CW:

gendr euphoria, and fear of it. Dysphoria and misgendering worries. but... honestly mostly thoughts about past worries and rejections.

While the stranger in Kikii’s mirror stunned me to silence, the girl looking back at me from this body length thing within the bathroom shatters me.

I can’t help but just… stare. Caught between wanting to look away and turning the mirror backwards and… and… well, I really do need a real wash and to wear the clothes that haven’t seen the long cold roads gifted to me by Tasii.

But that would mean that I’ll have to see this stranger naked. Fully so. Not in the quick ways I’d had to figure out on the open Paths. Or the occasionally secluded washrooms where speed felt so important.

Fuck.

I have all the time I need, and two locked doors between myself and anyone who might think to come check on me. Which Ina promised they wouldn’t.

So… All that’s left is the fear.

Her face is even more striking than before in the better lighting, even with the mess of tangled hair falling about it. I… I’m not sure if pressed I could even find the old person in those features. Not easily at least.

Okay. Only a little at a time. C’mon girl.

And so I strip off the coat and sweater and… okay I can see a bit of the old here. The tits are… fuck. Okay I have to look past them else I might… but… I mean… I’ve lost so much of my old thickness and strength these past two years. Both from lack of good food and whatever else the spinning the Storm gave me does.

And so without honestly considering it I wince and drop the leggings and socks and… get nothing but a full view of the strange girl that is me.

“Fuck.” I can’t help but whisper.

The… the stuff between the legs is hard not to focus on and let hurt a bit. We… We've talked about future options for changing that later if I want. But… the Storm had words I’d not considered.

“The flesh is never who you are, love.” The melty half had tittered. “And don’t feel pressured into changing parts you’d rather keep. It… well, it might make finding the right lover a challenge, but Arudia might be a good place for that. Their Cultivation gemstones sound like they might let other girls explore uncommon changes and preferences. Be more open to you.”

“I hope you’re right.” I murmur while turning myself and watching the girl in the mirror. Thinking back on Kikii’s easy acceptance after a brief moment of… well she wasn’t mad at me. Or disgusted. If anything she was annoyed at herself for tumbling over her own surprise.

But I’m still a stinky mess though, so soon I’m moving over to the waiting bath filled with perfectly warm waters. Sinking in and letting myself just… soak this all in.

Dreaming with another Sun Spoken. Will… is that dangerous? Could she learn about my past from it? I’ve never really considered my body while in the Dream, but… thinking back it seems to just… be me. Almost formless until myself or the Storm draws attention to something.

I try to remember details but… Can’t recall any.

But as I begin to properly scrub my body and hair, an idea forms amidst my growing drowsiness.

I can just take a small nap, and ask them! Get them to agree before we even try this!

And so after I’m all clean and wrapped well in wonderfully warm clothes, I fall into the bed. Snuggling up to my little friend and letting the short day's exhaustion pull me into slumber.

I’m pretty good at remembering things between dreaming and waking. And am able to avoid the almost playful nothings we always share before pulling up the memories.

Both seem to bubble with all the things. Joy at how I’m safe and warm. Delight at the possibility of us being able to meet not just another Sun Spoken but… but Dream with her! Such an idea is a thing they thought either impossible or too dangerous to ever consider. But… Her easy pulling of her shard’s Weaver into the Waking World settles that.

There are also similar worries to my own, about her seeing a part of me here that we’d rather keep hidden and how she might react to them and their current state but… They can help with that. Focus on the Dreamscape and make sure we’re only sharing what we consciously want.

And… that leaves but one looming question.

What is Zigdara even doing here, and why is a duenna of the temple of Lyttoral with Ina?

I’d avoided even looking at the big scary lady since our first interaction, and she’d not asked anything. But… From a few stolen glances I could tell something about me bothered her. ‘Best case,’ the fury had offered, ‘she’s simply protective of the Sun Spoken. Worst, she feels a familiarity but cannot place it. Your changes are unique, and to think that Sun Spoken magic would be used to reweave a person’s body due to disjunction of spirit and vessel is simply unthinkable to her.’

Forcing an awakening from the Dream always hurts, but… we take it slow and soon the only pain is the weariness that beacons me to return to the warm bed.

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It's easy to follow the sounds of voices and laughter and… and just life to my hosts. Finding them sort of… split between multiple rooms and conversations. Eventually, after a few more greetings and introductions to the Lady’s that actually own this house, I’m sitting with a warm mug of fudgebrew curled up in one of the big comfy chairs.

“Ina’s in the kitchen, if you need them.” The big girl, Tasii, lets me know while settling into the chair beside me with her own mug. “If not, Dinner will be ready in about a half an hour.”

“Thanks.” I nod, pause for a small drink of the warm drink before saying. “I um… took a small nap. Asked my Dreamers about what we all talked about.”

“Oh?” Tasii leans chin on palm. “What’re their thoughts?”

“They’re honestly really excited.” I can’t help but smile. “They… they didn’t think something like this would ever be possible.”

“That’s good to hear. Any reservations or worries from them?”

I shake my head. “Not really.”

A pause.

“That’s not really a no…”

I sigh and look down into my steaming mug. “Just… y’know…”

Another pause.

“Not really.” Tasii shrugs easily. “This is all new to us too, and if your headmates have worries we’d like to respect them.”

“They’re only worried about me.” I reply. “This… this sounds like it's going to be an entire thing and…”

Do I take a risk? Give these people just a little more trust?

Tasii doesn’t press. Not with words. But nor does she move or change the subject to something easier.

“They… Well it’s like you asked Ina before.” I start carefully. “There are things in my past, parts of me I’d like to keep private. They’ll do whatever they can to help keep some boundaries up but… Dreams are messy. Things could spill over.”

And to my surprise, Tasii nods in nothing but agreement. “I’ll talk to Ina, we can see about maybe… coming to an agreement? Nothing comes out of that Dream that you both don’t agree to share. You can both sit privately afterwards and lay things out? I know they’ll both agree to that.”

I can’t help but nibble on the side of my cheek in worry. “But… what if she sees something really bad in there? Like… like horrible? And…”

A soft strong hand reaches out to touch my wrist, kinda jerking me from my own stupid outpouring of nonsense.

“So long as you’re not a danger, or mean to become one. I’ll personally make sure she doesn’t share anything you don’t personally agree to.”

I nod and swallow a lump that formed in my throat. “Thanks.”

“Of course.” She nods, “And honestly… We’re all more worried about you noticing things about Ina. She… well… let’s just say that if she does return to Lyttoral it's going to be messy. Having a duenna at her side speaking for her will be wonderful but… it may not be enough.”

Messy? So… is she like…. Did she steal or hurt someone? Run afterwards?

Of course I only nod and thank her. Share that honestly quiets so many worries. After that… well… we have a really warm and wonderful dinner. One of the girls marked with the Maktaba, Jevita, has a few dozen questions for me about my magic. I try to keep it simple but… she’s really smart and insightful and… and her time with Ina has helped her easily grasp it all!

So much that I have to eventually dance about giving her real answers else she starts to puzzle out some of the more specific needs my spinnings meet! But… she’s still tired and distracted and really kind. Like everyone here. Sees my discomfort and moves past.

And… and during it all I can’t help but feel something so odd. Like… like how some of the older people I’ve met say they can feel the rain coming in their bones. The Ocean around and inside everything seems to… well brace and stir.

The song Ina promised would bubble up, drawing closer?

It’s another hour or so after the meal that they find me. Eyes still blazing but… subdued. A soft hum and melody seem to follow them as their body falls into the chair at my side. “So… Would you still like to join us?”

Deep breath, and I nod. “Yeah. I… Did you talk with Tasii?”

They nod. “We did, and it seems like a good idea. They’ll be there when we wake up but… only to help us settle. Will let us sit in private and decide what to share before asking questions beyond ‘are you okay, do you want some food’.”

“Thank you for… for accepting that.” I sigh and adjust to lean forward.

They smile and shrug. “Likewise, it honestly removed a weight from us to know the other half of this wants to keep things private.” Then they hold out a hand. “C’mon. This… merging has a cost. We’ve not burned together this long in a while and… we’re going to need to mix in a bit of healing workings into things to avoid a really nasty headache in the morning.”

I take their offer, and can’t help but focus more than is probably subtle on the softness of their skin and the thrum of the Amwella buzzing beneath. Such a radiant and intoxicating swirl of warmth and life that teems with all sorts of colors and life. A sign of a girl and her shard so well loved and accepted that I can’t stop the tears that sting my eyes in… in…

“Rahdian?” Ina whispers, and I realize we’ve stopped just outside the door to the room. “We… what’s wrong?”

“Oh! Fuck I… I’m sorry I… I just…” I jerk to look away and wipe furiously at my eyes.

“It’s okay.” They take up the hand still clinging to theirs, “This… we understand how we can be a lot. And um… we kinda forgot how hard Emarial’s Amwella hit us when we stumbled into each other. We should have like… considered that!”

I shake my head. “No it’s… you're just… I’m… You’re really really loved. By so many people and… and I’m not…”

Not able to find the same. Even a single person.

“Oh… oh Rahdian.” They murmur so gently and step close, draw a careful hand up to rub gentle circles at my back. “You’ve been hurt, and not by simple strangers or even mothers, but… a lover.”

It's all I can do to nod as the tears get worse. Unable to tell these perfect spirits that I lost two.

“We’re so sorry.” They whisper, “We… We got very very lucky with our lovers. They’ve accepted all our nonsense and bad choices with a truly reckless abandon we’re not sure we deserve. And… we meant what we said. We’d love to have you join us! Everyone’s agreed, and…”

But I’m already shaking my head. “Can’t risk it.”

They pause, soul a flutter in… odd patterns. Things I’ve not seen before.

Never met someone whose Amwella glows bright enough to notice what might be shiftings of emotions.

They draw just a little closer, sighing sadly. “We understand. We really really do. And we… we wish maybe we didn’t. Because then we might be stubborn and push harder. Share more of ourselves but… we need to ask your shards some questions. Make sure… of things. Then maybe we can start helping each other heal just a bit.”

I nod, let out such a heavy huff of pain and guilt and longing as her Amwella thrums in concordant rhythms. Scrub my already soaked sleeve against my mess of a face. “Thank you.”

“Always, Rahdian. We really cannot communicate how… how special this is. To both Girl and Weaver.” They reach back to open the door we’re hovering outside of, and begin to pull us inside. “And we cannot wait to meet the Dreamers who’ve loved you as no others have.”

I have to cry a bit more as they pull me to sit on the bed’s edge. Murmuring soft comforts and rubbing circles along my back and never letting my hand go. And despite the mess I make of my wonderful sweater that I absolutely end up changing, they never waver. Only at the end offering me a hug.

“I… I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I murmur as I re-enter the room after changing in the bathroom. Resettling on the bed beside them. “I… I might cry again. Or… um…”

Can’t look up as I suppress the flutter in my Amwella at the idea of accidentally using the Spark Call and ruining everything.

But they simply giggle. “Oh, yeah. We’ve not gotten our lovers okay to do that.”

I look away. Such a wash of shame and guilt and annoyance that I would even think they would–

“After tonight, totally! If you're interested, of course.” They add quickly and cut off the spiral. Causing me to jerk up and stare in confusion.

“I… what?”

They sigh and look away. “It’s… kinda like this song and plan. We need them to be our guides, and have agreed to live under their permissions when merged like this. Half of us was raised in a sheltered environment, while the other has shown tendencies to abuse and hurt those she loves if she thinks the ends will justify the actions. And that mixture has led to many poor choices.”

Can’t help but let my eyes drift down to the strange leg. Such an odd twisting thing…

“Yes, that was one of them.” They whisper.

I jerk back up, open my mouth to apologize, but their sudden and kind smile stops the words of apology from spilling out.

“But… after we fall into this Dream and Spirits untangle? Yes. At our leisure. Our lovers are not possessive, simply protective and wanting to avoid issues of consent when such a large and scary spirit shares a body with a young and kind one.”

I swallow. Mind filled with memories of Kikii and old lovers and freely gifted fire filling my own and how her own Amwella dances even now in my…

But, then of course more sour memories choke out the good, and I can only whisper. “Maybe. I… I’m not…”

Can’t help but picture Ina’s face twisted in disgust and rage and fury. The high duenna and Sun Spoken of Arudia, able to easily toss me into the hands of either this Academy’s Fertility Temple or… or send me back to Lyttoral.

“But if not, every offer given is still open. Truly!” They lean around to have my eyes catch theirs. “Your body is yours to enjoy as you will. And none here would dream of pushing for more unless you want that. We’d all still delight in your company here.”

I nod. “Th- thanks. And sorry. Again.”

“Don’t be.” They sigh. “We just… Fuck. We just want to give you a safe space to heal, Rahdian. You deserve that. But… for now let’s meet your Dreamers.”