"Wow, already two down." I checked our bucket list, "We're blazing through these."
"Yeah, I'm wondering if we're gonna need to add more soon." Issei chuckled.
"That observation is not exactly a smart one to make." Ouroboras refuted, "For the two we did check off were of extreme ease when compared to the ones we have left."
Hm, now that he mentioned it... Visit some kind of island, wait for a festival, admire a famous mountain from a viewpoint, visit some kind of historical site... Yeah, all of these don't seem to be all too close to the city we're in right now. And even the festival tick is something beyond our powers. We can't force something like that to happen by itself, we're gonna need to wait for the closest date a festivity will fall on. Hell, what do the Japanese even celebrate?
"Hey, this one seems doable." I did a double take once I read it though, "Panty dispenser?"
"Issei Kaido..." Ouroboras growled.
"Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it!" He defended himself from our judgmental gazes, "That being said, even I never bought any. I heard of them as a horny younger teen, but as you can imagine, it's not exactly something you'd just find openly presented in a busy street."
"Wait, what even is a dispenser?" I furrowed my brows.
"Oh, that one's simple. Recall all the rectangular machines we've seen all around the place with goodies inside." Issei pointed them out, "Those ones there, see? Those're vending machines, or dispensers as some call them."
"So those automated selling machines even have... women's panties in them?"
"Used women's panties." He emphasized, making my hair stand on edge from the sheer creepiness factor.
"Ah yes, the age old rumor of Japan being the land of the sexually deviant. I was not at all surprised when Issei jotted that item on the list." Ouroboras nodded, "Vending machines are Japan's most famous item, selling mostly drinks and snacks, but also more odd items like umbrellas and souvenirs. It was only back in Chiba in the year 1993 when the first vending machine was filled with used panties the local women were selling for quick profit."
"I've gotten a totally different image of Japan after this..." I grimaced, "Hold on, Chiba?"
"That's here! My own birthplace of Chiba!" Issei triumphantly raised his fist high into the air, "Then it's fate! We absolutely MUST find a panty dispenser, or my name isn't Issei Kaido!"
"Apologies, but that is simply impossible." Ouroboras stopped him, "For due to the new laws set in the year 2030, any and all sex-related sales have been strictly prohibited. Sex shops and panty dispensers fall into this category."
"...Duh, I knew that." Issei folded his arms, "Anyways, who ever said we needed to obey the laws? That's for chumps! We were gonna go searching for hidden ones anyways."
"I believe you misunderstood, Issei Kaido." Ouroboras pointed to his Eye, "The God of this world, the one who knows everything about everyone (safe from the other Gods and this Foreigner) is telling you that you WILL NOT find one. Best erase that item off the list and quietly move on."
"No! I refuse to give up until I've shown Lune what Japan truly represents!" Issei yelled in the middle of the busy street, "The beauty... of pantsu!"
Weirdly enough, almost everyone that heard him in the vicinity stopped moving and turned to quietly stare at him. I was at this very moment that one part of me was shitting bricks, because I thought we were gonna get judged, and the other part was wondering how they figured out what we were talking about. Hold on, he called panties 'pantsu' just now. Was that the Japanese term? Is that why they understood him? Dammit, this is so... Huh?
"Wait, what?" I looked around us, "Applause?"
"Yes, my brethren understand me!" Issei kept rousing the crowd, "For they know what I am talking about regardless of the language barrier! They know in their hearts, their SOULS, that there is one thing a person in life will forever strive for! That they will LIVE for! You can have a girlfriend, a wife, hell, a soulmate! You can spend the rest of your lives together, but if you haven't at least once taken a good whiff of her panties, then what's the damned point of it all! Tell me, Lune Grimheart! What is your verdict!?"
Dammit, don't turn all that amassed attention onto me all of a sudden!? You even name-dropped me. Not cool, man! Ugh, everyone's staring at me, and it's really uncomfortable knowing that I have all this pressure put on me over some damned panties. Crap, Ouroboras, help me... What, don't naively whisper and look away! You devious prick!
"P-Pantsu~...!" I weakly raised my fist as my shy little voice fought to both be heard and not all at the same time.
"......Uuuooooohhhh!!!!" The crowd roared and cheered.
"They like it?" I was taken aback considerably, "I would've been happier if they called me a perv and beat me up. Y'know, like a normal group of people."
"That's not how Japan rolls, bud."
"No, do not disgust Lune Grimheart any further with your lies." Ouroboras slapped him before turning to me, "Japan is not like this. It has never been like this. Issei just noticed this group of people all wearing what he would describe as "cultured wear". In other words..."
"They're fellow otaku." Issei patted me on the back, "Fellas who know how to make actually good jokes. Y'know, sort of like me."
"Ah, so perverts, basically." I heaved a sigh of relief, "Thank the Gods, I thought that everyone in Japan was a weirdo. Turns out it's just a small minority."
"Don't call us that!" Issei hissed, "Otaku are people who follow their dreams and ambitions! We who see the beauty in various art forms of the world and choose to live by those rules! A filthy normie like you wouldn't understand...!"
"Translation: Otaku are generally described as overzealous enthusiasts who usually as a result form a rather nasty shut-in lifestyle devoid of a healthy social life."
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
"Thank you Ouri for the explanation..."
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***
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"So you're saying there's absolutely NO WAY we'll find one in Chiba?" Issei asked once more to make sure.
"Zero percent chance." Ouroboras replied.
"Like zero point zero zero?"
"Zilch."
"Alright then. Cool, cool..." Issei nodded to himself before outright deciding, "Let's go to the next town over then. Easy clap."
"Wait, what-?"
And so we found ourselves in what they called the subway station. An underground area with long tunnels that stretch out into the dark abyss from both sides, under which lies a long line of rails. This is apparently where that shinkansen thing is gonna go on, and once it arrives, we'll simply step inside and be off on our merry way. Still, I saw the map, it's definitely gonna be nighttime when we get there, so I don't think it'd be smart to go this late into the day.
"Ah, it's here." Issei stepped forward, "Come on, you two! Ours is the Keisei Chihara Line!"
Glancing at the speechless and dumbfounded Sun God next to me, I resigned myself to this stupid mission and did as I was told to do. Not a second after I did, the giant beast that was the bullet train had come and stopped in front of us, opening the doors without anyone even being present to pry them open. What technology, what speed...!
"A-And you said we'll be in Ichihara in how long?" I asked as we sat down and the doors closed.
"Mn? Like 10 minutes, dude. Chill." He reclined in his seat and snoozed.
Just as he predicted, the blazing fast machine began to move, and about 10 minutes later, we were there. Incredible! It'd take us hours to cross this vast of a distance by transport wagon! I need to write this down! Yes, a train, moving on a set of rails from one area to another! Like a metal road upon which moves only one vessel! What a genius way to solve the problem of long distance travel! But wait, how does it move so fast? The engine must be strong enough to power an entire country back in Cardina... Well, even a fraction of this speed would be more than enough for our standards, so I'll be sure to propose this plan to Adam when I get back home.
"Oh, I haven't been here in ages." Issei stretched once we walked out of the shinkansen, "Man, even the air feels different. Come on, you two. Panties await!"
"You will not find any dispensers here either." Ouroboras only now revealed.
"What the-! Why didn't you say anything sooner!?"
"Cause I wanted you to realize the futility of spending money on such filth."
"Grr...! Well it's gonna take a lot more than that to stop me!" Issei turned to me, "Lune, Materialize us another watch to pawn off to someone!"
"Eh? Is there even anyone with so much money to be able to afford it in the middle of this subway station?" I asked.
"Who cares? We set the price, and since it's free for us, then no matter what they pay us, we'll be profiting!"
"That'll ruin the economy!"
"Economy is just a stupid social construct anyways!" He went mad, "Death to capitalism! Embrace your immoral ways for benefit!"
"Regardless of what the local authorities have to say to that, I myself will not allow you to go on with such a plan." Ouroboras took a long, disinterested sigh, "Fine, I can just create a panty dispenser here if you really want one, just please do not ruin the economy of Japan..."
"Hell no! I don't want your yucky panties! I want genuine, bona fide, used women's panties from a vending machine! Preferably the cute ones with a bow at the front, or a Blue/White striped pattern."
"You're beyond saving, you know that, right?" I made a face, "Besides, I really don't want them. What I want the most now is to go home, so I'd much rather we focus on that than some perverted fantasy of yours."
"Ah come on, you won't be saying that after a sniff or two-!"
"Issei." I stopped him to get serious for a second, "I miss my wife. Quit it with the panty talk and please help me here."
"...Fine." He slumped forward, "We'll look for panties another time. I guess you really are a good husband at the end of the day, huh?"
"I'm pretty sure you're just a really bad boyfriend."
"Possible, but they knew what they were getting themselves into when they signed the contract." He pointed to his crotch, "It's written clearly in the fine print~!"
"Did..." I was taken aback, "Did you just call your dick small?"
"What? No, I...!" He stuttered, "Gah, I pointed down when I said it because the fine print is usually at the bottom of the paper!"
"Yes, but you said 'fine', as in small. Ergo, Lune Grimheart had no reason not to assume you were alluding to the size of your member." Even Ouroboras jumped on the opportunity to mess with him.
"My member is perfectly fi-Gah, I meant big! Perfectly big!" He flubbed the defense, "Argh, I give up."
"You admit we were correct in our assumptions?" Ouroboras smirked.
"Hell no, I just meant words won't do me any justice." He grinned back before pointing to the exit of the subway, "Instead, why don't we check another item off the bucket list? That's right, I'm talking about the onsen!"
"Onsen... That's the hot springs, right?" I tilted my head.
"Yessir! The one place where you two can properly see for yourself just how large and in charge this tool of mine is without it being weird!"
It's weird enough that you're asking for two guys to look at your crotch, but whatever. Geez, it's like he's gone totally unhinged since we came to Japan. I kinda hope we hurry up and find a way for Othelia and Eleanor to come here soon, not because I wanna say goodbye to Issei, but because I think he really needs those two to help keep him in check. Seriously, what DO they find appealing in that bastard...?