Have you ever met someone before who was so frustratingly chipper that you just wanted to strangle them? That was Red. He was all smiles and compliments and cheesy sales tactics like you’d find in a car yard. It was enough to drive me crazy.
“Could you please tell me about the cable snake now?” I asked.
Red beamed like he’d just been given a prize. “I told you before, that information is worth three-hundred gold. Are you ready to trade?”
“Yes. Give it to me,” I said.
“Head into my shop, I’ll show you around.”
I did as he said, trying not to glare at the image of him filling up half the screen. The same items as before were listed for sale. I eyed the shirt longingly, but it wasn’t my main focus right now. Red directed me to the books near the bottom of the list. There were three there.
Flo’s everyday cookbook
100 gold
Torn diary page
300 gold
Salamanders sultry surrender
300 gold
I lifted a brow at Red. “I’m assuming I should be looking at the diary page and not the sex book.”
“Don’t be so closed-minded buckaroo. You could learn a lot from books like this. The stories are poignant, inventive, and very descriptive. Maybe you’d like to give it a shot? Who knows, maybe you’ll find a lady friend who could appreciate a little creativity,” Red rambled.
“Just give me the diary page, Red. I’m not looking for a love story right now. Not while the world is being overrun by monsters.”
“It’s yours!” Red said. The diary page vanished from the list and my stash of gold shrank. “I know the monsters are a bit wild, but you’re still a virile youngster. Don’t let those nasty crocodiles get you down. There’s still plenty more here? Can I interest you in a hot meat pie, or maybe this toupee? It’s a quality piece and is guaranteed to make you look ten years younger.”
My hand shot to the small thinning patch of hair at my crown. “Leave off Red. Show me your shirts or armor instead.”
“Your wish is my command… say, I don’t actually know your name yet,” Red said.
“Joe. Call me Joe.”
“Right, well Joe. Take a look at all of this.”
Iron breastplate
950 gold
Basic shirt
150 gold
Heavy steel breastplate of fortitude
3000 gold
I almost drooled when I saw the steel breastplate. I’d thought the money I’d accumulated in the old mine was a significant amount but apparently, I was wrong. It was throwing me out how prices worked now. Everything was different than it had been before. Like the candle. I could pick up a candle for a dollar or two but now they cost seventy-five gold? That’s ridiculous.
Besides with a steel breastplate, I’d look really cool, you have to admit that. Like a real knight in shiny armor. I’d just need a shield and a sword. They’d look great with my green croc boots and the bright pink bum bag.
With a sigh, I chose the basic shirt and wondered if Red would point me in the direction of another gold mine. Probably not, at least not unless I paid the bastard for the information.
“Give me the shirt Red.”
“Sure thing, Joe!”
The shirt icon flashed red and words filled the screen.
Insufficient inventory space!
Dammit!
“Oops, looks like you might need to sell some of your goods. Lucky, I’m here for you, let's have a look at what you have.”
Bag of potatoes
50 gold
Half-eaten bag of jerky
20 gold
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
Tarnished zippo lighter
100 gold
Basic pants
100 gold
Buckley’s Mitts
500 gold
Croc skin boots
800 gold
Ye Olde Slingshot
350 gold
Lockpick
80 gold
Canteen
120 gold
I ran a hand over my face as I stared at my meager collection of goods. Everything I had seemed vital, how was I supposed to get rid of any of it just for a shirt?
“If you don’t want to sell I have something you might be interested in,” Red said and snapped his fingers.
The shop window changed and suddenly I was looking at a backpack. My excitement died pretty quickly when I saw the price.
“five-hundred gold, are you serious?” I bellowed.
Red smiled. “I know its worth and so do you. You’ll get ten extra inventory slots with this little beauty.”
Ten! Damn that’s a good item. I eyed my gold collection. After buying the diary scrap I only had three hundred and fifteen gold left. Not enough. I wanted to scream in frustration. It’s like I was a kid again just trying to scrape enough money together for bills. I say kid but really that was happening right up until maybe a year ago.
Guess it was time to make some hard choices.
I sold the slingshot, the bag of potatoes, and the zippo leaving me with a grand total of eight hundred and fifteen gold. The bag took five hundred of it and the shirt another one-hundred and fifty. Suddenly I was broke again and weaponless. If I ever made it back to the mad professor he’s be pissed that I sold his slingshot.
Now I had twelve empty inventory spots though, and that is incredibly exciting. Yes, I know that’s sad. Shut up.
Honestly selling the slingshot wasn’t as bad as losing my stash of potatoes. I’d barely gotten a chance to eat any. I love potatoes. Everybody does.
“Do you have any weapons that won’t cost me a fortune?”
With another snap, the shop's menu changed. And I was looking at a sizable list of goodies. Every single one of them just made me sad.
Iron dagger
160 gold
Ebony bow of burning
5000 gold
Ye Olde Slingshot
500 gold
Recurve bow
900 gold
Iron sword
800 gold
Oak crossbow
1100 gold
Well, guess I didn’t have much of a choice. An iron dagger was better than nothing. And it left me enough gold to pay for a ride back up to the top of the crevice. I wasn’t stupid enough to think Red wouldn’t charge me again.
I left the shop window with my disappointing five gold and waited for the crash of notifications to fade away. I didn’t need to read them. The shirt was just a shirt, it offered little to no armor and the dagger was somewhere between my slingshot and the sultry whip in attack value. Enough to hopefully keep me out of trouble. It wouldn’t help much against a croc. If I had to be close enough to one to hit it with my dagger it would tear me apart.
I focused on the shirt and it appeared around me, the rough fabric itching my sensitive sunburnt skin. I took the dagger from its inventory place and slipped it behind my belt where I could reach it easier. I hadn’t sifted through everything Red had to sell but maybe next time, when I had a little more gold, I could buy some sort of scabbard for the thing.
Everything now placed where it should be, I focused on the torn diary page.
Dear Diary,
It’s finally happening. Tony from Dingo Handyman Service is coming tomorrow and he’s bringing a cable snake with him. I’m so excited. This time I think I might open the door in just my shorts, that’s bound to get his attention.
I know I’m being a little crazy right now, but Tony is just… you know? With that shaggy blonde beard and the muscles and the sexy dragon tattoo. It’s just… wow.
Should I offer him a beer when he gets here? I feel like I should. I’m sure he knows I’m the reason he’s had to come by so often. I tried to be subtle but I’m no magician.
It doesn’t matter though. If this doesn’t work then I think I’m done. I’ll have to move on. Wish me luck!
There was a loopy signature at the bottom of the page. I couldn’t read the thing but it started with an ‘s’. I felt a little wrong reading someone’s diary, especially given the contents. I might as well have bought the sex book Red had for sale. It didn’t give me much information about the cable snake though, just that Tony, whoever that was, had it.
The scrap of paper disappeared after I’d read it.
Quest updated: Dead Drop
Description: It’s so rude to read someone's private thoughts, but the diary held some important details. It’s time to go on a hunt for Tony the cable snake man. Just be careful, apparently, this guy makes people a little hot under the collar.
I made a face and watched the words vanish. I’m pretty sure whoever made this game come to life needs to get laid. Whoever they are they seem a little antsy.
“Red, can you give us a ride to the top?”
“Sure thing, buckeroo. That’s five…”
“Yeah, I know. Just take us up.”
Red smiled and grabbed us like we were dolls before hauling us back up to the top. This time I was careful to make sure he dropped us on the right side of the crevice.
I checked my minimap, unsurprised when there was no marker to show me which way to go. The note I’d paid three-hundred gold for had been next to useless. Finding this Dingo Handyman Service business would be a little difficult without access to my old pal Google. Man, I missed my phone.
“Trouble,” Frank squawked.
I stiffened, looking around but there were no crocs that I could see.
Frank spread his wings and flapped over to my shoulder, shouting in my ear, “trouble.”
“Yeah, I know buddy. Just wait until you meet my friend.”
I was at a loss so there was only one person I could go to. The Toilet Master of Deepwater. I grabbed at my crotch, I couldn’t help it. I really didn’t want that asshole to blow my jewels off with his shotgun.