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Outback Joe vs the Toilet Croc Invasion
Chapter 203 – Bolts, Booty and Bad Aim

Chapter 203 – Bolts, Booty and Bad Aim

Pickpocket. Nope.

Golden Tongue (I). Definitely not.

Shadow Pulse. Better, I guess.

I could go around the room kissing everyone but I really wasn’t in the mood for that kind of party right now. Or, you know, the vicious mauling that the other Crocs would rain down on me while I was tonguing one of their friends.

I had time to think about it. The Crocs seemed confused by Kendrick’s shadowy form. They circled him and grumbled in their guttural language. One was brave enough to poke at the ghost of a man. When it did its clawed hand passed right through the wispy Shadow Walker. That was enough to send them all into a frenzy. The noise brought more of the Crocs that had been circling Nora and Gabby into the room which was wonderful for me. I so enjoyed being trapped behind a box in a corner looking at a veritable army of murderous reptiles. The small kind didn’t scare me as much as they once had but these ones were different. They all wore some kind of odd clothing and some even had weapons strapped to their bodies. Why did Croc monsters need weapons?

None of it made sense. Not the Crocs. Not this place. Not the fact that all three of my friends were trapped but not dead.

Time remaining: 3 hours 53 minutes.

Well, shit. I flicked through my skills again, frustrated that few of them could help in this particular situation. One caught my attention. I glanced up at the Crocs still enraptured by Kendrick’s form. It might work.

“Any time now, sweetheart,” Kendrick bellowed over the blaring of the siren.

I flinched, worried the Crocs might turn their attention to whomever Kendrick was yelling at, namely me. The chain was a dead giveaway of my location and yet the creatures took no notice of it. They did however hear Kendrick’s words and they did not like it. One larger one with a speckling of red scales intermingled with his green ones rushed forward and clawed at the shadow. It did little but make Kendrick mutter and curse under his breath.

A loud snap reverberated around the room and suddenly the siren was silent.

“What the hell is this?”

The intelligible words made me jump. My booted foot scuffed the floor. A single Croc lifted its head and stared at the box I hid behind, tilting its head one way and then the other. He took a step in my direction as my fingers dipped into my bum bag.

“Polk,” the same voice grumbled. “Get Advisor Zuk. Tell him we have three new delicacies for the feast.”

The Croc that had heard me spun about, angling his long pointed snout at the smallest of the Crocs present, and said something in the language I didn’t understand.

The Croc turned his sickly purple-stained face on the one named Polk. “The shadow beast counts. I won’t repeat myself.”

Polk made an odd gesture with his tail. To me, it was a flick and swish but the purple-stained Croc seemed to appreciate it. The ground beneath me shook as Polk rushed from the room. I clamped my teeth hard when he ran past me but the beast was so focused on the door that I went unnoticed.

“Look, my scaley friends,” Kendrick said. “This is not necessary. I am of no threat to you and tasteless to boot.”

Damn, wish I got a recording of that one, I thought to myself.

The purplish Croc stepped closer to Kendrick’s shadow and bared his pointed teeth in a horrible smile. “You reek of the Guardians with just an after scent of Primordial. That makes you important. Important creatures taste the best.”

Kendrick’s shoulders jerked letting off tiny wisps of smoke as he tried and failed to move his dark ghostly arms. “I have no form. You will not be able to eat me.”

The Croc only chuckled before he turned and marched back toward Nora and Gabby. I could hear the muffled string of curses the warrior woman was spouting off. It made me proud that even though she was frozen in place and majorly outnumbered Nora still kept hold of her spirit. Many of the other Crocs followed the smaller one, trailing behind the beast like a line of ducklings following their mumma.

Three remained. I could handle three. Well… I hoped I could.

Digging deeper into my bum bag I opened my inventory and eyed my dwindling collection of potions. I had two paralysis potions left over from my battle with Kendrick and Jitta. It would have to be enough. I drew both from my bum bag along with two bolts. It was hard to work silently in my cramped little spot but somehow I managed to load a bolt and dump the potion over it without drawing the Croc's attention.

Before I did anything else I focused on my Unrelenting Force skill. For a moment I thought he couldn’t make it into this realm but then he was there, bouncing up and down in front of my face with an enthusiasm that made me jealous. I really should name the little glob of shadow.

“Go distract the Crocs for me,” I whispered to my little friend. “Draw them as far from here as you can.”

I peeked around the edge of the box and watched as the glob bounded over the ground. I cursed when it reached the rune-marked zone and they lit up. I needn’t have though, they might have lit up but they soon flickered and doused themselves, uninterested in the glob. The Crocs were very interested. The noises that escaped their gaping maws had me grinding my teeth. Their tails whipped around and their clawed hands reached but there was no catching my swift-moving glob.

He wove between their legs. Driving the trio to slam their heads together in their haste to catch the splotch of darkness. They roared and had the floor shaking in their pounding rush out the side door. The other Crocs that had followed the purple one must have heard the commotion and yet not a single one of them stuck their head back through to check it out.

That wasn’t my problem right now. Kendrick was my problem. One step at a time.

I leaped from my hiding place and wrapped my hands around the glimmering golden chain that kept us bound together. I yanked but it did nothing but pull the line taut. I felt like I was fishing but it was an unmoveable log on the other end.

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“How much do you weigh Kendrick, holy hell.”

“There’s no need for rudeness,” the shadow man barked.

“Consider you’re supposed to be a Master Shadow Walker and you walked into an obvious trap I think there is plenty of reason for rudeness.”

“Obvious my ass, this whole place is filled with weird ass drawings like those ones. We passed a ton of them on the way here and they did nothing.”

“I didn’t see any of them.”

“Some Shadow Walker you are, Jackroller.”

“How many more times do I have to tell you that I’m a Bandit?”

“At least ten. Maybe when you go up another level I’ll believe it,” Kendrick said.

Giving up on simply tugging the man free of the trap I dropped the chain and focused on my Enhanced Shadow Eye skill, using it to scan the room inch by inch. Behind me the box I’d hidden behind glimmered with tempting golden sparkles. I resisted the urge to race to it and loot whatever was hidden inside. I had to focus right this second.

Up near the ceiling, a cluster of silver sparkles marked a place to hide. That would be useful if I could shoot webs from my ass the way Red the money-hungry Arachnes did. Not helpful.

The pounding of the Crocs made my mouth grow dry. Wherever my shadow glob had taken them it was not nearly far enough. I had to hurry. My eyes flicked. Over on the wall by the door that led to the other room a single spot of golden sparkles no bigger than a fifty-cent piece drew my attention. From this distance, I couldn’t see exactly what it was but it was positioned where a light switch would logically be placed.

I switched out my poisoned bolt for a plain one and took aim at the spot. I couldn’t reach it myself without stepping under the powerful markings. With a little prayer to my Goddess, I let loose. The bolt whizzed through the air and shattered against the wall a full foot from the sparkles. Fuck. With an impressive amount of speed, I reloaded the crossbow and let loose again only to miss the mark by even more in my haste.

Breathing hard with the sound of thudding footsteps pounding in my ears I turned and Blinked. I shot back to my hiding place just as the door to the other room was flung open. The purple stained Croc with his glowing orange eyes stomped back in, lifting his snout high as he audibly snuffled at the air.

“What have you done with my fool guards, shadow man?” the Croc growled.

“General Grack stuck his nose in and told them to follow him. Guess he outranks you,” Kendrick lied.

For a moment the purple Croc was silent and then he burst into laughter so harsh it grated on my ears. Through his snuffles and snorts he managed to say, “Nice try. The bastard Grack is a good seven levels below me. My guards are idiots but they don’t have a death wish.”

I frowned at the words. Turning them over in my head as I tried to make sense of them. This Croc, who was the smallest one I’d ever seen, was somehow powerful? Granted, his scales were a lovely shade of vivid purple, but did that mean something I didn’t know about?

“Well, it was worth a try,” Kendrick said with a little sigh. “They chased some weird rat thing out that way. Guess whatever it was was more interesting than little old me.”

The Croc stared at the shadowy man. “You stink but not of lies. I guess I’ll toss a few extra claws into the evening festivities.”

Kendrick let out a noisy yawn. “Can you just let me go now? I’m getting awfully bored.”

“That we have in common.” The Croc turned his head back into the other room and snapped, “Hur, guard the delicacies. I have better things to do.”

The Croc marched from the room, holding himself rigid with pride. I watched him go, my mouth hanging open in disbelief. My fingers itched to draw a sketch of the Croc and write up a description. Now was a bad time but damn even I was impressed and just a little intimidated. Even my Identify skill had nothing to say about the creature unless you counted a bunch of unhelpful question marks. Whatever the Croc was, he was deceptively powerful.

“Best hurry, Joe,” Kendrick said with a new urgency in his tone. “I don’t like where this is heading.”

I slipped a new bolt into my crossbow and rested my arm over the box, taking care with my aim. The golden sparkles of the box made it difficult to focus on the small ones by the door. I bit my inner cheek as I fired.

A chime rang out around the room and the glowing runes on the ceiling flicked off. A pressure I hadn’t realized was pressing on me from the powerful spell lifted. Kendrick slumped, gripping his knees as a more intense feeling of relief swamped him.

New Achievement: Sharpshooter

Hot damn! I can’t believe you made that shot. Best don some tights and enter that competition to free your foxy sweetheart.

I stood there staring at the dancing golden words until Kendrick started waving his black wispy hands in front of my face.

“Earth to Joe,” he said. “Earth to Joe, are you in there?”

“Fuck off would you.”

I took a step in the direction of the other room but paused, kneeling beside the box and forcing the lid off of it. The action had me gasping for breath. The thing was on tight. It was worth it though. So, so worth it. The dark brown scaly leather within was enough to have my mouth watering more than when I got a whiff of Mrs. Percott’s famous apple cobbler.

I dove in, snatching up my prize like my life depended on it.

New Item Received: Grand Croc Leather Armor

Description: A full set of leather armor crafted from the hide of a high-ranking Croc warrior. Supple, tough, and oh so attractive you’ll turn heads on the catwalk with this piece.

Armor: 396

New Item Received: Grand Croc Skin Gloves

Armor: 202

Description: Strong but flexible enough to keep your fingers fingering. You can’t go wrong with these delicate stitched beauties. Slip those digits inside and you’ll see what I mean.

New Item Received: Grand Croc skin boots

Armor: 287

Effect: 70% water resistance. Silent step.

Description: The heel is short but the look is divine. Squeeze your little toes into these classic boots and you’ll be well-protected and fashionable at the same time.

I wasted no time replacing my lackluster black armor with the gleaming new brown leather. The entire set fit beautifully together. My feet felt like they were floating on a cloud. The boots were crafted so well that the pointed toes no longer pinched my feet. I lost the inbuilt sheath that came with my last set but my sword fit snuggly behind my belt. I’d have to buy or find a new house for it eventually but for now, the placement would do.

“My, aren’t we dashing,” Kendrick said.

“Hell yeah I am,” I said right back, practically bounding to the doorway on the other side of the room.

“Careful sweetheart, there are many beasties in there.”

“Right. Um. Go distract them for me, would you? Like my glob friend did.”

“Glob friend?”

“Just go, alright. It won’t take long.”

I loaded another bolt as the door swung wide and Kendrick raced inside. I watched the chain stretch and wondered how far he’d get before it pulled taut. Ignoring that horrible thought and the endless roars of Crocs chasing a shadow I stuck my head into the room, found the sparkles, and fired. And fired again. And again. The fourth time is the charm.

The glowing markings turned dark as the chain reached its limit and Kendrick made a circle, rushing back toward me with a wave of Crocs on his ass.

Nora sighed her relief at being set free and hefted her heavy axe, a dangerous glint in her eye. She rounded on the beasts rushing our way and with a smile said, “My turn.”

I almost felt bad for the Crocs. Almost.