“Schnell, where the hell have you been?” Shaid immediately ran up to me and Olyahim as we approached the ship, “Do not split up from me! It could have been dangerous.”

“Hey, I retrieved Lina for us. Be thankful.” I groaned as I handed him the lead, “Put her on the ship, and don’t let her get out next time.”

“But you were the one who…!” He tried to shoot back, but sighed and ultimately gave up as he addressed the bald fat man standing next to me, “And who is this man?”

“Hello.” He awkwardly waved at Shaid, “I’m Olyahim.”

“Olya…?” Shaid tilted his head, “I see. And what is it that you want from us, Olya?”

“Please, don’t call me that. Olya is a girl’s name.” He huffed and puffed, but his presence wasn’t strong enough to intimidate a fly, “But to answer your question, I just want to have a chat with you two. Mister Schnell here got me interested in your two’s affairs, so I’d like to sit down and listen to some of the stories you two might have.”

“And why should we do that?” Shaid grit his teeth at poor Olya, “Piss off, amigo.”

“Eep!”

“Hey now, Shaid.” I split them up, “This guy’s the Revisor of this place. Treat him poorly and you might just get written down in history as a total jackass. Besides, he’s the only reason I managed to snag Lina.”

“Revisor? That is simply impossible. Schnell, do you not hear yourself? A Revisor cannot be this fat and ugly. He must have a presence befitting of a… Hey, what are you writing down over there?”

“Shaid’s got a small wiener…” Olya dutifully jotted down a claim he made up on the spot, “There! It’s a small detail, but I’m sure there’s someone who’s bound to look at the details of history. Heh, no pun intended.”

“O-Oi, amigo?!” Shaid quickly went pale, “You must be kidding, right?! That’s… hey, erase that this instant!”

“What’s this? Didn’t you say I can’t be a proper Revisor?” Olya quickly got all smug, “Y’know, because I’m so fat and ugly?”

“I take that back! You are beautiful and amazing!” Shaid was practically scrambling to take the book away as Olya yanked it back and rephrased Shaid’s description.

“His dick isn’t small, but he calls me beautiful.”

“That’s even worse!”

Laughing at their comical exchange, it seems I wasn’t gonna get left out, because as soon as he caught wind of me slapping my knee from all the guffawing and cackling, Olya quickly jotted something else down right under the line about Shaid.

“Bulky bird brain who doesn’t know how to keep his livestock in check.”

“Hey, who you callin’ birdbrain!?” I palmed his head like a ball as I lifted him high up, “Shiet! You’re so heavy, I can’t even lift you with my arm! Since you’re so enamored by your writing, did you ever consider describing yourself and that absurd weight of yours?”

“Ack! Alright, alright! Let me go, I’ll rewrite that depiction of you!” He begged and pleaded.

“How so?”

“Um…! Let’s see… Ah! I know, how about – Strong and muscular.”

“Add like a hero to the end and you’ve got yourself a deal.” I heckled.

“Sure! Like a hero! Like a national hero! Ooh, but since that’d be too bland, I’ll make you suffer from erectile dysfunc-GYAAHHH!”

“I’ll make your goddamned brain dysfunctional, y’hear?!” I lifted him back up as I violently shook him around, “Fatass! Why do you insist on falsifying history?”

“Easy now! Easy!” He somehow broke free of my clutches and flopped to the ground before lifting himself back up, “Ack, crap. My clothes got all messy… In any case, I was just joking! This is just a random notebook, not an actual Revisor’s Traveling Notes.”

“Huh?” Both Shaid and I tilted our heads, “So this was all… fake?”

“Of course! You guys haven’t wronged me even once yet, so why should I wrong you?” He reasoned, “I just wanted to break the ice and see how you two fare under pressure. Honest!”

“Hmm, well, if you put it like that…” Shaid began chuckling, “Good one, amigo! You’re alright!”

“Ah, so now that you know his true power, you’re suddenly sucking up to him?” I mocked Shaid’s sly plan.

“Call it whatever you want, but at the end of the day, at least I’m not gonna be known as the Braindead Hero. Phah!”

“Dammit, Shaid!”

“H-Hey now, please settle down…” Olya quietly tried to get us to calm down, “Let’s just all sit down first and talk over a cup of tea. There’s this really nice teashop nearby, so what do you say we continue this conversation there?”

The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.

Seeing as we were both feeling pretty needy for tea, not to mention not wanting to spend even a second more on this goddamned rocky ship we’re on, both Shaid and I looked at each other for a split second before turning to Olya and nodding vigorously. And with that, we had departed for the city just outside the dock.

***

“This place is pretty nice.” I ducked down as I entered so as not to hit the doorframe, “Kind of cramped though.”

“You’re just way too big.” Olya reassured me, “To us normal people, you can spread your stance pretty comfortably.”

“Don’t bunch us together, Olya.” Shaid sat next to me, adjacent to him, “Your bodyweight is nothing normal. Schnell is big, but he’s muscular, It’s a healthy kind of mass.”

“Oh, you~!” Olya seemed genuinely happy, “You’re just saying that~!”

“That wasn’t a compliment…”

Soon after that, the cute waitress kindly greeted us and asked what we would like to drink. After checking out the menu a bit more, I noticed that there were really only ever one or two drinks I’d ever want to choose from. That’s because the others all had really odd names which I definitely would never say out loud.

“I’ll just get some Oolong tea.” I handed her the menu.

“I will take the Orange Juice.” Shaid followed my example as he handed the waitress his menu.

“The what?” Olya stopped him, “They don’t serve Orange Juice here.”

“Really? You’re gonna make me say it?” Shaid blushed as he bashfully turned to the waitress, “I-I will have the… The Mushy-slooshy Orange Juishy, p-please.”

Snickering at the stark contrast between Shaid’s accent and the words he was spouting, the waitress quickly composed herself as Shaid was now very eagerly cussing Olya out for making him say the full name of the drink. On the other hand, Olya didn’t at all have any qualms about what he was gonna order.

“I’ll take a triple serving of Super Cutie Yummy Dummy Choco Ice Cream.” He proudly recited, “Oh, and extra breast milk.”

“Buh-?!” The waitress gasped before slapping him across the face as she left our table.

“Hehehe… She might not like my jokes now, but with those bazongas, it’s only a matter of time before she realizes just how funny it really is.”

“Amigo, that was sexual harassment…” Shaid facepalmed, “Why did you say that?”

“Oh come on, I was just making a little joke!” Olya tried to defend himself, “Besides, she’s a maid waitress working here. That means as long as she’s on the clock, I am her master!”

“Hold on a sec…” I stopped him there, “Maid… waitress?”

“Ah, did I forget to mention?” He pointed out what all the waitresses were wearing, “This entire place is a Maid Café!”

“…A what?” We looked at him with absolute disgust and bewilderment, “Please, seek help.”

“No! You don’t understand! This place is just the perfect location for me to write my stories!”

“We really should get him to a doctor.” I whispered to Shaid.

“I say we don’t get involved. Let the man do what he wants to do, just don’t get yourself involved.” He whispered back.

“Hey, stop treating me like I’m some sort of creep!” Shaid put his fist to the table, “I’m just an aspiring author who also happens to be a Revisor to make ends meet!”

“Wait, you’re an author as well?”

“An aspiring one. There’s a difference.” He elaborated, “An author could say anything to a maid waitress and spin the story to make himself be in the right. An aspirin one can only dream of such fantasies.”

“If that’s really the main reason you wish to become one with the literary arts, then please reconsider your life.” Shaid didn’t hold back as he spoke his mind, “Stop harassing the women. They don’t deserve it.”

“Oh? To think you were an ally of all women, guy.” Olya snarkily complimented him, “But you better watch out. You know the saying – nice guys finish last?”

“Here’s your orders.” The now somewhat peeved waitress annoyingly handed us our drinks, “I talked to the manager, finish your drinks and leave.”

“Hey now, my lady.” Shaid activated his charisma to the max as he took her by the hand, “I would like to apologize for my friends behavior. He is, ah, how you say…? Ah yes, mentally challenged.”

“Hey!” Olya yelled, only to get glared at by the waitress.

“Anyways, my lady, where were we?” Shaid continued caressing her hand as he looked her in the Eyes, “Could you please tell me your name? I would be honored if you would allow us to return here one day, and when we do, I’d like to ask for you specifically.”

“Oh my!” She blushed before hiding her face, “A-Alice… But no last name yet!”

“Ah, I like a girl who plays hard to get!” He smiled back as she ran away, her face bright red, “Now, Olya, still think nice guys finish last?”

“Grr…! Okay, that’s it! I’m SO gonna write some bad stuff about you in the Revisor’s Notes! I wish all hot guys died in a fire!”

“Not really.” Shaid started sipping his Orange Juice, “I think the only thing a woman wants in a man is for him to be a decent human being.”

“Bullshiet!”

Soon after, we had continued our conversation from before we left the ship. As it turns out, Olyahim was the son of the previous Revisor, but his real dreams lie in being a creative author. He kept pestering us on and on about these Novels with such absurd and over the top characters, but with how passionately he was describing them, you couldn’t help but notice his knack for writing. Surely, if he had only chosen to pursue his father’s position, he would have easily gotten rich and could probably retire way earlier than anyone else. But I guess I can’t fault him for wanting to dream, since even I too ran away from home to explore and document the world. Hey, document the world? Now that gives me an idea!

“Oi, Olya.” I called out to him as we slowly finished up our drinks.

“Yeah?” He slurped up the last of his ice cream, “And what did I tell you about calling me Olya!”

“Right, girl’s name, got it…” I brushed it off, “Olya, what do you say you join us on our journey?”

“Huh?!” Shaid did a double take, “Schnell, have you gone insane?! This guy?!”

“Think about it, man. We need someone capable of writing about our escapades eloquently. Besides, he’s rather good with animals, and has a pretty good reputation in the world. It’s really a no brainer to take him with us. That is, if you want to, Olya.”

“Cheh…” He looked up at me, “Don’t call me that, asshole. Otherwise I won’t be able to stop myself from writing some baaaad shiet about you!”

“Then by all means!”

And with that, a new teammate was acquired. He was to aid us on our journey as our personal writer, who would tell of our grand chronicles, hyperbolizing them just enough for countless future generations to idolize! That is what he will be doing!

“Oh, I just realized.” He inspected the spoon in his hands, “Since I angered the maid just now, you think she spit on my ice cream? If so, then our salivas definitely touched, so that’s pretty much like we kissed, right?”

He’s a lost cause, after all…