My heart almost leaped out of my chest when I saw Asagao lose consciousness. Her body was immediately caught by that man beside her, Ashfon Lionheart. There was no relief or whatsoever in my heart even though she is safe for the reason I want to be the one holding her in my arms.

Even if I anguish over my failure, nothing won’t change. My efforts and desires have been thwarted by the same girl that I am in love with. Everything was for her, I am ready to give everything I have just to be with her.

I know right from the start that Asagao is just concerned with me, yet, I chose to isolate my growing feelings of possessiveness. Even if I unleash such desire, what awaits me is my fear that I won’t be able to understand what she really wanted.

What are the important things for Asagao, what are her wishes, what are the pains that she’s been enduring?

I don’t want to experience what happened to my father once more. I could have helped him, I could have done something to alleviate the pain in his heart. I have become gradually aware of his feelings but I chose not to say something as it is confusing for me.

Yet, Asagao, once again, moved forward.

I am nothing but a failure of a Queen when I started panicking and tried to buy Asagao at her weakest. It was an act that should merit me the title of a scum.

In the first place, I rushed and forced my way to this position so I can stand equally with Asagao.

I was wrong…she was far too beyond me…far beyond than anyone. I have learned a lot through logic, Asagao grew exponentially in both mind and heart. Even I is aware that her dream is naïve, that it is impossible, but she was serious.

I felt her desire for peace, for harmony, for everyone to get along. While she dreams of a land like that, I went and did things for Asagao’s sake that I am even unsure if she wants it.

Turns out that I am wrong. In my desire, along the way, I wanted to monopolize her.

She was constantly thinking for everyone, I was too focused on myself thinking that I am actually doing something for Asagao.

When I heard about the congregation, I immediately knew that King Ashfon Astlan Lionheart would in disadvantage. I rushed my way for the position to take advantage of it.

By cornering the Human Kingdom, the first one that will extend their hand to them is us, the Beast Kin. It is a plan that I thought would make Asagao happy when it happens.

Nothing went according to my plan.

“With all the pressure, no wonder she’d fallen unconscious. I didn’t know that Mrothgir has granted the last two disciples with such wealth.”

“You shouldn’t expect me to spend all of those myself, Lord Gria. Even if I took a mere ten percent of it, I think I’d be able to live for a thousand of year. Incidentally, Lord Gria, where are you drawing out your fund for this?”

“From my own pocket. Well, that child did sure bring a lot of inconveniences.”

“Cut her some slack. For now Lord Gria, how is the conclusion of this congregation?”

“Let hear about the opinion of each leader. What do you think, Beast Queen Higanbana?”

………

“It made me realized a lot of things. As for the conclusion, from my standpoint, it’s a failure but also a success. No one reached a satisfying result but none has also reached a failing one.”

I gave my assessment.

I oddly feel so tired now. I want to go home…

“Isn’t it a bit too late for that now, Lord Gria? You have already adjourned the whole session and further talk will be pointless at this moment.”

“Representative Senya has point. I am expected at my domain by tomorrow so I would like to have some rest. My dear daughters seem to be tired too.”

Elven Queen Hinoki said.

When I look behind her, Casablanca and Hibiscus with Emby on top are all swaying their heads sleepily. I am oddly tired too…

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“By all means, Lord Gria, I want us to be immediately relieved of this session. Might you want to continue a short talk tomorrow?”

“Ah, yes. Lady Izuna, the mother of the Beast Queen. It is as you said, a rest is ideal. Smart she may be, Beast Queen Higanbana is still a child.”

“My gratitude.”

“Well, with a sudden intervention, everything we talked about has been abolished by a selfish and naïve wish. Not that we can really do anything against the one who saved this world. Our talk for tomorrow will transition to another topic. Please, everyone, have a rest tonight in this humble place that I built.”

With that, Demon Lord Gria closed that talk…

Everyone stands up and walked away to their respective designated places…

“Higan, let’s go…”

“Mother…”

As I turn around, mother is looking at me with her gentle eyes. Next to her is Folga and his daughter, Daisy.

“Um…Beast Queen, here, water…if you are thirsty.”

“Thank you…”

“Anything for you!”

Daisy made a sweet smile that sight for sore eyes. I gladly accepted the water in a canister and drinks. My throat is a little parched from shouting earlier…

“Hmm…little one…you almost betrayed a whole kingdom there.”

“I’m sorry…”

“Young and foolish as they say. Good thing nothing really bad happened.”

I stand up last among the leaders. Most of have already left. King Ashfon Astlan Lionheart carried Asagao in his arm caringly, as if she was a treasure. No…she is incomparable to a treasure.

“Beast Queen! I will do my best to serve you! I will do anything to your bidding!”

“Daisy…?”

“Yes!”

“Then…could you…no…nothing…”

“Hmm?”

I almost said it…

To quell the loneliness in my heart, my mind took a wrong turn and look at Daisy as a relief. If I do that, my one and only honest feelings for Asagao will be tainted.

I stand up from my seat and started walking towards the door designated for our exit.

“We have been given our designated rooms at the third floor. Folga and Miss Daisy, I want to take my daughter for a rest now.”

“I understand Izuna. She is forcing herself right from the start. No, since the ending of the calamity, something is off about your daughter.”

I’m just tired…

Or…mentally fatigued…

With my mother pulling my hand gently, I walk beckoned to her. Her hand is warm and pleasant that it put me at ease, a respite that my mind must be reaching for.

Along the way, even as we climb the stair, my mind is hazy. There are people walking here and there but I couldn’t make anything out of their faces.

Even voices become less audible in my ears. The only sensation I can make out is the hand of my mother tugging on mine.

……….

“Higan…”

………

“Higan…!”

………

“Higan!! Please my answer me!”

“Ah…mother?”

“Thank goodness!”

Before I realized it, mother has been calling out to me.

When I came to, I am in an unfamiliar spacious room. There are two beds lined up and the decorations feel immensely overdone.

“Come…Higan…you need to rest.”

“Yeah…”

On the window, I can see the sun setting down.

I didn’t even notice the time…

“Higan, come here.”

Mother calmly beckons me by her side on the bed. I walked towards her direction and sat beside her as she wished for. Wordlessly, she stroked my head with her hand, caress that I wanted the most…

“Hgainbana, you did your best.”

“Yes…”

“You wanted to achieve something.”

“Yes…”

“You love her that you are ready to throw everything away.”

“I do…”

“That’s wrong…”

“Mother…”

It was nothing sort of a reprimand.

Mother told me that it is wrong to give everything I have.

But what should I do?

“But more importantly, I am also wrong.”

“No…you didn’t do anything to be wrong…”

“I was too focused on your father’s death that I didn’t notice that you yourself stood up to be strong. Was it for my sake?”

“I love you, mother.”

“Higan, give yourself some love too. Desire something that only involves yourself.”

“I don’t get it…”

“I’m sorry…I’m not really that good of a mother.”

“You are. Even now, you are being a good mother to me. Just being there, doing this, I feel a little comfort.”

“A little comfort...that sound so pathetic for a mother.”

After that, I didn’t say anything.

Mother just continue stroking my hair until my heart calms down.

At some point, she gently and slowly pulls my body down and laid me down on her lap.

“Higan.”

“Yes.”

“Let’s talk about Asagao.”

“Yes…”

I’m completely blank of what to talk about Asagao though.

“Hmm…what do you like about her?”

“That?”

“You like her, right? I want to know how you fell for her.”

“Well…she is careless, honest, and naïve to the point that she is oblivious to so many things. She can be easily brought to tears, has lot of complex, things that she doesn’t know herself.”

“Sounds so bad to me.”

“I know…”

If anything, I came to love those bad things about her.

But above anything…

“I love her bright cheerful smile, her brave heart that ceaselessly stood up to anyone who would hurt the people she loves, her resolve that she rebuilt restlessly. Whenever she falls, she will crawl back to stand up. Her bottomless humble heart that led her to be negative about herself. Most of all, because she is Asagao…”

“The way you talk about her, there’s a certain fondness to it.”

“It’s bad…I…actually wanted to monopolize her. I actually wanted to keep her for myself. Mother…this is no mere love anymore…it’s an obsession.”

“My daugther…the way you spoke of her…you are seeing her as someone you wanted to be happy. There’s actually nothing wrong with love mixed with a little possessiveness.”

“Is…that right?”

“It is.”

Whether it’s true or not.

There’s a flicker in my heart that wanted to desire Asagao alone.

I want her…but even so…there are a lot of people who will be happier with her.

But…

“I don’t know anymore…mother…”

My eyes become increasingly watery as my sight becomes blurred.

My body trembles as some part of my head become clear again. I can feel my chest tightening as I remember how I couldn’t get Asagao. I feel disgusted with myself for desiring her but doesn’t even understand what she wants.

As these thoughts run amok inside my mind, I can feel bitter tears started pouring from my eyes…

“I want her so badly yet…!”

“It’s okay Higanbana…cry…”

“I desire her so bad! I don’t even know when did I start obsessing over her! There are nights that my thoughts will just be completely occupied by her! I daydream about being with her, sleeping with her, eating with her, and even doing lewd things with her!

I clutch to my mother’s clothes as I cry my heart out, spelling all the things I wanted to do with Asagao. Everything that has been gripping my heart, everything that’s keeping me from wanting to face Asagao, I cried everything hoping that for the next day, I can look at her in the eyes again.