“Schnell! It’s a Bjorn! Run!” Shaid shouted out as he jumped to his feet.

“Crap! It saw us!”

A Bjorn. One of the most dangerous beasts you can find in any forest, even more dangerous than the Stray Wolves. They’re basically huge bears, in a way, except they’ve got claws that can cut through even the toughest of metals. No amount of armor or shielding can protect you from them once one gets a hold of you. Now I know I just compared ‘em to the Stray Wolves, but in actuality there’s a main difference between the two – Stray Wolves usually travel in packs, while a Bjorn is a beast that cannot work with anyone or anything.

“Where do we run to?!” Shaid yelled, “There’s a giant tree up ahead! Let’s try climbing it!”

“Are you crazy?” I shouted back, “It’ll claw its way to us easy peasy! Run while I try to think of a plan, we gotta face it eventually.”

The Bjorn isn’t a beast that just lets up. Once it finds you, only two possible outcomes can occur – Either it dies, or you die, hence the colloquial term for them is “Death Curse”. It’s a living nightmare that follows you for the rest of your life. Even if you move across the country, continent, or even go to the other side of the World, it’ll find you. No matter how many years pass, it’ll remember who you are and where you went. There were even cases of a Bjorn killing a person’s children after the person in question “escaped its Death Curse by dying of other causes”. This is the worst thing that could have happened on this trip…!

“Hey!” Shaid suddenly started straying from me, “If we split up, we can buy the other person time to think up a plan! It’ll save energy and prolong our time that way!”

“Really?” I gulped, “You sure? I’m confident in my physical ability, but you’re pooped! You won’t last long at all!”

“Don’t worry, amigo.” He smiled back, as he ran into the woods, the Bjorn following soon after him, “Adrenaline’s a hell of a drug!”

“Shaid!”

Shit! What do I do!? I gotta think of something while he’s gone, otherwise we’re both done for! Alright Schnell, think dammit! It can’t be that difficult, right? Bjorn’s aren’t known for their intelligence, so you gotta have something brewing up in this head of yours! Hmm… Maybe if we drop something heavy on it? No, the chances of setting that up, not to mention having to time it perfectly for a One Hit KO is gonna be extremely difficult in this situation. I gotta think of something else, and quick…!

“…Yo.” A snarky voice made itself known from the bushes, “Need some help?”

“Who are…?!” I jumped back before realizing, “Olya? What the hell are you doing here?”

“I wanted to apologize for that thing back at the inn.” He got out of the bush as he brushed the leaves off of himself, “I burned the entire book, so there’s no need to worry anymore. I won’t bring it up ever again, and I honestly wish to repent.”

“That’s all well and good, but you should really be saying that to Shaid.” I reasoned before remembering the situation we’re in, “Oh right! You gotta run! Right now, a Bjorn is chasing Shaid through the forest as we speak! If it sees you, it won’t ever let up!”

“Oh, that?” He chuckled, “You’re talking about that folktale about the guy whose kids got eaten by a Bjorn years after his death. That’s all fake. Bjorns are dumb and forget who they were chasing as soon as the person leaves its field of view.”

“What?” I tilted my head, “No, but… You’re kidding. Where’d you hear that?”

“Are you serious?” He laughed in my face, “I’m the Revisor! The amount of auxiliary knowledge I’ve picked up from interviewing everyone from lumberjacks to soldiers is practically endless. Honestly, I’d rather believe a person who’s telling me about his experience with Bjorns than a bunch of old folktales from who knows how long ago.”

“Ah, I see…” I kinda calmed down a bit, “But hold on! How’d you know we were all the way out here in the forest?”

“Oh, that?” He once again donned a smug grin, “Why, I’m the Revisor! The amount of insider info I have on all the happenings everywhere I go is practically endless. Honestly…”

“Okay, please shut up now. You’re kinda scarin’ me.”

So I guess things aren’t as dire as we had originally thought them to be. My ass! Of course they’re dire! A fuckin’ Bjorn’s chasin’ Shaid! We can’t be calm just yet, since if it catches him, regardless of if the folktales are true or not, he’s a goner! I’m gonna need to think of a good plan while Shaid isn’t back… yet.

“Schne~ll!” Shaid ran up to us at full speed, huffing and puffing with each stride, “I can’t anymore! I’m tapping out!”

“Oh shit!” I quickly got to haulin’ ass as these two jumped into the bushes, thus removing the Bjorn’s agro from them, “You coulda’ given me a warnin’, jackass!”

***

As I was running countless circles around these two’s general area, the Bjorn wasn’t at all letting up in his speed, nor was he getting tired at all. Even still, the thing keeping me from falling to the ground and dying was the tidbits of the conversation between these two that were just within earshot.

“You…” Shaid groaned, “Get the hell away from me.”

“Hey, I tossed all those illustrations into a fire.” Olya defended himself, “I’m clean now. Straight.”

“Oh really? And where’s your proof?”

“Proof? What the fuck, want me to give you the ashes or something? How the hell do I prove that I destroyed something in the first place? Like, look, both my hands are empty, is that what you wanted to see?”

Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

“Don’t get pissy with me now.” Shaid hopped out of the bush and jumped into the neighboring one, “I don’t care what you do from now on, I don’t even want to breathe the same air as you.”

“Oh? What’s this? Don’t tell me the thought of breathing the same air as me is too homoerotic for you?”

“You wish, child groomer!”

“Shiet! Don’t call me names, carpet muncher!”

“What the…? If you call a man that, that’s a compliment, dumbass!”

Ack, these two just keep on bickering, all the while I’m busting my ass running from death at top speed. Dammit, didn’t Shaid say he’d forgive Olya if they met up again? Seriously, no sense o’ respect! Ugh, but if they’re gonna bicker, I’d at least want for them to not have to border on nonsensical banter…

“You chicken wing!” Olya fired.

“You bucket of lard!” Shaid shot back.

“Alright, that’s enough!” I yelled out as I made my nth lap around them, “Bicker all you want after you think of a plan to get rid of this guy!”

“Argh, you’re right!” Shaid said before clicking his tongue at Olya, “See what you did now? I completely forgot to think of a plan because of you!”

“Why the hell you blaming me, dipass!?” Olya started gesturing his every word, “It’s your fault for not thinking of a plan and instead not accepting my apology!”

“That’s it!” I couldn’t take it anymore, “Fuck off, the botha’ you! And you, Bjorn, I’m tired of runnin’! I’d rather face you head on!”

“Schnell?!” They both turned with pure shock in their voices, “Alright, stop it with the jokes! We’ll think of something!”

“My ass you will!” I turned away from the Bjorn for a second to address them, “If you wanted to do that, you’d have done it by now! But no~, you just had to bicker! Well fuck you! Because of this, I gotta be the one to always deal with your laziness!”

“…Sorry.” Shaid sounded genuinely apologetic, “But still, at least let us fight with you!”

“Are you kidding?” I pointed at the huge towering Bjorn behind me, “Of course you two are helpin’. Did you really think I’d take the damned thing head on alone?”

“You ass!” Shaid got angry for whatever reason, “You wanted to throw us under the carriage like that from the start! Hey, where’d Olya go?”

“Nope!” Olya yelled from atop the tree he hastily climbed while the two of us were talking, “Nope, nope, nope! I ain’t fighting no damned Bjorn, y’hear! Seriously, where’d you get the idea that a fat idiot like me will prove useful in this fight?!”

“Meatshield?”

“Fuck you!” He yelled back as he climbed deeper into the crown of the tree.

“…” Shaid and I looked at each other as the Bjorn patiently waited for our next move, “How’s that guy so good at climbing if he’s this fat?”

“Oh, that?” His annoying voice rung out from the crown of the tree, “Why, I’m the Revisor! The amount of climbing knowledge I’ve picked up from countless rockclimbers…”

“Shut the hell up!”

“Graawr!” The Bjorn growled.

“Alright, big boy, we didn’t forget about you!” Shaid readied his stance, “Schnell, I think I have an idea on how to beat this thing. Remember how you’d always break the balls when we’d play pool from breaking them too hard?”

“Huh? Uhh, yeah? What of it?”

“Well…” He tore off a branch from the nearby tree Olya just climbed up, “Here’s your stick. This time, try and get all the balls in at once.”

Oh? Oh ho ho! I think I see what you’re saying! It’s the rocks under our feet! If we line it up, I might be able to hit the Bjorn at just the perfect angle! It’ll discombobulate it and then we can swoop in to blind it with the stick! This will in turn make it no longer pose a threat, however we’re not just gonna let it go after all the trouble it’s caused for us, so we’ll kill it, carry its carcass back to town, and have Olya set up a super good deal for its hide! That’ll give us the money to buy ourselves the best quality soil in the World! Nice one, Shaid, I love it when you think of such intricate and thorough plans! Now to line up the shot and…!

“Wuh- Schnell!? What the hell are you doing?!” Shaid saw me go prone and promptly kicked me up to my feet, “That’s not what I meant, idiot! I was saying you shove the stick into its throat, thus choking it!”

“Ah, that could’ve worked too…” I tried getting up, but the Bjorn was already in front of us, “Crap, you coulda’ said that from the start. Now we’re dead meat.”

“Hey, I’m under a lot of pressure here, amigo!” He gulped as his knees gave out, “I’m facing death head on now, so obviously I won’t be able to articulate all my intentions clearly to you.”

“So why the hell are you so verbose now all of a sudden?! You’re a damned liar, you just wanted to sound cool and underestimated my damned stupidity!”

“So what if I am?!” He shouted back with tears in his Eyes, “What if I am just a liar who wanted to sound cool every once in a while?!”

“Ack. Shiet!” Olya could be heard screaming from up above right after a sound of a branch breaking off reverberated throughout the area, “Aaarrgh! Shiet guys, break my fall right this instan-!”

Blammo. With this, Olya had put his entire weight onto the Bjorn, instantly breaking it’s spine on impact, crippling it from the neck down. To make matters worse, Olya couldn’t really get up from his sheer girth, so he kind of rolled around on the poor bear like beast before we had helped him up. The Bjorn whimpered and wailed, but there was just nothing that could be done anymore. Once you’re crippled to this degree, death might be the biggest mercy for you, I think.

“Well, that was lucky, eh?” Olya brushed off the leaves from himself yet again, “A-Ah, I meant to say – be thankful for me coming in clutch for the rescue! I think my performance deserves an apology from the both of you for yelling at me earlier.”

“Why you…!” Shaid wanted to yell again, before sighing and counting to ten, “Yeah, you did save us, so I guess we should be thankful. From the bottom of my heart, Olya, I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“What’s this? Mister Shaid wants to apologize for being a prick? What’s next, will the World explode or something?”

“Zip it n’ be glad you’re forgiven for your hopefully past hobbies.” I patted him on the back, “Welcome back to the team, champ.”

“Schnell!” He high fived me, “You guys! I knew you’d forgive me if I repented! As to be expected of my first two friends!”

“Eh?” Shaid and I looked at each other before feeling a bit awkward, “F-First two friends, you say?”

“Well, I don’t really count the people I interview as my friends, since they’re clients.” He explained, “I don’t count my parents either, since they’re family. So I guess that only leaves the girls at the maid café, but a guy being friends with only girls is kind of…”

“You talk too much.” Shaid finally spoke his mind, “You’re annoying as hell to boot.”

“Wha-?!”

“This, and many other issue I have with you. They’re all “you”, I think. And I think that that’s alright, as long as you don’t get any more illegal hobbies and interests. If you can promise me that, I don’t mind being your friend.”

“Same here.” I joined in, “But I woulda’ been yer’ friend no matter what. As long as you knew you were in the wrong.”

“Pshht!” Olya laughed at me, “You’re way too forgiving, Schnell!”

“Heh, maybe.” I scratched my cheek before turning to the now very much dead Bjorn, “So what do we do with this? Sell it?”

“Ooh! If we sold it, we could use the money to buy the soil for you two!” Olya thought out loud.

“Huh?” Shaid tilted his head, “How’d you know that we were looking for soil?”

“Oh, that?” He donned a smug grin, “Why, I’m the…!”

“Would you shut up about being the Revisor already?!” Both Shaid and I yelled back in unison.