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Outback Joe vs the Toilet Croc Invasion
Chapter 188 – Return to the Swamp

Chapter 188 – Return to the Swamp

There’s a reason I never chose to live in the tropics in far north Australia. I cannot stand the feeling of being hot and wet at the same time. The humidity seemed to coat you, inside and out. Every breath I took drew the damp air into my lungs. They didn’t appreciate the liquid content contaminating the air they so desperately needed. It wasn’t just that though. The dampness settled on my skin mixing with the sweat already beading there until I felt as if I’d just climbed out of a shower but instead of dripping dry the wetness just stayed there. As if all of that wasn’t bad enough there was also the smell. It crawled into your nose, as pervasive and sickly as a mold festering in the corners of a poorly ventilated bathroom. It was earthy sure but also fouled by the stench that came with rotting plant life and stagnant pools of water. Those same pools brought with them millions upon millions of bugs in every shape and size, all of them eager to suck my veins dry if my lumpy bitten skin was any indication.

Yep, we were back in the swamp that the Witch of Evermore called home and I could not think of a single place that would be worse than this. Give me the dry kind of heat that swallowed the entirety of central Australia for most if not all of the year. Now that was something I could handle.

I swore and swatted at the next blood-sucking creature to land on my neck, bashing aside a human-sized green leaf with the same fury I used to squash the bug.

“My, my, aren’t we grouchy today,” Gabby said in a sing-song voice that only mildly sounded like her own.

Nora snorted as she pushed past another of those big plants that had leaves like flappy umbrellas, sending one of the fronds slapping against the side of my face. “He’s grouchy every day.”

“Gabby,” Theo whispered, trudging along half-naked at the end of our lineup.

I sighed and flicked the dampness off my face before slapping at another bug. “I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like it here.”

“Shut the hell up!”

Screee!

How is it that a horse as tall and powerful as Sob could be the quietest member of my group? The horse took small steps, gingerly placing his hooves away from the deeper patches of mud with his ears swiveling wildly to catch every sound. Since the beast had gained his flaming feathers he’d been a lot more cautious with his hooves, as if the flame would not come back if it were to be snuffed out. The thought made me want to scoop up a handful of the filthy water and toss it at him. It would serve him right after all the magical jolts he’d sent coursing through my body.

“How much further,” I snapped, not much caring who answered me.

“Keep your boots on cowboy,” Nora said. “It’s not too far now.”

“Why are we going to this place again?” Gabby asked. “Who exactly is this ‘Witch of Evermore’? Joe never really explained it very well.”

“I still find it strange that you didn’t get this questline,” I said as my brows shot up closer to my sporadic hairline. “I know it's not one of the main ones but Nora and I have it so I figured it was kinda important.”

“Lay off, would you? I bet you didn’t get the quest to catch the Colossal Cod,” Gabby snapped, ducking under a scraggly branch.

“No, but I’m kinda jealous that I didn’t. Fishing sounds nice.”

Gabby shuddered, pulling her feathered wings tight against her back. “Yeah, if you’d been there, you wouldn’t think it was nice. I didn’t have my Daughter of Umbra skills back then.”

“Still, reeling in a big one sounds pretty cool.”

“You should head back to the Condamine River then. Look for an old guy in one of those stupid floppy hats grumbling about his rod snapping,” she said.

“Sounds like my kind of man.”

“Yeah, all you grouchy old guys seem to like each other.”

“Hey, I’m not that old,” I growled.

Her snort was not appreciated. We broke through the final line of dense shrubbery and stumbled as a group out into the small clearing that held Cassie’s tiny one-roomed cabin. Just as before a large circular firepit sat in the middle of the clearing with a heavy-bottomed blackened cauldron sitting atop it filled with a bubbling lime green concoction. Whatever this one was it smelled sweet, almost like candy.

Sob whinnied so loudly I just about jumped out of my skin and shouldered past the lot of us, stuffing his face into the cauldron and despite the fact it was boiling took a long drink of the liquid within. His flaming mane and feathers surged with each gulp, his magic bolstered even more than when he ate those weird little fruits he liked to find in strange places.

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“Hey, get away from there you greedy rascal,’ Cassie cried, charging out of her cabin with little more than a transparent untied robe covering her curvaceous body. She shook an angry finger at the stallion who backed up with his head held low like a scolded dog. “That was about five hundred gold worth of potion you just scoffed down. Don’t think I won’t take payment from your hide because I will if you don’t pay up.”

Nora ran forward, her arms thrown wide as she flung herself at the witch. “Cassie, I’ve missed you.”

Cassie laughed and folded her arms tightly around the warrior, almost lifting the woman off the ground with the force of her returned hug. “And I’ve missed you. Would you like some tea? I have a fresh batch of butterfly pea flower tea brewing inside.”

“Oh, that sounds fantastic,” Nora said as she let go, rushing toward the cabin as if it was her own. “Come on Gabby.”

Gabby with her cheeks flaming red wandered forward, her eyes focused on the toes of her boots. “Coming. Ahh, nice to meet you, Miss Cassie, or would the Witch of Evermore be more appropriate?”

Little forked wrinkles appeared beside Cassie’s eyes as she looked at the young woman, her gaze pausing for a moment on Gabby’s wings. “You can call me whatever you like but most call me Cassie. Just Cassie, no title necessary. Make yourself, and your father too, at home.”

Gabby’s head lifted as she stared at the witch for a moment, her mouth working as if she was trying to speak. Finally and without a word she spun and snatched Theo’s arm, dragging the smiling man along behind her as she followed Nora.

Then it was my turn to have those all-seeing eyes fall on me. My whole body stiffened as I watched the woman sashay toward me. At least, that’s what I think she was doing. The was a lot of hip swaying and her arms were all floaty and the robe thing was billowing out behind her. I cleared my throat, trying almost successfully to keep my eyes squarely on her face and absolutely nowhere else.

“Joe, I’m very glad you finally decided to listen to me. Welcome back to my humble home.”

“I don’t think I could have denied your summons even if I wanted to,” I said.

“Shut the hell up!” Frank slapped my face with his wing as he leaped from my shoulder and shot toward the woman, landing lightly on hers and nuzzling her face.

Cassie beamed and with a finger stroked the glossy feathers of his chest. “Hello, handsome. It has been too long. You promised me you’d pop back every few days to keep me company. Should I be disappointed or proud that you did not follow through?”

Frank whistled and chittered, hopping from foot to foot as if he were telling an epic tale. Cassie nodded along with every sound as though it all made perfect sense to her. Maybe it did. To me, it just looked like I was watching a crazy bird lady toss away the last of the marbles she had in her head. Patting Stella’s side so she would stay with me I took one quiet step toward the cabin, and then another. A few more and I could avoid an awkward conversation altogether.

A long-fingered and awfully cold hand wrapped around my arm and yanked me back. “Do you really think you can get away from me so easily?”

I closed my eyes for half a second as I sucked in a breath and let it out again in a rush. “No, I just wanted to get my hands on some of that tea before Nora drinks it all.”

Cassie laughed. “Do you think even for a second that I would believe that?”

“Can we just pretend that you do, please?”

“Alright, I know how squeamish you get. I’ll let you have this one. Come along, we’ll go join all the others before I change my mind.”

“Thank you,” I breathed, trotting along behind her.

Cassie reached out, placing her palm flat against the wood of the cabin door before she paused and spun back around, eyeing the horse still standing near the bubbling cauldron.

She pointed an accusatory finger at him and said, “Drink any more of that and you’ll regret it.” Her eyes flicked my way and she added, “So will you.”

“What, why me?” I asked.

“He is your horse. Any of my goods that he destroys or gobbles up go on your tab. I expect payment before you leave my swamp.”

“Technically he is Gordon’s horse,” I said.

“Yes, well the moment I discover how to collect gold from a ghost I’ll officially let you off the hook. Are you happy?”

“No, not really.”

“Aren’t you grumpy today?”

I pulled a face at the back of her golden curls and not just because I was afraid of what she would do if she saw the look directed her way. “You’re the second person to say that to me.”

“Well, in that case, maybe you should listen,” she said, finally pushing open the door.

Stella barked and rushed forward, her tail wagging so fast it was little more than a blur as she disappeared into the softly lit singular room of the cabin. I followed behind, eyeing the jungle of plants hanging from the ceiling and clustered in pots around the room. With my decent Identify skill and a little experience under my belt in the art of Alchemy, I could see that each and every one of them was a rare and high-quality ingredient plant. My fingers itched to steal a sprig or two from all of them but I was fairly sure there was no way to do that in a way Cassie would not notice. Even if I used the Amulet of Deepening Shadow or turned myself into a mouse she was still bound to catch me.

Cassie moved around the cabin until she had everyone comfortably seated on a chair or a plush cushion on the floor with a teacup in one hand and a sweet bun in the other. As quirky as she was she was one hell of a good hostess.

After checking that all were comfortable she moved toward the wide hearth, tossing a few extra sticks into the flames. Then she turned back to us, folding her arms under her heavy bosom and lifting them up on display. Theo choked on his sweet bun and Gabby’s face reddened even more. Only Nora and I seemed unfazed by the woman’s brazen show.

“Now that everyone is here, it’s time to talk about what exactly the Divine Lament Draught can do.”

Quest updated: The Witch of Evermore

The words flicked up in front of my face, dancing around in their golden glory that I, as I almost always did, ignored.