No, no, no! Why, why does it have to be this?!
Asagao…
Father...
Don’t go…
My father…I loved my father so much. I and my mother always look forward to his next visit but at the time that we heard the news that he died, my mother broke down, heart shattered and wasn’t able to sleep for many nights.
I was the same too, at age of seven years old, I already understand what kind of hardship my mother is going through. I also want to cry, I also want to break down and be comforted, however, if I do so, who will be there to stay strong for mother?!
Me…
I still don’t have any idea how to make my mother feel a little better. I don’t want her to know how broken hearted I am too over the news of my father’s death. At the very least, I killed my emotions, anything that would make my mother sad.
Killed it…didn’t let any tears spill. At the same time, fearing that she would lose me too, my mother started isolating me from the outside world. She does not have any ill intention and I love my mother whatever happens.
Digging up this kind of memory…it hurts…
The wounds that I thought I had buried deep inside my heart is all bursting up at once. I can feel my chest burning but at the same time, empty.
What was the reason my father has to die?
Even as a child, I only accepted every love he gave to me but, I am aware that my father has deeper wounds. Regret? Guilt? Sins he wanted to atone for but can’t anymore?
I didn’t only hate men in general because my grandmother and my mother told me so. Losing my father at such age ushered me to steer clear of them. For that very reason, I can no longer have a normal relationship.
Father and Mother…
Both of them loved each other but, sometimes, my father would look on the endless horizon looking longingly at distance.
I want to understand my father’s true feeling at that time. However, as a child of seven years, I am not aware how to. I wasn’t able to think and see enough of what of my father that time and before I can figure anything, he died.
No more…
I can’t…
My life at that time when I killed any emotions, my world turned to pitch black and white.
Not until Asagao arrived in my life.
The girl who brought rainbow color in my life and brought me out to the world I longed to see for a long time. Was it love at first sight?
Hardly…
At first, I find hard how to treat Asagao when we are traveling together. Slowly but surely, we both warmed up to each other and we saw each other at an equal standing that enabled the both of us to walk together to the path we want to weave together.
Slowly, as I saw how Asagao suffers, my heart also started breaking. I admired how she still tries to work hard because of her own weakness. She was strong though, stronger at heart.
That’s how I always feel about her.
She’d do anything. She will protect anyone and will show gratitude to each and everything. She can be a little cold at times because of her irritation, she will be a little agitated of the situation sometimes, however, it was all part of her personality that I came to learn how to love.
At one point, I just realized how my heart beats fast whenever I am with Asagao. I started enjoying everything together with her. Until this feeling got out of control and turned into a rabid and pugnacious obsession.
It didn’t bother me.
As long as I know that I can understand Asagao’s feelings, this feeling of mine, this obsession of mine can be held back.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
I want to serve her with all my life, I really wanted to. Sometimes, I just think that it might be me, trying to read her because it wasn’t something I could with my father. I want to know what pain she is carrying as she always knows what’s wrong with me.
But…
But…!
The two figures, my father, and Asagao are both lying on the cold hard ground with their blood making a river and dead.
What is the thing they have in common…?
They died with suffering in their countenance. Why? Why did they suffer?
My father…my Asagao…
I can no longer get an answer from my father but…
Asagao…
Do…do I truly understand her pain and suffering or am I just pretending that I do? Is that my fear…? The fear of not understanding the people around me?!
Wrong!
It is not…it is not!
But…still…if I think about it, I still don’t know how Asagao feels about everything. Is she scared? Is she faltering?
No…
Can I even comfort her?
Asagao…
Can I protect her at this rate? Can I even stay by her side? Can I continue loving her and conveying this blind feeling to her?
“Asagao…”
Tears drop like a raindrop from my eyes as the countenance of bloodied Asagao didn’t reply. I already cast my father aside and focus on Asagao, however, uncertainty fills my head and my chest is about to burst in anxiousness.
I never felt this way. It’s scary…
I fell on my knees as I stare at the bloodied Asagao. My tears won’t stop spilling as I look at her. I clench my chest from the pain coursing throughout my chest. My shoulder started trembling and my breathing becomes ragged.
I don’t know anymore. This love of mine, this fragile and ugly obsession of mine…can they even embrace the fact that I don’t understand one damn thing about Asagao’s pain and suffering?!
What if she actually wants vengeance?!
What if she actually wants this world to be destroyed?!
What if I am actually reading her the wrong way?!
What if because of my inability to follow her from behind I might have her killed in the future?
It’s painful…it’s scary…
Destroy…kill…take everything for yourself…
No!
Asagao…she is trying her best to save this world.
You yourself is uncertain if she will be yours…
I don’t care!
I don’t want to force Asagao to love me back like how I love her!
I am satisfied with that…
What’s the point…?
She doesn’t understand us…and you will never ever understand her…
Just make her yours…kill any hindrances…
Make her mine…?
Use the blood, the power, even fragmented, from your father…
The father you failed to understand…
With Astlan’s Ira…you can make her submit to your will.
Why not take the opportunity? Grab it, and become something more that will understand Asagao…
Asagao…
ASagao!!
AsAGao!
A…SagaO!!!
AsA…gAo…!!
AsaGaO.!...!
That’s right, let your ugly obsession consume you and in return, it will realize your wish.
It will erase your deep-rooted fear that you keep avoiding since your father’s death.
It will feed the power within you, Astlan’s Ira, and ascends to a power that will break her to submission.
Obsession and love… They are different!
They are not the same time like what I used to believe…
Then I have nothing to say to you. Delve into your inability to become something else.
But, if you ever change your mind, Astlan Ira is here waiting for you…
“Nothing…I don’t understand…a single thing…”
I said as I cast the power offered to me aside. This fear, this obsession, this misconception that Asagao and I have a special connection, they all undermine and dominates what little love I could offer to Asagao…
The worst…
I am the worst…
I claim to love her but…in the end…I can’t understand what could make her feel better…
.
.
.
“Higan! Higanbana! Answer me! Hey!”
My body was shook and tears started raining down my face as I lay down on something soft.
As I open my eyes, Asagao was right in front of me, no, on top of me as I lay down on her lap. Her tears fell on my face as she continued sobbing.
Upon realizing what happened and remembering what I saw, my eyes started becoming watery and in no time, it spilled tears.
“Asagao…I’m sorry…I am really sorry…forgive…”
“Idiot! You don’t have anything to say sorry for!”
As Asagao shouted at me, she immediately pulled my head to her chest as she embraces me with both of her arms.
“I am really sorry…”
“I thought I’d lose you too! You never opened your eyes for an hour! Idiot! Stupid! Don’t make me worry like that!”
“ASAGAO!”
Asagao’s words blew away everything from my chest. Even just at this pristine moment, I want to feel how weightless my shoulders are.
I grab her body with my arms too and cried in her bosom.
I am really sorry.
I just thought that…it would be better too if I didn’t wake up from that nightmare and immediately died, but I remembered, even if I still can’t truly understand Asagao’s feelings, I can’t make her sadder than she is now.
My bravest bravado…my hardened heart cannot stay rough at the face of the girl I love.
“It seems that among everyone here, you have the most fragile heart. Even with your heartfelt bravery, you are no more than a confused child.”
A voice, the Joker Devil said towards me.
I am unsure anymore…
I am uncertain of what I should do for Asagao…
Breaking through all of this hesitation, this obsession, and my confusion is much painful than I thought.
Oh, Father…I am sorry too…