I huddled by the side of the door, sucking air into my lungs like it was going out of style.

“I’m here about the crocs!” I shouted through the door.

There was silence for a moment and then the murderous man shouted back, “what do you know about them?”

“Nothing, that’s why I’m here.”

I heard the man snort through the door. “What good are you if you don’t know a damn thing?”

“Look, I found a note at Joridoon Flats Station. It told me to come here and see you. I need your help. Please.” I prayed that he’d hear me out and not blast my ass full of buckshot.

“Come in.”

A series of thuds and clicks and the rattling of chains followed the man’s command. I took a calming breath and then pushed to my feet. I tried the handle and it turned easily. Cautiously I stepped inside the falling-down house.

The man was standing just inside, his sawn-off shotgun pointed right at my chest. I froze staring at the blasty end. The man looked like a mad scientist with unruly white hair and a scraggly white beard that reached his chest. His eyes were the palest blue and bloodshot to high heaven.

“The dog stays outside,” the man snarled.

I turned carefully and held a flat hand, palm up to Stella. “Stay, girl.”

Stella growled but didn’t try to come inside.

The man lowered the gun half an inch. “What’s your name?”

“Joe. Yours?”

“You can call me Professor,” the man grumbled. “Now hurry up. Shut the door and lock it.”

Eyeing the gun I kicked the door shut behind me and slowly turned to lock the thing. My eyes almost bulged right out of my head. The entire side of the door was just one type of lock after another. It took me much too long to work my way down to the final deadbolt near my foot. Then I turned back to the Professor.

“Now can we talk about the croc monsters?”

The Professor huffed and slammed his gun down on a table. I flinched, just waiting for the thing to go off. The Professor didn’t seem to notice as he marched over to an enormous blackboard that stretched the length of the living room wall. The entire surface of the thing was covered in a hard-to-read scrawl. It also looked like he’d hammered nails into the thing so he could stretch some string between different areas to form a messy web that made zero sense.

“What class have they given you?” the Professor asked.

I wasn’t sure I should answer but what else could I do? “Thief.”

The man chuckled. “A scallywag are ya? Well, that’ll probably do you good now. No point being a warrior or a mage when you can sneak around in the shadows. Anyway, your class doesn’t matter too much. It’s what you do with it that matters now.”

He slapped his hand against the board and turned to look at me with his crazy eyes. “They’ve been here before you know. This whole thing has happened before. How do you think we came up with the idea to make video games? That’s right, it’s because of them.

I don’t know what brings them here. But I do know one thing, they can be beaten! You, or maybe someone who’s a better player than you, can send them right back to the sewage they came from.”

“The voice said…”

I didn’t get my sentence out before the man interrupted me. “Don’t listen to the voice! She’s a fucking liar! Who are you going to believe, a disembodied voice, or the man standing right in front of you?"

I didn’t think it would be wise to tell him the truth about that one. “Look, I don’t really care. I just want to survive this bullshit and get my life back.”

This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

“Look, unless you’re some master martial artist or have a truckload of guns you’re not gonna make it out of this thing alive. There are too many of them. They’re everywhere. In the woods, in the cities, and even sitting on top of our mountains. I bet you haven’t even killed one yet. You probably ran and hid like a cowardly cockroach.”

He slapped his hand against a different part of the board. “The Black Plague.” He shifted his hand following one of his strings. “The Crusades. Even the fall of the Roman Empire. All these things happened because of the Intruders. Not just old events too, there are more recent ones.”

“The Intruders? The crocs can’t have been here that often. Everyone would have known,” I said.

The man laughed manically. “You think the people in power didn’t cover it up? Please. If you don’t have enough brains to know that then you really are a lost cause. There are hidden secret societies that have existed throughout history that have been facilitating the Intruders and all their horrible plans.

See that counter in your inventory did ya? Well, guess what, that’s how many living people are left in this country, or zone as they call it. Their only aim is to kill as many of us as they can before they’re put to sleep again.

Now we just need to find a hero to put them back where they came from.”

“I’m no hero,” I said.

“No shit cowpoke. You’re one of the specs of dirt in the way. But you listen to me. Just because you’re definitely going to die, doesn’t mean you can't help move the story along. There is so much to do before we can put the crocs down. So I’m gonna give you a list of tasks. The more you get down before you’re ripped apart the better. That way the real hero doesn’t have to grind so much.”

I just stood there in silence staring at the bastard. Yeah, look, I know I’m no movie-style action hero who’s gonna save the day, but what’s that got to do with surviving? I don’t really care so much about saving the world. I just don’t want to fucking die. Is that such a bad thing? My fingers curled into fists at my side as I ground my teeth. This guy was going to get knocked the fuck out if he didn’t learn to shut his damn mouth.

“Now, there is one problem.” The Professor moved his hand all the way over to the right where there was a big question mark drawn on the board. “I had a list of the most important things we need to get sorted. But, ah, I umm, I misplaced it.”

“You misplaced the most important thing about figuring this shit out? Are you fucking serious?” I asked.

“Well,” he said for the first time sounding a little sheepish. “It’s not like it's lost. I know where it is. I just, ahh, can’t go get it.”

I sighed heavily. “Where is it?”

The man rubbed his hand over the back of his neck as he turned to face me. “It’s in the lost and found at the… pub.”

My jaw dropped open. “The pub. The list we need to not die is at the pub.”

“Yeah, well. It’s not like it’s my fault. I was working on it over a beer and then some guy started some shit and well, I showed him what’s what and Jerry kicked me out. Lifetime ban.”

“We’re in the middle of a fucking apocalyptic disaster. It’s not like the ban is still in effect. Just go get it.”

“It’s not about the ban you dick,” the Professor snapped. “There’s a giant croc guarding that place. It crushed Jerry into a ball of blood, guts, and bone and swallowed the ball whole. Ain’t no way I’m going anywhere near that thing.”

I waved my hand at the door. “Your fucking path is lined with croc heads on sticks. Are you seriously telling me that this one croc is a no go for you? That’s bullshit man. You’re clearly a better croc killer than me. Go get it.”

The man ran up to his table and picked up his gun, aiming it right at my chest again. This time I didn’t want to pee myself though, I was too bloody angry for that shit.

“I’m not going anywhere near that place, do you hear me? If you want it, then you go and get it. You’re the thief. Sneak in and get it.”

“I’m not actually a thief! I don’t even have a fucking shirt let alone a weapon. What the fuck do you want me to do against a croc you don’t even want anything to do with?”

The man huffed and turned away from me, marching to an old cabinet and riffling through it one-handed. He stood, something wrapped in a cloth in his hand. He tossed it to me and I just barely caught the oddly shaped thing.

“There, now you have a weapon. Stop your bitching and go get my list of tasks. You won’t get anywhere without it. This is a game remember? How do you think you’ll go about ‘surviving’ unless you level the fuck up.”

“And this list, that’s being guarded by a monstrous croc, will help me level up? Why not just wander around and find random quest-givers like the one I found a couple of days ago.”

The man snorted. “It would take for-fucking-ever to get anywhere only focusing on side quests. Especially out here in bumfuck nowhere. All the good side quests are in the bigger places. The cities are the best for it. But you know what else is abundant in those places?”

“Yeah,” I grumbled. “Crocs. You already said that.”

“Yeah. Crocs. Blood-thirsty, gigantic, angry crocs that want nothing more than to crack your skull open and slurp on your brains. Of course with you, the poor monster would probably die of starvation.”

“Fuck off wanker, you don’t know anything about me.”

The bastard Professor laughed. “I know you probably won’t even come back from this one simple quest. Go on, prove me wrong tough guy.”

New Quest: The Drunken Swindle

Description: There is a helpful list stashed in a safe place just waiting for someone to get it. Don’t mind the croc. I’m sure it’s the nice kind of toilet croc that won’t immediately decide to tear you a new one. Yep. Just waltz on it there. See what happens. I dare you.