sorry, I wish I could do more for you. It’s just that supply of grand weapons like this is very low and demand is high, as you can imagine.”

“I understand completely,” I said. “Will you join us for the night or will you be on your way?”

“I have other axes that might suit your budget better. There is no need to only focus on one.”

“Don’t worry about us, we’ll be fine until we get back to Stanthorpe. You should see what Nora can do with her bare hands. Would you like some Elemental Jill stew? It’s still warm.”

“No thank you,” Red said, letting his arms drop in defeat. It was clear to me that the Arachnes knew exactly what I was doing but I’m sure he also knew just how serious I was about not dropping all of my gold on a singular object. “Look, because you are my friend, I’ll do you a deal I wouldn’t do for anyone else. Twenty-eight thousand and it’s yours.”

I tapped my finger against my chin as I looked into the growing flames in front of me. It wasn't as good of a deal as I had been hoping for but it was still three thousand in my pocket instead of the spider monsters. Nora was standing further away in the shadows, practically holding her breath as she watched us like a hawk. Her body was rigid but still vibrating as Boopzy snuggled ever closer.

I was going to hate myself after this but hopefully watching Nora suffer would give me small infrequent bursts of joy.

“Alright, you’ve talked me into it. Twenty-eight thousand it is.”