Phlegm looked at me like I’d just grown a pair of horns and flickered a forked tongue at him. His green cheeks paled as he edged away from me, still wiping a mug with a damp cloth.

“Come on Phlegm, I need to know. It’s been weeks. Can’t you give me a least a little hint?”

Phlegm cleared his throat and looked awkwardly away. “I am not allowed to tell you.”

I resisted the urge to slam my fist down on the wooden bench between us. “I just want to know where you’re from, is that so bad? You have to know more about this alien invasion than we do. Come on, please?”

Phlegm snorted. “Alien? Please. What do you think this is? Some B-grade movie?”

I stepped back and waved my hands around like the crazy person I was becoming. “Yes! What else could this possibly be?”

“I’m not allowed to tell you.”

“What does that even mean?” I shouted, yanking at the remaining strands of my too-long hair. If this kept up I’d have none left. “Why are you here? Why is this place safe from crocs? Where are the crocs from? Where did all the people who went through the transfer zone go? What do the crocs want with this place? Who or what is the disembodied voice? Who is Nigel the Sentinel and where can I find him? What is the end game here? Please, this is ridiculous.”

Phlegm carefully reached out and took the coffee he’d made for me. “I don’t think you need any more of this.”

Nora reached out and squeezed my arm. “Come on Joe, I told you, you won’t get any answers here.”

I shrugged her off. “He knows what’s going on Nora.”

Phlegm stiffened and hissed, bearing his pointed teeth. “Don’t you think I would tell you if I could? It’s not like I asked to be a part of this.”

“I don’t even know what this is. What, the crocs got mad that so many of them were being flushed down the dunny so they rose up to kill us all, bah!”

“I can tell you one thing if sit down and eat something,” Phlegm snapped.

I obliged, dropping down into a seat and throwing gold at the creature. Phlegm gathered it and stuffed it in the pocket of his apron. Then he pulled out a yellow piece of paper that had been folded and sealed.

“The courier bats brought this for you during the night.”

I snatched the note and unfolded it as he slapped a plate filled with eggs and sausage down in front of me.

Cowpoke!

I’ve discovered some vital information about the Crocs! You need to get your ass over to the old church in Stanthorpe, I’ll meet you there. Come alone!

The Professor

p.s. No dogs!

New Quest: Saviors Meeting

Description: The Toilet Master of Deepwater has abandoned his throne to meet you in Stanthorpe. He has vital information and needs you right away. Hurry on over to the church. You probably won’t burst into flames the moment you cross the threshold. Well, maybe. It’s fifty-fifty. Go on, flip the coin, and move your ass.

I slapped the note down on the bench and begrudgingly dug into the food. I wanted to still be angry with Phlegm but damn, his cooking certainly dampened the fiery rage burning inside me.

Nora gave me a look, her eyes flicking over and over to the note on the bench. “Just read it,” I managed around a mouthful of egg.

She snatched the note and read it speedily. “The Professor? Who’s that?”

I snorted, snatching my stolen coffee back off Phlegm and downing the thing. “The Toilet Master of Deepwater. He’s a janitor.”

She frowned. “You’ve mentioned him before.”

“Yeah, he’s an asshole who’s a little too eager on the trigger.” I frowned, realizing something for the first time. “He must be a gunslinger.”

“Wait, is he a person or an NPC?” she asked.

I shrugged. “Depends on who you ask. I think he is, he thinks he’s not.”

“Well, we better get over there.”

“We? He said to come alone.”

“He also said to not bring Stella, are you really going to leave her behind?”

“Can I come?”

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Nora and I both jumped and spun on our chairs. Jacob stood behind us, his hands tangling his shirt into a knot exposing his surprisingly hairy stomach. His face was pale but his eyes held a somewhat impressive stubbornness.

“I don’t know, lad. The Toilet Master is not someone to mess with. He’s batshit insane.”

Jacob stood up straighter. “I’m not afraid. Besides, we’re party members now. That means we should do things together.”

Party members? I guess that did make sense, but I wasn’t overly familiar with multiplayer games. Did Stella and Sob count as party members or were they just pets?

“Alright. Get some breakfast into you, then we’ll go find this church.”

----------------------------------------

I yanked my sword from the back of the croc, its blood painting a speckled line in a giant arc. The croc toppled. Stella yelped and jumped out of the way of the falling beast. Nora smiled and dug the butt of her axe into the ground.

“That was a nice little workout, wasn’t it?” she said.

“You take far too much pleasure from this stuff,” I grumbled.

Jacob stuck his head out from behind Sob’s rear end where he was hiding. “Is it over?”

“Yes, you sook. Get your ass out here.”

Nora punched my arm. “Be nice.”

I rubbed the growing bruise. “Take your own advice.”

She turned away from me and I could have sworn she muttered ‘baby’ under her breath. I patted Stella and turned back to the towering church behind us. The croc had been little more than an annoyance which was a little surprising. I guess the small ones weren’t quite as intimidating as they’d once been.

“Come on, let’s get this over with.” We walked up to the door but before I pushed through the door I looked back at Sob. “Are you going to come inside this time?”

Little blue sparks danced around the horse's muzzle as he turned away, pushing through an overgrown bush and coming back out with another of his odd-looking fruits. I frowned as I watched another strand of his mane change color.

“Suit yourself.”

We marched inside the place and thankfully, none of us burst into flames. The church was spotlessly clean and smelled of incense. The pews were positioned neatly in their rows, all facing the raised platform on the other side of the room.

The Toilet Master stood there on the raised platform. His back to us as he stared up at the prone figure of Jesus Christ nailed to the crucifix. I walked down the aisle, feeling a little awkward in this holy place of worship.

“I thought I told you to come alone,” the Toilet Master grumbled without turning.

“I didn’t think you’d mind too much,” I said filling my words with sweetness. “I’ve told them all about you and they just couldn’t resist the temptation to meet the mighty Professor.”

The man shifted, puffing out his chest a little more and rolling his shoulders. “Do you need some toilet paper for the shit that just dribbled from your mouth?”

Nora covered her laugh with an ill-timed cough. Jacob shuffled his feet, dropping his head to hide the look of horror on his face.

“I guess you’d be the best man to ask for some ass napkins, hey, Toilet Master.”

The man howled and threw himself around his eyes filled with murderous rage. “What did you just call me!?”

I folded my arms and glared at the bastard. “What did you summon me here for?”

The man muttered and cursed under his breath before marching down the little set of stairs to stand in front of me. I couldn’t help but smirk at the fact that he had to look up at me.

“Here I am trying to help you and all I get in return is disrespect. I guess I shouldn’t expect anything else from a rotten thief like you.”

“Just tell me what you’ve found out and I’ll leave you be.”

The Toilet Master pulled a little book from his pocket and shoved it against my chest. “Here, this will tell you all you need to know. Assuming you can even read at all.”

I frowned and turned the book over, reading the title out loud, “the Gospel of Melumek.”

Nora looked over my shoulder at the little green book. “What is a Melumek?”

The Toilet Master stood up straighter, brushing a hand through his wild mane of white hair as he eyed Nora. “Not a ‘what’, but a ‘who’.”

Nora frowned. “Who?”

“Yes, that’s right. Melumek is the embodiment of all evil and, strangely, rebirth. He is an all-powerful being that existed even before the universe and all the gods.”

I shifted my feet uncomfortably and eyed the savior above us. This felt like a very disrespectful conversation to be having in the middle of a church.

“And what does this ‘all-powerful being’ have to do with the toilet crocs?” I asked.

The man turned his bloodshot eyes on me. “He brought them here, for something called the ‘Great Cull’.”

“Are you sure you haven’t been hitting the whiskey just a little too hard, mate?”

The Toilet Master grabbed my shirt and yanked me in so close I could smell the foul stench of his breath. “This isn’t a game boy. We have to find a way to stop this monster before he devours the world. Remember the dinosaurs? Well, guess who had a hand in the asteroid that took them all out.”

Nora gently took the book from my hand and started flicking through it. I pushed the man away from me and snarled, “this is a game. That’s what all of this is. A sick, twisted, murderous game.”

The man spread his hands like he was performing, wiggling his fingers. “The ‘Great Cull’ is upon us. If we do not defeat them then the world will end and all of humanity will be forced to start again. I know it's hard for your tiny brain to comprehend but try man. Try!”

“Joe,” Nora said, the panic in her voice stealing the harsh retort from my lips. I turned to face her. “This is real. Look here.”

She turned the book around and pointed a finger at a passage at the bottom of the page. I took the book and read the words.

In times of strife, Melumek is there to wreak havoc on the world. He reaches out with a fiery tendril to burn the world and all those who reside in it. In so doing the world can be reborn and his strength deepens.

He looks down on us always and with nothing more than a thought he plunges the world into war, famine, pestilence, or dystopia.

The only hope of surviving his unfathomable rage is to find Nigel the Sentinel, for he is the only one with the power to reject Melumek’s fury and return the world to harmony.

* Polasobek 12:369 The Cormorant of the fellowship of Fayum

Sweat dribbled down my face. “Nigel the Sentinel. Just like the voice said.”

Nora wrapped her arms around herself and turned away. Jacob moved to hug her. I turned back to the Toilet Master but he was gone, vanished as though he’d never been there at all.

Quest Complete: Saviors Meeting