You know that feeling you get when you’re walking into a job that you hate with every fiber of your being? You know how you’d rather tear out every hair on your head or even break a bone rather than push through that door? Yeah, that’s how I felt as I walked up the rotting head lined path to the Toilet Master’s house.
The flickering of candlelight was filtering through the holes in the door, attracting a swarm of bugs. Sob refused to follow me up the path, instead finding a small patch of grass to graze on. Stella followed me and Frank sat quietly on my shoulder. His weight was a surprising comfort as I approached the crazy man.
I stood to the side of the door and took a deep shuddering breath before I knocked on the door.
“Don’t shoot! It’s Joe!” I shouted, one hand protecting my head and the other my privates.
“Get off my lawn!”
“Just let me in, alright? I survived Dead Drop.”
With a lot of muttered profanity, the Professor opened the door. “That’s hard to believe. What makes you so special that you lived when all the others didn’t?”
“Who else did you send to their deaths, Professor?” I asked.
“Never mind cowpoke. Get in already. The dog stays outside,” the Toilet Master said.
“No, she doesn’t, and neither does the bird, alright? I’ve got information for you.”
The man spat just beside my foot. I screwed up my face and pushed past the bastard, Stella following me like the good girl she is.
“Shut the hell up!” Frank screamed at the strange man.
I heard the cocking of a gun. “What the fuck did that feather-brained wanker say to me?”
“Ease off, Toilet Master. He’s just a bird.”
The barrel of the gun pressed into my back. “Say that again cowpoke, I dare you.”
I sighed and dropped into the armchair near the blackboard, ignoring the man's red-faced rage. For some reason, so long as I wasn’t standing on the other side of his door, I wasn’t afraid of him. That was probably a pretty poor decision on my part but here we are.
“Ever heard of Dingo Handyman Service?” I asked.
The Toilet Master dropped his gun on a table and disappeared into a different room that I assumed was his kitchen. There was a lot of banging and swearing and something splashing. When he returned he was carrying a tray with two bowls of something that smelled amazing and two mismatching cups filled with whiskey.
I happily took his weirdly kind offering and dug into the stuff. The whiskey burned nicely down my throat and the stew was so damn good. The meat fell apart in my mouth and the spicy tomato broth… wow.
“Damn, man. You could put Mrs. Percott to shame with this meal. Where the hell did you learn to cook like that?”
I couldn’t help but notice the man's chest puff out just a little more than normal.
“I’m good at just about everything. Not sure why something so simple surprises you but whatever. What did you find at the crag?”
I took my time answering, thoroughly enjoying the first real meal I’d had in like a week. Between bites and sips, I explained everything that had happened. From the croc on the crag to Red and the gold mine. I didn’t mention selling his slingshot though. I didn’t want to spoil this good mood he seemed to be in.
When I’d finally finished my story I took my bowl and his and took them to the sink for washing. It was the least I could do after such a good meal. When I returned the man had stolen my seat and was staring into the distance, completely lost in thought.
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I took up a seat in a far less comfortable chair and stroked Stella’s head while I waited. The dog yawned and went to sleep at my feet. Frank sat stoically on my shoulder, just observing everything that was happening. I tried to stroke his chest but the bird nipped at my fingers.
“So, you didn’t find the cable snake. Just the name of some business?”
“Yeah, that’s all. Do you have a phone or something we can look it up with?” I asked.
The man waved a hand in the air. “No, that won’t help you any good now. The internet went down when the crocs came. We don’t even get the yellow pages out this way so you can’t look it up that way either. I guess as you explore more, you’ll find hints to point you in the right direction.”
“So that’s it, I just wait until I stumble across the place?”
“Yep. That’s it. Nothing I’ve found will help with that. I do have some good information though. Some more quests you can go on. Maybe one of them will help,” the Toilet Master said as he rose and turned to his blackboard.
“You’re going to give me the list now?”
“Yes. You’ve proven yourself for now. You’re still a pain in the ass but your sheer dumb luck is impressive.” He picked up the old beaten notebook from the little chalk shelf under the board and handed it to me. “All the information you need is in here. I wrote it all up in easy-to-understand words for you.”
I glared at him as I took the book. “You know if I read this, it will disappear. That’s what every other thing I’ve read has done since the crocs came.”
The man shrugged and turned away, taking a small spool of string and tying a line of the stuff between two new sections of his board in silence. I sighed and settled back in my chair as I flicked through the book, squinting at some of the harder-to-read parts.
New quest: An Eye for an Eye
Description: There is a master blacksmith in Stanthorpe that might be worth visiting.
New quest: The Witch of Evermore
Description: There have been whispers in the darkest places of the world of the Witch of Evermore. They say she steals children and devours their souls to do her dark magic. In times like this, you can’t be too choosy about the people willing to help you. Bring chocolate, lots of chocolate, when you visit. They say it’s the only way to get her attention unless you have a small child you’re willing to part ways with… maybe the screaming kind that likes to kick your shins?
New quest: A Laugh on High
Description: Up for a day of outstanding comedy? Well here’s your chance. Go visit the Cackle Shack in Stanthorpe. You’ll only be mildly disappointed.
New quest: The Candlestick in the Ballroom
Description: An unholy silence has taken over Old Man Wellington’s manor house. The man was a nut but a long-time collector of all things cryptic. Pay him a visit and find out what happened.
New quest: Barlow Brothers Brewery
Description: Beer!
I waited patiently for all the words to be sucked into my quest menu. I rubbed my aching eyes, my jaw cracking loudly as I yawned.
“Come on,” the Toilet Master said. “You’re no good to me dead on your feet.”
He left the room carrying a candle and I followed, a slow-moving Stella trotting at my heels. He walked up a long hallway lined with dusty old picture frames and pushed open a door at the end. He held it for me as I walked past. What I saw almost made me cry.
The room was tiny but filled with an enormous four-poster bed with an intricate quilt laid over it. The soft light of the Toilet Master’s candle lit the cozy room, reflecting in a mirror hanging on the wall over what looked like a vintage wash station.
“I’ll bring you some hot water to wash your face with. Just do me a favor, and take off your filthy jeans before you go to sleep. My Gran will come back from the dead to beat our asses if we dirty her quilt.”
He handed me his candle and disappeared back down the hall. I watched after him suspiciously. He was being too nice and I couldn’t figure out why. I’m not usually one to look a gift horse in the mouth but something strange was going on here. Maybe if I wasn’t so tired I could have figured it out but the bed behind me had me practically drooling.
I did as the man said and stood waiting in my boxers for him to return with a large jug of hot water. I tipped the stuff into the basin of the washstand. I took off the rest of my clothes and took a much-needed whores bath. The little bar of shell-shaped soap made me smell like roses, after days of filth it was a welcome change. I was careful around all the bruises and cut I’d accumulated but they still stung as the soapy water touched them. Once my body was clean I dunked my jeans in the soapy water, turning it an ugly brown color as I washed some of the filth off. I scrunched out as much of the water as I could before hanging them on one of the bedposts to dry.
My ablutions done, I crawled into the soft clean sheets. It felt like pure heaven. I threw a pillow onto the ground for Stella. There was no point angering the spirit of Gran by letting my girl sleep on the bed. I opened my quest menu and eyed the ones I’d collected. I didn’t think visiting a blacksmith would be worth my time without money. The witch seemed like a dangerous mission, one I wasn’t quite prepared to do just yet. There was only one choice really. One that I could live with anyway.
I rolled over and blew out the candle I’d taken from the Toilet Master. As soon as the sun came up I’d go on the hunt for some beer.