I had stomped a good way down the street before I stopped and unwrapped the thing he’d given me and then I just wanted to scream at him some more. He’d given me an old slingshot. Wonderful. I waited for the words and like they always did they flashed up in front of me.
New Item Received: Ye Olde Slingshot
Description: Looky here all you young bucks looking for a good time. Use this thingy to do some good old-fashioned vandalism. Go on, you know you want to. There’s a window over there. Try it out. Do it!
Attack power: 178
I tucked it behind my belt, a little less annoyed now. This thing kicked ass over my old whip. And I did kinda want to shoot a rock at that window but like I said before, I was getting quite good at self-control.
Just before I entered a street full of houses I turned and kneeled before Stella who had been following since I’d left the mad professor’s house. “I’m sorry girl,” I said. “You should stay here with Sob if it’s really as bad as that dickhead said it would be.”
She tilted her head and sat down, her tongue dropping from the side of her mouth. There was no way she understood what I said. I stood and looked around, wondering what I could do to keep her safe. A faded sign above a small business tucked between some houses had me grinning like an idiot. It said ‘butcher’. Well, what it really said was ‘but-er’. Close enough.
I marched over there, being very careful in case there was a croc about that hadn’t been impaled for display. I walked in, flinching as a little bell above the door rang out. The stench of rotting meat was pretty overwhelming. There was a big splash of blood on the wall behind the counter and a crumpled and bloated body below it in an apron. I looked away from the poor bastard’s horrible demise and grabbed a bone. With the flesh mostly stripped it wasn’t quite as gross as the rest of the stuff. I hurried outside taking a much-needed breath of fresh air before handing the bone to a very excited Stella.
She ran off, her tail wagging, and settled in a shady spot on the edge of town to gnaw on the thing. Good. Hopefully, that would keep her there.
It didn’t take me too long to find the pub. They were pretty centrally located for a reason. The sun had begun to set as I approached, casting the whole town in shadow. I crouched as I neared the building, determined to truly be sneaky this time. If I was going to be a thief, then it was time I acted like it.
I eyed the front door but ignored it, creeping into a little alleyway that ran alongside the building. There had to be a back door somewhere for the kitchen and, unlike the front door, it was doubtful that a side door would have a damn bell on it. I found the door and tried not to hurl when I saw it propped open by the severed legs of someone. There were flies everywhere. I took a deep breath and gingerly stepped over the legs, squeezing through the small gap into the destroyed kitchen. Clearly, a croc had found its way in here.
It was bad. Like seriously bad. Do you really want me to describe it? Is, there were rotting corpses, puddles of dry congealed blood on the floors, and splashes of the stuff on the broken equipment and even the walls enough for you? Well too bad. That’s all I’m going to say. Use your imagination. This place was fully stocked and clearly well-staffed when the crocs arrived. One of the stoves was even still lit despite the door being torn clean off and the top of the thing being smashed in.
I was careful not to make a noise as I headed for the swinging door on the other side of the kitchen. Stepping over debris and death with a surprising amount of dexterity. I slowly lifted from my crouch, looking through the circular window in the door.
The room on the other side was what you’d expect of a small-town pub. There were tables and booths and stools pulled up to the long bar. There was half-eaten food on some of the tables and blood everywhere but surprisingly no bodies. At least not in the portion of the room I could see. There was one other thing I could see. One really big something, the croc.
The beast was at least twice the size of the other ones I’d seen. Probably bigger if I was being honest. It was crouched at the bar, a scattering of empty bottles strewn around it. I watched as the thing snagged another bottle of what could only be tequila, opened its mouth, and dumped the entire thing in there. It wobbled after and then stumbled around the bar in a wobbly circle before landing back where it was before. I waited for a long time, watching as it repeated the process two more times. It was clear that for some reason, this creature was on a pre-set loop. One that hopefully I could take advantage of.
Perfect. I gently eased the door open just enough to squeeze through and darted to the side to hide under a table. The croc lifted its head as though it had heard something. Its nostrils flared a little but then it went back to groping for a bottle that wasn’t empty. It found one. This time a bottle of vodka and downed the thing. Then it stood, as wobbly as before, and started its weird circle. I followed it at what I hoped was a safe distance, keeping low and ducking under anything big enough to hide me.
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The croc paused a few more times than I had seen it do before, doing little spins in place. It must know something was different, but it was too drunk to figure out what. I should be grateful. If it was in its right mind, I’d be dead by now for sure.
I tried desperately to keep my breathing quiet, even as my pulse raced and my body shook. One wrong move or one unintentional noise and I was dead. I placed a hand on my stomach, grateful for the jerky I’d been munching on. At least this time, my stomach shouldn’t give me away. There was an uncomfortable pressure in my lower abdomen though. I hoped that didn’t mean what I thought it did.
Too late. Luckily, it was silent. But let me tell you, jerky makes for a seriously fragrant butt trumpet.
Finally, I made it to the edge of the bar. I stopped there, trying to ignore the ache in my thighs from crouching so much. I carefully looked around the corner and spied the croc standing perfectly still, its back to me at the midpoint of the bar. It wasn’t moving. Why wasn’t it moving?
A little golden glow on one of the lower shelves was what I was actually interested in. That was the lost and found box and that’s where my list of tasks would be.
Move you giant monster. Move!
The croc lifted its head and snorted. My hands shook. Yet again, my stomach had let me down only this time it was a smell and not a sound. I told you I wasn’t very good at sneaking. The croc slowly turned back toward me. I bit my cheeks to keep from yelping and pulled my head back, hoping it hadn’t seen me. I could hear its thumping footsteps heading my way. What the fuck was I going to do?
My hand fell to my new slingshot. I pulled it from behind my belt and felt around on the ground for something to shoot. A chunk of wood from a broken stool would have to do. I fitted it to the strap and pulled it back, wrapping my body around the other corner of the bar to shoot it at the kitchen door. It made a satisfyingly loud bang.
I peeked around the other corner and smiled as I watched the croc spin, smashing a ton of bottles with its club-like tail. The beast roared and started running toward the kitchen. I didn’t wait to see if it would keep going. I darted from my hiding place and grabbed the lost and found box, sifting through the pile of items until I found a little notebook that had seen better days.
The new item notification flashed up, but I ignored it, hurrying back around the bar and throwing myself behind a large divider beside the front door. I peeked around it to see the croc turning from the kitchen door, its eyes blazing with murderous fury.
My whole body was shaking right now. My stomach was cramping something shocking. Somehow, I had to make it to the door, but the croc was looking my way. If I just stayed quiet and didn’t make any more smells it might sit back down for another drink.
No such luck. I’d broken it somehow. Now the beast was wandering around, turning over tables and sniffing desperately trying to find me. There was only one thing I could do, and I really wish I didn’t have to.
I ran from my hiding place hearing the window-rattling roar behind me and shot out the door. The little bell rang just like I thought it would. The ground shook beneath my feet as the monster charged after me, crashing through the door and tearing off a good chunk of the wall along with it. I screamed, there was no point being quiet anymore after all and took off back toward the Professor’s place.
There was only one problem. I wasn’t nearly fast enough to outstrip a giant croc. The beast barrelled down on me like a freight train. I bent, scooping up a rock and firing it at the croc. The slingshot did some decent damage, but it didn’t slow the croc at all. Fuck.
A double-story building to my right had one of its two doors torn off. I turned, shooting through the gap just as the croc slashed with its claws. They barely grazed my arm, but my health dropped dramatically. I was in the danger zone from one minuscule swipe. My feet fuelled by panic I took off up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The croc tore the second door from its hinges with a large crack and followed me, squeezing itself up the stairs after me.
I kept going, turning in tight circles on the landing of the two-section staircase to climb to the top floor. The croc took a lot longer to maneuver its body around the tight bend. It roared and dug enormous gouges in the wooden floor. I grabbed something and shot the croc again. Now its health was a third depleted.
There was no time to waste trying to kill the thing though. I climbed the ladder to the flattop roof and raced to the edge, using my momentum to carry me over to the next building with a wild, ill-advised jump. I tumbled to the slightly lower roof of the building, my health dropping even more as I tore up my already damaged skin.
No time to kiss my boo-boos. I climbed through the building, burst out the front door, and bolted for the Professor’s place, calling Stella to follow me when I saw her.
I reached the door and turned the handle, but the door wouldn’t budge.
“Let me in!” I bellowed.
There was an ear-splitting bang and the door shattered even more between my spread legs. I yelped and grabbed my crouch, my eyes bulging. He’d almost blown my balls off!
New Achievement: Near miss
Geez, you really don’t want kids, do you?
“Professor, it’s me! Joe!”
“Get the fuck off my lawn or next time, I won’t miss!”
“Are you serious right now!”