“Come any closer, and I'll slice your balls off and shove them down your throat, you blaggard!”
I rolled my eyes and shoved my arm deeper into the hole that was the gnome's home. “I’m not doing this with you again, Nigel. Get out here, now!”
My hand smacked into something hard, making me grimace. From the other side of the wall, I heard something rock and then shatter like a dropped plate exploding on tiles.
Nigel screeched, “that was an antique, you shit-guzzling ape!”
I swore and withdrew my hand, muttering every curse word I could think of as I plucked the tiny sword from my skin and pressed a thumb against the wound to still the bleeding. Rage was bubbling through me like never before.
“Sob, go get him. Just don’t kill him.”
“You’ll never take me alive!” Nigel bellowed.
Frank decided he’d had enough of our tomfoolery and leaped off my shoulder, flapping over to the long window and perched, staring out into the storm that still raged outside. I frowned. Something felt off about the bird’s behavior. I couldn’t quite pinpoint the time it had changed. Maybe it was when the blasted bats almost killed him. Maybe it was when we were tossed from the kayak and crawled ashore onto the beaches of Rottnest. Whatever it was, it seemed to be weighing him down. I didn’t think he was depressed. His feathers were perfectly placed and glossy from preening. Maybe it was just the blanket of menacing pressure that coated the island that brought that faraway stare to his beady black eyes.
Sob’s hooves clacked on the floor as he charged into the gnome's home. He didn’t even need to duck his head to pass through the doorway; it was another benefit of being the size of a mouse. I wondered what Mrs. Percott would think if she saw him now. She’d either cackle like a witch or slap me upside the head. Maybe both. I didn’t have to ponder Gordon’s reaction. If he saw half the crap I’d forced his prized stallion to do since the Toilet Crocs came, he’d shove his boot so far up my ass I would taste the shit on the treads of it before he buried me six feet under.
Sob was no prized racing horse now, though. He was a mighty battlemage that could take a Croc down without missing a step.
Frank was different. He always had been. A bird unmutilated by Melumek’s disastrous intrusion on our sun-drenched land. The friend of witches, players, and even magical spirits that danced over overflowing waters.
I used my Identify skill on him, an action I don’t remember ever having done before.
Frank – Level ??? Class Unknown
Well, that wasn’t very useful. Frank didn’t even seem to have a last name. Even Sob and Stella had adopted a last name when I’d used the skill on them. The raven was more akin to Kendrick’s fox Sasye. An animal that I wasn’t even sure was actually a fox. Maybe he was the witch's familiar. No, that couldn’t be true, either. The witch wouldn’t have been so surprised to see him if that was the case.
I might have been procrastinating again. Or maybe I just hadn’t wanted to focus on the horrible noises and flashes of blue light coming from Nigel’s front door. Even I was beginning to feel a little bad about unleashing the battlemage on the gnome. It didn’t matter that Nigel had magic of his own. No one with half a brain would take on Sob willingly.
“Fine. Enough,” Nigel shrieked as he tumbled out of the doorway, batting at the small fires burning holes in what looked like a dirty grey dressing gown. “I’m out. Are you happy?” The gnome turned his face up to me a glowered, folding his short arms over his barrel chest. “And what are you, a spirit? A zombie? Why do you look like that idiot man who abandoned me?”
“I didn’t abandon you, you moron. I tried to save your ass, and it got me banished to the Shadow Realm.”
The gnome made a rude noise akin to the air squeaking out of a balloon. “Pfft, I didn’t need saving from a little house spider. What do you think I am, a woman?”
Don’t kill him. You need him. “If Nora heard you say that, she’d squish you under her boot like the cockroach you are.”
Nigel looked around. “Well, she ain’t here, is she? That means I can say whatever the fuck I want. Now why are you here trying to burn down my house? I don’t have to help you anymore. You failed my quest, remember?”
“You don’t have to, but I thought maybe you would anyway,” I said.
Nigel flicked up his middle finger and gave it a good twirl. “You thought wrong. Time to leave before the spirits that haunt this place eat you for breakfast. Take your blasted zappy horse with you too.”
“Shut the hell up!”
Nigel hissed past his teeth as his head whipped around, almost dislodging the enormous pointed hat resting atop his head. “Stay out of this, you feathered rat.”
“Wait,” I said, my mind flashing back to the way the ghost had addressed the bird. “You can talk to him too?”
Nigel lifted a fuzzy black brow my way. “No shit, the damn bird literally speaks.”
“No, what I mean is, you hear what he’s actually trying to say?”
“The fuck kind of mushrooms are you eating, man? He told me to shut up. What more is there to hear but that?”
“Oh. I thought… never mind what I thought. There are more important things to worry about now,” I said. Blue sparks burned the leather on my backside as Sob’s patience grew thin. “I need you to restore Sob to his true self. And I need to know what the hell is going on on this damn island. And I need you to tell me what happened to my friends. Nora, Stella, Jacob, and Miranda are all missing. Oh, and why we’re at it, you can tell me who Tony the cable snake man is.”
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The gnome cackled and beat at his tiny knees with a closed fist. “Is that all you need from me, you giant brainless twerp? And here I was thinking you decided to move in next door and just wanted to borrow a cup of sugar. How about I tell you this, and we call it even? You and all your little friends can fuck off. See? Don’t we all feel better? Now I’m going back to bed. Keep your grubby man hands out of my hole in the wall, or I’ll do to you what I did to the horse, got it?”
The gnome turned and stomped back toward the door in the skirting that circled the base of the wall. Sob screamed and stamped forward, blocking his path as brilliant blue sparks flickered over his entire body. The fire of his mane, tail, and feathers blazed, giving off heat even I could feel from a good meter away.
I reached up and drew my sword, running a thumb over the length of it. The sharp steel flashed in the light of the torches that lit the lighthouse. Outside, the wind howled angrily over the pounding of the driving rain.
“Maybe I should have worded it a bit better,” I said, feeding as much venom into my voice as I could. I flicked the blade, pressing it hard enough against the gnome's throat to draw a single drop of blood. “I wasn’t really asking. I’m done playing mister nice guy. You will tell me what happened to my friends. You will restore Sob to his true self. You will tell me everything you know about Tony the cable snake man. And, let’s not forget, you will tell me why the spirits of Haunted Hollow decided to give me some batshit unnecessary quest. Got it?”
The sash of Nigel’s robe loosened, revealing the green shorts and bright red shirt he wore underneath. I guess I should be grateful he wasn’t butt ass naked. The gnome glared up at me, his entire body shaking with the burning rage I could see in his eyes. I glowered right back, pressing just a tiny bit harder on my blade.
“Alright,” Nigel snapped, stepping away from my sword. “I don’t know what the hell happened to you, but it looks like you’ve grown some balls. Can’t say I like it over much. Give me the whiny bitch from before any day of the week.”
“Piss off,” I snapped, sheathing my sword again.
Nigel rubbed a hand over his bearded chin. “Care for a snifter of brandy? I know I sure as hell need one or maybe ten.”
Before I could answer, the gnome jabbed a finger at me. A glob of red slime shot from the end of his elongated fingernail, striking me square in the gut before it grew, encasing my entire body in an uncomfortable warmth. The smell of rotting eggs burned the hairs of my nose, making me gag even when I covered it with a hand.
The muscles in my arms and legs tensed painfully tight. I shut my eyes against the world as it spun in wild circles in front of me, only upsetting my stomach further. Finally, it all went away, and I let out the most impressive belch I had ever managed in all my years. It was enough to rattle the rafters high overhead, sending a cloud of dust raining down on us.
When I looked at Nigel again, it was from an equal footing. The bastard had done just what he’d said and shrunk me like he had Sob.
“What the hell?” I bellowed, groping blindly for the hilt of my sword again.
“Oh, stop your bitching. How else do you think you’re gonna fit into my hole? Now come on, we’ve got a lot to talk about, apparently.”
I shared a look of pure rage and understanding with Sob before begrudgingly following the gnome through the no longer tiny door. Sob snorted and clopped in after me, leaving Frank alone, still sitting on the windowsill of the lighthouse service room.
Inside was a ramshackle mess of upturned sofas, burned rugs, and broken tables and crockery. I would have felt a little bad about destroying the gnome's house if I wasn’t focusing so hard on not killing the pointy-hatted bastard.
Nigel navigated the mess with ease, heading for a singular cabinet that hadn’t been wrecked. He opened the cupboard and took out two crystal glasses, and filled them to the brim with a sweet golden brown elixir.
While the gnome worked, I grabbed two of the overstuffed armchairs and turned them the right way up, pushing them nearer to the fire burning in a cozy stone hearth. The flickering tongues of the fire were burning an odd green hue. It was letting off a sweet fragrance and a gentle warmth that was oddly soothing. I could still hear the thundering of the storm outside, but it was dull now, more of a distant white noise than anything else. I wondered for a brief moment how the hell this fine living space had been carved out of a wall that didn’t look near thick enough to house it before discarding the thought with a simple and all-encompassing answer; it was magic.
Nigel marched over, some of the brandy sloshing from the snifter as he shoved it into my hand. I slurped at the spilled liquid, smacking my lips in appreciation at the fine fruity taste that burned the back of my throat nicely. I was more of a whiskey kind of guy, but no man worth his salt would turn his nose up at an aged brandy. Especially if they were living the messed up life I seemed to be these days.
“First things first,” Nigel said and plonked his ass down in one of the chairs. “Tell me where the hell you went and how the hell you’re alive. Then we’ll get to your stuff.”
I told the story in quick monotone bursts like I’d practiced with the Outsiders, leaving out far more than I was actually revealing. Nigel listened intently the entire time, only moving from his place in the chair once to refill his glass during my tale. By the time I was done, I was feeling a little drowsy. Whether it was the warmth of the gnome’s hole or that of the brandy, I didn’t know, but it was a nice feeling.
“You sure manage to get yourself into some messed up adventures, ey?” the gnome murmured when he was sure I was done. “Now, tell me about the quest the spirits gave you.”
I did that, too, using the same detached voice to quickly describe what had happened and the task I’d been given. Nigel frowned into his half-empty glass, swirling the amber liquid around.
“Strange,” he murmured so quietly I barely heard it. “They are growing impatient.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
Nigel blinked and stared at me like he had, for a brief moment, forgotten I was there at all. “Never mind. Should I tell you about your friends now?”
I clamped my teeth together to keep from spewing out the harsh words of my impatience. The calm was nice, and I didn’t want to ruin it, no matter how eager I was to know. “Yes.”
Nigel downed the rest of his drink, placed the empty cup on the floor, and leaned back in his chair. His hat tilted forward, almost covering the gnome’s eyes.
“I told them to leave me on the beach and get the hell out of here, but they wouldn’t listen. Your friend, the titan warrior one with the shield, wanted to see me right to my doorstep. I think he was trying to make sure he squeezed every little drop of information I had rather than actually being gallant. No one pulls the wool over my eyes.
I even told him in confidence where Tony the cable snake man was, hoping he’d take the others away but no…”
“Wait,” I interrupted, sitting bolt upright and grabbing the arm of my chair with enough force to tear the already weakened stitching. “You told him?”
Nigel lifted the edge of his hat high enough to eye me with a beady little eye. “Well, yeah. I wasn’t going to, but I sure as hell didn’t want them to come any further onto the island. Besides, they saved my life a time or two.”
I stood and slammed my fist into the stone wall. Something cracked loudly, but the anger kept the pain at bay. “That lying, traitorous piece of shit. I’ll kill him!”