“He’ll hear you, shut up,” Miranda hissed.

“No, this is bullshit. That is not a banksia tree, it’s a fountain.”

“It doesn’t matter, we know where he is now.”

“It does matter! We’ve been wandering around this death maze for hours!”

Eric stiffened and looked our way. Miranda pressed further back into the bushes behind her. Stella growled and took a step forward.

“Who’s there? Come out now,” Eric bellowed.

Miranda glared at me. “This is all your fault, get out of my way.”

I shuffled as she stepped over me. She stepped out of our hiding place, tears streaming down her face as she shuffled forward. I shifted, ready to follow her the moment Eric did anything aggressive.

“Thank goodness you found me,” she cried. “I came outside for fresh air and got lost.”

Eric shifted uncomfortably. “Ma’am, it would be best if you returned to the ball.”

“I know, I so badly want to but I don’t know how to find my way back. Could you please take me there?”

“I’m afraid not. I must stay here.” He turned and pointed off into the distance. “You can see the castle from here. Take this drum and hold a steady beat, the monsters will not bother you so long as you continue to play.”

He handed Miranda the drum. She smiled at him and stepped back toward us. “You’re very kind. Please forgive me for this. Stella!”

Stella charged. Her body glowed as she slammed into Eric. He howled as he flew through the air, his unconscious body crumpling by the hedge. I frowned as I forced myself out of the bushes. Something was off.

“That was too easy.”

Miranda ignored me. “This drum is cool.”

“It’s a drum. Why are you focusing on that right now?”

“It’s shiny.”

“I can’t deal with this right now.”

I walked past her and jumped into the fountain hissing as the cold water poured into my boots. I felt around for the button the peacock toad man had pressed. The tiny motif of a cherub drew my attention.

“Both of you, get in here.”

Stella came bounding forward and dove into the water, snapping at the waves her own body created. Miranda followed a little more gingerly, shuddering at the bite of the cold water.

I pressed on the cherub and waited to be sucked into whatever crazy ass place lay on the other side. We waited for a few long minutes but nothing happened.

“Wrong button Joe,” Miranda muttered.

I glared at her. “It’s not like the buttons are labeled. Or obvious.”

“Hurry up, I’m getting cold.”

Turns out, it wasn’t the cherub it was the weird-looking flower. Who would have thought? I wasn’t sure what I expected but being tossed around like a pair of knickers in a washer was not it. Water rushed up my nose as I was sucked down. Blinding purple light flashed in front of me.

It was only for a moment but it was no fun water slide. I slammed into the hard ground. I tried to stand but Stella landed on top of me. She scampered off only to be replaced by Miranda.

“Get off,” I growled into the stone under my face.

“No need to be so snippy.”

I stood and blew a shit ton of water from my nose. We were standing on a hard stone staircase. That led down into a surreal garden. Luminescent plants lit up the space as bugs that looked a lot like butterflies only bigger fluttered about. In the middle of the garden, towering over everything around was a gnarly banksia tree in full bloom.

“It’s beautiful,” Miranda whispered.

“It’s a tree, finally!”

Even Stella snorted derisively at me. I ignored her and started down the stairs. My body was buzzing. Despite the beauty all around I could sense danger. The Count might be a douche but I didn’t know enough about him to completely write him off.

The narrative has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

It’s hard to walk through a wild forest quietly but I was getting better at moving my bulk around. It would not be long before I was as dexterous as a cat. I stepped on a twig and the resounding snap made me flinch. Okay, so maybe it would take a little longer than that.

The sound of flapping had my eyes shooting upward. A large crow landed on a branch above us.

“Frank?”

The crow tilted its head and shuffled its feet but didn’t scream at me. I was almost disappointed. I kind of missed Frank.

“Why’s it looking at us?”

“Probably just wants us to shut up.”

“Huh?”

Oh right, she’d never met my main man Frank. That’s disappointing. I ignored the confusion all over her face and crept forward, dropping down into a squat as I looked through the thick foliage.

The Count was standing beside the trunk of the banksia and wrapped in his arms was a curvy blonde wearing a skimpy black dress and bright red heels. They were locked in a passionate embrace.

“Well, this should be easy enough,” I whispered.

I left the others behind waiting as I crept through the underbrush closer to the pair. It was easy enough to do. The odd rustle or cracking twig didn’t bother them at all. I rounded the tree before I shadow-rushed across the small clearing around the trunk of the tree. It was nice to have that ability back. My magicka replenished so damn slowly. My health returned almost three times faster. If I wanted to keep using the skill I’d have to figure out how to up my magicka. That shouldn’t be too difficult, I was currently on a mission with a mage after all.

There was a disturbing amount of wet smacking coming from the other side of the tree as I shimmied around it. I stood behind the couple in full view but still, neither of them noticed me. I know I should be grateful but really it was just sad on their part.

I reached out and plucked the crown from the Count's head. I froze waiting for them to notice but all they did was roll onto the ground and start tearing off their clothes. Gross. I didn’t bother trying to sneak back this time, all I did with throw my hands up and walk away.

I shoved the crown into my pocket.

New Item Received: Crown of Reverence

Description: A crown of a true leader. Wear this and your followers will lift you up.

Effect: Complete compliance. Distance is dictated by remaining power.

Power: 1/10

Miranda stood up when she saw me nonchalantly wandering toward her. Stella bounded out to meet me, trotting happily along beside me.

When I pushed into the forest Miranda asked, “was that it?”

“Seems like it. Don’t look back though. No one needs to see that.”

We were halfway back to the stairs when the danger finally arrived. The crow reappeared, flapping above us and screeching.

“What the hell!” The Count bellowed behind us finally realizing what was happening.

The glow of the forest turned red as a thundering cloud appeared above us. Lightning flashed as huge rocks of ice fell on our heads.

We bolted for the stairs. I grabbed Stella, who was much harder to hold now. Miranda pushed the odd flower button sending as spiraling back through the icy waters. The fountain spat us out like used gum. The storm followed us, lighting up the sky.

“Stop!” Eric bellowed.

We ignored him, sprinting into the maze toward the castle. The fountain glowed purple again spewing out the Count and his lover. The cockatoo man lifted his hands and screamed at the sky. The clouds swelled. Lightning struck the ground by our feet.

“He’s a Weather Mage!” Miranda screamed.

“Did you really just miss the opportunity to say Weather Wizard?” I snapped, guiding us down another path.

A Croc stepped out in front of us, its roar muted by the boom of thunder overhead. I yanked out my blades and stabbed the bastard, not even bothering to try hard. The Croc dropped and began to glow but there was no time to loot.

We rounded another corner and were swarmed by wallabies.

“Wait, I have an idea,” Miranda shouted over the noise of the storm.

She yanked out the drum she’d taken from Eric and began to beat on it. The wallabies hissed and ran away but it didn’t stop the lightning. The Count charged around a corner with his lover and Eric on his heels.

Running through a maze when you’re in a hurry is hard. I used my blades to slash through the hedges. We didn’t have time for dead ends. By the time we reached the end, the party guests had crowded the terrace, all of them shouting and pointing.

We rounded the castle, heading for the stables. A gale-force breeze battered us as we ran. Pain stabbed at my side.

Miranda’s speed dropped to little more than a jog as she screamed, “my stamina is empty.”

I stopped for half a second and she climbed onto my back. I continued running, my stamina dropping much faster with her added weight. Stella broke the doors of the stable open with her charge attack as we followed her in. I wheezed and dropped to a knee. Miranda climbed off of me.

“Grab a horse,” I panted.

Miranda smiled, an action that didn’t at all fit the disaster of our escape. “I know just the one.”

I looked up as a stable door crashed open in front of us in a wave of blue fire.

“Son of a bitch.”

The horse stamped out of the stable and whinnied at me, his magical fire blazing in his eyes. I stood, throwing myself on his back and lifting Miranda up behind me. I would have yanked Stella up too but she was buzzing with golden light and already running.

Sob followed the dog, charging down the cobbled streets into the Upper Heights.

“What about Nora?” Miranda screamed in my ear.

“She’s not part of this, she’ll be fine with Theo.”

“But, Joe…”

“No buts, we have to go.”

The wind howled around us as a bell began to toll. Guards chased after us, half riding horses and the others the knife-feathered emus we’d met in the maze. I couldn’t help but wonder how their asses weren’t torn to shreds.

“Can’t you put the crown on and tell them to go away?” Miranda asked.

I dug in my pockets and did as she said, slamming the crown on top of my head.

I faced the guards and commanded them as loudly as I could, “stop!”

They did not. Of course, they didn’t. Why couldn’t anything ever be easy?