Got to say, never expected Nigel the Sentinel to have such a foul mouth on him but that’s something I can get behind. The thing that really shocked me however was the fact that the man, if I could even call him that, was being held in a literal bird's cage dangling over a lit fire.

The fire illuminated the room better than my lantern could. The light it cast showed me Nigel in all his bare-assed glory. I bent over, slapping my knees as my eyes watered. I howled with laughter; the sound bouncing back at me in an endless echoing of hysterics.

Nigel was two fucking feet tall and was sporting a fetching pointed red cap almost as big as he was.

“Yeah laugh it up tough guy!” the gnome screeched. “Just wait till I get my hands on you. I’ll fucking tear out your throat with my teeth!”

This couldn’t be real. It just couldn’t be. I managed to get myself under control and stepped further into the room, eyeing even the darkened corners to make sure we were alone.

“Nigel?” I asked, turning back to the guy.

“Yeah, and who are you?”

“Call me Joe.”

“That’s a stupid name,” the gnome hissed.

“Oh what, like Nigel’s any better.”

Nigel snapped, “come here and say that, punk.”

“What even are you, a fucking garden gnome?”

Nigel screeched and rattled his cage. The thing swung wildly. It was only when one of his legs dropped through a hole in the bottom of the cage that Nigel remembered there was a blazing fire right below him.

“I am a Hortus Gnome, the proudest and most virile of my people. Now, set me free you wretched flesh-bag or I swear you’ll regret it.”

I stepped closer to him and folded my arms across my chest. Aside from his size, there wasn’t anything about him that I would call remarkable. He wasn’t casting magic. He wasn’t some grand or mythical creature of great power and strength. No, he was a gnome. One that would look at home in a cheeky old lady's garden.

“How the hell are you supposed to defend us all against the Toilet Crocs and Melumek?” I asked.

“You’re one of them,” he hissed, sitting in his cage and folding his arms just like I had. “I told the others and I’ll tell you, you’ll not get a single answer from me.”

“But…”

“No, you’re a butt.”

“That’s not what I…”

“Torture me all you want. My lips are sealed on the matter.”

“Would you just shut up?” I bellowed.

The gnome blinked at me, his bushy black eyebrows dropping as he glared. “Rude asshole, you are.”

“Oh for fuck sake.”

I dug in my pocket and yanked out my bow and two arrows. I stuck one between my teeth and notched the other. I breathed deeply and aimed at the chain holding the cage in place.

“What are you doing?”

My first arrow made the chain rattle but didn’t do as I’d hoped. I notched my second and let loose the string. When I saw the chain snap I shot forward, Shadow Rushing over the blaze. The gnome screamed as he fell toward a roasting death. I grabbed at him from the swirling mire of the rush, circling my fingers around his legs and yanking him into the skill with me. He fought my hold as we returned to solid form.

I let him go and paused, looking at the tips of my fingers. They looked different from normal, but I wasn’t sure what it was. A little darker maybe? I probably just needed to wash. It was beyond filthy down here.

“Why… why did you set me free?” Nigel asked, running a fair distance away from me before turning back.

“I’m not here to torture you. All I want is your help in breaking this hellish bullshit that Melumek has thrown us all into. I have a quest that tells me to find Tony the cable snake man but it seems like I’ve skipped ahead a step or two now that I have found you. Will you help us, Nigel the Sentinel?” I asked.

The gnome's smile broadened until it practically engulfed his tiny head. His laughter rang out, louder than mine had been earlier. I glowered, waiting for him to collect himself and answer my question. I still hadn’t gotten a quest updated notification so I really wasn’t sure what else I needed to do. Surely finding Nigel was the aim of the main questline.

I mean, right from the beginning the Guardians, or whatever they called themselves had encouraged all players stuck on Earth to seek him out. And the passage I’d read in the book the Toilet Master had given me had even told us that Nigel was the only way to return the world to harmony.

So why then, was the bastard still laughing his ass off as he wandered around the room, collecting his clothes and a wicked-looking dagger that glowed.

“I’m not Nigel the Sentinel you fool,” the gnome said. “I’m Nigel the Gatekeeper. Those are two very different things. Gosh, even the humanoids on Hellas were smart enough to figure that one out. No wonder those smelly fools in the robes were trying so hard to get information from me. Ha! They thought I was the all-powerful Nigel the Sentinel, that’s just pure comedy gold I tell you.”

“So who the hell are you then, and why didn’t you just tell them you weren’t who they thought you were.”

The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“They just kept calling me Nigel. That’s my name. Why the hell would I correct them? Besides, their idea of torture was weak as shit. My five-hundred-year-old Gran could do worse with nothing but a slipper. No one messes with Gran.

Anyway, I already told you who I am. Open your ears damn it. I’m Nigel the Gatekeeper.”

“Well fuck,” I snapped throwing my hands into the air and stomping toward the door. “I almost fucking died for nothing. I don’t need a fucking gatekeeper right now, I need a bloody sentinel. Just wait until I tell the others about this, they’re going to lose their fucking minds.”

A sharp blade dug into the flesh of my neck making me come to an abrupt halt.

Nigel tugged at my long hair forcing my head back so I could see him perched on my shoulder. He barely weighed more than Frank.

“Tell anyone about this and you’re dead,” the gnome hissed. “Now, since you’re here it's your job to take me home. Safe and sound, ya hear?”

New Quest Received: There’s No Place Like Home

Description: Nigel has asked if you would kindly guide him home after his misadventure in Oliver’s Rest. It would be best to keep him out of danger on your journey. Every scratch he sustains you will feel tenfold. There is no time limit on this quest but the longer you take the more time you have to spend with Nigel. Just think about that for a second and then move your ass.

“I’m not taking you home,” I snarled not much caring that the little freak still held a knife to my throat. “I don’t care if you jazz it up in a quest. I get nothing from it.”

The gnome chuckled and looked down at me as he sheathed the dagger over his shoulder like it was a giant two-handed sword, which I guess to him, it kind of was. “That’s where you’re wrong mister cranky-pants. I know where Tony the cable snake man is.”

Quest Updated: Dead Drop

Description: Your new best friend Nigel knows where the heartthrob Tony is! Sadly, Nigel is too distraught to tell you anything right now. Perhaps there is something you can do to ease his worries. I’m sure he’d tell you everything he knows about Tony the cable snake man once you do.

“Fuck… you,” I growled, elongating my words for greater effect.

The gnome sat on my shoulder still chuckling away in his mismatched green shorts and bright red shirt. “Mush mister magic shadow man. Mush, I say!”

I started walking down the halls my still aching brain now absolutely fried. All I wanted to do was crawl into a big soft bed and sleep for a week.

“How far away is your home?” I asked, opening up my minimap to have a look. I kept swiping but the little red flag never moved from the far side of the map.

“Oh, it’s not that far. Only about two months of walking for your long-ass legs. Just head due West, we’ll get there eventually.”

I felt myself grow sick at his words. “You live in Perth, don’t you?”

“Hey, you know it? It’s a pretty little place. Right by the ocean. Some nice tall cliffs. A few Crocs now of course but they’re no trouble really.”

I could have dropped to my knees and wept. No seriously, wept my ass off. Do you have any idea how far away Perth is from where I stood? Do you have any idea how fucking big this country is? Not to mention there was a big ass uninhabitable desert that took up the entire center of it so we’d have to go around if we wanted to live.

Let me try to put this in some perspective. Four thousand one hundred and fifty-six kilometers. That’s two thousand five hundred and eighty-two and bit miles. That is a tad more than walking from New York City to fucking Las Vegas, Nevada. Still not getting it? Like walking from London to Copenhagen and then back again!

Now that you know what I’m getting at I’m gonna breeze right on past it. If I think about it too long I will head right on back to Gregory and throw myself in the pit.

Nigel smacked me over the head as I stopped outside a cage holding a scruffy-looking man in what looked like a potato sack with arm holes cut in it.

“What do you think you are doing? There is no time to dillydally with your mates!” The little gnome howled.

“Shut up, I’m making a distraction.”

I didn’t bother telling the rude little creature that I had planned to set everyone free from the beginning. There was no point in giving him more ammo for his whining machine.

“Thank you,” the grubby man said as he stumbled out of the cage. “You are a saint.”

The gnome laughed. “He wishes. Now run off before the psycho men in dresses catch you again.”

The man hesitated, his brows dipped in a deep frown as he looked at the little creature riding on my shoulder like some kind of parrot. His desire to live overpowered his curiosity and he took off running.

I sighed and moved on to the next. Battling through the lockpicking minigame. I swore when I broke my second last one. My next attempt was successful though. I opened three more cages before my final lockpick snapped in half.

I tossed the broken pieces to the ground and muttered every curse I could think of.

“What the hell is the matter with you?” the gnome asked.

“That was my last lockpick,” I said.

The gnome tilted its head like a dog. “Lock…pick?”

It was my turn to frown. “Yeah, a tool you use to open locks when you don’t have the key.”

The gnome's eyes widened and then all of a sudden he started laughing again. “Is that what you have been doing? Jiggling around inside that little hole to pop them open? You’re so adorable, like a dog too dumb to walk through an open door.”

I bristled and snapped right back, “well how would you do it then, smart guy?”

“Hold your hand out,” Nigel said.

I did as he said, my arm shaking as he flounced down it and stood on my palm. The heels of his tiny boots dug into the sensitive flesh of my hand. He looked at me with a wicked smile on his face and lifted a finger, the tip of it glowed gold. He touched the lock. There was a loud click as the door swung open.

My mouth dropped in disbelief as he scurried back up to his perch on my shoulder. “See,” he said. “Easy peasy.”

I guess he did have some magic after all.

“Why the hell didn’t you just open your birdcage back there if it was that simple?” I asked.

The gnome rolled his eyes. “Duh, the thing was spelled against my magic. Guess they didn’t think to spell it against your weird ass magic.”

The woman we’d freed didn’t say a word as she bolted past us and down the passageway toward what I hoped was the exit.

I looked at Nigel. “Can you teach me to do that?”

The gnome frowned and tapped his finger against his bearded chin. “I’m not sure. It is a high-level gnome spell. Can humans even learn such a thing?”

“We’ve got a long way to go. Mind if we give it a try?”

“Sure! It will break some of the boredom of being trapped in your company.”

I grumbled and swore under my breath as we continued on. Just when we were starting to get along he had to be an ass. This was going to be one long, torturous journey. At least I wouldn’t have to do it alone. The plan was still the same. The others would be gathered by the stone pillar deep in the forest. All I had to do was reach them without being caught and all would be well. Easy as pie.

Too bad whenever anybody says that the shit always hits the fan. I’m starting to think pie is really difficult.

Nigel screamed and grabbed ahold of my hair, shooting tiny fireballs from his fingers like they were bullets from a gun.

I took out my blades and charged, dodging the purple-spotted whip-like tongue as it shot toward me.