The crocs roared as they advanced, their clawed hands reaching out for us. The anger still bubbling inside kept the piss in my bladder where it belonged. We’d faced this before back at Joridoon Flats and I wasn’t about to die now. No. Killing these beasts would feel really, really good.

I drew my new bow and notched an arrow. I pulled back on the string and let loose. The arrow whirled through the air and slammed into the forward crocs leg, exploding as it sunk into the beast's flesh. The croc made a horrible noise as it stumbled back, its health dropping dramatically. The second croc stumbled too, the explosion enough to steal a small chunk of its health as well.

I smiled wickedly and drew another arrow. This was amazing. Sob screamed, a bolt of lightning shooting from his muzzle and slamming into the chest of the second croc. Its health bar dropped and a little icon appeared beside it. The croc stiffened and slowly fell backward, paralyzed as I had been when we faced off against the scorpions.

Stella charged, expertly dodging past the first croc to dig her teeth into the paralyzed body of the second. I notched a second arrow and then paused. Stella was too close.

“Come get me you ugly bastard,” I bellowed stepping back.

Sob reared and bolted. I didn’t mind. This time, I wasn’t afraid. The croc charged. I waited for it to be halfway between Stella and me before I let loose my next arrow. The arrow whizzed past the croc's head, flying further down the street before exploding against a building, scattering brick and grout dust everywhere.

Fuck.

I hurried to load another. Loosening it before I’d had a chance to properly aim. The croc roared as the arrow struck it and exploded. The blast lifted me off my feet, throwing me to the ground. My grip on the bow slipped and it skittered away from me.

Double fuck.

I chased after it, the croc right behind me covered in blood. I snatched the weapon and turned but it was too late the croc was on me. I screamed as its claws tore deep gashes across my chest. I could feel its hot breath on my face.

“Shut the hell up!”

The croc reared away from me as a feather lump of black slammed into its head. Frank tore at the beast's eyes with his beak.

“Frank, fly!” I bellowed.

Frank took to the air, just barely missing being slashed by the croc's thrashing claws. The croc’s head dropped, its eyes now gapping bloody wounds. I let loose another arrow and the beast stumbled and exploded. I slammed back against the road, my head banging painfully into the asphalt. Bloody bits of croc rained down around me.

I tried to breathe but my chest felt bad. Wrong.

“Sob,” I said in a breathless whimper.

A brilliant flash of blue blinded me and my health rose to half. I sucked in a much-needed breath, clutching at the wounds on my chest that were now closed over. If this kept up I’d be more scar than man.

Stella trotted up to me, her muzzle bloodied. She tried to lick my face but I pushed her away. The largest chunk of the blown-up croc glowed gold just like the whole body of its friend where Stella had left it.

I crawled to the chunk and focused on the icon, taking the tooth, the ornate bowl, and the lockpick the loot window offered. I hurried to the other. I tried to hit the loot-all button but the game screamed at me.

Insufficient inventory space!

Goddammit. I took the tooth and looked at the other two items. Croc skin gloves and an uncut sapphire. Why the hell did a croc have a sapphire? I ran a hand through my hair. This was hard. I already had gloves but if these gloves were anything like the boots they’d be so much better. But the sapphire, maybe it was worth a ton of gold. That would be amazing.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

Maybe I should drop something I had so I could take both. Yeah, that was the way to go. I closed out of the loot window and riffled in my bum bag, pulling out the ornate bowl. It was very fancy but it was just an empty bowl after all. I placed it on the ground and took both the gloves and the sapphire.

I ignored the majority of the words floating in front of my face and focused on the gloves.

New Item Received: Croc Skin Gloves

Armor: 98

I was a little disappointed at losing the lockpicking effect but there was no denying these gloves were way better. They even fit comfortably unlike Buckley’s Mitts. I stretched my fingers, impressed. Now I really was a sight to see. Bright green scaly boots and gloves and a brilliant pink bum bag. I could stroll the catwalks of Milan in this ensemble.

I climbed to my feet and Frank settled on my shoulder, his weight a balm to my bruised soul. I reached up and rubbed the soft feathers on his chest.

“Thanks for coming back, buddy.”

“Frank shut the hell up!”

I laughed. It was good to have him back. I leaned down and stroked Stella’s head as I looked around for Sob. He was standing not far away.

“Sob, you’re a badass do you know that?”

The horse whipped his tail, fully aware that he was. I rose to my full height and scrubbed a hand over my face. I guess it was time to go back to the Cackle Shack and finally finish this quest.

I ran back the way we’d come, weaving through the streets until the ugly red building came into view. We left Sob outside and the three of us went inside. I was edgy this time but thankfully Sarah was not there. I searched the building, looking for anything that was quest worthy.

Nothing. There was nothing. I groaned and fell against the host stand mumbling curses under my breath. I picked up one of the schedules and browsed it to clear the jumble of nonsense swirling inside my head.

Now featuring Outback Joe!

I blinked. Outback Joe? Surely it didn’t mean… I looked up at the microphone. Oh fuck me, this is ridiculous. I scrunched up the schedule and walked up to the microphone. I tapped it, a little surprised when it actually worked.

Okay, now listen. Before I tell you what happened I need to confess something. I’m not funny. I don’t know many jokes. I don’t have any funny stories to tell. Can I skip this part? Can I just say after a few tries I succeeded and completed the quest? No? Please?

Fine. But this is on you. I don’t want to hear any complaints about this. I swear, I’ll find you if you do.

“Ahh, knock knock…”

There was only silence. Well fuck. I guess those jokes only work if you have an actual audience. Umm, let’s try another.

“What did the toaster say to the bread? I want you inside me.”

Silence. Then a flashing red cross lit up over my head. Nope, no good. I’d have to try again.

I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. Don’t judge me.

“What did the fish say when he ran into a wall? Oh, dam.”

The red cross flashed again. Dammit.

“What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.”

The red cross again. I groaned and slapped my hands to my face, horribly embarrassed despite the lack of audience. Even having Stella and Frank here was too much. This was worse than finding the recipe. Kill me. Do it now.

“How is playing bridge similar to sex? If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.”

Nope. Clearly, I wasn’t understanding what the game wanted. Maybe I should just give up and go find the child-eating witch. That had to be preferable to this fiasco.

“What do you call a constipated crocodile? A crockashit.”

Snorting laughter sounded out from the tables below. A green arrow flashed above my head.

Quest complete: a Laugh on High

Reward: 100 gold

“That was great, tell another one.”

I searched for the owner of the voice, freezing when I saw the lady sitting at a table stroking Stella’s head. She had an oddly familiar mass of brown curls tumbling about her face. The rage came rushing back like a flood, burning through my whole body like I’d just chugged a bottle of hot sauce.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

The woman froze and looked at me, a hurt look on her sunburnt face. She stood, picked up her two-handed battle axe, and took off toward the door. It was only then that I realized she wasn’t Sarah.

“No, wait,” I called.

She didn’t stop. She slammed the door open and disappeared out into the night.