"Is that really you, my dear?!" The little girl clung to me like she saw God, "Oh my days, I've been searching for so long!"
"Son..." My mom looked utterly disgusted without even hearing out my side of the story, "Cheating on Annie is a grave sin in and of itself, but with a girl like this...?"
"Pathetic." Dad agreed with her."
"Seriously bro, what the fuck..." Eleanor joined the choir.
"Nah, I ain't letting some random-ass pipsqueak ruin my life for no reason." I gently pushed the purple haired child away from me as I cleared my throat, "Listen here, girlie. Simply put, you got the wrong person."
"Do you not go by the name Edward Saint now?" She tried her darndest to hug me again, though I didn't let her.
"..." I looked over at my family, who at this point were probably already in the process of disowning me, "Wa-Wait! She's wrong!"
"How can she possibly be wrong?" Cecily too seemed irked, "Just hand yourself in, please."
"Just hear me out, dammit!" I refuted, "The keyword here is "now", implying she's thinking of someone who went by another name when she knew him! I never had an alias, so she can't be talking about me!"
"Hm, good point..." Anna sighed before turning to the girl, "So, what did the Edward that you know go by before he changed names?"
"Can't tell you." She stuck her tongue out, "This information is Gods Only."
What the-!? Gods Only? Grr, normally I'd just kick little shitstains like her out immediately, but right now if I do that, I'll just be making myself more suspicious! And what the hell does she mean by "lover", even!? Whoever this Edward of hers is should be thrown in jail immediately! B-But that's not me, dammit!
"Oii..." I loomed over her, "Little girl, I don't care what that info is to you, but to me it's literally a get out of jail card, so would you please be so kind as to share it with us?"
"Hrm..." The girl thought long and hard, "No! If you're not my Ouroboras, then I have nothing more to say to you!"
"Ah, so the Edward you knew was called Ouroboras." I chuckled, "Stupid-ass name."
"Oi! I'll have you know he's the Sun God!" She immediately went to defend her lover.
"Ah, so he's the Sun God." I chuckled once more.
"Gah! You got me!" She started chewing her nails, "Mister, are you some kind of Ace Detective?"
"No, I'm Edward Saint." I flashed her a warm smile, "And who might you be, little girl? You know, it's not quite nice to not introduce yourself when you meet someone new?"
"Oh, doy!" She stuck her tongue out playfully as if she finally recalled something, "How could I have forgotten! Right, you mortals do that. Ahem: Rejoice!"
"Rejoice?" I got reminded of a certain red-skinned orc-like Fighting God, "Oh no..."
"Rejoice, for I am none other than the Goddess of Water, Allucius!"
"..."
"...Surprised?" She smirked.
"Get the fuck out." I pointed to the door.
If I had a shil for every time a self-proclaimed Goddess suddenly appeared in our house while I was away, I'd have two shils. Not a lot, mind you, but it's weird that it happened twice. Basically, it's a "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me" type of deal. Last time I trusted a girl like this, I lost Grim and was left utterly scarred for life. I'm kind enough to give someone the benefit of the doubt, but I can only turn so many cheeks before I run out.
"Wahhh!" She cried as I lifted her by the pits, similar to how one would dispose of a naughty cat, "Lemme goooo~! I'll leave on my own, just lemme sleep the night! I promise I won't cause troubleee...! Waahhhh!"
"You call yourself the Goddess Allucius, but you're whining more than Cene is." I tossed her out, "Listen kid, the church doesn't take kindly to impersonators, so you best stop playing around."
Slamming the door with all my might as I heard cat-like scratches from the other side just moments later, I couldn't help but feel like I tossed the poor girl out too harshly. Wait no, I have nothing to feel bad about, that kid almost ruined my life and turned my family against me! Speaking of, it seems they've finally realized that this girl got the wrong person, so my name has successfully been cleared.
"Thank goodness it was just a horrible prank..." Anna sighed in relief, "I genuinely don't know how I would respond to finding out you were like that."
"I'm honestly really hurt that you'd doubt me over such a thing." I rubbed my Eyes hard enough to fake cry, "Boohoo, now I'm all depressed again."
"H-Hey now, sorry..." She immediately switched to a more apologetic tone, "I was just caught by surprise, is all."
"Apology denied!" I made a bzzt sound with my mouth as I chuckled mischievously, "Words ain't gonna heal these wounds."
"...What are you getting at?" She saw right through me.
"Fufufu, nothing in particular~?" I shrugged with a shit-eating grin, "I'd wager you finally letting me do "that" would be just enough to get me out of my slump."
"That?" Eleanor tilted her head at Anna, "What's he talking about?"
Blushing like never before, my dear wife couldn't bring herself to admit to everyone in the room that "That" was referring to the experimental form of love-making wherein the male fully utilizes the female erogenous zones. Yep, it's anal.
"Grr... You're putting me on the spot on purpose just to get your way...!" She once again saw right through my plan as she sighed, "But fine, if it'll make up for the scare we gave you, I guess once is alright."
"Wait, really!?" I immediately saw sparkles whizz past me, "Hell yeah!"
As I celebrated like never before however, my jovial dance was soon interrupted by another knock on the door, this time way more stern. It was also quite powerful, just enough to prove to me that the little girl from before couldn't possibly be the one on the other side of it. Opening the door, I was greeted with quite the annoyingly dashing sight.
Stolen novel; please report.
A livid pure White haired woman with Blue Eyes was staring daggers at me, all the while holding the sobbing Purple haired little girl from before by the hand. Confused as to what exactly I was seeing, I broke the ice with a polite greeting.
"This is the Grimheart residence, what can I help you with?"
"You damned monster!" She piped up.
Hoo boy, not this again...
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"I heard the entire story from this little girl right here!" She shouted, "We were walking nearby when we saw her there, sitting in front of your door all sad and alone. She said you kicked her out and left her for dead!"
"Well, not for dead." The Purple haired girl bashfully scratched her cheek, "You see, I'm not a mortal like you, so I can't really be left for dead."
"Thanks for clarifying." I sarcastically retorted before glancing behind them, "Wait, did you just say "we"?"
"Sorry about her..." A black haired young looking man with slanted Eyes chuckled nervously, "Actually, we have business with the head of this house, but she just so happened to see this girl here and well..."
"I see. Well, at least someone's being polite here." I genuinely praised the man's ability to explain everything calmly, "Well, sorry to say, but we don't know that girl either. She's just some stray who wandered over to our place and started incriminating me for false charges."
"I didn't! I have business with my lover, Ouroboras, not you!" She rushed to correct me, "It was a genuine mix-up, but I still want your help!"
"Urgh. Well, who cares about her." I shook the couple's hands, "I'm Edward Saint, the head of this household. You mentioned you had business with me?"
Donning a bit of a surprised then dejected look on their faces, the young couple seemed saddened when they heard my name. It seems they too came to the wrong person. Wait, maybe they're looking for the previous head of the house, then?
"Or could it be..." I wagered, "Are you thinking of my late best friend Lune Grimheart?"
The poor guy smiled for a split second before turning it into a frown once he realized I said "late". He must be an old acquaintance of his, which probably means he just wanted to stop by and visit. Well, no use thinking about it now.
"He... died?" The poor guy couldn't believe his ears.
"Yeah, he was a General in the World War. One of our own betrayed us and shot him in the heart during the negotiations with the King. He died in my arms."
"O-Oh... So that's how it is..." He looked down, unsure of what to make of this situation.
This is super awkward...
"Please, come inside and have a drink. No use talking about it out here." I welcomed them in before putting my hand out to stop the little girl from following shortly behind them, "Ap ap, not you."
"Dangit!" She snapped her fingers after I saw through her ruse and happily plopped herself down on the doormat, "Then I'll wait for you guys to finish your chat here!"
"Uhh..." I tried formulating a plan to get her to leave before giving up, "Ugh, whatever. Do what you want, you're not my problem."
Thus, closing the door on her for the second time, I had Anna make everyone some tea while we sat around the living room table to discuss what this was about. First thing's first - introductions.
"Hello again. As I mentioned previously, I am Edward Saint. The lovely girl making you your drinks is my wife, Anna, and these two bags of bones are my parents."
"Don't call us that!" They got fussy.
"I ain't said nothing wrong, so shut it!" I shot back before chuckling, "So, where was I? Oh yeah, this is my sister, Eleanor, and the girl who most sticks out is the legal owner of the house and Grim's wife, Cecily."
"And don't forget little Cene, too!" She proudly showcased her son to the guests.
"Lune's... wife..." The guy muttered before snapping out of it, "R-Right! Where are my manners? Hello everyone, I'm Lune's old pal from way back. The name's Issei Kaido, and I'm traveling around the world with my companion Othelia to visit all the World Wonders."
"Whoa, interesting!" Anna smiled as she handed us our teas, "What an interesting way to spend your honeymoon!"
"A-Ah, we're not..." Othelia tried to explain, but sort of ran around the topic with a bashful expression.
"Yeah, we're not like that." Issei melancholically explained, "But wow, the guy just can't stick to one girl, can he?"
"Hm? Grim?" I tilted my head.
"Yeah, I don't know if you know this, but he had two wives before you, missy." He turned to Cecily, "Well, the first wife he never divorced, just sort of went away with Marina. Dunno what happened to her though, she was my friend as well."
"Ah, no, I'm the first wife." Cecily corrected him.
"...Hm?"
"We got back together."
"...You got back together after he cheated on you?" He made sure she and him were on the same wavelength.
"Yeah." She smiled, a tad awkwardly, "Long story short, he apologized and I forgave him."
"That's quite the abbreviation." He seemed just as lost as I was when I found out they got back together, "But then, what happened to Marina, if I may ask?"
As everyone in my family turned to me, the two guests had eagerly awaited why I was suddenly the center of attention. Well, this is awkward.
"I-I kinda... shot and killed her... on accident." I inched closer to the full stop of the sentence.
"Uh-huh." Issei didn't seem too fazed by it initially as he went to sip his tea, before violently spitting it back out, "Wait what!?"
"L-Long story short?" I shrugged.
"That's one hell of an abbreviation!" He yelled, "That's it. Take it from the top, please! You're telling me both of my best buds died horrible deaths, and I can't even get a proper explanation!?"
"Ah, yeah, we should probably get on that..." I chuckled as I sipped my tea, "Eugh, bitter."