I could still hear the monster croc roaring as it charged this way. Thankfully I couldn’t see it yet. Stella whined and pressed against my leg. I looked around for Sob, but he was nowhere to be seen. I hoped he was somewhere safe.

“You gotta let me in Professor,” I said.

“Did you get it?” the mad idiot asked.

“Yes! Yes, I got your blasted notebook. Open the door.”

The same series of clicks and rattling chains sounded and finally he opened the door. I grabbed Stella and darted inside, slamming the door behind me and locking every single one of the latches.

“Hey,” the Professor bellowed. “That dog can’t be in here!”

I grabbed the man, ignoring the gun he held, and shoved him into a chair by his crazy ass blackboard. “Shut up you idiot,” I hissed, dropping Stella and crouching by the window, moving the curtain aside just a smidge to look out into the street.

The croc was now in view. Its clawed hands held high in front of it as it snuffled at the air.

“I told you, that dog…”

“Shut up you jackass or we’re all dead!”

The man pointed his gun at me but I ignored him. The croc’s head turned from side to side. We sat there in silence just waiting. Finally, it turned and walked back into town. Probably back to the pub for another bottle of tequila. When it disappeared from view I let out the breath I was holding and dropped to my ass, my back against the wall and my eyes closed. That was too fucking close.

“What the hell did you do you moron,” the Professor snarled.

I glared at him. “Shut the fuck up. I got your notebook, that’s what I did.” I threw the book at him and pet Stella who was looking very upset. “Now hurry up and tell me these stupid tasks you want me to complete to get rid of these croc bastards.”

Quest Complete: The Drunken Swindle

The Professor turned the notebook over in his hands, a small smile splitting his wrinkled face. “You did good, I can hardly believe it. Nice work cowpoke.”

“The names Joe.”

“I don’t care.”

The man stood and flipped to a page in his book as he moved to the blackboard, scrubbing out the question mark with his sleeve. He grabbed a chunk of chalk and started scribbling. I just let the man work and riffled in my bum bag for some jerky. I gave a strip of the stuff to Stella and chomped on one myself. I didn’t care much if I made some bad smells in this place. In fact, I think it would make me feel pretty damn good if I upset this bastard’s nose.

The man mumbled and swore and scrubbed things out before writing some more. I watched him but I wasn’t really paying attention. I figured I’d hear all about it in the most offensive manner whenever he was ready.

I was right. I’m always right.

“I’ve got it! I know exactly where you need to go! Oh, there is no way in hell you’ll get this one done. You’re gonna have to wear a camera or something because fuck seeing you try this shit would be the funniest thing.” He cackled like it was already happening as he turned toward me. “Ready to die, cowpoke?”

I wrapped my hand around my slingshot. If I couldn’t shoot him, I was going to cram the thing down his throat. “You said I’d die last time and I didn’t. Think it’s pretty clear this won’t kill me either.”

He laughed again. “Yeah right, Big Toothy McToothison was nothing compared to this. You have to go to the tippy top of Long-Hang Crag. No one, and I mean no one, does that and comes back alive. In fact, around these parts, it goes by another name. Dead Drop. And the best part, you have to catch a cable snake.”

New Quest: Dead Drop

Description: The Toilet Master of Deepwater says you need to go to Dead Drop. A place where no one returns alive. There is a cable snake up there just waiting for you to find it. Best get your ass moving. Looks like it's time to dance with the reaper and see who wins.

I frowned at the words in front of me. “Say, why do they call you the Toilet Master of Deepwater?”

The Professor paled then screwed up his face in rage. “Who told you that name?”

I waggled my finger in the air. “Every time I get a quest it calls you that. Why?”

The man threw his chalk at me and stamped his feet like a child throwing a tantrum. “Are you fucking serious? Does it really say that? I swear, I’m gonna find the game maker and put his head on a pike!”

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“So, why do they call you that?”

“Look, we’re in the middle of nowhere. There aren’t any universities out here for me to teach in. A man has to make a living somehow.”

I snorted. “You were a toilet scrubber, weren’t you?”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up! You’d want to eat too if you were thrown out here,” he said.

“Thrown out here? What does that even mean?”

“My ex-wife took half the damn country in the divorce, alright? My grandparents lived out here so this is where I landed after that fiasco.”

I snorted again. “You live with your grandparents?”

“No! They left me this house. It’s mine, alright! You’re such a fucking jerk, you know that? I hope you fall off the crag and land on your stupid face.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” I said biting back my laughter. “It’s all good man. No need to go bananas on me. I get it. Wifey took it all, happens sometimes.” I left out the part where he probably deserved it and more. Although, I’m pretty sure no one can lay claim to half a country just because of a divorce. I sighed and eyed the board behind him. “So that’s it? One quest? I thought you said it was a list of things I needed to do, not just one thing.”

“No,” he grumbled. “There’s more. But what’s the use in telling you about it when you’re just going to die anyway?”

“Are you serious? You’re holding out on me because I might die? What kind of NPC are you?”

“I’m not an NPC you moron,” he growled. “What on earth makes you think that?”

“Then why the hell are you a part of the main quest? If you die then everyone is fucked. That doesn’t make sense at all.”

“I’m not an NPC,” he howled.

“Alright. I get it. I’m just saying, it doesn’t make sense,” I said, calming Stella with a few pets.

“Hurry up and leave already. Go break your neck at Dead Drop. I’m sick of looking at your ugly face.”

I gestured at the window above me. “It’s almost night-time. I’m not going anywhere in the dark. Let me get some sleep. Do you have a beer or some whisky?”

The Professor’s face turned bright red, and his hand shook on his gun. “This isn’t some bed and breakfast. I ain’t gonna plump your pillows and bring your moronic ass a little nightcap. Now you, and you blasted dog, get the fuck out of my house.”

I stood, and marched to the door mumbling under my breath, “your grandparent's house you mean.”

I threw back the latches one after the other then marched into the purple shadows of dusk. Stella followed along behind me. I glanced toward the buildings, wondering if I should break into a house and find a real bed for the night. It would be a welcome reprieve from the horror but risking another croc attack was beyond me at this point.

“Come on girl, let’s go find a nice safe hole in the ground to curl up in.”

Stella woofed quietly and pattered off into the dark. I followed her more slowly, waiting for my eyes to adjust. I wondered again what had happened to Sob. If I wasn’t so tired, I might have gone looking for him. But finding a black horse at night was a pretty hard thing to do. I don’t like hard things.

Stella led down what seemed to be a well-beaten path to an old church. It stood silent and white and a little broken, its bell tower reaching up into the night sky like a finger pointing to the stars overhead. Stella rounded the building and disappeared into an old wooden barn behind it. I stumbled through the door after her, rubbing at my aching eyes and hoping there was a pile of hay or something to crash on.

A jolt zapped my ass and I yelped, leaping forward and shaking my leg which had become all tingly.

“Sob, you fucking asshole! What the hell is wrong with you?”

The horse snorted and stomped past me, filling his mouth with a clump of hay. I opened a stall and shut the door, hoping it would keep the dick on the other side, and fell into a smaller pile of horribly scratchy but at least semi-soft hay.

I opened my inventory and eyed the minimap. It had a different marker now, one that would lead me to the north of Deepwater. I closed the thing and opened my quest log, rereading the description for Dead Drop. It was as unhelpful as the first time. Just head to this place and find something to move this hellish story along. If I’d been playing this from the safety of an armchair I’d have kept going and probably explored the town to find some goodies. It was hard to do that though when your health was low. There’s no respawning when it's real life.

Stella curled up beside me. I closed my menus and threw an arm over my eyes. Sleep would do me good. All my problems could wait for future me to deal with. The soothing darkness of sleep took me away.

An intense burning and a thousand pinches covered my entire body. I screamed and tore myself from the void of sleep. Sob stood over me, his nose dug painfully into my gut as his weird electric powers coursed through me in horribly painful waves.

I scrambled away from the horse, my head screaming as I blinked at the brightness of day filtering in through the open barn door.

“Sob, I didn’t ask for a wake-up call!”

The horse responded but letting out an ear-splitting neigh and stamping his foot awfully close to my leg.

“Sob…. Wake up!”

I jumped at the high-pitched squawk and looked up at a large black bird flapping its wings in the rafters.

“What the…” I said.

“Frank,” the bird screamed. “Frank shut the hell up!”

I rubbed my face and groaned, “it’s too fucking early for this shit. I need a coffee.”

“Coffee! Coffee is for the weak!”

I glared at the bird. “Shut up would you.”

“Frank shut the hell up!”

“Yes Frank, shut the hell up,” I snapped, climbing to my feet. I really, really didn’t need this crap right now.

“Coming, coming now!”

I stiffened then and for the first time, I paid attention to what was actually happening around me. Stella was crouched by the edge of the stall, her hackles raised and a quiet growl escaping her lips. Outside I could hear the thumping footsteps and the snarling. Frank was right. They were coming.